Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Pessimist

Maybe I'd be better off overall as a pessimist. Because then I could just look at everything I do and just immediately assume that I'd fail and thus decide it isn't worth trying, but no instead I'm more of an optimist and go about my dad assuming things will work out in the end, and that I'll manage to succeed.

What makes me start thinking like this today, well because of course I failed at my fast today. On the plus side I did get through two and a half of the days before crashing it to meaninglessness. Decided to hang out with some friends today, and that wound us up at a Chinese restaurant and then the movies. After that I came home and there were brownies. I'll have to find out in the morning exactly how much I've set myself back, but it feels to me like I'm so far away as to make it not worth me trying... though I know that there is no way I can actually give up.

Of course I had tried to stop my fasting, restricting, obsessing over my weight all of it. But when I do I always seem to fall right back to it in at most a week. So it seems like no matter what I'm stuck with these feelings and obsessions... I dunno if I'll ever be able to freely eat and never worry.... I'm dunno if I would ever want to...

3 comments:

hey.hana said...

Damn brownies. Fuck that shit.

Although if you do feel like binging on brownies or cookie dough, Duncan Hines oven-ready brownie dealy whatevers are 340 cals for the whole thing ((which is large and difficult to finish)). I buy it whenever I feel destructive with the vain hope that a 300 cal binge isn't so bad.

Don't fret too much. You'll soon be back.

Remember: Coffee. Cigarettes. Coffee.

One of Ana's Boys said...

Ahh yes my fav chant. Coffee cigarettes coffee. Does make me feel a bit better

Pro_Ana_MoDel said...

I'm starting to hate chinease food people seem to fail on it... my mum loves it so she makes me eat it.. every single friday I have to find excuse to get out of it... not allways works out... coffee and cigarets... I failed on quiting smoking and had one today... :)) don't feel bad about it at all... don't loose hope.. x x x