Odd Signs

So did anyone realize that this was apparently Eating Disorder Awareness Week? I didn't even know such a thing existed till I got to the college yesterday and saw a sign outside of the Health Station talking about eating disorders and stuff. For people without an ED I guess they wouldn't feel too much about it, unless they know someone with an ED. But for me (and maybe I'm just weird) but it kinda helped set my mind on losing more weight.

It totally helped yesterday be a mostly successful restriction, though it was a fast for most of the day until I got to my friends house around 4ish and had a doughnut (or more technically a Fastnacht). So all in all it wasn't too bad. Today I will continue on a restriction, though I get the feeling I will be stuck with my parents for a while today and knowing them they will want me to eat lunch so I'll just have to find a way around that.

At least I'm starting to get my weight down again, it's slow but every little bit counts.

good then crash

I was doing pretty good these last two days, a fairly good restriction. And then today it all fell apart as I consumed way more than I should have. My car just recently got injured, I need to save up for repairs on the engine. Problem is no job. And with no car it's incredibly hard to go about getting a job. I'm dealing with so much stress I can barely stand it, and more than once I've had to wonder what could possibly keep me going. It seems like I've got nothing to really look forward to. I'm just hoping than something will come along to help me in some way. I need money, I need my car... but most of all I need to lose all this horrible weight. If I could just get my weight down to where I want it at least I'll look better, thinner...

Stagnation

Recently has been a mix of good low cal days and days where I wind up eating more than I would want to. Each day ends in regret. My car a few days ago was broken, now I need to find a job and save up to fix it or replace the engine. I was planning on replacing the engine anyway, but not now, later on instead. My weight hasn't gone up at least, but it also hasn't gone down at all. Of course maybe I'm not worth it, I keep feeling that a low. Worthless. I can't even lose weight. A lot of days I struggle to find reasons to get out of bed. I hate feeling like this so much. I hate myself.

fasting

I didn't quite plan it out today, but managed to fast all day today. Went down a pound which is a good start, I can't help but admit that it's thanks to both my talent of being unable to make decisions on food to eat, and a recent and abrupt lack of funds on my part. So odds are likely that it will continue for at least another day. It's a good start as long as I can keep it going.

drunk

Well I guess I lose a follower or two there, which kinda sucks because it means less people care about my life, ah well. It appears that it now only takes roughly four beers to get me drunk which I found out tonight, I feel horrid about the food tonight, 3 slices of pizza from Pizza Hut, 2 PB&J sammiches and a half a bowl of soup. Just horrid. I hate myself so much. But with the alchohol in me perhaps tonight I'll vomit, not by choice just through chemical. Got two friends over while I pass out in the basement, watched some Zombie flicks tonight with them. They often mention how thin I am but I still don't see it. Maybe I never will.

It sucks having this condition, always running through my head. Everytime I look at food I just think of the calories and how fat it'll make me. I'm still a size 0 which I guess is kinda good but I should be size 00, I gotta get smaller still. One day I'll get there... but who knows when... seems like forever away...

Restricting

I havent been posting as much as i would like to which sucks. I apologize for that. Today went well enough 2 slices of pizza (400 cal) then a bit of popcorn at a movie and half a cup of yogurt (50 cal). I was able to fight off temptation at home and with friends today so my control is getting better. The weight is coming off as well but not as much as i would like (of course). Tomorrow will be hanging out with friends for movies and drinking, i always seem to lose weight when i get drunk so i hope for the best with it, and i really hope there wont be much eating involved.

Death in the family

My dog a standard poodle had to be put down on friday. It was without a doubt one of the saddest days ever for me. For 12 years she had been a great member of the family and now she's gone. She had gotten sick and her kidneys had shut down, we could have put her in the hospital and maybe kept her going a few more months, but that wouldn't have been fair to her. Having her live for a few more months for our behalf while she was there in pain wouldn't have been fair.