The Return

I've been gone for a while. I wish I could say it's because I got cured, life got better, things have been great and never better. Of course that would be a lie. I've been through a lot.

I ended my relationship with W after three years. There were a bunch of reasons but essentially it all boiled down to one thing. W was abusive. He never hit me or raped me, so I'm thankful for that, but mentally, verbally, emotionally, and physically through intimidation and shows of violence around the apartment. It wasn't good, and it kept getting worse and worse.

Then one week he went on vacation with some friends, I wasn't allowed to go, and I spent time online and wound up meeting G. We met in person soon after meeting online. I had only been looking for a friend but I found more.

It was G who helped me end the relationship indirectly. And now we're together and living in Philadelphia.

Am I happy? I don't think I've ever been really happy, but I do have times where I do feel happy, even if it's only for a fleeting moment before it gets washed away by a wave of negativity from my mind.

Am I thin? No. I gained weight during my relationship with W and I wasn't able to get into the mindset to lose that weight.

As it usually goes with me, I'm back to needing to lose weight. I hate my body and I still feel hollow. I always feel hollow. Most of the time I do my best to hide how awful I feel with jokes and smiles, but under it all I still feel empty, listless, worthless... The melancholy of life. Well my life anyway.

There's plenty more to tell and I'll be keeping track of my eating, as per usual. G and I decided to go vegetarian. I put up a fight against it. I think because it's a means to my ends and I'm afraid of just using this like I use everything else. Fuck I'm a terrible person, but maybe I can be a thin terrible person. Then at least I won't feel like crying every time I look in a mirror. Hopefully, I'll just feel like crying sometimes. What can I say, I'm just a silver lining kinda person.

-K

The Return

I've been gone for a while. I wish I could say it's because I got cured, life got better, things have been great and never better. Of course that would be a lie. I've been through a lot.

I ended my relationship with W after three years. There were a bunch of reasons but essentially it all boiled down to one thing. W was abusive. He never hit me or raped me, so I'm thankful for that, but mentally, verbally, emotionally, and physically through intimidation and shows of violence around the apartment. It wasn't good, and it kept getting worse and worse.

Then one week he went on vacation with some friends, I wasn't allowed to go, and I spent time online and wound up meeting G. We met in person soon after meeting online. I had only been looking for a friend but I found more.

It was G who helped me end the relationship indirectly. And now we're together and living in Philadelphia.

Am I happy? I don't think I've ever been really happy, but I do have times where I do feel happy, even if it's only for a fleeting moment before it gets washed away by a wave of negativity from my mind.

Am I thin? No. I gained weight during my relationship with W and I wasn't able to get into the mindset to lose that weight.

As it usually goes with me, I'm back to needing to lose weight. I hate my body and I still feel hollow. I always feel hollow. Most of the time I do my best to hide how awful I feel with jokes and smiles, but under it all I still feel empty, listless, worthless... The melancholy of life. Well my life anyway.

There's plenty more to tell and I'll be keeping track of my eating, as per usual. G and I decided to go vegetarian. I put up a fight against it. I think because it's a means to my ends and I'm afraid of just using this like I use everything else. Fuck I'm a terrible person, but maybe I can be a thin terrible person. Then at least I won't feel like crying every time I look in a mirror. Hopefully, I'll just feel like crying sometimes. What can I say, I'm just a silver lining kinda person.

-K

The fuzzies

My mind has been covered in the fuzzies all day long. Part of me, as always, gets annoyed by it. Making it more difficult to focus on things, thinking, staring off into space. But then the better part of me is thrilled at the fact that it means my body is starting to deal with going on less than 1000 calories... most of the time lately less than 500 calories.

Today being one of those less than 500 days. I was supposed to go out with another agent on an appointment today, but it turned out to be canceled and I wound up just lazing in bed till I had to get up and help W transfer tools with another of his co-workers. While sitting at the van having a cigarette I tried to think of what we were going to do with an appointment tomorrow... and I couldn't think. At all, the end.

It was a little thrilling. My sense is back to me. I smile on the inside more as the pain in my stomach grows. Even the familiar feeling of the body being hungry but not for a specific thing, just sort of hungry in general. And I know that I can say no, and I can avoid food just like I always did before.

And what was on the plate today? Well at one point I couldn't really avoid W asking about what I'd had and that I should eat (I have a habit of aimlessly wandering over to the fridge, opening it and then closing it without taking any food... like all the time). So I decided to make some lunch. Of course an anorexic's lunch can be a sight to behold.

30 minutes to make a sandwich. I had to pull out anything that could go on it. Scrutinize over the calories and fat count. Decide what out of it all could go on that would be alright. And then actually do the math and add it all up to get my total.

I split a potato hamburger bun into two (one bun is 130 calories). Then I got out some sliced ham and turkey and decided that having two sandwiches would be harder to eat than one, spreading it out would make more that I have to eat and thus make me less able to get through it all. 1 oz of ham (40 calories) went between the two halves of bun, and 1 oz of turkey (50 calories) went on next. Then I split a single slice of muenster cheese between the two of them (80 calories). And finished it up by putting mustard all over these two open-face sandwiches.

At that point W had to leave on a job. So I nibbled and drank diet soda for the course of 40 minutes. And then after managing to get through one of the two sandwiches I went and threw the other out, hiding it under other pieces of trash to hide it nicely. So if I would have eaten it all: 300 calories. Instead I took that and got through half. So 150 calories for the day.

The fuzzies stayed with me for most of the day. Then at one point I had to go over to Z's place to print a form that I will need at tomorrow's appointment (my printer just ran out of ink and I'm too poor to get more). I had a glass of water and turned down his offering of food (I just ate I lied to him). I got everything printed out (finding everything I needed was a bit confusing, not sure if that's because of the business itself or the fuzzies) and after 2 hours finally left to go back home to W.

He was just making dinner and of course asked if I wanted some, but I casually turned it down saying I just wasn't hungry. And so I sat with him while he ate and we watched some TV, rubbing his back after a while. It was a nice night. But at one point while walking past the kitchen I got drawn in.

I opened the pantry and looked right at the swiss rolls sitting on the shelf. I craved them, and I craved them hard. I nearly reached for them with a part of my mind saying 'you've only had 150 calories today, 200 more wouldn't be too bad'. But I was able to pull myself away from it all. quickly I was out the door to the balcony to have another cigarette.

And then the craving was gone, I just had to wait the few minutes of my smoke. Why yes the swiss rolls would be nice to have, but no thanks. I'd rather be thin.

So today was good. 150 calories, resisting temptation everywhere I went, and now I'm sitting here with a cup of vanilla honey chamomille tea.

Laters, K

Things stay crazy

I'm sorry I haven't had the chance to blog lately. That being said it wasn't a lax or lazy time for me. I'm currently down to 142.

Hurricane sandy didn't do much to us here. W had to rescue his parents from NJ though which was an adventure. His mom has a habit of force feeding everyone. You should eat breakfast, want me to make you French toast? An omelet? She will keep asking until you eat something.

Unless you leave before she wakes up and stay gone till after dinner. Which I was usually able to do. Jobs kept me away consistently.

Unfortunately I'm still broke. Turns out I won't be able to go back to insurance until January. I'm sick and tired of having No money, No car, feeling like I have No hope. But things will be better, because I'm getting thinner. And in the end that's what matters most.

Later, K

Mistakes and improvements

Well after some mistakes I've been stuck at 148 :(. Working hard to break past this and today should help quite a bit.

Today I had my diet green tea pills, lots of water, and 2 diet amps. Also decided to try out these FullBars. And they seem to work out pretty well, each one is 170 cals (which is ok), so my total today was 240 cals. So all in all calorie wise I am right on track (nicely under the 500 maximum). I was able to avoid all temptations today which felt nice and empowering.

Still waiting on everything to get rolling as far as my new job, at this point I'm just waiting on getting a bit more money so that I can finish off the Z and then put aside enough money to pay my bills for a month. Once that is all set I will being going all out, hitting the ground running as it were.

Now hopefully I will be getting that money soon as my mom's basement recently had a flood and mold and I still had stuff down there from when I was still living there. So it SEEMS I should be getting enough money for everything that I need soon (as long as mom doesn't try to take a bit more which she might and is grrrrr).

Well that seems to be all for now.

Laters, K

Fasting

So in retribution for eating at the buffet last night. Today was a fasting day. And it went perfectly.

Get over to J's house and tell them I ate at home, get home and say I ate there. Perfect. And I picked up some green tea diet pills that seem to have worked before so they shall again.

According to the scale this morning I maintained my 149 lb. And it currently states that I gained a pound, but I feel it's wrong there. I doubt I gained a pounds from water and diet soda. :/

Anyway, tomorrow is back to normal. No more than 500 Cal. Period.

Later, K

150

OK, so slow on the take. Had a lot going on yesterday, and I slipped a bit. Had the friends over for game night and earlier that day I ate 2 tiny slices of pizza (stripping it down to just cheese pizza to the slight bewilderment of W). That came out to ~420 cal, yikes. Then I stayed strong most of the day, until suddenly my body decided it was food time NOW. And I wound up eating a couple pizza bones from my friends pizza they ordered. So I think I wound up under 700 definitely, maybe under 600. I hate not knowing for sure. I hop on the scale this morning so it can tell me how good or bad my day will be, and I'm sitting at 150. Wow, that's a lot, but it's less than the 154 I was at two days ago. So once again, go me (self-high five). So today I MAY be going out to dinner with mom, but I'm not sure, haven't heard anything about it since she brought it up on Wednesday. So maybe, maybe not. *shrug* I am super excite about November, because I will be getting back into being a Merchant of Death (life insurance). Which is a fantastic business to be in, only reason I haven't been doing it is because my Z hasn't been up. With this I am expected to make at least 60k/year and after a while will be given my own office to run (hell yeah). And if there is one thing I have learned in this world is that two things make everything better: Thinness and Money. Laters, K

0 cal

I made some mistakes these last few days, some true fuck upset. But today was different 0 Cal's. Nothing but water and hot green tea today. Temptation running rampant and my body demanding food, I was able to control my will and go without.

"I'm not hungry" , "I ate after the last job" excuse after excuse. Every day needs to be like today. I need to stay strong, I have the control and the willpower.

Laters, K

Got rid of fading obsession

The webring was making it hard to see this site so I disabled it. Also picked up wasted the other day. I've never read it before but always wanted to so now I finally get the chance.

Today was a good day, I'm down to 148 and all I had was chicken noodle soup which was a total of 200 Cal for the day. I'm finally making progress but was quite tempted by the pizza my boyfriend was eating next to me while we watched lost.

I'm starting to get a little wobbly when I stand up and my mind has it's moments of fogginess. Great signs, signs that I'm doing well losing weight, getting one step closer.

Laters, K

Bracelet and other stuff

So I don't know why I didn't think of this before. I have been wanting to get a new Ana bracelet but couldn't find a red beaded bracelet anywhere. So I have this skull bracelet that I've had for a while.... And I'm an artist with lots of paint... So now I have a red skull Ana bracelet.

Also today I broke down and had a cup of Mac and cheese, 240 Cal. So thankfully it's under 500 Cal. I also got bored and bleached my hair, so now it's cray light blonde.

I've been watching a lot of lost great show to be distracted by, nice long series to watch and ignore the growing hunger. Although sometimes it's hard when I have my boyfriend sitting next to me eating, but it makes me feel stronger even with giving in and eating a bit.

Later, K

More fasting

Not too sure I can keep doing the 2468 the first two days are fine but 600-800 calories just terrifies me. I'm watching my parents place for the weekend which is a wonderful opportunity to fast. I think I'll keep it going for as long as possible. Currently I've seemed to hit a plateau which is aggravating as hell.

I really need to get myself down to 100 lb, I feel that is a perfect weight. It was always a perfect score on a test why not weight too. Now even with the fast going on I've been trying neuro water trim. I don't know if it'll work but I hope it does. My one friend was mentioning that he doesn't like the taste of it but I don't care about taste I just need it to work.

Laters, K

I miscounted

I screwed up my count today. Which is infuriating because I'm normally so good at it. I went a bit over the 800 mark today, all because of a piece of bread.
Fuck bread :(

If I had the money I'd do the kekwick again but lucky me I have exactly $0 until Monday. Good thing gas is free.... Wait, no it isn't. I hate how my life is right now, no money, my beloved Z is still sitting at my mom's place just waiting to be put back together.

Once I get my Z back and get thin everything will be better. Can only go up from here right?

Laters, K

Still on track

Today was two veggie Turkey burgers, made of veggie tastes like Turkey it was interesting. Each Burger was on one slice of wheat bread with lots of mustard. Later I spent 30 minutes nibbling on three baby carrots.

So:
2 veggie Turkey Burger 90 Cal each for 180
2 slices of wheat bread at 80 Cal per slice for 160
Mustard at a glorious 0 Cal
3 baby carrots for around 10 Cal.

Total today: 350 cal
Good day, also I started taking hydroxycut it gave me more energy and definitely fought off some hunger. Even if it doesn't by itself make weight come off the added decrease in appetite and increase in energy is well worth it.

I also got annoyed at my hair and took the scissors to it. I need to bleach it though. I'm still hovering at 152 but hopefully in the morning the scale will obey my wishes and drop the number down.

Tomorrow is 600 Cal... Anything over 500 is frightening and I don't know yet what I will eat, not really looking forward to it... And then 800 the day after, ugh.

Later, K

Another successful fast

It feels so good to fast. People offer up food and the amazing feeling of being able to say no while everyone else eats is just fantastic. And according to the scale this morning I'm back to 152, if I hadn't mentioned apparently I had mistook my weight and it was actually back up time 158.

So now I start up the 2468. Today will be two grille original veggie burgers. 100 Cal each with mustard on the since mustard is zero Cal and thus my fact condiment. Gonna come up with a plan for tomorrow, 400 Cal....

Laters, K

Lost a battle

But the war goes on.

I wound up doing a bit of a binge, a healthy(ish) one though. I wound up getting stuck having a vegetarian burrito. Tofu, rice, beans. Felt like shit of course. And just got done with the knife.

Tomorrow is a new day. No food. Period. The end. Diet soda and water and cigs. Then Monday starts the 2468 diet.

W was asking some questions about the diet. He was mostly confused about the low calorie intake. He doesn't seem concerned. Not yet.

And the longer I can keep off his concerns the better. Just need to hide everything. The eating habits, The cuts, and when it gets noticeable the weight loss.

What a twisted fate. I want to lose so much weight. I need to. But then I'm compelled to hide it. I know I won't be satisfied, and I know people will try to stop me... But I won't, and they can't.

Laters, K

Fasting

I decided to bump up the schedule and fast. More specifically I was being assaulted with food to eat and went into a fast defensively. So that's one day down with 0 Cal. Nothing but diet soda, water, and cigarette. Good day.

I'm gonna keep this up till Monday then go back to the 2468. Time to starve, I love the feeling of control by just denying food. It's euphoric. Also no food means no cuts, saves my arm a bit.

Laters, K

Day 4

So I wake up today, stomache still hurting. Onto the scale I tread and behold... the same weight I had yesterday. 159 still, seriously?! Come on body, we need to be on the same page here. We need to lose weight, period. The end.

Whatever, maintaining isn't a sin, gaining is. I can deal with this. I guess my calories yesterday were too much, so I'll shoot for lower today. Here's hoping. Also, thankfully, W hasn't noticed anything yet. Hasn't noticed my rules, my lower intake, my tiny little bites, drinking only one can of soda a day instead of 12, drinking more tea and water. I'm glad, I don't want him to catch on, or else he'll try to make me stop, most people would.

And that's why I'm here, to gain support and love from the rest of us. The ones who care deeply about our weight. The ones willing to go to any lengths to get what we need and desire. The ones who know how painful and tough it is, and yet keep going knowing how completely worth it it is.

Laters, K

Back again, lets make it last

I return again... again. So far today I've had 6 pieces of sugarless gum, 1 diet Mnt Dew, and lots of water. I desperately need to drop the weight. I've been feeling disgusting and awful. As if I hated looking in mirrors before, now I avoid rooms with them if possible.

I just don't know how people can just go about their life eating all this food and being fine with it, or even weirder: happy about it. It's like "Man this deep fried bacon mayonaise blob is DELISH!" says Mr. 300 pound lardass. Seriously what is up with these people?! Eating this shit, forcing it into their face non stop... and then THEY COMPLAIN ABOUT THEIR WEIGHT!

Here's some ideas: put down the mayo, walk further than the distance between your couch and the fridge, bike swim run (or lumber whatev), fucking DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Stop bitching that you can't lose weight when you don't even try.

Here I am suffering with my weight, so I eat nothing, drink water and diet stuff, take the stairs everywhere, run swim bike... god damn it this nation of grease and fat disgusts me.

Hard to start

So I did pretty well today until I got home, then I got stuck with dinner with my roommate J and D. I had a sandwich. Though I felt the effects of it right away, and it just felt awful, so my current plan was to hop out to get what I need for the Kekwick diet but I'm not so sure I'll be able to right away, so I may need to hold off until tomorrow to get the diet stuffs... I wish it weren't so hard. Also last week W noticed my arm full of cuts, but he just brushed it off so I'm not sure what he thinks puts those cuts there but he doesn't seem worried which mean he doesn't suspect me... which is good.

Terrible

Well things are going great and awful at the same time, which is the norm now for me. On the plus side I'm happily with W, have a well paying job, and I'm about to move in with W, and I'm about to have both my cars (1997 Eagle Talon & 1971 Datsun 240Z) up and ready to go... On the down side I've gained weight. The downside is about equal to all the good I've gotten so far. I've done a bit of test questions with W and sorta see if he's alright with me losing weight, so far he hasn't said anything to stop me just stuff like 'Lose what?' and 'There's nothing there to lose'. But I recently saw some pictures he took of me one night and I look just TERRIBLE!

So I need to drop at least 20 Lb. I'm looking for the perfect time to do the Kekwick diet to jump start myself into metabolism city. I'm thinking that since I'm over at his place on tuesday night into wednesday I can't do it then. And I don't work thursdays or sundays... so maybe if I do it friday, saturday, and sunday I'll be good. I can pull that off no problem, 3 days of Kekwick and I should lbe down at least 6 lb... I'll need some support tho, so let those comments roll in, I'll be able to reply now that I'm all set up at the dealership.

Also I need to get myself a new red bracelet... something physical to keep me going...