Gonzo Journalism Holiday Edition

Happy Holidays, it's like a big gaudy neon sign waiting outside of a derelict section of a run-down town. That's how we see it, that's how I see it. Welcome to the holidays, a hellish time that begins with Thanksgiving and Ends just after the New Year. Filled with gluttony, temptation, self-hatred, fights at Wal-Mart for the newest big toy for the tots, and so much more. We see this come every year, the fear starting up sometime in October, mid-November if you're lucky or just forgetful.

A big dinner, family, meat, desserts, temptation, hatred, fear, and loathing. You make it through that and then what comes around the corner but a month full of cookies, and desserts in preparation for the next big step, Christmas and it's merry dinner. It surrounds you and engulfs you. There is no escape, that would be too easy; there is no safe ground, that would be to akin to a heaven. The holidays aren't heaven, they're Hell.

Apparently Hell isn't all fire and brimstone. Instead it comes at you socially and mentally, everyone stuffing themselves with the bounties and gorging away at whatever food they can get to their hands. It's cold, it's full of bright lights and gifts. But make thee no mistake, it's Hell just the same. It just comes in pretty wrapping paper.

You fight through it all, hoping to come out okay. Each day goes by, or is it a month.. maybe a year I can never tell since it feels all the same. Meals, visits, desserts, gifts... tears, cries, sobs, slice after slice for the mistakes and falls. We get to scramble through these Holiday Hells, hurt on the inside... smiling on the out. Each time 'I made it, somehow... some way... I dunno how I'm gonna do it again. But good news.

Next year it'll be here again, with the lights and noise, visits and meals, tears and sobs... happy holidays...

temptation and cookies

There is now a house full of cookies, and I must admit O my brothers and sisters, that I, your Humble Narrator, have given in to my temptation. But not no more shall I be controlled but such devilish wants and tempting. I have been lax in my strength but have retempered myself to getting thin. No breakfast, no lunch, dinner only when I must. I iwish to viddy myself thinner and slooshy once more the slovos such as 'Wow how thin you are' and 'You barely exist'. I will get better, I will get thinner.

pictures

Since you wanted them here they are, me (fat though I may be) looking stylish in my Gothic attire. As you can see I've had some issues with the images...

today

Today I spent the day at the movies with T and BR. I managed to get away with: 1 Diet Amp, 3 Diet Cokes, and 1 pack of cigarettes. So the day was pretty good, we spent it at our Promenade Mall, I of course in my typical fashion of white button up shirt, black pants (that are currently TOO TIGHT and I will change myself for that), black buckled vest, black trenchcoat, and black top hat. So my friends looking like normal people and then me walking around looking like a Victorian Vampire (pale skin helps). I tend to get compliments on my looks from people and I've had girls say they want my legs and whatnot, I just don't see it. I look into a mirror and what I see there is clearly different from what everyone else sees. My friends joke that I wear clothes to stop a stiff breeze from carrying me away, but I wear baggy clothes to hide my body instead. I wish I weren't so big, I just wanna be thin and perfect... and it's hard to get there but of course if it wasn't hard then it wouldn't be worth it.

Fat End-day

So after my post yesterday the rest of the day wound up not too bad. Me and my friend D left the college late (I helped make sure we left late) and we decided since we didn't know if my mum had made dinner or not yet to stop at McDonald's. He got 2 McChickens and a medium Dr. Pepper, I went for the Fruit and Walnut Salad and a medium Diet Coke. I was hoping that he wouldn't notice anything odd about the dinner but he did, though he kinda brushed it off saying 'Normally you eat pretty fast, but when you eat fruit you take forever.', made me feel a little uncomfortable about being considered a fast eater but this comment was made since he ate his two sandwhichs while my eating was: nibble on piece of apple slice, chew 23 times, swallow, drink three slurps of diet soda, repeat. So I got through one apple slice in the time it took him to down two sandwhiches. So that was a step in the right direction.

Then I got home and just started cleaning all over my room, reorganizing, cleaning up, etc. Now today it seems I'll be hanging out with BR and T since they wanna see two movies. I should be able to circumvent any eating today saying I have a sore throat or something, or just that I'm not hungry, since right now I'm not hungry.

Fat

So I haven't been able to do any of my dieting. Things get rough when you have four people living with you expecting you to eat dinner every night. I'm just so pissed at myself for being so fat.

I'm at the college right now getting compliments about how thin I am and how thin my legs are, but I just can't see it at all especially with how fat I am. I hate it so much, my favorite pants are tight on me and i just feel so ... Ugh.

Today so far has been A latte with sugar free vanilla an lowfat milk, and a lowfat milk moccha, if things go well I should be able to keep it at just this for today.

I still need to do better with dinner and start hiding food and avoiding it all totally I possible... Why can't I be thin... I hate this SO MUCH!!!

Survey +

So Mango sent me this to do a while ago, but I was .... well completely out of it for a while there. Anyway:

Here are the rules:
1. You can only use one word!
2. Pass this along to your favorite bloggers.
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Survey

1. Where is your cell phone?
Pocket
2. Your hair?
Green
3. Your mother?
Depressed
4. Your father?
Away
5. Your favorite food?
Lettuce
6. Your dream last night?
Friends
7. Your favorite drink?
Coffee
8. Your dream/goal?
Perfection
9. What room are you in?
Basement
10. Your hobby?
Art
11. Your fear?
Obesity
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years?
NewYork
13. Where were you last night?
Bedroom
14. Something that you aren’t?
Good
15. Muffins?
Nope
16. Wish list item?
Book
18. Last thing you did?
Draw
19. What are you wearing?
Black
20. Your TV?
Sansui
21. Your pets?
Four
22. Friends?
Close
23. Your life?
Pathetic
24. Your mood?
Ambitious
25. Missing someone?
No
26. Vehicle?
Talon
27. Something you’re not wearing?
Shoes
28. Your favorite store?
Border's
29. Your favorite color?
Black
30. When was the last time you laughed?
Yesterday
31. Last time you cried?
Today
32. Your best friend?
JM
33. One place that I go to over and over?
JM's
34. One person who e-mails me regularly?
Noone
35. Favorite place to eat?
Starbucks

A few things there were the same as Mango actually, heh. Ah well maybe I just couldn't think of anything myself.

Anyway, I was out of it because I got stuck into eating WAY too much lately. I was getting pain on my right side near the front. I dunno what it is, it's still there even though my guess was because of not eating... which is one of the reasons I forced myself to eat more. But the pain is still there, so fuck it.

I watched Thin last night and that triggered me quite a bit back into wanting a perfect body. So yesterday I wasn't able to perfectly starve, but only had like half of a grilled chicken sandwhich from Sheetz.

Currently working on the images for a website... which is really good since we've had the site for a little while now and still haven't gotten the site actually up and running (currently there is only an image with promises of a website to come). So back I got to the images, I'm an insomniac with a site to build.

a good day

Today went pretty well. A friend who's been away for a long time came back home today, which was really great news, tomorrow I'll be hanging out with him for most of the night. It's been forever since we got to hang out and just chill, so it'll be a good change of pace from the usual for me around here.

As far as food goes today: I mostly just had diet drinks or coffee or water. The bit of food I did have was a small salad, out of which I nibbled on a few pieces of lettuce and carrot slices. So it turned out to be well under 100 cal. I almost lost it tonight at home, I got hungry all of a sudden and started going through the kitchen for food, but I managed to get myself under control. I'm not gonna give up my goals so easy anymore, I won't be able to lose the weight if I give in to eating at every turn. So I just need to stay strong and keep up my diet.

Food will prolly be part of tomorrow at some point, but I just need to avoid the eating as much as possible or just go with like a small salad or something. Though I realize I might wind up eating more, but then again every once in a while it's good to eat a bit more than usual to get my metabolism back up, I'm sure that after a couple days of under 100 cal my body could use a quick boost. Ah well, hopefully I won't have to worry about it at all. Just gotta keep looking ahead, gotta lose the weight to look good at the concert.

A goal

Well turns out I now have a goal, sort of. It's always best if I have a goal, and the current goal is lose as much weight by the 22nd. One of my favorite musicians is playing for the first time nearby and me and a bunch of friends are gonna go see him, so I need to lose as much weight as possible.

Today was ok as far as food and diet go. I was gonna do a complete 0 cal day, but J decided to make us some dinner, Veal Parm. Being the vegetarian that I am I had no veal, and only a bite of the mashed potatoes and a few baby carrots. All in all I had under 100 cal, which though it's not 0 cal, it's at least a good restriction.

I feel that unless more food surprises pop up I'll be able to go the full way toward my goal for the 22nd. I also download a couple pro-ana songs, my favorites being Paper Bag, Big Isn't Beautiful, She's Falling Apart, Anorexic Beauty, and 4st 7lb. I've been listening to them a lot lately, and whenever the temptation of food comes up I start thinking of the lyrics of them, so far it's helped.

update and more

So first off, sorry for now posting since my trip to NYC (fun and a disaster all at once). Anyway, I've been doing terribly, almost everyday I wind up eating way too much... but oddly the scale tells me I haven't gotten as bad as I feel I have. Currently at 135. Moderately confused too.

Today I had to go to a pizza place with friends. Had to get two slices of plain, it was all I had today, I wanted nothing but my friend D insisted (he was paying for everyone). Three of them (D, B, and J) had this 4-cheese pizza, it was a heart attack in the shape of a pizza. I was nauseous just looking at it, all I could see were the calories.

Well let's call what I did in my eating up to now a short break... it wasn't since I hated it every minute, and my arm and thigh are now covered in cuts... and of course more will be there by bed-time... if I even get to sleep, insomnia has been really bad lately. Then again, at least when I get insomnia I'm always up and doing stuff so at least I'm burning a bit more right?

As for the 'more' part of the post I decided to write down my own personal Thin Commandments. My rules to live by. Numbered but not in order of importance, they're all equally important, just by whichever comes to mind first.

1. Don't talk about Ana to anyone who knows you. You're fine, the voice is helping.
2. Thou shalt not eat meat.
3. Thou shalt not purge, if you eat too much deal with you're mistake. You'll hate yourself and motivate yourself more.
4. Thou shalt not eat after 7pm.
5. Thy scale is the Lord. It will tell you how you feel today.
6. Be careful with exercise. Aim for thin not muscled. But if you exercise do it till you drop. Then get up and do more.
7. Don't eat unless you have no way out. If you have no way out eat less.
8. Avoid mirrors, they only show you your flaws.
9. Never give up, it's never too late.
10. Wear baggy clothes, they hide your terrible body.

Visiting

Yesterday went fairly well, no food all day. At night mom made some kind of chicken which I had to grab a piece of, thankfully I was able to just nibble on it and in all have maybe half a bite.

Today though I was stuck. BR and I went to visit our friend. While there I was unable to get out of eating a chicken sandwhich. It felt terrible... I hate this, I'm going to new York on saturday with friends and I'm so fat that I'm not even going to look good in the clothes I wanna wear. Thankfully tomorrow and Friday I should be able to pull off the kekwick diet, that'll at least drop off at least 4 lb. Still too fat and ugly but maybe I'll be able to get by with my look.

I just dunno. When I look at food i'm thinking about it for like half an hour before I can even try eating it. I mean I kinda want to eat, I just can't bring myself to it. How do other people do it? I mean what do they think about when they see food?

back on track

Magnesium Citrate... my own little magic potion. I had too much food this weekend, I was a bit desperate and know what works. I downed the whole bottle with plenty of water... and then the rest was up to my body and science. Now that the weekend is over I can get myself back on track, I started today.

While working with BR we went to Subway. I ordered a turkey sub, no cheese, no dressing, plenty of odd looks (so what if I wanna lose weight and eat non-fatty stuff), I nibbled a bit on it as well as a Baked potato chip. The only problem arose when BR asked me if I was done, he noticed saying that it looked like I only took two bites out of my sub. So while he was looking away I tore most of it off and threw it away. There... now it looks like I ate... happy?

Later on my mom decided to make some meatloaf, I was able to dodge around all night to avoid it (thankfully we aren't a sit at the table kinda family, especially with J living here). Only once did J mention that we should get food, thankfully I was able to dodge that just fine. The worst part came while I was in the living room watching House, aparently my sister and another live-in TO decided to bake cookies. TO walked in and handed me a cookie... and there I sat holding it, shaking a bit. I wanted so bad to just eat it, and yet I was terrified to. After half and hour of watching House holding the cookie (breaking it into little pieces in case I gave in and ate it) I threw it in the garbage and walked out for a cigarette... I felt terrified and angry at the cookie... kinda felt stupid for being so angry at a cookie.

I probably wasn't angry at the cookie, just the idea of eating and getting fatter and fatter... especially after my mom said that my face was looking less drawn out and sick, that I looked healthier, which she immediately followed by saying that I didn't look big at all just healthy... If only she knew that to me healthy IS fat. I don't care about being healthy, hell I don't wanna grow old and wrinkly and grey anyway... I just wanna be thin, perfect, small... is it so wrong to aim for this?

Binge

I binged today... I hated myself all day too. Pizza, soup, some pastries... I haven't weighed in yet but I imaging it'll be listing me in the 140's. I hate this after so much work and losing weight I fuck it all up with all this food. The only possible plus side is that it'll charge up my metabolism, which I honestly doubt. I can't see it getting charged up that much. But now at least I know I can do better, I can and will go for a few days without food, or at most under 500 cal.

God I'm such a failure...

last two days

I was lazy and didn't get around to posting these last two days... well lazy and ashamed. On wednesday I had a small chicken wrap that left my weight unchanged, and yesterday I had to have chinese buffet with a bunch of friends... and according to my scale I've gone up 3 lb. I hate myself for all this eating, and I plan on doing nothing but exercise today, I've gotta get this weight off... I'm so far from perfect...

Work

Yesterday while working with BR we went to subway where I got away with nibbling on one potato chip (low fat) and a few nibbles out of a 6" veggie sub. With no other cals going in me for the rest of the day. I wound up losing 1 lb.

So far today i've had nothing except diet amp to keep my energy up. I'm not hungry at all, it's weird because the last few times I tried to get back on track it was my hunger that thwarted me and now I can just keep fasting or having under 100 cal and be fine... It's wonderful.

Weekend summary

Yesterday I had 2 pancakes and a ton of coffee, yet with that I maintained my weight. Thankfully though today I was able to go all day with nothing but coffee and cigs. If all works out best tomorrow I'll be able to do another 0 cal day, but I work with BR and he will probably want to go for lunch... Thankfully neither of us has any real amount of money, so we may end up heading to his place for lunch which will make it easier for me to hide my lack of eating.

I wonder what it's like for all those "normal" people to be able to look at food without seeing only calories and fat, to sit down and eat a meal without crying later hating what you did, to be able to walk by a scale without feeling the urge to weigh themselves or by a window and not stop to look at how much they need to lose...

I can't understand it at all. Yeah I gained some weight back and everyday I still felt the same and hated myself more the more weight I gained. Am I gonna love myself through my weightloss? I don't think so but at least I'll be thin...

B's place

Keep in mind that for me it's not a new day till I sleep and wake up... so it's still Friday.

Today I had no food, the slight problem being that I was at a restaurant with B and C. I had coffee telling them I wasn't hungry. Spent the rest of the night with them until we took C home at 2ish.

I'm spending the night here... First off how cam B and E not have a scale?! I'm freaking out because I can't weigh myself. Secondly, I have no doubt that B will want breakfast in the morning, he knows I didn't eat dinner (doesn't know I also didn't eat breakfast or lunch) so how am I gonna pull off going with him to a restaurant in the morning and only getting coffee? And if he doesn't wonder then he certainly will when I refuse other food since I won't really have a way to toss it out here...

I didn't eat and yet I'm still crying, still sad, still pissed at myself for being so fat and ugly, I hope he doesn't hear me cry I'm too tired to come up with an excuse for my tears and sobs...

Grrr

So I WAS having a good day of just diet soda and no food till about 4pm when a friend who doesn't know my past decided it was time to eat telling me he was buying me food, 2 slices of pizza there though the college has surprisingly healthy pizza and I found that it's about 150 cal a slice. But when I got home I was greeted with more pizza of which I was forced to have 1 slice. Got I hate this so much. Next two days no matter what I'm not eating

Latte

Today has gone pretty good, no food was involved with my friends though we did wind up at a coffee shop and I had a skim milk latte. I'm not home and haven't seen a scale yet so I'm not sure how my weight has changed, though with my luck I probably gained 5 lb. On the plus side we went for another long walk before and after so hopefully the latte didn't do too much harm to my weight, but I'm still terrified...

Post labor day

In the end we had a small cook-out, with me doing the grilling. I enjoyed this since I was in perfect control of what I made for myself, which was one hotdog.. Of which I ate about half of before tossing it.

This morning my scales claimed I had neither gained nor lost weight from yesterday, upsetting but not terrible. So far today has been diet energy drinks (to jeep me going) and cigarettes. The best part is I don't even feel hungry, which will make it easier later on to refuse any food.

Labor day

I have like no sense of most holidays, except x-mas, thanksgiving, and my favorite Halloween. But any way, apparently the scales have changed their minds over night as I'm apparently at 137 now.

So far today I've had nothing but diet green tea, telling BR that I'm just not hungry. I'm sure there are plans for some food at home and my plan for that is to say that I ate with BR so I'm still stuffed. Should work... I hope.

Back to 139

Today didn't go all too well. At lunch J decided it was hotdog time and made us both two hotdogs. I wound up eating one of mine since he was watching but first chance I got I threw the other one away. So 260 cal there.

For dinner my mom made sone big lasagna for everyone. J and I ate in his room, where I kept my plate off to the side while playing on his computer, I ate one bite and as sooncas I could threw out the rest. Dunno how many cal are in that one bite.

I just weighed myself and I'm back up to 139. I did drink a few cans of nob-diet soda bur it's never affected me before. well from now on only diet soda, black coffee, and water for drinking. I can't stand myself for gaining a pound like that. Maybe it's still from the pizza yesterday?

Tomorrow I work with BR, and he's gonna want to go out for lunch probably, though if I can convince him to have us eat at his place I can say I don't feel like having any of what he has there, I dunno... Just upset and depresses now...

Hate myself...

I wound having to eat 2 slices of some super fatty Pizza Hut pizza... I hate myself so much, no food all day and then this eating. I feel so weak, so pathetic, so fat. Not home yet so I haven't weighed myself but I probably gained a ton of weight.

Afterward we all went on a long walk through a bit of the city we are in, but the whole time I was on the verge of tears, at one point J asked if I was ok and I came up with an excuse, they would never understand how I feel about myself and eating... I still felt horrible, I just hate myself.

138

So I dropped another pound from yesterday, an ok change but it needs to be more. So far today I've been able to avoid food, on the way to B's place me and J stopped for breakfast at a convenience store, I browsed the food looking thoughtful and hiding my dread of it all. My friend made a good and bad comment to me after I claimed I wasn't hungry: he said "if you aren't hungry I'm not gonna force you to eat."

Possibly the worst thing for him to say to me, and I plan to use it to my best ability to avoid eating today, though he may get suspicious...

A small bit of food

So we wound up going to my roommate's parent's place (gonna call him J) and I wound up having 290 cals from one hot pocket that he made for me and basically forced onto me. So all in all it was more than I wanted to have but I can deal with a day under 300 cals.

Tomorrow me and friends including J play a game and I will be at B's apartment, they will prolly wind up getting food, so I'll be eating a salad at most as long as noone gets too suspicious, which shouldn't happen because only J and BR knows a bit of my food issues. I'll make tomorrow a good day somehow

139???

So the chinese buffet happened of course. Afterward I was furious at myself but I did my best to hide my iritation, still wound up cutting myself pretty bad. And then I wake up to find that somehow I actually lost a pound. I'm bewildered confused and in a better mood because of it.

So far I've had nothing but some diet soda today, not sure if my roommate plans on having us go out tonight or not. If he does I'm gonna play my vegetarian card hardcore, if not then I'll finally get a 0 cal day, I've been needing one badly.

140

Well after doing really good at the college with no intake except doer coke, I got home with my roommate who decided we should have a pizza. The good thing is that I was able to cut the pizza (which thankfully wasn't to big), so I had him get like 70% of it.

After that I thought I wouldn't be losing Amy weight but woke up to find myself 2 lb down to 140. Seems my body is still syaying on the right track. I still have a lot to lose but at least I'm finally getting somewhere. I'm worried about tonight though, we both have had no real cash for a while and he's getting paid tpday so he decided yesterday that since he's been craving Chinese that we are going to a buffet.

I know I have no way our of this so my best bet is to eat nothing until then and then have as little as possible. I'm still scared to go to the buffet though, I don't wanna lose the progress I've made.

Then dinner

I had a good day then got stuck eating dinner, some chicken Alfredo stuff. I had a bit of it, though still too much. And my body also agreed against it, four times.

Somehow with all this I managed to lose 2 lb. Thankfully tomorrow I should be able to do a total fast at the college.

Please Ana let me lose more weight, I want to be perfect...

Right track?

Yesterday turned out to be ok food and weight wise. All total my food was a flatbread sub from subway (they look at you odd when you don't get cheese or some super fatty sauce btw), later I had a small (scoop maybe scoop and a half) of pasta with a bit of parma cheese on it, no sauce. I wound up losing like 2.5 lb some how... I'm a bit confused by that.

So far today I've had a bagel and that's it (besides diet mountain dew). I'm hoping I manage to prevent anymore eating today and lose more weight I feel so fat in my body.

Realizations...

I sit out here smoking my cig scared to shit at how far off my track I've gone. I'm hevier, uglier, I don't fit into my clothes like I should. I've avoided disclosing my weight out of shame but now I feel that's exactly the punishment I deserve for all this. Shame. I'm 140osh now. That's it I need all the help I can get I need to drop back down to my 120's as a start. I'm so ashamed of myself. Stop eating, lose weight fatty, Ana hates you for your disappointment to her. I hate myself even more now. I'm a failure but I won't stay one for long, no more excuses no more giving in to friends. Use my money for green tea, diet soda, and cigs. Get my body back. I hate myself so much. Maybe I'll take the step I avoided, maybe it's time to start purging...

Some good... Kinda

Well today was kinda good... Though not really foodwise. My phone has been junk for a while now and it turned out I was able to get an iPhone, I've been wanting one since they first came out and now I finally have one. So of course one of the first apps I get is one to track my weight and calories so I can keep a full day-to-day tracking of my fat ass. Not much else worth saying for today since I ate too much and hate myself for it... as usual.

train of thought

Scale, by the bed, under the cover. Lord of my mind, my life. It rules over me, taking away the freedom I wish for so much but yet I feel comforted by it's absolute law. The numbers it gives me are the truth, that which I must obey, like a teisted golf score. The lower score wins, higher score gets me scorn...

Mirrors, face away from the mirrors, no window to the soul... only a gaze at the flaws. That which must change, that needs to change. Thinner thinner thinner... lose it all... fade away...

Knife, by the bed, an arm's length away. Enforcer of the rule of Lord Scale. The punisher of my sins. Slice, a pound. Slice, a hundred calories. Slice away, the pain is the punishment that I deserve...

Clothes, the mockery of myself. Baggy pants, loose shirt, long sleeves. Hide the shame. Hide the body. Hide the scars.

Smiles, jokes, laughs... Mask, lies, acts... hide the truth, hide the tears, hide the hate...

Rub my hands, the obsession grows. Do they know? Do they suspect? Do they see through the acts?

Will they try to stop me?

Can I allow myself to let them try?

finally... a 'good' day

So I made the realization last night... well technically this morning at 2am (yay insomnia) that today (wednesday) I would be with friends... but I might be able to get away without eating the hordes of pizza, and that on thursday I would be working (lawncare, which I hate since I despise manual labor) by myself.. able to go without lunch and get back home too late for dinner, or say that I had something to eat. And it wouldn't really be a lie, I've started myself back onto the Kekwick diet, it's a kinda rough diet. Drops my energy back down to Zero, and puts my irritability way back up (thank you starvation), but with it I usually am able to drop 2-3 lb a day. I was on it today, no problems. Tomorrow I will be on it again. Friday I need to find out if my friend works with me or not, if he doesn't I'll be able to do it for that third day. Then I just need to keep my cal low on saturday (I'll prolly end up eating so I'll aim for salads the whole time, unless I'm at home then I'll just go for real small servings). Maybe this will be the first step to me getting my weight down again... I just keep thinking about getting my weight down... getting thin, and how wonderful it'll be when I make it down to a good weight. First down to 120, then 110... I hope to get below 100, that's my dream...

still going crazy

I hate this, my life hasn't gotten any better. I haven't even had the chance to do any real dieting or starving, my friends are constantly taking me out to eat or I'm stuck at home and need to eat there. I feel like I've lost control.. I hate it so much I gotta get things back on track, I've gotta lose this weight I've gained, I look terrible, feel terrible. Today friends took me out to the recently opened CiCi's Pizza, the slices are all small but I still felt like a pig afterwards, I got home after a night of bowling with friends and proceeded to cut into myself, a slice on my arm for each slice of pizza. I'm not in a good place, I just want things to get better, lose the weight, lose the stress...

crazy world

The world is going crazy, my life is going crazier, and it feels like I'm going craziest. I've been having a mix of days, eating a bit some days, nothing at all others, then sometimes a ton. No purging at all, not really a binge though... I don't going rummaging around looking for food... thankfully. My weight has mostly gone down a few Lb, then it'll go up one or two, then down again. I hate it. My friend will soon be trying a Tuna Diet he heard about, and despite him knowing my past I've managed to get myself in on that diet. It apparently loses quite a bit in a fairly short time, mostly turn fat into muscle... which I worry about. I don't wanna be at all buff, just thin. Super Thin.

Forgive me

Forgive me ana for i have eaten way too much of late. Its hard to fast and restrict with a roomate who knows my past and work with another friend who knows as well. But at least im sick now, my body is burning more cal trying to keep me healthy. Tomorrow i shall fast, and thursday i will restrict as my roomate is cooking. At least my weight isnt going up

Gonzo Journalism 3

So I look around at what I see on TV, hear on the radio, read on magazine covers. Lose weight, keep it off. Stay skinny. Get thin. Ways to help beat hunger.

And here we are, Eating Disorders all around, obsessing over food, losing weight, getting thin, staying thin, beating hunger. How is it that our obsession is so wrong and different from theirs? How is it fair that we get called abnormal for losing weight and getting thin, and yet if they lose weight and get thin people applaud their accomplishments.

Magazines trading off on all the tips... tips we ourselves see and use everyday. Do we even take it any further than they do? Do we obsess more?

No.

And then I see more. More and more people are being diagnoses with Eating Disorders. Most people at one point in time have had an ED. Whether or not they 'got over it' is another matter. Maybe.

So basically here we are in a society that applauds weightloss and thinness, promoting ways to beat hunger and keep the weight off. So why are we the ones who get looked upon with pity and sorrow. Displeasure. We're wrong, they're right...

Is that how it really is? Or are we all disordered, them and us. We just accept it, don't we? Maybe the problem is that we promote our ideas and tips as 'Pro-Ana', they use a nicer word I guess. A world that breeds these kind of views... and yet WE are the ones who are wrong.

Bleh

Today turned out better than i thought it would. I had 3 hotdogs witg diet sobe green tea. Other than that just cigs and coffee. Managed to lose 3lb. Tho by the end of the night i had an upset stomache from all the coffee, ah well the pain for perfection. Tomorrow will be a fasting day, unless a friend or roomate gets in the way

disappointment

My weight ahs been going horridly wrong of late. So I strove out for a fast today, but it wound up being more of a restriction instead. Not enough but better than nothing.

On the plus side my friend and I spent a good long time on Wii Fit and by the end of one day's worth I had lost 1.38 Lb. So I feel that with more exercising than I was doing before (which was none, pure loss through starving and restricting) and more dieting I'll start making some real weight loss happen.

Gonzo Journalism 2

Advertisements on TV, one in particular catches my eye. A new yogurt, now with like 60 calories instead of 100. All eaten by relatively thin women talking about how they need to lose weight. And here we are, us stricken with Anorexia, Bulimia, or EDNOS told about how we are fine and shouldn't lose more weight. No gain weight, it'll make you happier. And watch TV where they will tell you nothing but how you should lose weight.

It used to be an easier double standard to understand. Men got dealt one hand, women got dealt the same but with added bonuses and a damn near immunity to anything dealing with men. A double standard that could be understood. Now this standard has advanced to a much more ambiguous arena. Lose weight. Don't lose weight. Losing weight will make you pretty and happy. Gain weight it'll make you pretty and happy.

It's hard for anyone to look around at all this and not feel that they're body isn't flawed, imperfect. You need improvement. What kind of improvement though? Thin people should be on diets and lose weight, but also they can't be too thin or else they need to diet and gain weight. Diet diet diet.

We're losing track of the baser things, the real things. Happiness. Contentment. Accepting who and what you are. But then again. I see all this around me all the while feeling nothing more than I need to lose weight. I need to hit 110. I see ads about people using new weight lose supplements and it says the loss shown is 6.5 Lb over 8 weeks. And then that voice screams out in my head. I can lose 6.5 in 3 days. So am I better off or worse off?

gonzo journalism?

It's an odd sort of thing in America right now. Myself along with who knows how many other guys are out there doing our damnedest to be thin and small, tiny. Petite. Yet the ideal image of the male figure seems to be this lean muscular figure, all tone and perfect posturing. Like some kind of greek statue.

So in a way the feeling we male anorexics have is against the idea, and yet in our minds it's this version of perfection that we strive so hard for. And it seems to be catching on in a way too. I've noticed that more and more the ideal male is going more toward the androgynous thin guys, so I guess if we manage to hit our perfection it'll one day mesh up quite nicely with the view of our society.

We look around and are still bogged down with the doubts and feelings of our female anorexic counterparts. There is that person thinner than me? Are they starving too? Why do they look happier than I could ever hope to be? Maybe it's some kind of elaborate act, convincing everyone around them that they just happen to have some insane metabolism, but do they actually eat? I dunno.

Most times I look at the thin people around me and an intense pange of jealousy drives through me, and I think to myself "Dammit get ahold of yourself. Your vice has to be Pride not Jealousy, don't envy them, beat them. Be better and thinner. And then by damn it flaunt it. One day you'll be able to flaunt it. Look how thin I am! Look at this model of perfection walking beside you. How can you bear to not envy this body?"

Of course that's the lie going on in my head. The voice I hear instead is much different. "Are you actually thinking of eating? Didn't you figure this out yet? Don't eat. It's just that simple. Stop the food from entering your mouth, say no thanks when offered some food. Aren't you strong enough? Don't you have enough willpower? I guess you aren't worth it are you?"

The voice echoing around yelling at me for my flaws. Which apparently I need since I guess I don't bring them up enough for myself. Maybe I need that little voice to push me. But god I wish I didn't wind up crying most nights from it.

bleh and thoughts

First and foremost: I broke my fast today. Was hanging out with a friend all day and we went out to lunch to an all you can eat kinda thing, I was fairly ok with it seeing as I wasn't able to get more than 2 small slices of pizza and a brownie down. Later his dad ordered out for Pizza as well, and I wound up eating like 3 slices there. I realized that it shouldn't be too bad seeing as I haven't eaten since wednesday but when I just got home my scale is saying that I gained 7 Lb. That is fucking nuts and it's really reuined the day for me.

And I can't be too entirely sure what will happen tomorrow, it all depends on my friend really. The two of us are supposed to go up and visit my dad (in which case I prolly won't be able to do more than MAYBE restrict a bit), however if he doesn't show up then it'll be a day of fasting. Though regardless I'm going to do at least a 3-day fast starting monday. If nothing else this 2-day fast made me realize that I still have the motivation, willpower, and strength to do it.

As for the thoughts part, Mango brought up a good point in that I really haven't been mentioning much about being an ana guy, in part because most of what I think about is my weight and food anyway. Well I'll take some time and put a bit of it out there. Being an ana guy is... odd. First off I'm not exactly the manliest guy to ever walk the earth, pretty far from it (see purple hair and girls jeans), also most people don't take notice too much except for a few people close to me who realize that I 'was' Anorexic (in their minds, most think I 'got over it').

People don't seem to notice a boy starving himself nearly as much as they do a girl. In a way it's kind of a good thing in one aspect seeing as it means I can usually get away with fasting in most company without any hassle, people turn a blind eye to it. If I'm not a girl I CAN'T get an eating disorder. So as far as the stealth and secrecy in Anorexia it works out.

But it's not all good (as nothing is really all good or all bad) in the way that it also means that a person who may REALLY need help with what's going on with him will never get that help until it's way too late. So there are a lot of guys out there (admitedly myself included) who could really use the help but won't get it, for a couple reasons. The main one is that they will almost never be noticed as having an Eating Disorder, way too many people are willing to just say that they have a crazy fast metabolism or something like that; another reason is that (though admitedly this one is just guys it's a lot of us) they don't want help (myself included there), guys have a tendency to be a lot more stubborn about things that may be wrong with them and also are notorious for refusing to go to doctors or other places that will help.

So all in all being a male Anorexia is an odd experience, people don't notice. It's great and awful depending on your view of it at the time (ie. mine is kinda biased). I feel that more people should start to notice others around them, maybe look past some of the stereotypical beliefs out there and see what's really going on.

the fast continues

Today was more fasting. Not a crumb of food went past my lips today. The temptations were there but my willpower turned out to be even greater than food. That's two days down. 8 more to go. I have this terrible feeling that on sunday I may be forced to break my fast, not positive yet. Should I be forced into eating I'll be going for the absolute lowest amount. Even if I would want to go for more, I have no doubt that my stomache has shrank already, which is a glorious thing.

I feel I'm starting to get the nice euphoric surge from starving, though I did notice that I was a lot more irratible today, but nothing great will come without sacrifice. I'm looking forward and at the same time dreading looking at the scales, I want so much for my weight to drop but I'm terrified that it won't be dropping as much as I want it to.

fasting

So I went on board for a 10 day fast in reply to another blog... only to find out that her 10 day fast started 10 days ago, thus is over. So I decided fuck it, I'll do it anyway. So today was the first day. 1 day no food, no juice, food, anything. Just coffee, cigarettes and diet coke. Though there was a bit of a slip up in the form of 7 shots of peppermint schnapps, but even that shouldn't be too bad since it still wasn't food. The fast itself remains intact. And I feal pretty damn good about it. Haven't weighed myself yet out of fear of looking upon my weight but I have a fairly good feeling about it.

So I'll put it out there, anyone up to join on the 10 day fast? It's been started on this side already, 1 day down 9 more to go. Let's all be strong together, we can do it, we have the willpower that others lack. No doubts, no excuses. Just success.

I decided to actually put up a few pics for others to see, just the face and hair. Both of which look insanely awful. The purple have faded, viciously so. But when it's gone I'm going to super-bleach and do it again. With hopefully much better results.

on failing

Well it seems I've got two things failing on me here, my restrictions/fasting as well as my hair color. I imagine I did something vastly wrong in doing it as it has turned from a deep blue-violet, to a more grayish faded purple... and also I managed to over eat again today. I have set aside tomorrow as a fasting day and I think going back onto a schedule will help alot. For the first few days it'll be 0-200-400-600 cal, and then I'll go to 2-4-6-8, and then either a day or two of fasting or back to 0-2-4-6. Hopefully this will help me on my lofty goal of getting down to my goal weight. Providing I don't manage to muck it all up.

So of course...

my fast turned into more a restrict. But I guess I'll just have to deal with that. At least I didn't go overboard at all, and I can fast tomorrow (which should be easier anyway since I was hanging out with a lot of people over this weekend). I'm kinda enjoying the purple hair but next time I'm gonna bleach first instead of just going with my blonde (which the purple super darkened).

Brave New World

I've been feeling pretty down lately, and decided to brighten myself up with a change in appearance that is faster than what I'm aiming for. Hair color. My hair has now gone from dark blonde at the top shifting into bright blonde at the bottom to Dark Violet at the top shifting to lighter violet at the bottom. Overall I enjoy the change quite a bit (though I woulda preferred it being a bit lighter and more pure violet than the blue-violet it came out).

Unfortunately I definately needed the pick me up after eating some chinese today, though it was really the only eating I did the whole day, even then I wasn't able to eat much at all. Later I had some Rockstar Coffee drinks, which at the very least, kind of ... emptied me out... So I consider that kind of a plus. I've decided that the next two days will be fasting, nothing but diet coke and water. More water than diet coke since the fake-sugar will make my body crave real sugar more, and water will just fill up the stomache with no cal no sweeteners.

Blah

I've been neglecting my blog and dear readers and I feel bad about it. It's been a mix of two major things really. A) Craziness in my life trying to figure out how to get a job and get my car fixed and deal with various different drama situations from various groups of friends. B) I've been getting more and more depressed lately. And lonely. And it sucks. I've eaten way more than I should have today, and now the worst thing is that my weight is going up and down constantly. Some days it'll be a little on the low side, then it'll go up a few pounds, then back down. I gotta find a way to just set myself back on track.

A few days ago I was in the shower after one moment of sudden eating and decided I would try to purge. Even with drinking 20 oz. of water I couldn't seem to do it. Which actually made me feel even worse. It's like I'm not even good enough to be able to purge at all, there are plenty of people out there who can do it, so why not me. It's not that I REALLY want to purge but sometimes after I eat my mind just decides it's what needs to be done. I dunno... maybe I'm just fucked up.

birthday

Today is my birthday. It's kind of sad that even on a day like this all I can think of is what I'm eating and how to lose weight. My friend did a good job of making it a pretty good day though, so that was fun. But he also took me out to eat and insisted on a big meal... and I couldn't do anything about it. I think more about purging out if I eat now which makes me feel that I would rather just not eat, so except for tomorrow (where I need to eat dinner with the family) it's going to be major restricting and fasting... though I feel aweful even saying that since it seems that I can never follow through. I need to get myself back to the right mindset with all this. I used to be right on track all the time, but now I'm off, and remembering being back on just makes it a bit worse.

scared

I was just outside for a cigarette and spent about 10 minutes trying to purge. I had way to much to eat, and suddenly the urge just hit me. I just felt that I had to purge out. I failed, of course. But stayed scared. Even now I'm terrified, I just feel really really scared and don't know why. I need to keep my eating down, next time I figure I should drink a lot of water right after to do it right. I don't want to do so, but if I eat I just need to get it out. I should just be able to avoid food completely...

Dropping

So my weight is dropping again which relieves me a bit, and motivates me more. Back down to 125 and feel i can keep it going now. Also seems i may be able to get a job soon so i have that to look forward to

Odd Signs

So did anyone realize that this was apparently Eating Disorder Awareness Week? I didn't even know such a thing existed till I got to the college yesterday and saw a sign outside of the Health Station talking about eating disorders and stuff. For people without an ED I guess they wouldn't feel too much about it, unless they know someone with an ED. But for me (and maybe I'm just weird) but it kinda helped set my mind on losing more weight.

It totally helped yesterday be a mostly successful restriction, though it was a fast for most of the day until I got to my friends house around 4ish and had a doughnut (or more technically a Fastnacht). So all in all it wasn't too bad. Today I will continue on a restriction, though I get the feeling I will be stuck with my parents for a while today and knowing them they will want me to eat lunch so I'll just have to find a way around that.

At least I'm starting to get my weight down again, it's slow but every little bit counts.

good then crash

I was doing pretty good these last two days, a fairly good restriction. And then today it all fell apart as I consumed way more than I should have. My car just recently got injured, I need to save up for repairs on the engine. Problem is no job. And with no car it's incredibly hard to go about getting a job. I'm dealing with so much stress I can barely stand it, and more than once I've had to wonder what could possibly keep me going. It seems like I've got nothing to really look forward to. I'm just hoping than something will come along to help me in some way. I need money, I need my car... but most of all I need to lose all this horrible weight. If I could just get my weight down to where I want it at least I'll look better, thinner...

Stagnation

Recently has been a mix of good low cal days and days where I wind up eating more than I would want to. Each day ends in regret. My car a few days ago was broken, now I need to find a job and save up to fix it or replace the engine. I was planning on replacing the engine anyway, but not now, later on instead. My weight hasn't gone up at least, but it also hasn't gone down at all. Of course maybe I'm not worth it, I keep feeling that a low. Worthless. I can't even lose weight. A lot of days I struggle to find reasons to get out of bed. I hate feeling like this so much. I hate myself.

fasting

I didn't quite plan it out today, but managed to fast all day today. Went down a pound which is a good start, I can't help but admit that it's thanks to both my talent of being unable to make decisions on food to eat, and a recent and abrupt lack of funds on my part. So odds are likely that it will continue for at least another day. It's a good start as long as I can keep it going.

drunk

Well I guess I lose a follower or two there, which kinda sucks because it means less people care about my life, ah well. It appears that it now only takes roughly four beers to get me drunk which I found out tonight, I feel horrid about the food tonight, 3 slices of pizza from Pizza Hut, 2 PB&J sammiches and a half a bowl of soup. Just horrid. I hate myself so much. But with the alchohol in me perhaps tonight I'll vomit, not by choice just through chemical. Got two friends over while I pass out in the basement, watched some Zombie flicks tonight with them. They often mention how thin I am but I still don't see it. Maybe I never will.

It sucks having this condition, always running through my head. Everytime I look at food I just think of the calories and how fat it'll make me. I'm still a size 0 which I guess is kinda good but I should be size 00, I gotta get smaller still. One day I'll get there... but who knows when... seems like forever away...

Restricting

I havent been posting as much as i would like to which sucks. I apologize for that. Today went well enough 2 slices of pizza (400 cal) then a bit of popcorn at a movie and half a cup of yogurt (50 cal). I was able to fight off temptation at home and with friends today so my control is getting better. The weight is coming off as well but not as much as i would like (of course). Tomorrow will be hanging out with friends for movies and drinking, i always seem to lose weight when i get drunk so i hope for the best with it, and i really hope there wont be much eating involved.

Death in the family

My dog a standard poodle had to be put down on friday. It was without a doubt one of the saddest days ever for me. For 12 years she had been a great member of the family and now she's gone. She had gotten sick and her kidneys had shut down, we could have put her in the hospital and maybe kept her going a few more months, but that wouldn't have been fair to her. Having her live for a few more months for our behalf while she was there in pain wouldn't have been fair.

Stressed Out

God I hate myself, thanks to all the MEGA STRESS I've been dealing with from the whole family, lack of cash and job, and continuous bills my will broke out and I've eaten a LOT today, it was going ok at the start with 220 cal of chicken soup, but then at a friends house I indulged in peanut butter cookies and at another friend's house I went after the doughnut holes there... I gotta get myself back on track, so tomorrow and frieday I'm fasting and saturday I'm going back to restricting. I just need to find more ways to avoid eating with friends, that I feel is my biggest problem...

Getting back on track

I'm starting to get back on track, restricting today, and I'll likely fast tomorrow and wednesday (as long as no friend related troubles pop up). I've been looking EVERYWHERE for a red bracelet, just a simple red bracelet, tried Hot Topic, Clair's, all over the mall... then I found what I was looking for yesterday, at Wal-Mart. So now I've got my Red Bracelet on all the time. I know not too many people know what it stands for, but those who do will recognize it quickly.

restrictions restrictions

First off: Wow 19 followers, meaing at least 19 people regularly actually give half a shit of what goes on in my life. Thanks guys I really mean it, it's a great help to know that some people out there do seem to care or at least have a passing interest you help me out a lot.

So today was a restriction day... not incredibly successful (2 slices of pizza, a cookie, a starbucks gingerbread coffee (sugarfree), and a brownie), but somehow through all that I managed to actually lose a little bit of weight. Currently down to 126, still too much, gotta lose a lot more. Sometimes I go by physical signs instead of weight though, for example you can sort of see what I look for in my photo there, the abdomen area for me has a solid line of my ab-muscle going from solar plexus to my hips, if I can feel a bit around it at least I can tell that I'm not too bad off. If I can't feel it at all then I really freak out for a while. I also go by a lot of measurements of my body (and yes here you are getting my real current stats):
fore arm: 9in
Wrist: 6in
Waist: 28in
Hips: 34in
Bust: 32in
Thigh: 18in
Ankle: 7in

Maybe that's a bit further than most people go, but then again I can't exactly say that I'm like most people.

In other news: Lost my job. Yeah, go me. Lost it on tuesday, needless to say I was... irrate. As if I don't get irritable enough from constant depression and hunger, then stress at home, they go ahead and through that right on top of the heap. It sucks. Bad. On the plus side (hopefully): I'm going to the place where a few of my friends currently work tomorrow to apply for a job. If things work out I'll manage to net myself a job. Not the job I would prefer there, but at least it's a foor in the door. And a few of my friends there have enough sway to hopefully help me get into a REAL position there, one where I can more freely take breaks. Not that breaks is the major concern (added bonus really), but also it's a pay increase from 8.50/hr to 12/hr. That's a nice pay up. Hell, even 8.50 is a little more than a dollar more than what I was getting at my last job. And that wasn't part time.

Ah yeah, part time to full time. Not something I especially look forward to but I figure: A) I'm not currently in any classes at college and B) I REALLY need the money.

So here's hoping my luck works out. My luck is kinda odd, I've managed to escape death (not even a joke there, I'll get into that later) with my luck and get a nice sports car to name a few off the top of my head. And I get this feeling my luck may help me out with the job search as well.

So this has been a rather large post, I hope you all didn't mind my ranting about the non-ED part of my life, but it all ties together in one way or another.

Brand New Day

So college is starting up tomorrow which I'm thankful for, even though I won't actually be attending (no money = no classes), but I'm going to go hang out there when I can until I officially go back next semester. At the very least it will allow me to stay away from home and let me get away from food temptations. Noone at the college knows of my little problem with food, so noone pressures me to eat. Today is going pretty good, currently going with the plan of No Plan.

Today has been 3 cups of Vanilla Caramel Tea with artificial sweetener. Haven't had the chance to hit up a cigarette yet though, and I do want one quite a bit. My craving isn't bad at all which I attribute to the fairly good quantity of liquid in my belly right now. As long as I can keep myself together and not fall into a pattern of eating more than 1K Cal then I should start to get back down to where I NEED to be.

restrictions

So first off my internet is working just fine now, just thought I'd get that outta the way first. My restricting has been going pretty well today, a Nurtigrain bar (120 cal) and a bowl of vegetable soup (220 cal) bringing my total in at 340 cal, that and diet soda and cigarettes pretty much fleshes out my day today. The only thing I dread is that tomorrow I will be with my dad and thus there will most likely be eating, I think I'll do fine as long as we don't go to some buffet or something of similar nonsense.

Internet

So my internet is down again. I havent been able to do any of my normal interneting and its driving me nuts. My eating hasnt been any better either which is making me more and more irritable each day. I just feel like i wanna lock myself away from everyone i hang out with for like a week just so i could get away from the eating that happens with them.

Restricting again

I decided to restrict a bit, until maybe tuesday or wednesday. Today went fairly well with that, 2 cups of yogurt, coffee, cigarettes, and a cookie (though the cookie made me feel awful). No real weight loss from today but I figure my body is trying to catch back up with it all, so the next few days should be much better.

I guess things are still looking a little ok. Decided to snap a pic of myself while laying in bed, I'm honestly going to try to avoid showing my face, just because problems may arise if people find out. See what you think:

misery

I feel so miserable now, I spent the last two days hanging ut with friends who are constantly worried about me and my weight. Thus there was a lot of eating involved. All the weight loss I had made from my fast vanished quicker than ever. Can't trust the scale right now since there is still food in my stomache, but even with that knowledge it's almost impossible for me to deal with the reading on my scales. I'll be spending sunday into monday at my father's place and I just know that there will be eating... but they don't have any idea about my eating problems... which should make it significantly easier to get by with eating much less.

Pessimist

Maybe I'd be better off overall as a pessimist. Because then I could just look at everything I do and just immediately assume that I'd fail and thus decide it isn't worth trying, but no instead I'm more of an optimist and go about my dad assuming things will work out in the end, and that I'll manage to succeed.

What makes me start thinking like this today, well because of course I failed at my fast today. On the plus side I did get through two and a half of the days before crashing it to meaninglessness. Decided to hang out with some friends today, and that wound us up at a Chinese restaurant and then the movies. After that I came home and there were brownies. I'll have to find out in the morning exactly how much I've set myself back, but it feels to me like I'm so far away as to make it not worth me trying... though I know that there is no way I can actually give up.

Of course I had tried to stop my fasting, restricting, obsessing over my weight all of it. But when I do I always seem to fall right back to it in at most a week. So it seems like no matter what I'm stuck with these feelings and obsessions... I dunno if I'll ever be able to freely eat and never worry.... I'm dunno if I would ever want to...

End of Day 2

Today was another successful day, I'm starting to feel a bit better about it all too. The weight is starting to drop off, and I'm back down to where I was before I started gaining like crazy from the holiday. Down to 125 according to my scale, 123 according to the bathroom scale. And I'm gaining more followers, up to 15. It's sort of surprising that people actually seem interested about how things are going for me and what I'm doing. That alone feels kinda great. And thanks to everyone who's willing to take time outta their day just to read up on my little life.

Day 2 of 3

So far things have gone pretty good. I can feel my hunger building up more and more, but I have managed to keep it off my mind through coffee, tea, and cigs. All I have to do is make it to wednesday and then I'll be able to have a LITTLE bit of something. Restricting often times feels even better since I waste most of my eating time with planning out what I will actually eat... kinda interesting in a way.

Day 1 of 3

So my fast thus far has gone well. Nothing but coffee and cigarettes, except for one diet coke and one cup of Vanilla Caramel Tea (0 cal). So all in all I went well through the day. The scale has me starting to get back down to an almost reasonable weight but I need to keep it up. Tomorrow will hopefully be more of the same... though I do need to go get more cigs, they help ever so much with my appetite and keeping away from eating.

starting up a new fast

I'm sick and tired of all this wasteful eating that's been going on, today was another day of the same, due in part to visiting my family today. But starting tomorrow I'm getting back on track. Starting with a new fast. I've got plenty of determination, and I'm tired of having to punish myself with every pound I gain... I'm running out of room on my arm and leg... so tomorrow starts up the fast. I'm gonna go for at least 3 days (nothing but diet soda, coffee and cigarettes), and then go onto a strict restriction. This will work, not because I hope it will, but because it HAS to work.

Hate and resolutions

I hate myself so much, ive been hanging out with friends and eating so much. All the holiday meals have hurt me even more and i find myself crying at night over it more and more. My resolution is to get down to 110 by summer. Hopefully ill hit that in spring and can get myself even lower. I just hate it all so much right now