Wednesday, October 14, 2009

a good day

Today went pretty well. A friend who's been away for a long time came back home today, which was really great news, tomorrow I'll be hanging out with him for most of the night. It's been forever since we got to hang out and just chill, so it'll be a good change of pace from the usual for me around here.

As far as food goes today: I mostly just had diet drinks or coffee or water. The bit of food I did have was a small salad, out of which I nibbled on a few pieces of lettuce and carrot slices. So it turned out to be well under 100 cal. I almost lost it tonight at home, I got hungry all of a sudden and started going through the kitchen for food, but I managed to get myself under control. I'm not gonna give up my goals so easy anymore, I won't be able to lose the weight if I give in to eating at every turn. So I just need to stay strong and keep up my diet.

Food will prolly be part of tomorrow at some point, but I just need to avoid the eating as much as possible or just go with like a small salad or something. Though I realize I might wind up eating more, but then again every once in a while it's good to eat a bit more than usual to get my metabolism back up, I'm sure that after a couple days of under 100 cal my body could use a quick boost. Ah well, hopefully I won't have to worry about it at all. Just gotta keep looking ahead, gotta lose the weight to look good at the concert.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

A goal

Well turns out I now have a goal, sort of. It's always best if I have a goal, and the current goal is lose as much weight by the 22nd. One of my favorite musicians is playing for the first time nearby and me and a bunch of friends are gonna go see him, so I need to lose as much weight as possible.

Today was ok as far as food and diet go. I was gonna do a complete 0 cal day, but J decided to make us some dinner, Veal Parm. Being the vegetarian that I am I had no veal, and only a bite of the mashed potatoes and a few baby carrots. All in all I had under 100 cal, which though it's not 0 cal, it's at least a good restriction.

I feel that unless more food surprises pop up I'll be able to go the full way toward my goal for the 22nd. I also download a couple pro-ana songs, my favorites being Paper Bag, Big Isn't Beautiful, She's Falling Apart, Anorexic Beauty, and 4st 7lb. I've been listening to them a lot lately, and whenever the temptation of food comes up I start thinking of the lyrics of them, so far it's helped.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

update and more

So first off, sorry for now posting since my trip to NYC (fun and a disaster all at once). Anyway, I've been doing terribly, almost everyday I wind up eating way too much... but oddly the scale tells me I haven't gotten as bad as I feel I have. Currently at 135. Moderately confused too.

Today I had to go to a pizza place with friends. Had to get two slices of plain, it was all I had today, I wanted nothing but my friend D insisted (he was paying for everyone). Three of them (D, B, and J) had this 4-cheese pizza, it was a heart attack in the shape of a pizza. I was nauseous just looking at it, all I could see were the calories.

Well let's call what I did in my eating up to now a short break... it wasn't since I hated it every minute, and my arm and thigh are now covered in cuts... and of course more will be there by bed-time... if I even get to sleep, insomnia has been really bad lately. Then again, at least when I get insomnia I'm always up and doing stuff so at least I'm burning a bit more right?

As for the 'more' part of the post I decided to write down my own personal Thin Commandments. My rules to live by. Numbered but not in order of importance, they're all equally important, just by whichever comes to mind first.

1. Don't talk about Ana to anyone who knows you. You're fine, the voice is helping.
2. Thou shalt not eat meat.
3. Thou shalt not purge, if you eat too much deal with you're mistake. You'll hate yourself and motivate yourself more.
4. Thou shalt not eat after 7pm.
5. Thy scale is the Lord. It will tell you how you feel today.
6. Be careful with exercise. Aim for thin not muscled. But if you exercise do it till you drop. Then get up and do more.
7. Don't eat unless you have no way out. If you have no way out eat less.
8. Avoid mirrors, they only show you your flaws.
9. Never give up, it's never too late.
10. Wear baggy clothes, they hide your terrible body.