Monday, January 30, 2012
Yesterday for some reason I just felt so... lonely. Out of nowhere, no friends over, nobody around, nothing to do... just bleh. I just looked forward to going to bed the whole day... mostly to see if I had lost weight the next day. And there it is, it's taking over my life and brain once again. No complaints.
I'm all the way back, no more fuck ups, the lies return. Oh I ate already, no I'm not hungry, I don't feel well, etc etc etc... And once again my grumbling gurgling churning stomache is the only sound to prove me wrong. If anyone listened for it. I haven't lost enough yet for anyone to take notice and worry, so that's working out for me.
And now I need to go say no to chicken nuggets and every condiment ever.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
I'm once again amused by the fact that even when I plan things it tends to not follow through in a better way. Case in point: today I planned on eating 3 yogurts at 100 cal each, but wound up eating one.
I will continue this for tomorrow as well, set the goal for 300 and probably end up lower.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
This mornings weigh in showed 153. Due to this I let myself have a slice of pizza and a regular soda. Great thing was with chewing 42 times for each bite and drinking after each I was very full from that one slice. Then came the regret, but I knew I had to eat something to keep my metabolism going.
Tomorrow I will have up to three yogurts which will be between 100 and 300 cal total. Seems I'm finally back to my total ana mental state, thankfully. Now to drop the weight faster.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Another 0 cals. Once again tempted by friends and food. This time friends at my place and pizza was ordered. Smelled great, looked horrifying. I came close to giving in, but I was able to persevere thanks in part to my happiness of being able to say no, stick to it, and then feel better because everyone else had to eat.
I get a bit annoyed when someone hasn't eaten in more than two hours and all I hear is how they are "starving". Like they even know what its like to be starving, do they understand how your stomache feels after days without food. Nothing filling it except diet soda, water, and coffee. No. No they don't, and they won't.
They don't have the resolve to go without food. To set rules and live up to them. Simple rules really, demanding true... But simple.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Had a great day. 0 cal though it was close at the end. Wound up going to a diner with some friends, but thankfully I was able to get away with just two cups of coffee. Love the taste of nothing more than anything. So I still have no car to drive, work is slow so I'm broke, but if I keep this up at least I can be thin.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Today was a failure. Not too bad at first but I have a problem of avalanching. So addressing some chicken nuggets earlier, I just had a bagel with cream cheese. I used to be so good at saying no, I need to get back to that. Stop fucking up K, you need to be thin. Your life will be better if July can only be thin.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
So Friday and Saturday were complete failures. I binged. Three slices of pizza, a cheeseburger, and a bagels with cream cheese. Now I'm back up to 159.
I hated myself for it. But I won't let that stop me, now ill just have to go harder. I'm going 0 cal today and tomorrow. Gotta get back on track.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
So because of my fuck up yesterday, I've maintained my weight, no loss no gain. To make up for it I got two cases of diet soda for tasty drinks and 5 100 cal yogurts.
So far today:
2 cans of Pepsi max 0 cal
1 yogurt cup 100 cal
Ok there ya go body. Less cals now lose some Damn weight. I'm tired of being a fat fuck.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Good then bad today. The good was having one can of soda for most of today. The bad was dinner with friends, burritos. Now it was a vegan burrito (tofu, pea pods, carrots, and rice) bit I don't know the cal count on it... I wish I could purge then is be fine... I keep telling myself that one slip isn't the end of the world. But it feels like it is.
So here's the count:
1 soda 170
1 burrito ??? I'm thinking around 500 cal, I hope so anyway.
Also at one point I weighed myself again and it was 157. I was almost happy that I was almost 10 down... Now that's gonna skyrocket right back up....
Whatever, maintaining isn't a sin, gaining is. I can deal with this. I guess my calories yesterday were too much, so I'll shoot for lower today. Here's hoping. Also, thankfully, W hasn't noticed anything yet. Hasn't noticed my rules, my lower intake, my tiny little bites, drinking only one can of soda a day instead of 12, drinking more tea and water. I'm glad, I don't want him to catch on, or else he'll try to make me stop, most people would.
And that's why I'm here, to gain support and love from the rest of us. The ones who care deeply about our weight. The ones willing to go to any lengths to get what we need and desire. The ones who know how painful and tough it is, and yet keep going knowing how completely worth it it is.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
At my morning weigh in I was at 159, down by 1. Which is good, at least it was some down and not up. I've been feeling the delicious pain I love all day.
1 can of soda 170
5 chicken nuggets 230
with 3 tsp of honey mustard 15
And now its thankfully after 7pm so no more eating.
My stomachs hurts a lot, but I love that so much.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Happy new year everyone. I'm back this time for keeps. I need to post it all good and bad, success and failure, UPS and downs. So I may as well start with the big failure.
Current weight 164.
Yep you read that right, I'm a fatass and can't stand it anymore. So I had a good start today. I got green tea diet pills, three down today. A big cup of green tea, and one soda (150 cal). No food no solids. Now to keep it up.
And to be honest I could use some support. My life isn't going to great right now, if I get thin I know that'll change. So any help any support and you get all my love.