Monday, September 21, 2009

back on track

Magnesium Citrate... my own little magic potion. I had too much food this weekend, I was a bit desperate and know what works. I downed the whole bottle with plenty of water... and then the rest was up to my body and science. Now that the weekend is over I can get myself back on track, I started today.

While working with BR we went to Subway. I ordered a turkey sub, no cheese, no dressing, plenty of odd looks (so what if I wanna lose weight and eat non-fatty stuff), I nibbled a bit on it as well as a Baked potato chip. The only problem arose when BR asked me if I was done, he noticed saying that it looked like I only took two bites out of my sub. So while he was looking away I tore most of it off and threw it away. There... now it looks like I ate... happy?

Later on my mom decided to make some meatloaf, I was able to dodge around all night to avoid it (thankfully we aren't a sit at the table kinda family, especially with J living here). Only once did J mention that we should get food, thankfully I was able to dodge that just fine. The worst part came while I was in the living room watching House, aparently my sister and another live-in TO decided to bake cookies. TO walked in and handed me a cookie... and there I sat holding it, shaking a bit. I wanted so bad to just eat it, and yet I was terrified to. After half and hour of watching House holding the cookie (breaking it into little pieces in case I gave in and ate it) I threw it in the garbage and walked out for a cigarette... I felt terrified and angry at the cookie... kinda felt stupid for being so angry at a cookie.

I probably wasn't angry at the cookie, just the idea of eating and getting fatter and fatter... especially after my mom said that my face was looking less drawn out and sick, that I looked healthier, which she immediately followed by saying that I didn't look big at all just healthy... If only she knew that to me healthy IS fat. I don't care about being healthy, hell I don't wanna grow old and wrinkly and grey anyway... I just wanna be thin, perfect, small... is it so wrong to aim for this?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It is wrong, since it has a very good chance of killing you. But at the same time, it's not... Oh fuck it. Just ignore everything I said.

Good job. <3
Sorry, but that kind of made me giggle when you said you were mad at a cookie. >.< I know what you mean though.