Wednesday, January 27, 2010

0 cal

Today went well, fixed my screw up not so much yesterday but today definately. Yesterday I went most of the day with diet drinks and no food until dinner when I had to eat veal (ugh not just meat but baby cow). And somehow I lost a pound from that, not sure how but no complaint here.

Today I was able to go through the day on diet coke, diet amp, cigarettes, and headache pills. I'm hoping that with this I see a bit of change in my weight. I made a promise today to a friend that I woudn't cut, and since I cut in response to eating that means tonight no new slices will be going on my arm or leg.

I also took a few assessment tests yesterday and it turns out that according to them I either have or am at great risk of having an eating disorder, OCD, and anxiety... Go figure, kinda par for the course.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Screw up

So here I am doing pretty decently, managed to lose a few pounds doing better with my eating and all. But apparently I'm incapable of keeping this up for any realamount of time as displayed today in my inability to get away from eating Chinese dinner tonight. I should have said I already ate, but D was with me all day and might have called me out on it. Conversely I could have eaten a bite or two and said I would eat the rest later.

But no not me. Instead I dug in like a pig and gave in to my hunger like a fatass. I managed to stop myself about half way through it but I still ate too much. Which makes sense since I'm a fatass weak minded loser. And then I started think "fuck! I should purge!"

Now I've never been able to purge I just can't manage to get myself too, probably a good thing too since I know it's a slippery slope. And I didn't purge since as just stated I can't manage to make myself do it. Ugh...

Speaking of D, on Saturday we did a... Lethal level of drinking, which is just fine by me since for some reason alchohol makes me lose weight. However, while absurdly drunk I decided it would be a great idea (read as terrible idea) to break down in front of D and tell him about my eating problems and show him the cuts on my leg.

Today he said we should get a bite to eat and made it a point to tell me I could get as little as i want or nothing. So good side: he's not trying to stop me. Bad side: he now knows what I'm doing and I feel aweful having him see me in this new light. Awful enough to stop? No. But still awful, and I'm not sure how that itself makes me feel. Am I really so deep into this that I'm willing to put a friend through this? Apparently yes, because I'm a terrible friend and person.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Last night tonight Tada

Last night I was forced into pizza eating, I had way too much ... Just gave in. Today tho I've stayed strong avoiding all eating and existing on cigarettes, coffee, and headache pills. Fun stuff.

Tonight J is making stirfry which I should be able to get a bowl of and hide off to the side. I WILL stay strong, no options.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Lost weight

Yesterday ended shaky but good, a bunch of us went to see avatar, I manages to get through the whole experience with only diet soda so that went well even though the whole night was filled with temptation left and right but I managed to stay strong through it all.

Before bed I weighed in at 141 and this morning it changed to 140 so clearly I'm losing weight though I don't feel any thinner. Today should be fine except I don't see a way out of meatloaf for dinner tonight so I'll aim for smaller portion. Gah I hate not being able to get away from eating.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Better day

So far today has been diet soda and one slice of pizza that I couldn't avoid, otherwise I've been cleaning, chatting, smoking, and avoiding food at all costs. My scale told me I lost some weight but scales are terrible dirty liars and as much as I rely on it to tell me if I'll have a good or bad day I hate it intensely.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

End of day

So I make it all through the day, no food low cal drinks and then J decides he's taking me out for Chinese. FUCK!!!

So I had to eat a plate and a half though I went with food that I knew would fill me up and drank plenty of diet coke. Still I hate these situations that I can't get out of with eating, fuxk can't I have say over at least THIS part of my life?!

The whole time I was considering purging but I couldn't bring myself to, mostly because someone would hear me. Tomorrow should be better, if we go out to eat it'll be small salads an diet soda for me, only problem is dinner not ire what to do about that. I need to find a way to get away from dinner or at least hide my food which I never did before (alway ran away from dinner when possible until my car went down tho that shouldn't be a problem for long).

Doing good so far

So far today I've gone with diet soda, 3 cups of coffee with sweetener in it and one cup of starbucks skinny cinammon dolce latte. I'm doing good so far I just need to keep this up Friday I plan on meeting up with W and I need to look my best.

Saturday, January 16, 2010


Today has gone well I've gone all day on one salad and two diet amps, also plenty of cigarettes. I'm tired of feeling like I'm living in a fat suit, I feel so disgusting and hate myself more than ever. I need to stop slacking and follow my vegetarian diet much closer. What I need is a buddy to help me stay on track even though admitedly I hate asking for help, but I clearly need the help now if I ever plan to get thin.

Saturday, January 9, 2010


So apparently I'm strong enough to go all day without food, and nothing except coffee, diet energy drinks, and cigarettes... and then we went to B's and I had to eat chinese food, I didn't have much but I hate myself for it. What I need to do is get back onto the Kekwick for the full three days of it, only problem is friends and family and having to eat dinner here. It'll be a lot easier when my car is back up on the road. Then I can just head out whenever I want and either drive around randomly or go over to W's... that'll be interesting since it's been a while since I last saw him, and I just KNOW that I gained weight and look all ugly and fat... ugh... FML...

Thursday, January 7, 2010


whoo tank girl, and we gotted tanked, whee. I hate my fucking life, ugly, fat, ah well a bit of drinking helps calm the edges, now I gotta draw. Maybe one day I won't be fat, god I hate this. Here I am online because I can't even consider conferring to my close friends of all that's fucked up in my life. I get the impression that my friends think I'm egotistical and confident, ambitious, well adjusted... ish. Instead I hate myself and wish I could trade bodies with someone else like EVERY DAY!!! gah, is that fucked up??? I think it's fucked up, can't even be compfy in my own body, my own brain, my own twisted LIFE!!! FUCK IT, I'm stumbling over to the couch to draw, play video games, watch TV, and DRINK!!! No order, all at once.... MAYBE?!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

steps forward and back

Why does it always seem like every time I make a malenky bit of progress I get my gulliver beat in and I drop back a bit?! Did pretty good today, lot of time on Wii Fit, nothing but cigarettes and coffee through the day. Then I get stuck having fishsticks and homefries for dinner, no way out either. I fucking hate it. I feel like everything I do just isn't worth it, isn't making a difference... I gotta keep trying though, I will reach my goals.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Fear and loathing of weight

Sorry I almost never post, mostly because I don't feel like it's worth it unless I actually accomplish something instead of failing non-stop. Also I've decided to set up a Twitter account, I feel if i'm sending up info nonstop I'll be more able to keep on track.

Last night was good and bad, the good is that J picked up wii fit plus, the great thing about is that you can set up routines to target specific aspects. So I'm working on hips, tummy, and lots of fat burning routines. The bad was later on as I was going to bed and was up most of the night thinking of how much I hate my body and weight and how ugly I am. I hate feeling like this but maybe these thoughts will also help motivate me.

Well anyway if anyone is interested my Twitter is check it out if you wish.