FWA day 2

OK so im on the second day of kekwick in prep for FWA. So far so good, no deviation nothing but kekwick and diet green tea or diet energy drinks. I'm hoping the diet drinks don't screw up my diet at all. W doesn't see how doing kekwick can drop weight at all saying that sitting around doing art and eating nuts doesn't make sense, which is true... it doesn't make sense that it works but I know that it does. Hopefully I can drop the weight I need to with this, then it'll be on to strict restriction.

We have veggie burgers, and one patty is like 100 cal so I'm thinking that after this diet I can either just restrict or do 2-4-6-8, that should help out... maybe start running as well. Anything to lose weight

FWA

Stress. That seems to be the key for me the most. I'm currently working on coloring a comic due out by March 10th. Add on to that I have no money but need to spend an additional 364 to finish up licensing for my new job. So I'm mega stressed out right now.

And that kicked my drive for weightloss into high gear. I need to get thin by March 17th, that's when we go to the convention to sell the comic. I'm on kekwick right now, just finished day 1. W is kinda supportive but he doesn't see my need for weightloss. Worse is that DW is sort of on to me.

When I first brought up about my previous weight loss she asked if I starved.. and I hesitated. Then when Z jokingly said about the pointer finger being Mr. Pukey she scolded him saying I already look anorexic. But I don't look anorexic I look fat. I wish I could see what other people see. Also a couple days ago Bu was mentioning a car, a Lotus, and said that Z could slide right in and I MIGHT be able to get in. I hated him so much for saying that.

No more food, no more lounging. I need the weight to go, I can't have this anymore. I hate it so much. But now I'm stressed and depressed. I didn't think I would be depressed with W around but I am. So here we go, lose it all by March 10.

Terrible

Well things are going great and awful at the same time, which is the norm now for me. On the plus side I'm happily with W, have a well paying job, and I'm about to move in with W, and I'm about to have both my cars (1997 Eagle Talon & 1971 Datsun 240Z) up and ready to go... On the down side I've gained weight. The downside is about equal to all the good I've gotten so far. I've done a bit of test questions with W and sorta see if he's alright with me losing weight, so far he hasn't said anything to stop me just stuff like 'Lose what?' and 'There's nothing there to lose'. But I recently saw some pictures he took of me one night and I look just TERRIBLE!

So I need to drop at least 20 Lb. I'm looking for the perfect time to do the Kekwick diet to jump start myself into metabolism city. I'm thinking that since I'm over at his place on tuesday night into wednesday I can't do it then. And I don't work thursdays or sundays... so maybe if I do it friday, saturday, and sunday I'll be good. I can pull that off no problem, 3 days of Kekwick and I should lbe down at least 6 lb... I'll need some support tho, so let those comments roll in, I'll be able to reply now that I'm all set up at the dealership.

Also I need to get myself a new red bracelet... something physical to keep me going...

Blech

Yep, I know I haven't been on by bliggity-blog or my witty-twitter for a while. Mostly been out of it and lots going on at the home. All in all things are going a mix of good and awful around here, but not gonna get into that at the moment, maybe will after all the dust has cleared. Mostly I've been upset with myself, having a day or two that I eat little or nothing, and then pigging out... my weight hasn't changed through it all which is bewildering and infuriating.

Thankfully today I'm here at the college so I will be able to go it all without the use of food, helped out by a delightfully creepy energy drink I found. It's called Blood Energy potion and it's actually in a blood bag like you would use on an IV drip. 25 calories (which is more than my usual 0 from diet stuff), but it's all vitamins and stuff... and 55% of the Iron a person gets from a "normal" 2K calorie diet (frightening), what that means for me is that I'll actually start getting some ot the stuff I know I should be getting to help with my weight-loss... I'm always just too damn lazy to actually take vitamins regularly... Eh, well I should be posting more so hop back and view what I've been up to with my miserable life.

TANK GIRL

whoo tank girl, and we gotted tanked, whee. I hate my fucking life, ugly, fat, ah well a bit of drinking helps calm the edges, now I gotta draw. Maybe one day I won't be fat, god I hate this. Here I am online because I can't even consider conferring to my close friends of all that's fucked up in my life. I get the impression that my friends think I'm egotistical and confident, ambitious, well adjusted... ish. Instead I hate myself and wish I could trade bodies with someone else like EVERY DAY!!! gah, is that fucked up??? I think it's fucked up, can't even be compfy in my own body, my own brain, my own twisted LIFE!!! FUCK IT, I'm stumbling over to the couch to draw, play video games, watch TV, and DRINK!!! No order, all at once.... MAYBE?!

Survey +

So Mango sent me this to do a while ago, but I was .... well completely out of it for a while there. Anyway:

Here are the rules:
1. You can only use one word!
2. Pass this along to your favorite bloggers.
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Survey

1. Where is your cell phone?
Pocket
2. Your hair?
Green
3. Your mother?
Depressed
4. Your father?
Away
5. Your favorite food?
Lettuce
6. Your dream last night?
Friends
7. Your favorite drink?
Coffee
8. Your dream/goal?
Perfection
9. What room are you in?
Basement
10. Your hobby?
Art
11. Your fear?
Obesity
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years?
NewYork
13. Where were you last night?
Bedroom
14. Something that you aren’t?
Good
15. Muffins?
Nope
16. Wish list item?
Book
18. Last thing you did?
Draw
19. What are you wearing?
Black
20. Your TV?
Sansui
21. Your pets?
Four
22. Friends?
Close
23. Your life?
Pathetic
24. Your mood?
Ambitious
25. Missing someone?
No
26. Vehicle?
Talon
27. Something you’re not wearing?
Shoes
28. Your favorite store?
Border's
29. Your favorite color?
Black
30. When was the last time you laughed?
Yesterday
31. Last time you cried?
Today
32. Your best friend?
JM
33. One place that I go to over and over?
JM's
34. One person who e-mails me regularly?
Noone
35. Favorite place to eat?
Starbucks

A few things there were the same as Mango actually, heh. Ah well maybe I just couldn't think of anything myself.

Anyway, I was out of it because I got stuck into eating WAY too much lately. I was getting pain on my right side near the front. I dunno what it is, it's still there even though my guess was because of not eating... which is one of the reasons I forced myself to eat more. But the pain is still there, so fuck it.

I watched Thin last night and that triggered me quite a bit back into wanting a perfect body. So yesterday I wasn't able to perfectly starve, but only had like half of a grilled chicken sandwhich from Sheetz.

Currently working on the images for a website... which is really good since we've had the site for a little while now and still haven't gotten the site actually up and running (currently there is only an image with promises of a website to come). So back I got to the images, I'm an insomniac with a site to build.

train of thought

Scale, by the bed, under the cover. Lord of my mind, my life. It rules over me, taking away the freedom I wish for so much but yet I feel comforted by it's absolute law. The numbers it gives me are the truth, that which I must obey, like a teisted golf score. The lower score wins, higher score gets me scorn...

Mirrors, face away from the mirrors, no window to the soul... only a gaze at the flaws. That which must change, that needs to change. Thinner thinner thinner... lose it all... fade away...

Knife, by the bed, an arm's length away. Enforcer of the rule of Lord Scale. The punisher of my sins. Slice, a pound. Slice, a hundred calories. Slice away, the pain is the punishment that I deserve...

Clothes, the mockery of myself. Baggy pants, loose shirt, long sleeves. Hide the shame. Hide the body. Hide the scars.

Smiles, jokes, laughs... Mask, lies, acts... hide the truth, hide the tears, hide the hate...

Rub my hands, the obsession grows. Do they know? Do they suspect? Do they see through the acts?

Will they try to stop me?

Can I allow myself to let them try?

I decided to actually put up a few pics for others to see, just the face and hair. Both of which look insanely awful. The purple have faded, viciously so. But when it's gone I'm going to super-bleach and do it again. With hopefully much better results.

So of course...

my fast turned into more a restrict. But I guess I'll just have to deal with that. At least I didn't go overboard at all, and I can fast tomorrow (which should be easier anyway since I was hanging out with a lot of people over this weekend). I'm kinda enjoying the purple hair but next time I'm gonna bleach first instead of just going with my blonde (which the purple super darkened).

Brave New World

I've been feeling pretty down lately, and decided to brighten myself up with a change in appearance that is faster than what I'm aiming for. Hair color. My hair has now gone from dark blonde at the top shifting into bright blonde at the bottom to Dark Violet at the top shifting to lighter violet at the bottom. Overall I enjoy the change quite a bit (though I woulda preferred it being a bit lighter and more pure violet than the blue-violet it came out).

Unfortunately I definately needed the pick me up after eating some chinese today, though it was really the only eating I did the whole day, even then I wasn't able to eat much at all. Later I had some Rockstar Coffee drinks, which at the very least, kind of ... emptied me out... So I consider that kind of a plus. I've decided that the next two days will be fasting, nothing but diet coke and water. More water than diet coke since the fake-sugar will make my body crave real sugar more, and water will just fill up the stomache with no cal no sweeteners.

126

Weighed myself in before class today and it seems I'm down a bit more to 126. I guess that's pretty good but it's not nearly enough. Currently in web design, a class I'm afraid I will fail. Hopefully I can convince the teacher to show me how to build this site that needs to be built and turn it in today. If I can do that and get my next one in I should be able to skim by.

It's hard to describe how upset I am that the last two semesters I was Dean's List and now I'm HOPING to pass my courses.

Pretty good

Fast went pretty good today. The only thing I THINK might be a slip up, is a Starbucks coffee I had... but no food. And only that so I see today as being a pretty successful day of fasting. Now to continue this tomorrow and friday. After all hunger hurts, but starving works...

Going strong

Currently working on my fast... which is really more of my own "Diet Coke and Cigarettes Diet." And so far I'm going strong, no slips, no bumps. I should be able to keep this up for another two days after this as well. As long as I can avoid home and family dinners I should be good.

Dinner

Last night I got stuck at home, something I try to avoid like the plague. The reason I try to avoid being home around 6pm is because of family dinner. Usually I'm able to be off somewhere else doing something, anything, else but not last night. Got stuck there with the family eating dinner. Only plus side is that my weight didn't go crazy high, but still 1 Lb is way too much. I'm going back onto a fast, no breaks, no slips, I'm running out of room to mark mistakes anyway.

Going good

Things today are going pretty good thus far, I find it interesting that when I choose to restrict for a day I wind up usually eating way less than I planned if anything at all. I manage to spend most of the day planning out exactly what to eat so much that I just wind up not getting the chance to actually go and get the food.

So far today I've had a 100 cal low-fat yogurt and some diet soda. The unfortunate thing is that I seem to be getting more and more irritable lately, may just be the stress or the eating habits, not exactly sure.

A bit better

Woke up today and re-weighed myself to see that the gain I had seen last night was actually not actually any gain. Instead somehow I just managed to maintain my weight instead. So all in all that was pretty good I guess.

Sitting in class right now, and just found out that I have 2 days to do one website and then 3 more days after that to do a second. Using CSS which I haven't worked with at all because I wasn't able to be here the days we were learning it. So it's basically my fault, now I just need to find a way to save my ass in this class.

crash

Today ended in a terrible crash. According to my scalle I'm somehow up 3 Lb. Not totally buying into that but I definately feel like I'm a fatass. Keeping with the current plan would make tomorrow a normal day of restricting. I think I will go with that.

I feel that the current extreme levels of stress going on around me are a part of what's causing me to fail so much, hopefully once the semester ends I'll be able to keep on track more. Though on the plus side I have a feeling that tomorrow morning the scale will read me as a bit lighter... but not enough.

fasting and stress

Fast yesterday went pretty well until a slight bump at the end. But today is going much better. Woke with a headache... again, but thanks to some Diclofenac it eased up a bit. Also couldn't get online at all for some odd reason last night, thus the no-post. At elast the filming went well... if you can ignore the blistering COLD... which I couldn't.

Now I'm just stressing out about classes that aren't going too well and money that I don't have yet need (that is if I plan on continuing my college studies and also plan on driving ANYWHERE). Once my weight starts going down more I'm sure these things will somehow clear up. I dunno maybe it's an odd way to think.

At least tonight I get to chill with friends and watch more Supernatural, and then at 9 hopefully get some Heroes in.

sunday

So far this fast is going fairly well. Woke up late and had to rush through the snow to get to work, that was fun. Nothing like being 30 minutes late to start up your day. I couldn't wait for that first cigarette break. I didn't feel any craving for the cigarette itself, but rather was looking forward to the appetite suppression of it. And it helped, quite a bit.

Now I've got to head over to a friend's place to do some filming for a web sitcom that they run. Today I play a ninja. But after this role is done I'm going to be given a consistent character rather than a small story one. I kinda look forward to that.

...

Yeah I don't even wanna talk too much about the food today. The only thing that kept me relatively sane today was the fact that I knew ahead of time that today I would be eating. So I'm gonna fast tomorrow and monday till wednesday will be heavy restricting. I just gotta get my weight down. It's the only thing that really matters. The thing that really sucks is that I'm more concerned with my weight and what I eat than I am with my school work... and it's starting to show big time. Well that's also due to all the crazy right now. Next semester will be better. Both grade and food wise.