Friday, July 24, 2009

train of thought

Scale, by the bed, under the cover. Lord of my mind, my life. It rules over me, taking away the freedom I wish for so much but yet I feel comforted by it's absolute law. The numbers it gives me are the truth, that which I must obey, like a teisted golf score. The lower score wins, higher score gets me scorn...

Mirrors, face away from the mirrors, no window to the soul... only a gaze at the flaws. That which must change, that needs to change. Thinner thinner thinner... lose it all... fade away...

Knife, by the bed, an arm's length away. Enforcer of the rule of Lord Scale. The punisher of my sins. Slice, a pound. Slice, a hundred calories. Slice away, the pain is the punishment that I deserve...

Clothes, the mockery of myself. Baggy pants, loose shirt, long sleeves. Hide the shame. Hide the body. Hide the scars.

Smiles, jokes, laughs... Mask, lies, acts... hide the truth, hide the tears, hide the hate...

Rub my hands, the obsession grows. Do they know? Do they suspect? Do they see through the acts?

Will they try to stop me?

Can I allow myself to let them try?

3 comments:

theamazingmango said...

Wow. That was... intense. It sounds painful, confusing. But then, isn't that what eating disorders are?

Glad to see your still alive though. I was getting worried.

Please take care of yourself...

~Mango

Willow said...

That's poetic. Rhythmic and true. An art form. "Starving Artist" is right.

I know it doesn't count for much, and probably doesn't make a whole lot of difference to you, but I'd like to let you know that you're not alone.
I have an idea of what you're going though, while my experiences aren't exactly the same.
Mirrors and scales are my addiction, a replacement for cutting. Cutting was never a punishment for me. It was my drug. When that was forced away I turned to scales and appearance. Sometimes I long for the knife...but I weigh myself instead. It hurts more.

I hope one day you wont need either. Until then, you're not the only one addicted to this crap.

-Willow

Ana's Girl said...

A beautiful train of thought. Intense, tough, everything i feel every day. Good luck. Stay strong.