The fuzzies

My mind has been covered in the fuzzies all day long. Part of me, as always, gets annoyed by it. Making it more difficult to focus on things, thinking, staring off into space. But then the better part of me is thrilled at the fact that it means my body is starting to deal with going on less than 1000 calories... most of the time lately less than 500 calories.

Today being one of those less than 500 days. I was supposed to go out with another agent on an appointment today, but it turned out to be canceled and I wound up just lazing in bed till I had to get up and help W transfer tools with another of his co-workers. While sitting at the van having a cigarette I tried to think of what we were going to do with an appointment tomorrow... and I couldn't think. At all, the end.

It was a little thrilling. My sense is back to me. I smile on the inside more as the pain in my stomach grows. Even the familiar feeling of the body being hungry but not for a specific thing, just sort of hungry in general. And I know that I can say no, and I can avoid food just like I always did before.

And what was on the plate today? Well at one point I couldn't really avoid W asking about what I'd had and that I should eat (I have a habit of aimlessly wandering over to the fridge, opening it and then closing it without taking any food... like all the time). So I decided to make some lunch. Of course an anorexic's lunch can be a sight to behold.

30 minutes to make a sandwich. I had to pull out anything that could go on it. Scrutinize over the calories and fat count. Decide what out of it all could go on that would be alright. And then actually do the math and add it all up to get my total.

I split a potato hamburger bun into two (one bun is 130 calories). Then I got out some sliced ham and turkey and decided that having two sandwiches would be harder to eat than one, spreading it out would make more that I have to eat and thus make me less able to get through it all. 1 oz of ham (40 calories) went between the two halves of bun, and 1 oz of turkey (50 calories) went on next. Then I split a single slice of muenster cheese between the two of them (80 calories). And finished it up by putting mustard all over these two open-face sandwiches.

At that point W had to leave on a job. So I nibbled and drank diet soda for the course of 40 minutes. And then after managing to get through one of the two sandwiches I went and threw the other out, hiding it under other pieces of trash to hide it nicely. So if I would have eaten it all: 300 calories. Instead I took that and got through half. So 150 calories for the day.

The fuzzies stayed with me for most of the day. Then at one point I had to go over to Z's place to print a form that I will need at tomorrow's appointment (my printer just ran out of ink and I'm too poor to get more). I had a glass of water and turned down his offering of food (I just ate I lied to him). I got everything printed out (finding everything I needed was a bit confusing, not sure if that's because of the business itself or the fuzzies) and after 2 hours finally left to go back home to W.

He was just making dinner and of course asked if I wanted some, but I casually turned it down saying I just wasn't hungry. And so I sat with him while he ate and we watched some TV, rubbing his back after a while. It was a nice night. But at one point while walking past the kitchen I got drawn in.

I opened the pantry and looked right at the swiss rolls sitting on the shelf. I craved them, and I craved them hard. I nearly reached for them with a part of my mind saying 'you've only had 150 calories today, 200 more wouldn't be too bad'. But I was able to pull myself away from it all. quickly I was out the door to the balcony to have another cigarette.

And then the craving was gone, I just had to wait the few minutes of my smoke. Why yes the swiss rolls would be nice to have, but no thanks. I'd rather be thin.

So today was good. 150 calories, resisting temptation everywhere I went, and now I'm sitting here with a cup of vanilla honey chamomille tea.

Laters, K

A disaster and an improvement

So yesterday me and a bunch of friends got together at my mom's place to have a meal. Joy.

Now the meal itself was fairly healthy, J made his Tropical Chili (Apple, Mango, Mandarin Orange, Black beans, Chicken, White Rice). So as far as the actual health and calories it wasn't as bad as it could be. I myself ate 3/4th of a bowl of it. Still too much but I had to eat to appear normal. With it I drank plenty of diet soda of course.

However of course this led to me later on having to cut. Now I made a bad choice on this one. My left arm is mostly scar at this point I feel, so I decided that since I haven't cut my leg in a while I would cut there. Simple enough to hide I figured, it's cold and long pants can always hide the scars.

Now the next part requires a bit of preface. As you all know I am gay, very gay. And not manly about it either, I'm a fem, girly boi. I like to wear girls clothes often as well (pants and shirts, I don't go around in skirts and dresses). And W likes me in girly things as well. I had forgotten that he had ordered me a side tie bikini... and it arrived today as I got home from work.

Of course he wanted to see me in it right away and all I could think about were the fresh slices on my left thigh. So after trying to hide my leg and avoiding wearing the bikini (he ordered me a small which is apparently size 0-2) eventually I couldn't avoid it. It did fit well and I do like it and look forward to wearing it... but he did notice the cuts on my leg. He commented on it and I just brushed it aside with a Yeah and ignored it from there, although I did notice him look at my leg often and rub his hand over it.

As far as my eating today I was a little disappointed but all in all I did fairly well. 5 chicken nuggets (230 calories) with yellow mustard (0 calories). I drank nothing but diet soda and ate nothing else today. so my total is 230 calories. Today at my weigh-in I was up from 148 to 149 lb, with today that should be cut back down to at least 148 maybe 147.

In other news for today, I have finally completed all of my initial online courses and contracting for my new position. So now I can finally start writing some business. I won't go into any specifics of my position but after a few years I can be looking at making 6 figures, this is very good. I'm tired of being the poorest person I know.

Laters, K

Great day

According to Baron Scale I have lost 6 lb in the past three days. Bringing me down to a depressingly high 150. Like I said I've been awful lately and for a while. I would have days on track maybe 1 day eat nothing, or under 500. But most days I would be unable to avoid eating...

Today was not one of those days. I went with no food, 2 diet amps at 10 per, and one cup of vanilla camomile tea with soy milk in it so about 20 calories there. Bringing today's total to 40 calories. That made a great day, no food and under 100 calories.

The lies return easily and thankfully. Just now W commented on not eating in a while and asked If I had eaten. Why of course subway while working it was delicious... and a lie.

My mind is back to where it should be. Why eat and give up what I've lost, maybe with more food I'll trick my body into losing but really food = calories = fat. I still have my size 0's waiting for me to return to my former size, and with more days like this I will get there.

Laters, K

Another day on track

Today went very well. Could have gone down though, I did have a slight bit of temptation. Mostly it was due to a very boring day. But thankfully once against my job saved the day.

I woke up at my usual time to get ready for appointments, only to find that the first two were rescheduled due to weather. So instead we only had one appointment at 4pm. So I meandered around the apartment wasting some time, drinking some diet soda, black coffee, cigarette cigarette cigarette.

After a while I decided to run out for some gas, and the temptation hit full force at the gas station. I grabbed a diet Amp and then the junk foods. Everywhere, gas stations are designed to get us to eat it seems. And of course nothing but the worst of foods to eat there as well.

I must look odd standing in the food aisles staring at different foods. Pick up a cookie, read the calories, put it back. Pick up a muffin, read, refuse. I studied the entire aisle, my body desiring every piece I saw. Eventually I did actually get something, a protein meal bar. 170 calories.

Fine, you can have this bit right here. That's all your getting. After an hour of nibbling on that and drinking my diet amp, then soda, then more coffee it was time for the appointment. My mind is already getting a bit of the fuzzies, I love it. The wool on the brain, it tells me that I'm doing things right.

After the rather uneventful appointment I went back home. W was away on work so I was free to sit around and do basically nothing for a while. Read a bit of Wasted (love that book). He came home around 6 and decided it was dinner time. I had soup, he had a sandwich and a salad.

The soup was 220 calories, and I took as long as possible with it. Long enough to manage only the soup, but not long enough for W to question it. We watched some TV after that.

And I realize now that this post must sound very boring.... but I've still got the fuzzies, and my sinuses are full of pressure so my mind isn't quite on par...

So then let's throw in some more good news. A couple of days ago I needed my credit checked to get an appointment with a company. I was denied due to a big charge on my credit. $946! From something I had never heard of. This wasn't boding well.

After a bit of research I found that it was a company that bought debt and tried to get paid on it. Well as it turned out I had two options: Get rid of this from my credit, or never get appointed and lose my new job.

After scraping together everything I had, and a few phone calls to the company I was able to get it settled for $300. Which for right now is a LOT, but in the long run it's not too bad. This is a job that is on average 6 figures. So I think for now I can deal with the 300 loss. And at least it's helped clear up my credit.

I weighed myself two days ago: 155
Yesterday: 153
Today: 151

This is a very good thing. I need to keep this up. When I'm back on track I always want to go to bed, sleep away the cravings and see what I've lost in the morning. That makes all the difference really. The morning. Lost some weight? Good you're on track, now keep it up and lose more. Gained some weight? You filthy pig, you're not allowed to eat anything today. A win win really for me.

Although admittedly for the last long while I haven't been on track. So I wasn't starving after weighing, I was cutting. Punishing. Trying to get a grasp back on my eating. And now I've got it, and I won't let go. I can't let go.

Tomorrow will be interesting, no appointments. No escape from home, from food. Salads? Hopefully I can do a day of salad without any questions. Here's to a better tomorrow.

Laters, K

Mistakes and improvements

Well after some mistakes I've been stuck at 148 :(. Working hard to break past this and today should help quite a bit.

Today I had my diet green tea pills, lots of water, and 2 diet amps. Also decided to try out these FullBars. And they seem to work out pretty well, each one is 170 cals (which is ok), so my total today was 240 cals. So all in all calorie wise I am right on track (nicely under the 500 maximum). I was able to avoid all temptations today which felt nice and empowering.

Still waiting on everything to get rolling as far as my new job, at this point I'm just waiting on getting a bit more money so that I can finish off the Z and then put aside enough money to pay my bills for a month. Once that is all set I will being going all out, hitting the ground running as it were.

Now hopefully I will be getting that money soon as my mom's basement recently had a flood and mold and I still had stuff down there from when I was still living there. So it SEEMS I should be getting enough money for everything that I need soon (as long as mom doesn't try to take a bit more which she might and is grrrrr).

Well that seems to be all for now.

Laters, K

Bad Ana

Ugh, I've been a poor ana. Not entirely on me, though I should have been stronger. W had a frend over, and the whole time (he was here for a week) I had to eat. In front of people. Which scares the shit out of me. And nothing good, not salads and carrots and celery. NO. Fat food, sandwhiches, pasta, FAT! So, now that he's gone I can get back to my ways. My method. No to low food, lose weight. As of today I'm down to 148, good should be better. I am better all ready. Today has been 0 cal, No food, diet drinks, water. YAY! Laters, K

Fasting

So in retribution for eating at the buffet last night. Today was a fasting day. And it went perfectly.

Get over to J's house and tell them I ate at home, get home and say I ate there. Perfect. And I picked up some green tea diet pills that seem to have worked before so they shall again.

According to the scale this morning I maintained my 149 lb. And it currently states that I gained a pound, but I feel it's wrong there. I doubt I gained a pounds from water and diet soda. :/

Anyway, tomorrow is back to normal. No more than 500 Cal. Period.

Later, K

Ruined days

So today everything was going great. I'm are 149 lb, empty stomach. Had some salad and 10 carrot sticks for lunch, right on track doing great!

Then Z comes home from work and tells us he's taking us out to the Japanese buffet. Well, fuck. Fuck my day. I was planning on having MAYBE a veggie Burger with mustard (No bread) but instead get dragged to the buffet.

So I decide fuck it. Make the best of it. 1 eel nigiri, 1 salmon nigiri, 1 of those chickens on a stick, and 2 little cheese things they had. I ate what I could find the calorie count of online (the nigiri, half the chicken stick and the cheese things) which came out to around 500 Cal.

So my plan got fucked but at least I was able to not go too far out of it. Hopefully at worst I'll maintain the weight I got to today. And to make up for it I'll be fasting tomorrow which will be easy considering I won't be home all day and can easily avoid food that way. Ugh.

Other than that my day was uneventful, played some borderlands 2 with W, and stayed in my PJ's most of the day (hello Kitty fleece bottoms and a purple & black striped long sleeve shirt.... Yeah I may be a tiny bit gay :) )

Laters, K

A birthday and a funeral

So I found out my mom's birthday was on Wednesday (I'm terrible with birthdays), so we had to go out to eat for her birthday. I allowed for it figuring that I would be OK with one day's slip.

Next day was my aunt's funeral. There was a dinner after that mom said she didn't want to go to, great thought I, No eating yay. Wrong. After the funeral off we went to a diner. Ugh

Unfortunately with both I need to eat "normal" in front of my mom who has in the past accused me of being anorexic. So I ate my normal meal with her, like a normal person. Every bite killed me. I wanted to cut it into tiny pieces, I wanted to throw it away. I managed to eat half of each meal at least, and then promptly forgot to take it home with me (oops).

Weigh in today at 151. Great. I got fatter. Well make up for it with a better today right? Right.

Today:
1 can of chicken noodle soup - 220 cal
2 cups of coffee with almond milk - 60 Cal
Total: 280

Better, much better. Under 500 is great, 0 is best but Oh well. We will find out tomorrow how well it worked.

Laters, K

150

OK, so slow on the take. Had a lot going on yesterday, and I slipped a bit. Had the friends over for game night and earlier that day I ate 2 tiny slices of pizza (stripping it down to just cheese pizza to the slight bewilderment of W). That came out to ~420 cal, yikes. Then I stayed strong most of the day, until suddenly my body decided it was food time NOW. And I wound up eating a couple pizza bones from my friends pizza they ordered. So I think I wound up under 700 definitely, maybe under 600. I hate not knowing for sure. I hop on the scale this morning so it can tell me how good or bad my day will be, and I'm sitting at 150. Wow, that's a lot, but it's less than the 154 I was at two days ago. So once again, go me (self-high five). So today I MAY be going out to dinner with mom, but I'm not sure, haven't heard anything about it since she brought it up on Wednesday. So maybe, maybe not. *shrug* I am super excite about November, because I will be getting back into being a Merchant of Death (life insurance). Which is a fantastic business to be in, only reason I haven't been doing it is because my Z hasn't been up. With this I am expected to make at least 60k/year and after a while will be given my own office to run (hell yeah). And if there is one thing I have learned in this world is that two things make everything better: Thinness and Money. Laters, K

Not dead!

Hello all you lovlies, it's been a while hasn't it? Well you see I got a weird kind of sick soon after my last post. Felt like I had a frog in my throat non-stop and my throat was sore, white fuzz on tongue (gross). So my reaction was to stop all the diet pills, the chromium, even the vitamins.

Thought I had the big C, which depressed and pissed me off. Mainly because I figured if I had it then it would have to be from smoking... but I don't smoke that much, maybe a pack a day, and I haven't been smoking for very long, maybe 5 years. I know people smoking more and longer who have No problems.

Turns out I had bronchitis and thrush. So... Yeah. Very relieved to hear that. Took care of all that and then just felt crummy and blah for a while. I slipped on my diet, but managed to maintain my weight. Also found out through the course of getting sick and checking my temperature like 5 times a day that my normal temp is 97.5 yeah 1.1 lower than a regular human.

So today and last night I've just been miserably depressed, so I intensified it today by trying on old clothes. They were tight, I was almost in tears. Which of course brings us to the now.

Today I consumed 3 big cups of coffee with fake sweetener in it. Ate 10 baby carrots, and about half a bowl of salad with 45 Cal's of low fat balsamic vinegarette on it. So:

Coffee - 0 cal
10 baby carrots ~20 cal
Salad ~ 10 cal
Dressing - 45 cal
Total - 75 cal
Way to go me!

Now we keep this up forever. I need to stay under 500 Cal to be safe. Safety in certain numbers, safety in emptiness. Control my food, control my life.

Laters, K

I miscounted

I screwed up my count today. Which is infuriating because I'm normally so good at it. I went a bit over the 800 mark today, all because of a piece of bread.
Fuck bread :(

If I had the money I'd do the kekwick again but lucky me I have exactly $0 until Monday. Good thing gas is free.... Wait, no it isn't. I hate how my life is right now, no money, my beloved Z is still sitting at my mom's place just waiting to be put back together.

Once I get my Z back and get thin everything will be better. Can only go up from here right?

Laters, K

Still going

But no change yet. My weight hasn't dropped any at all. And now I'm back to cutting. My life is a mess and I've got control over nothing but my eating. I don't even have full control over my cutting. Any mistakes I make need to be paid with a 4" paring knife.

I wound up dropping a ball of crazy on my boyfriend. Told him some but not all. I know I'm fucked up, I can't leave a car or place without holding my keys. All doors need to be closed 5 times. Lights on and off five times. Everything gets counted in or by 2, 3, 5, 13, or 23.

Everything in my life is a mess, but when I lose weight I get at least a little control back... is that so wrong?

Things need to get better soon

My life is such shit right now. My dream car is sitting in my garage not running. It's not really broken but it needs to be put back together so of course everything keeps getting in the way. I'm still making shit money barely paying my bills. And of course to top it all off I'm still a pile of fat.

I gotta lose the weight if nothing else, then at least I can be poor and skinny. Seems every time I take a step forward life throws me back 2 steps. Most of the time I just want to curl up and sleep forever.

Come on life, what the fuck did I do so wrong to earn such a fucked existence? I can't even be content with anything, and to make matters worse W has his best friend over a lot who is rich, happy, and thin. His hardest decision is whether to get a Porsche or a BMW. I WISH my life was hard like that. Every time I see him it just reminds me of how shitty everything is for me.

Still doing the kekwick after that it'll be the diet, this weight needs to be gone NOW

Still 152

So I'm still at 152. Such failure, budget no more. I keep saying I'm gonna Do it and now's the time. My life is shit and I have almost no control in my life. But I can and will control my eating.

I need to get down in weight, time to drop all the fat off. Let my bones show.

I've already started back up on the kekwick diet. I'm on day 2 right now, finish this off then I'm gonna do the 2468. I'll need help I know who's up for assisting?

Day 4

So I wake up today, stomache still hurting. Onto the scale I tread and behold... the same weight I had yesterday. 159 still, seriously?! Come on body, we need to be on the same page here. We need to lose weight, period. The end.

Whatever, maintaining isn't a sin, gaining is. I can deal with this. I guess my calories yesterday were too much, so I'll shoot for lower today. Here's hoping. Also, thankfully, W hasn't noticed anything yet. Hasn't noticed my rules, my lower intake, my tiny little bites, drinking only one can of soda a day instead of 12, drinking more tea and water. I'm glad, I don't want him to catch on, or else he'll try to make me stop, most people would.

And that's why I'm here, to gain support and love from the rest of us. The ones who care deeply about our weight. The ones willing to go to any lengths to get what we need and desire. The ones who know how painful and tough it is, and yet keep going knowing how completely worth it it is.

Laters, K

Next Day

So currently I'm at 160 lb, so 4 lb gone. So far today it's been 1 can of soda (170 cal), 1 Diet Amp (10 cal), 1 Nutrigrain bar (140 cal) bringing the total to 320. I'm not proud of this, and now W wants to have dinner which is a steak filet (230 cal) and mashed potatoes (~120 cal). If I eat this I'll be at 670. On the plus side it's under 1k cal but I was hoping to stay around 400 today... Maybe I'll eat a bit of the steak and some potatoes and bring that down.

Laters, K

Back again, lets make it last

I return again... again. So far today I've had 6 pieces of sugarless gum, 1 diet Mnt Dew, and lots of water. I desperately need to drop the weight. I've been feeling disgusting and awful. As if I hated looking in mirrors before, now I avoid rooms with them if possible.

I just don't know how people can just go about their life eating all this food and being fine with it, or even weirder: happy about it. It's like "Man this deep fried bacon mayonaise blob is DELISH!" says Mr. 300 pound lardass. Seriously what is up with these people?! Eating this shit, forcing it into their face non stop... and then THEY COMPLAIN ABOUT THEIR WEIGHT!

Here's some ideas: put down the mayo, walk further than the distance between your couch and the fridge, bike swim run (or lumber whatev), fucking DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Stop bitching that you can't lose weight when you don't even try.

Here I am suffering with my weight, so I eat nothing, drink water and diet stuff, take the stairs everywhere, run swim bike... god damn it this nation of grease and fat disgusts me.

FWA day 3

Last two days of Kekwick were successful. I'll have some left over macadamia nuts after today so I think I might continue it tomorrow as well, tho I think I may just go to restricting instead. Veggie burgers, celery, the restriction can definately happen.
So I can't remember what I was before I started this but I know I lost 3 lb between yesterday and today... so at least it's a start.

FWA day 2

OK so im on the second day of kekwick in prep for FWA. So far so good, no deviation nothing but kekwick and diet green tea or diet energy drinks. I'm hoping the diet drinks don't screw up my diet at all. W doesn't see how doing kekwick can drop weight at all saying that sitting around doing art and eating nuts doesn't make sense, which is true... it doesn't make sense that it works but I know that it does. Hopefully I can drop the weight I need to with this, then it'll be on to strict restriction.

We have veggie burgers, and one patty is like 100 cal so I'm thinking that after this diet I can either just restrict or do 2-4-6-8, that should help out... maybe start running as well. Anything to lose weight