It's an odd sort of thing in America right now. Myself along with who knows how many other guys are out there doing our damnedest to be thin and small, tiny. Petite. Yet the ideal image of the male figure seems to be this lean muscular figure, all tone and perfect posturing. Like some kind of greek statue.
So in a way the feeling we male anorexics have is against the idea, and yet in our minds it's this version of perfection that we strive so hard for. And it seems to be catching on in a way too. I've noticed that more and more the ideal male is going more toward the androgynous thin guys, so I guess if we manage to hit our perfection it'll one day mesh up quite nicely with the view of our society.
We look around and are still bogged down with the doubts and feelings of our female anorexic counterparts. There is that person thinner than me? Are they starving too? Why do they look happier than I could ever hope to be? Maybe it's some kind of elaborate act, convincing everyone around them that they just happen to have some insane metabolism, but do they actually eat? I dunno.
Most times I look at the thin people around me and an intense pange of jealousy drives through me, and I think to myself "Dammit get ahold of yourself. Your vice has to be Pride not Jealousy, don't envy them, beat them. Be better and thinner. And then by damn it flaunt it. One day you'll be able to flaunt it. Look how thin I am! Look at this model of perfection walking beside you. How can you bear to not envy this body?"
Of course that's the lie going on in my head. The voice I hear instead is much different. "Are you actually thinking of eating? Didn't you figure this out yet? Don't eat. It's just that simple. Stop the food from entering your mouth, say no thanks when offered some food. Aren't you strong enough? Don't you have enough willpower? I guess you aren't worth it are you?"
The voice echoing around yelling at me for my flaws. Which apparently I need since I guess I don't bring them up enough for myself. Maybe I need that little voice to push me. But god I wish I didn't wind up crying most nights from it.