Scared

So I'm sitting outside of a restaurant where I just had dinner. I'm drunk and just ate, and I want to throw up so bad. But deep inside I know that if I start purging I won't be able to stop. It'll become a habit.

But I've been under so much stress. I've got no money, I'm working two jobs to try and make money, bills are die, both my cars need work done, I'm fat..... I hate everything.right now. I want to purge but I can't do it... I'm so scared I don't know what to do.

Realizations...

I sit out here smoking my cig scared to shit at how far off my track I've gone. I'm hevier, uglier, I don't fit into my clothes like I should. I've avoided disclosing my weight out of shame but now I feel that's exactly the punishment I deserve for all this. Shame. I'm 140osh now. That's it I need all the help I can get I need to drop back down to my 120's as a start. I'm so ashamed of myself. Stop eating, lose weight fatty, Ana hates you for your disappointment to her. I hate myself even more now. I'm a failure but I won't stay one for long, no more excuses no more giving in to friends. Use my money for green tea, diet soda, and cigs. Get my body back. I hate myself so much. Maybe I'll take the step I avoided, maybe it's time to start purging...

Blah

I've been neglecting my blog and dear readers and I feel bad about it. It's been a mix of two major things really. A) Craziness in my life trying to figure out how to get a job and get my car fixed and deal with various different drama situations from various groups of friends. B) I've been getting more and more depressed lately. And lonely. And it sucks. I've eaten way more than I should have today, and now the worst thing is that my weight is going up and down constantly. Some days it'll be a little on the low side, then it'll go up a few pounds, then back down. I gotta find a way to just set myself back on track.

A few days ago I was in the shower after one moment of sudden eating and decided I would try to purge. Even with drinking 20 oz. of water I couldn't seem to do it. Which actually made me feel even worse. It's like I'm not even good enough to be able to purge at all, there are plenty of people out there who can do it, so why not me. It's not that I REALLY want to purge but sometimes after I eat my mind just decides it's what needs to be done. I dunno... maybe I'm just fucked up.

birthday

Today is my birthday. It's kind of sad that even on a day like this all I can think of is what I'm eating and how to lose weight. My friend did a good job of making it a pretty good day though, so that was fun. But he also took me out to eat and insisted on a big meal... and I couldn't do anything about it. I think more about purging out if I eat now which makes me feel that I would rather just not eat, so except for tomorrow (where I need to eat dinner with the family) it's going to be major restricting and fasting... though I feel aweful even saying that since it seems that I can never follow through. I need to get myself back to the right mindset with all this. I used to be right on track all the time, but now I'm off, and remembering being back on just makes it a bit worse.

scared

I was just outside for a cigarette and spent about 10 minutes trying to purge. I had way to much to eat, and suddenly the urge just hit me. I just felt that I had to purge out. I failed, of course. But stayed scared. Even now I'm terrified, I just feel really really scared and don't know why. I need to keep my eating down, next time I figure I should drink a lot of water right after to do it right. I don't want to do so, but if I eat I just need to get it out. I should just be able to avoid food completely...