tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37729248501662747472024-03-14T02:56:37.280-07:00Starving Artist? More than they may think, One of Ana's Boys' Pro-Ana BlogOne of Ana's Boys Pro-Ana blogging about his own on-going experiences with Anorexia, and what's going on, through, and around him.One of Ana's Boyshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08954211741447201171noreply@blogger.comBlogger199125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3772924850166274747.post-75268000681880339442015-01-03T20:36:00.003-08:002015-01-03T20:36:41.360-08:00The Return<p dir="ltr">I've been gone for a while. I wish I could say it's because I got cured, life got better, things have been great and never better. Of course that would be a lie. I've been through a lot.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I ended my relationship with W after three years. There were a bunch of reasons but essentially it all boiled down to one thing. W was abusive. He never hit me or raped me, so I'm thankful for that, but mentally, verbally, emotionally, and physically through intimidation and shows of violence around the apartment. It wasn't good, and it kept getting worse and worse.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Then one week he went on vacation with some friends, I wasn't allowed to go, and I spent time online and wound up meeting G. We met in person soon after meeting online. I had only been looking for a friend but I found more.</p>
<p dir="ltr">It was G who helped me end the relationship indirectly. And now we're together and living in Philadelphia. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Am I happy? I don't think I've ever been really happy, but I do have times where I do feel happy, even if it's only for a fleeting moment before it gets washed away by a wave of negativity from my mind.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Am I thin? No. I gained weight during my relationship with W and I wasn't able to get into the mindset to lose that weight.</p>
<p dir="ltr">As it usually goes with me, I'm back to needing to lose weight. I hate my body and I still feel hollow. I always feel hollow. Most of the time I do my best to hide how awful I feel with jokes and smiles, but under it all I still feel empty, listless, worthless... The melancholy of life. Well my life anyway. </p>
<p dir="ltr">There's plenty more to tell and I'll be keeping track of my eating, as per usual. G and I decided to go vegetarian. I put up a fight against it. I think because it's a means to my ends and I'm afraid of just using this like I use everything else. Fuck I'm a terrible person, but maybe I can be a thin terrible person. Then at least I won't feel like crying every time I look in a mirror. Hopefully, I'll just feel like crying sometimes. What can I say, I'm just a silver lining kinda person.</p>
<p dir="ltr">-K</p>
One of Ana's Boyshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08954211741447201171noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3772924850166274747.post-41457812545146105122015-01-03T20:36:00.001-08:002015-01-03T20:36:06.623-08:00The Return<p dir="ltr">I've been gone for a while. I wish I could say it's because I got cured, life got better, things have been great and never better. Of course that would be a lie. I've been through a lot.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I ended my relationship with W after three years. There were a bunch of reasons but essentially it all boiled down to one thing. W was abusive. He never hit me or raped me, so I'm thankful for that, but mentally, verbally, emotionally, and physically through intimidation and shows of violence around the apartment. It wasn't good, and it kept getting worse and worse.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Then one week he went on vacation with some friends, I wasn't allowed to go, and I spent time online and wound up meeting G. We met in person soon after meeting online. I had only been looking for a friend but I found more.</p>
<p dir="ltr">It was G who helped me end the relationship indirectly. And now we're together and living in Philadelphia. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Am I happy? I don't think I've ever been really happy, but I do have times where I do feel happy, even if it's only for a fleeting moment before it gets washed away by a wave of negativity from my mind.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Am I thin? No. I gained weight during my relationship with W and I wasn't able to get into the mindset to lose that weight.</p>
<p dir="ltr">As it usually goes with me, I'm back to needing to lose weight. I hate my body and I still feel hollow. I always feel hollow. Most of the time I do my best to hide how awful I feel with jokes and smiles, but under it all I still feel empty, listless, worthless... The melancholy of life. Well my life anyway. </p>
<p dir="ltr">There's plenty more to tell and I'll be keeping track of my eating, as per usual. G and I decided to go vegetarian. I put up a fight against it. I think because it's a means to my ends and I'm afraid of just using this like I use everything else. Fuck I'm a terrible person, but maybe I can be a thin terrible person. Then at least I won't feel like crying every time I look in a mirror. Hopefully, I'll just feel like crying sometimes. What can I say, I'm just a silver lining kinda person.</p>
<p dir="ltr">-K</p>
One of Ana's Boyshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08954211741447201171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3772924850166274747.post-27177686288827663062013-03-26T20:41:00.001-07:002013-03-26T20:41:43.543-07:00The fuzziesMy mind has been covered in the fuzzies all day long. Part of me, as always, gets annoyed by it. Making it more difficult to focus on things, thinking, staring off into space. But then the better part of me is thrilled at the fact that it means my body is starting to deal with going on less than 1000 calories... most of the time lately less than 500 calories.<br />
<br />
Today being one of those less than 500 days. I was supposed to go out with another agent on an appointment today, but it turned out to be canceled and I wound up just lazing in bed till I had to get up and help W transfer tools with another of his co-workers. While sitting at the van having a cigarette I tried to think of what we were going to do with an appointment tomorrow... and I couldn't think. At all, the end.<br />
<br />
It was a little thrilling. My sense is back to me. I smile on the inside more as the pain in my stomach grows. Even the familiar feeling of the body being hungry but not for a specific thing, just sort of hungry in general. And I know that I can say no, and I can avoid food just like I always did before.<br />
<br />
And what was on the plate today? Well at one point I couldn't really avoid W asking about what I'd had and that I should eat (I have a habit of aimlessly wandering over to the fridge, opening it and then closing it without taking any food... like all the time). So I decided to make some lunch. Of course an anorexic's lunch can be a sight to behold.<br />
<br />
30 minutes to make a sandwich. I had to pull out anything that could go on it. Scrutinize over the calories and fat count. Decide what out of it all could go on that would be alright. And then actually do the math and add it all up to get my total.<br />
<br />
I split a potato hamburger bun into two (one bun is 130 calories). Then I got out some sliced ham and turkey and decided that having two sandwiches would be harder to eat than one, spreading it out would make more that I have to eat and thus make me less able to get through it all. 1 oz of ham (40 calories) went between the two halves of bun, and 1 oz of turkey (50 calories) went on next. Then I split a single slice of muenster cheese between the two of them (80 calories). And finished it up by putting mustard all over these two open-face sandwiches.<br />
<br />
At that point W had to leave on a job. So I nibbled and drank diet soda for the course of 40 minutes. And then after managing to get through one of the two sandwiches I went and threw the other out, hiding it under other pieces of trash to hide it nicely. So if I would have eaten it all: 300 calories. Instead I took that and got through half. So 150 calories for the day.<br />
<br />
The fuzzies stayed with me for most of the day. Then at one point I had to go over to Z's place to print a form that I will need at tomorrow's appointment (my printer just ran out of ink and I'm too poor to get more). I had a glass of water and turned down his offering of food (I just ate I lied to him). I got everything printed out (finding everything I needed was a bit confusing, not sure if that's because of the business itself or the fuzzies) and after 2 hours finally left to go back home to W.<br />
<br />
He was just making dinner and of course asked if I wanted some, but I casually turned it down saying I just wasn't hungry. And so I sat with him while he ate and we watched some TV, rubbing his back after a while. It was a nice night. But at one point while walking past the kitchen I got drawn in.<br />
<br />
I opened the pantry and looked right at the swiss rolls sitting on the shelf. I craved them, and I craved them hard. I nearly reached for them with a part of my mind saying 'you've only had 150 calories today, 200 more wouldn't be too bad'. But I was able to pull myself away from it all. quickly I was out the door to the balcony to have another cigarette.<br />
<br />
And then the craving was gone, I just had to wait the few minutes of my smoke. Why yes the swiss rolls would be nice to have, but no thanks. I'd rather be thin.<br />
<br />
So today was good. 150 calories, resisting temptation everywhere I went, and now I'm sitting here with a cup of vanilla honey chamomille tea.<br />
<br />
Laters, KOne of Ana's Boyshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08954211741447201171noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3772924850166274747.post-66426272775231032702013-03-25T18:54:00.002-07:002013-03-25T18:54:58.802-07:00A disaster and an improvementSo yesterday me and a bunch of friends got together at my mom's place to have a meal. Joy.<br />
<br />
Now the meal itself was fairly healthy, J made his Tropical Chili (Apple, Mango, Mandarin Orange, Black beans, Chicken, White Rice). So as far as the actual health and calories it wasn't as bad as it could be. I myself ate 3/4th of a bowl of it. Still too much but I had to eat to appear normal. With it I drank plenty of diet soda of course.<br />
<br />
However of course this led to me later on having to cut. Now I made a bad choice on this one. My left arm is mostly scar at this point I feel, so I decided that since I haven't cut my leg in a while I would cut there. Simple enough to hide I figured, it's cold and long pants can always hide the scars.<br />
<br />
Now the next part requires a bit of preface. As you all know I am gay, very gay. And not manly about it either, I'm a fem, girly boi. I like to wear girls clothes often as well (pants and shirts, I don't go around in skirts and dresses). And W likes me in girly things as well. I had forgotten that he had ordered me a side tie bikini... and it arrived today as I got home from work.<br />
<br />
Of course he wanted to see me in it right away and all I could think about were the fresh slices on my left thigh. So after trying to hide my leg and avoiding wearing the bikini (he ordered me a small which is apparently size 0-2) eventually I couldn't avoid it. It did fit well and I do like it and look forward to wearing it... but he did notice the cuts on my leg. He commented on it and I just brushed it aside with a Yeah and ignored it from there, although I did notice him look at my leg often and rub his hand over it.<br />
<br />
As far as my eating today I was a little disappointed but all in all I did fairly well. 5 chicken nuggets (230 calories) with yellow mustard (0 calories). I drank nothing but diet soda and ate nothing else today. so my total is 230 calories. Today at my weigh-in I was up from 148 to 149 lb, with today that should be cut back down to at least 148 maybe 147.<br />
<br />
In other news for today, I have finally completed all of my initial online courses and contracting for my new position. So now I can finally start writing some business. I won't go into any specifics of my position but after a few years I can be looking at making 6 figures, this is very good. I'm tired of being the poorest person I know.<br />
<br />
Laters, KOne of Ana's Boyshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08954211741447201171noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3772924850166274747.post-50530724080811690912013-03-23T18:13:00.001-07:002013-03-23T18:13:20.713-07:00Lazy but good day<div><p>Today managed to be good for me. Yesterday I was unable to get out of going to the buffet but was thankfully able to go with mostly healthy (relative) food and get through about 1 plate in the hour We were there. And with that I maintained my current 148lb.</p>
<p>Today was much better. Tea, diet soda, and half a bowl of soup. So around 200 calories there. Otherwise things have been kinda hectic all over.</p>
<p>Found out from getting denied one of my appointments with a company I'll be working with that I needed to quick spend 300$ which I just barely had to get part of my credit cleared up. It sucks that I'm down the money for right now but really in the long run I know that it will really pay off.</p>
<p>Not just with my current job, but as I do plan to eventually rent a house I'll need better credit for W and I to get a nice place. I'm still waiting on my beloved Z to finish getting repaired, it's so annoying. Nothing really wrong with it just need it put back together and new tires. And the waiting is killing me.</p>
<p>Laters, K</p>
</div>One of Ana's Boyshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08954211741447201171noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3772924850166274747.post-19810361056688047162013-03-21T17:39:00.001-07:002013-03-21T17:39:04.369-07:00Great day<div><p>According to Baron Scale I have lost 6 lb in the past three days. Bringing me down to a depressingly high 150. Like I said I've been awful lately and for a while. I would have days on track maybe 1 day eat nothing, or under 500. But most days I would be unable to avoid eating...</p>
<p>Today was not one of those days. I went with no food, 2 diet amps at 10 per, and one cup of vanilla camomile tea with soy milk in it so about 20 calories there. Bringing today's total to 40 calories. That made a great day, no food and under 100 calories. </p>
<p>The lies return easily and thankfully. Just now W commented on not eating in a while and asked If I had eaten. Why of course subway while working it was delicious... and a lie.</p>
<p>My mind is back to where it should be. Why eat and give up what I've lost, maybe with more food I'll trick my body into losing but really food = calories = fat. I still have my size 0's waiting for me to return to my former size, and with more days like this I will get there.</p>
<p>Laters, K</p>
</div>One of Ana's Boyshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08954211741447201171noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3772924850166274747.post-478711254172997282013-03-19T19:54:00.003-07:002013-03-19T19:55:14.707-07:00Another day on trackToday went very well. Could have gone down though, I did have a slight bit of temptation. Mostly it was due to a very boring day. But thankfully once against my job saved the day.<br />
<br />
I woke up at my usual time to get ready for appointments, only to find that the first two were rescheduled due to weather. So instead we only had one appointment at 4pm. So I meandered around the apartment wasting some time, drinking some diet soda, black coffee, cigarette cigarette cigarette.<br />
<br />
After a while I decided to run out for some gas, and the temptation hit full force at the gas station. I grabbed a diet Amp and then the junk foods. Everywhere, gas stations are designed to get us to eat it seems. And of course nothing but the worst of foods to eat there as well.<br />
<br />
I must look odd standing in the food aisles staring at different foods. Pick up a cookie, read the calories, put it back. Pick up a muffin, read, refuse. I studied the entire aisle, my body desiring every piece I saw. Eventually I did actually get something, a protein meal bar. 170 calories.<br />
<br />
Fine, you can have this bit right here. That's all your getting. After an hour of nibbling on that and drinking my diet amp, then soda, then more coffee it was time for the appointment. My mind is already getting a bit of the fuzzies, I love it. The wool on the brain, it tells me that I'm doing things right.<br />
<br />
After the rather uneventful appointment I went back home. W was away on work so I was free to sit around and do basically nothing for a while. Read a bit of Wasted (love that book). He came home around 6 and decided it was dinner time. I had soup, he had a sandwich and a salad.<br />
<br />
The soup was 220 calories, and I took as long as possible with it. Long enough to manage only the soup, but not long enough for W to question it. We watched some TV after that.<br />
<br />
And I realize now that this post must sound very boring.... but I've still got the fuzzies, and my sinuses are full of pressure so my mind isn't quite on par...<br />
<br />
So then let's throw in some more good news. A couple of days ago I needed my credit checked to get an appointment with a company. I was denied due to a big charge on my credit. $946! From something I had never heard of. This wasn't boding well.<br />
<br />
After a bit of research I found that it was a company that bought debt and tried to get paid on it. Well as it turned out I had two options: Get rid of this from my credit, or never get appointed and lose my new job.<br />
<br />
After scraping together everything I had, and a few phone calls to the company I was able to get it settled for $300. Which for right now is a LOT, but in the long run it's not too bad. This is a job that is on average 6 figures. So I think for now I can deal with the 300 loss. And at least it's helped clear up my credit.<br />
<br />
I weighed myself two days ago: 155<br />
Yesterday: 153<br />
Today: 151<br />
<br />
This is a very good thing. I need to keep this up. When I'm back on track I always want to go to bed, sleep away the cravings and see what I've lost in the morning. That makes all the difference really. The morning. Lost some weight? Good you're on track, now keep it up and lose more. Gained some weight? You filthy pig, you're not allowed to eat anything today. A win win really for me.<br />
<br />
Although admittedly for the last long while I haven't been on track. So I wasn't starving after weighing, I was cutting. Punishing. Trying to get a grasp back on my eating. And now I've got it, and I won't let go. I can't let go.<br />
<br />
Tomorrow will be interesting, no appointments. No escape from home, from food. Salads? Hopefully I can do a day of salad without any questions. Here's to a better tomorrow.<br />
<br />
Laters, KOne of Ana's Boyshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08954211741447201171noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3772924850166274747.post-84052414972296076632013-03-18T18:52:00.000-07:002013-03-18T18:52:12.088-07:00Good dayToday I was good. Today I was strong. Tomorrow I will be good. Tomorrow I will be strong.<br />
<br />
A good motto? I like to think so. Today was a fairly short work day, which is good. As I don't have my car working right now I need to ride with someone to get tot he office and appointments. So thankfully I was able to say no to lunch, I'll eat when I get home. Get home, Oh I had some lunch on the way home.<br />
<br />
Dinner I couldn't avoid, but I was able to go light. W wanted chicken nuggets, that's fine. I made 30, 25 for him, and 5 for me. Plain, no sauce. 230 calories. I drank 2 energy drinks though. at 130 cal per can.<br />
<br />
So let's see then:<br />
<br />
5 chicken nuggets: 230 calories per serving (5 nuggets) = 230 calories<br />
2 Amps : 130 per can = 260 calories<br />
Black Coffee: 0 calories = 0 calories<br />
Total: 490 calories<br />
<br />
And that is a good day.<br />
<br />
It's odd to me that it's like a switch. One day I'll be eating, hating it, punishing myself for it. The next day I go without, No thanks, I'm not hungry. The body screams for food, I deny it. It'll learn once again. As it always does. I will drag my body, kicking and screaming, to thin again.<br />
<br />
Laters, KOne of Ana's Boyshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08954211741447201171noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3772924850166274747.post-59363158654617328072013-03-16T22:23:00.001-07:002013-03-16T22:23:19.058-07:00I am terrible at resolutions<div><p>So yeah blogging more often hasn't quite happened has it? I apologize for that. Recently my life has been extra chaotic. New job/career (ironically in health), money issues, life issues, stress. Good things, bad thing, doing well on my diets, and doing awful.</p>
<p>I wish my body and brain were programed to stop eating when dealing with stress and depression, instead I find myself eating more, then hating myself for it, punishment, stress, rinse repeat. </p>
<p>I need to be able to get myself grounded again. To get back to saying no. Stop eating. </p>
<p>I news the accomplishment of starving, success. Stop giving in. Be more determined, focused, strong. </p>
<p>I want to stand up and feel the lovely dizzies. The familiar malnutrition headaches. I wanna watch my body eat up the fat and muscle and strain to survive as I deprive it of nutrients.</p>
<p>More diet pills? When I have money. Better diets? When I have my freedom back. </p>
<p>Go to work, no time for breakfast. Skip lunch because there is too much to do. Get back home, no dinner for me I ate on the way home.</p>
<p>Let the lies slide off my tongue and engulf me. Safety in the lies. Security in my strength. Love in my self hatred.</p>
<p>Ana I need you back, take me away.</p>
<p>Laters, K</p>
</div>One of Ana's Boyshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08954211741447201171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3772924850166274747.post-4767291827342803482013-01-04T11:46:00.001-08:002013-01-04T11:46:12.355-08:00New years resolution time<div><p>So it's that time. First the obvious: I've been away for far too long, time to get back in. I resolve to be at 100 lb by the end of the year, summer preferably. I resolve to let the lies and excuses for not eating roll effortlessly off my tongue. I resolve to post more than a hand full of times a year.</p>
<p>And so I will do more, although I may need help at first. My thoughts have stayed true and my weight hasn't gone up I just need a not more to go all the way.</p>
<p>Laters, K</p>
</div>One of Ana's Boyshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08954211741447201171noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3772924850166274747.post-69036622722505046002012-11-09T10:15:00.001-08:002012-11-09T10:15:17.125-08:00Things stay crazy<div><p>I'm sorry I haven't had the chance to blog lately. That being said it wasn't a lax or lazy time for me. I'm currently down to 142. </p>
<p>Hurricane sandy didn't do much to us here. W had to rescue his parents from NJ though which was an adventure. His mom has a habit of force feeding everyone. You should eat breakfast, want me to make you French toast? An omelet? She will keep asking until you eat something.</p>
<p>Unless you leave before she wakes up and stay gone till after dinner. Which I was usually able to do. Jobs kept me away consistently. </p>
<p>Unfortunately I'm still broke. Turns out I won't be able to go back to insurance until January. I'm sick and tired of having No money, No car, feeling like I have No hope. But things will be better, because I'm getting thinner. And in the end that's what matters most.</p>
<p>Later, K</p>
</div>One of Ana's Boyshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08954211741447201171noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3772924850166274747.post-75964773323940965192012-10-23T17:54:00.001-07:002012-10-23T17:54:49.582-07:00Mistakes and improvementsWell after some mistakes I've been stuck at 148 :(. Working hard to break past this and today should help quite a bit.<br />
<br />
Today I had my diet green tea pills, lots of water, and 2 diet amps. Also decided to try out these FullBars. And they seem to work out pretty well, each one is 170 cals (which is ok), so my total today was 240 cals. So all in all calorie wise I am right on track (nicely under the 500 maximum). I was able to avoid all temptations today which felt nice and empowering.<br />
<br />
Still waiting on everything to get rolling as far as my new job, at this point I'm just waiting on getting a bit more money so that I can finish off the Z and then put aside enough money to pay my bills for a month. Once that is all set I will being going all out, hitting the ground running as it were.<br />
<br />
Now hopefully I will be getting that money soon as my mom's basement recently had a flood and mold and I still had stuff down there from when I was still living there. So it SEEMS I should be getting enough money for everything that I need soon (as long as mom doesn't try to take a bit more which she might and is grrrrr).<br />
<br />
Well that seems to be all for now.<br />
<br />
Laters, KOne of Ana's Boyshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08954211741447201171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3772924850166274747.post-10979631265027613332012-10-17T16:02:00.001-07:002012-10-17T16:02:38.986-07:00Bad AnaUgh, I've been a poor ana. Not entirely on me, though I should have been stronger.
W had a frend over, and the whole time (he was here for a week) I had to eat. In front of people. Which scares the shit out of me.
And nothing good, not salads and carrots and celery. NO. Fat food, sandwhiches, pasta, FAT!
So, now that he's gone I can get back to my ways. My method. No to low food, lose weight.
As of today I'm down to 148, good should be better. I am better all ready.
Today has been 0 cal, No food, diet drinks, water. YAY!
Laters, KOne of Ana's Boyshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08954211741447201171noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3772924850166274747.post-50997129446213962262012-10-10T19:17:00.001-07:002012-10-10T19:17:09.824-07:00Fasting<div><p>So in retribution for eating at the buffet last night. Today was a fasting day. And it went perfectly. </p>
<p>Get over to J's house and tell them I ate at home, get home and say I ate there. Perfect. And I picked up some green tea diet pills that seem to have worked before so they shall again.</p>
<p>According to the scale this morning I maintained my 149 lb. And it currently states that I gained a pound, but I feel it's wrong there. I doubt I gained a pounds from water and diet soda. :/</p>
<p>Anyway, tomorrow is back to normal. No more than 500 Cal. Period.</p>
<p>Later, K</p>
</div>One of Ana's Boyshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08954211741447201171noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3772924850166274747.post-4766961076805157632012-10-09T19:27:00.001-07:002012-10-09T19:27:00.666-07:00Ruined days<div><p>So today everything was going great. I'm are 149 lb, empty stomach. Had some salad and 10 carrot sticks for lunch, right on track doing great!</p>
<p>Then Z comes home from work and tells us he's taking us out to the Japanese buffet. Well, fuck. Fuck my day. I was planning on having MAYBE a veggie Burger with mustard (No bread) but instead get dragged to the buffet.</p>
<p>So I decide fuck it. Make the best of it. 1 eel nigiri, 1 salmon nigiri, 1 of those chickens on a stick, and 2 little cheese things they had. I ate what I could find the calorie count of online (the nigiri, half the chicken stick and the cheese things) which came out to around 500 Cal.</p>
<p>So my plan got fucked but at least I was able to not go too far out of it. Hopefully at worst I'll maintain the weight I got to today. And to make up for it I'll be fasting tomorrow which will be easy considering I won't be home all day and can easily avoid food that way. Ugh.</p>
<p>Other than that my day was uneventful, played some borderlands 2 with W, and stayed in my PJ's most of the day (hello Kitty fleece bottoms and a purple & black striped long sleeve shirt.... Yeah I may be a tiny bit gay :) )</p>
<p>Laters, K</p>
</div>One of Ana's Boyshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08954211741447201171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3772924850166274747.post-4999747320294357532012-10-08T17:48:00.001-07:002012-10-08T17:48:29.525-07:00A birthday and a funeral<div><p>So I found out my mom's birthday was on Wednesday (I'm terrible with birthdays), so we had to go out to eat for her birthday. I allowed for it figuring that I would be OK with one day's slip. </p>
<p>Next day was my aunt's funeral. There was a dinner after that mom said she didn't want to go to, great thought I, No eating yay. Wrong. After the funeral off we went to a diner. Ugh</p>
<p>Unfortunately with both I need to eat "normal" in front of my mom who has in the past accused me of being anorexic. So I ate my normal meal with her, like a normal person. Every bite killed me. I wanted to cut it into tiny pieces, I wanted to throw it away. I managed to eat half of each meal at least, and then promptly forgot to take it home with me (oops).</p>
<p>Weigh in today at 151. Great. I got fatter. Well make up for it with a better today right? Right. </p>
<p>Today:<br>
1 can of chicken noodle soup - 220 cal<br>
2 cups of coffee with almond milk - 60 Cal <br>
Total: 280</p>
<p>Better, much better. Under 500 is great, 0 is best but Oh well. We will find out tomorrow how well it worked.</p>
<p>Laters, K</p>
</div>One of Ana's Boyshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08954211741447201171noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3772924850166274747.post-59306016227541471602012-10-06T07:45:00.000-07:002012-10-06T07:45:41.638-07:00150OK, so slow on the take. Had a lot going on yesterday, and I slipped a bit. Had the friends over for game night and earlier that day I ate 2 tiny slices of pizza (stripping it down to just cheese pizza to the slight bewilderment of W). That came out to ~420 cal, yikes. Then I stayed strong most of the day, until suddenly my body decided it was food time NOW. And I wound up eating a couple pizza bones from my friends pizza they ordered. So I think I wound up under 700 definitely, maybe under 600. I hate not knowing for sure.
I hop on the scale this morning so it can tell me how good or bad my day will be, and I'm sitting at 150. Wow, that's a lot, but it's less than the 154 I was at two days ago. So once again, go me (self-high five). So today I MAY be going out to dinner with mom, but I'm not sure, haven't heard anything about it since she brought it up on Wednesday. So maybe, maybe not. *shrug*
I am super excite about November, because I will be getting back into being a Merchant of Death (life insurance). Which is a fantastic business to be in, only reason I haven't been doing it is because my Z hasn't been up. With this I am expected to make at least 60k/year and after a while will be given my own office to run (hell yeah). And if there is one thing I have learned in this world is that two things make everything better: Thinness and Money.
Laters, KOne of Ana's Boyshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08954211741447201171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3772924850166274747.post-13465809142456554862012-10-04T18:27:00.001-07:002012-10-04T18:27:59.125-07:00Not dead!<div><p>Hello all you lovlies, it's been a while hasn't it? Well you see I got a weird kind of sick soon after my last post. Felt like I had a frog in my throat non-stop and my throat was sore, white fuzz on tongue (gross). So my reaction was to stop all the diet pills, the chromium, even the vitamins.</p>
<p>Thought I had the big C, which depressed and pissed me off. Mainly because I figured if I had it then it would have to be from smoking... but I don't smoke that much, maybe a pack a day, and I haven't been smoking for very long, maybe 5 years. I know people smoking more and longer who have No problems.</p>
<p>Turns out I had bronchitis and thrush. So... Yeah. Very relieved to hear that. Took care of all that and then just felt crummy and blah for a while. I slipped on my diet, but managed to maintain my weight. Also found out through the course of getting sick and checking my temperature like 5 times a day that my normal temp is 97.5 yeah 1.1 lower than a regular human.</p>
<p>So today and last night I've just been miserably depressed, so I intensified it today by trying on old clothes. They were tight, I was almost in tears. Which of course brings us to the now.</p>
<p>Today I consumed 3 big cups of coffee with fake sweetener in it. Ate 10 baby carrots, and about half a bowl of salad with 45 Cal's of low fat balsamic vinegarette on it. So:</p>
<p>Coffee - 0 cal<br>
10 baby carrots ~20 cal<br>
Salad ~ 10 cal<br>
Dressing - 45 cal<br>
Total - 75 cal <br>
Way to go me!</p>
<p>Now we keep this up forever. I need to stay under 500 Cal to be safe. Safety in certain numbers, safety in emptiness. Control my food, control my life.</p>
<p>Laters, K</p>
</div>One of Ana's Boyshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08954211741447201171noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3772924850166274747.post-35200543607565872242012-07-15T22:24:00.001-07:002012-07-15T22:24:08.202-07:000 cal<div><p>I made some mistakes these last few days, some true fuck upset. But today was different 0 Cal's. Nothing but water and hot green tea today. Temptation running rampant and my body demanding food, I was able to control my will and go without.</p>
<p>"I'm not hungry" , "I ate after the last job" excuse after excuse. Every day needs to be like today. I need to stay strong, I have the control and the willpower. </p>
<p>Laters, K </p>
</div>One of Ana's Boyshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08954211741447201171noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3772924850166274747.post-36951872701386092212012-07-11T17:38:00.001-07:002012-07-11T17:38:42.141-07:00Got rid of fading obsession<div><p>The webring was making it hard to see this site so I disabled it. Also picked up wasted the other day. I've never read it before but always wanted to so now I finally get the chance.</p>
<p>Today was a good day, I'm down to 148 and all I had was chicken noodle soup which was a total of 200 Cal for the day. I'm finally making progress but was quite tempted by the pizza my boyfriend was eating next to me while we watched lost.</p>
<p>I'm starting to get a little wobbly when I stand up and my mind has it's moments of fogginess. Great signs, signs that I'm doing well losing weight, getting one step closer.</p>
<p>Laters, K </p>
</div>One of Ana's Boyshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08954211741447201171noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3772924850166274747.post-42698013361953947962012-07-10T18:25:00.001-07:002012-07-10T18:25:16.733-07:00Bracelet and other stuff<div><p>So I don't know why I didn't think of this before. I have been wanting to get a new Ana bracelet but couldn't find a red beaded bracelet anywhere. So I have this skull bracelet that I've had for a while.... And I'm an artist with lots of paint... So now I have a red skull Ana bracelet.</p>
<p>Also today I broke down and had a cup of Mac and cheese, 240 Cal. So thankfully it's under 500 Cal. I also got bored and bleached my hair, so now it's cray light blonde. </p>
<p>I've been watching a lot of lost great show to be distracted by, nice long series to watch and ignore the growing hunger. Although sometimes it's hard when I have my boyfriend sitting next to me eating, but it makes me feel stronger even with giving in and eating a bit.</p>
<p>Later, K </p>
</div>One of Ana's Boyshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08954211741447201171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3772924850166274747.post-44272592153525047542012-07-07T19:53:00.001-07:002012-07-07T19:53:26.787-07:00More fasting<div><p>Not too sure I can keep doing the 2468 the first two days are fine but 600-800 calories just terrifies me. I'm watching my parents place for the weekend which is a wonderful opportunity to fast. I think I'll keep it going for as long as possible. Currently I've seemed to hit a plateau which is aggravating as hell. </p>
<p>I really need to get myself down to 100 lb, I feel that is a perfect weight. It was always a perfect score on a test why not weight too. Now even with the fast going on I've been trying neuro water trim. I don't know if it'll work but I hope it does. My one friend was mentioning that he doesn't like the taste of it but I don't care about taste I just need it to work.</p>
<p>Laters, K</p>
</div>One of Ana's Boyshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08954211741447201171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3772924850166274747.post-3619247295931024042012-07-05T17:14:00.001-07:002012-07-05T17:14:28.386-07:00I miscounted<div><p>I screwed up my count today. Which is infuriating because I'm normally so good at it. I went a bit over the 800 mark today, all because of a piece of bread.<br>
Fuck bread :(</p>
<p>If I had the money I'd do the kekwick again but lucky me I have exactly $0 until Monday. Good thing gas is free.... Wait, no it isn't. I hate how my life is right now, no money, my beloved Z is still sitting at my mom's place just waiting to be put back together. </p>
<p>Once I get my Z back and get thin everything will be better. Can only go up from here right?</p>
<p>Laters, K</p>
</div>One of Ana's Boyshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08954211741447201171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3772924850166274747.post-46330477320766871382012-07-03T21:54:00.001-07:002012-07-03T21:54:59.471-07:00Still on track<div><p>Today was two veggie Turkey burgers, made of veggie tastes like Turkey it was interesting. Each Burger was on one slice of wheat bread with lots of mustard. Later I spent 30 minutes nibbling on three baby carrots.</p>
<p>So:<br>
2 veggie Turkey Burger 90 Cal each for 180<br>
2 slices of wheat bread at 80 Cal per slice for 160<br>
Mustard at a glorious 0 Cal<br>
3 baby carrots for around 10 Cal.</p>
<p>Total today: 350 cal<br>
Good day, also I started taking hydroxycut it gave me more energy and definitely fought off some hunger. Even if it doesn't by itself make weight come off the added decrease in appetite and increase in energy is well worth it.</p>
<p>I also got annoyed at my hair and took the scissors to it. I need to bleach it though. I'm still hovering at 152 but hopefully in the morning the scale will obey my wishes and drop the number down.</p>
<p>Tomorrow is 600 Cal... Anything over 500 is frightening and I don't know yet what I will eat, not really looking forward to it... And then 800 the day after, ugh.</p>
<p>Later, K</p>
</div>One of Ana's Boyshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08954211741447201171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3772924850166274747.post-25997686065614057472012-07-02T08:49:00.001-07:002012-07-02T08:49:55.038-07:00Another successful fast<div><p>It feels so good to fast. People offer up food and the amazing feeling of being able to say no while everyone else eats is just fantastic. And according to the scale this morning I'm back to 152, if I hadn't mentioned apparently I had mistook my weight and it was actually back up time 158.</p>
<p>So now I start up the 2468. Today will be two grille original veggie burgers. 100 Cal each with mustard on the since mustard is zero Cal and thus my fact condiment. Gonna come up with a plan for tomorrow, 400 Cal....</p>
<p>Laters, K</p>
</div>One of Ana's Boyshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08954211741447201171noreply@blogger.com0