Hard to start

So I did pretty well today until I got home, then I got stuck with dinner with my roommate J and D. I had a sandwich. Though I felt the effects of it right away, and it just felt awful, so my current plan was to hop out to get what I need for the Kekwick diet but I'm not so sure I'll be able to right away, so I may need to hold off until tomorrow to get the diet stuffs... I wish it weren't so hard. Also last week W noticed my arm full of cuts, but he just brushed it off so I'm not sure what he thinks puts those cuts there but he doesn't seem worried which mean he doesn't suspect me... which is good.

Terrible

Well things are going great and awful at the same time, which is the norm now for me. On the plus side I'm happily with W, have a well paying job, and I'm about to move in with W, and I'm about to have both my cars (1997 Eagle Talon & 1971 Datsun 240Z) up and ready to go... On the down side I've gained weight. The downside is about equal to all the good I've gotten so far. I've done a bit of test questions with W and sorta see if he's alright with me losing weight, so far he hasn't said anything to stop me just stuff like 'Lose what?' and 'There's nothing there to lose'. But I recently saw some pictures he took of me one night and I look just TERRIBLE!

So I need to drop at least 20 Lb. I'm looking for the perfect time to do the Kekwick diet to jump start myself into metabolism city. I'm thinking that since I'm over at his place on tuesday night into wednesday I can't do it then. And I don't work thursdays or sundays... so maybe if I do it friday, saturday, and sunday I'll be good. I can pull that off no problem, 3 days of Kekwick and I should lbe down at least 6 lb... I'll need some support tho, so let those comments roll in, I'll be able to reply now that I'm all set up at the dealership.

Also I need to get myself a new red bracelet... something physical to keep me going...

Staying on track

Slow posting I know but with working 49 hours a week it's hard to get to the computron. I'm staying nice and on track: coffee cigarettes and diet soda. W enjoys my feminine frame so that's good, but I still need to drop down the weight and keep it off forevers. Oddly I never used my facebook nearly as often as I do now heh

Boyfriend

So now W and I are officially together. Something I have wanted for a long time... Now to figure out a way to keep losing weight while trying to maintain libido, and I have no idea how. If anyone has some ideas that would be great because it's not fair for me to be able to get him off like I want to but not for him to get me off like he wants to. Not gonna stop losing weight tho... just gotta find a way to make it all work.

Motivated

I just put down $100 toward my next car (1971 Datsun 240Z). I mention this to illustrate what I want I go and get no matter what I need to do for it. Now I have to make the sales, gotta be perfect nothing less.

Keeping the calories low to nothing. No weight change but no gain. Once I get myself all the way settled in here I'm gonna hop on kekwick, boost my metabolism, and knock the weight right off my bones. Perfection because I can't accept less from myself.

Working for the darkside

Sorry I haven't been posting I just got a position in car sales and I've just been real busy most of the time. But worry not for I'm back to blogspace.

I was finally able to get back into a high pay position which I love. I enjoy not just the money but also the fact that I'm not home as much so there is much less chance for me to wind up eating. And I've gotten odd positive comments such as people thinking I'm fresh outta high school and that I'm the skinniest person they've seen... Not sure if I buy the last one but whatever.

I've been a little off with dieting but now I'll be able to go full force. Caffeine and cigs, and I can afford the macadamia nuts for doing kekwick whenever I want. Now I'll be able to hit my weight goals as well as my money goals (moving out, car, clothes, etc.)

Today I will go without food. It will be a great day.

Party

So after last night's bit of food the scales claimed I had gone up to 129 lb. I freaked, I couldn't believe it would happen so quick. I look at the scales today, 126. Nice change but still odd.

Today I was able to go completely without food, all
I had was coffee and cigs. Then I found out that instead of being stuck at home with the pressure of having to eat, there's a party going on instead. So I get out of eating and will prolly do some drinking (only because it makes me lose more weight, if it didn't I wouldn't bother). So party tonight and then tomorrow noone's gonna be home ALL DAY. So from the time I get up until I fade into bed (3-4am) I won't have to eat a bite!

I'm so excited, I may be able to get closer to my 120 goal.

subway and brinner

Last night was brinner, breakfast for dinner... I couldn't escape. Eggs, potatoes, toast, and even bacon. I had to eat so much. I did afterwards go hardcore biking for 2 hours straight and then go on another 2 hour walk... but I still hated myself. Wish I could purge.

Then today I got a 'treat' from J which was going to Subway his treat for dinner tonight. It was the only thing I had all day, but it was still a Chicken Sandwhich... I did the math: 570 for the sub (very limited stuff on it), and 130 for baked chips (my friend insisted on me getting the meal). so 700... It's ok in a way though.

Last night I binged with the brinner, so before I go full out fast I need to have a little food to wean my body off calories. So a bit today (well a lot, but at least under 1K... which still terrifies me), and then nothing for as long as possible...

Secrets and Lies

Here's another fun part of ED... you don't get to be honest anymore. Not allowed, forbidden. Hope you didn't enjoy being an honset person, because those days are now gone. Vanished, much like anything over 100 calories, meat, candy, and ice cream. Poof in a cloud of control.

Was away from home all day ith T, we stopped by McDonalds and I got the only thing conceivably healthy: Fruit and Walnut Salad. I then proceeded to eat none of it. I faked like I did, went through the motions with ease and practice. Grab a grape, hand moves up to the mouth, a quick sleight of hand puts the grape into my palm, and as I pretend to reach for another one I drop the original grape back. No eating, no loss of control, instead perfect precision and total control. Welcome to a new world, a world of lies and secrets.

The only calories consumed were from a single beer. The only reason this is allowed is because, by some crazy form of science, my body burns away my fat when I gain alchohol into my system. Though I am admittedly much more buzzed than expected from just one beer. Funny how starving yourself can work that way.

Pizza

So it's weird to me how most people can go about eating. I mean they eat breakfast lunch dinner and think nothing of it. But for me, a single slice of pizza and I feel anxious, fear and self-loathing. I hate every bit of it, and then hate myself for giving into it. I nibbled through one slice of pizza, no way out this time. I managed to explain into my day. Yesterday I had too much, now today I need to eat a little or else I'll lose it, and even now I'm fighting against a binge. Thankfully I'm currently winning this battle... this battle, that's what this life is like.

If anyone who doesn't have an ED wonders what it's like, that's it right there. A constant war. The body wants food, the self refuses, begin the fight the struggle. Every meal becomes a battle. Do I want food? No obviously not, what a crazy thing to think eating. Each bite is more calories, calories equal weight gain, weight gain goes against the goal of LOSING weight. No I don't want to eat, and if you do take a bite or have a slice of pizza then the true battle begins.

The body figures you're done starving yourself now and it's time to eat. Finally, it thinks to itself, finally I can regain the lost nurishment and get back some energy. No, you cry out inside your mind, no we will not eat anymore. That's enough you got a bite, a piece, a slice. That's it, the end, fin.

But the feelings rise, the cravings and desires. Now the body wants more, the stomache grumbling with anticipation. Everything that could be food seems more and more appealing. The battle is here, eat or don't eat. Gain or loss. I want to lose weight, so I choose not to eat. I will win this battle damnable body... I will win. You had your piece now leave me alone.

Party

So I wound up at a friend's birthday party last night. Through the course of it I was forced to eat a burger (which I later got even angrier at since they apparently had veggie burgers but didn't say anything). I was in a terrible mood the rest of the night. I drank some beer and after getting home took a walk. The whole night smoking like I was winning a prize. This morning I wake to find my weight at 127.

The science behind this baffles me...

Day 2

Another successful fast today. No food, no calories. Coffee and cigarettes. Close call at dinner since mom got chinese food. I was tempted but instead got some of it, took it into the sunoom, then since mom was in the living room, I threw it out into an outside garbage can. I felt much better for getting rid of the food.

It makes sense to throw out the food anyway, even if you eat it it'll still get disposed of, and if you eat it it'll only last you a few moments of pleasure before you start regretting ever having even looked at the food. Bleh. I got the dizzies and I'm exhausted... maybe I can sleep tonight...

Also I apprently finally got below 130... not by much but I'm at 129 as of this afternoon.

0 cal day

No food today. Had a close call at dinner, mom made hamburger helper. I was worried we would be eating at the table, but instead it was a 'grab and go' meal, so I loaded up a bowl headed into the living room with J, and played my PSP for a little bit keeping the bowl nearby until I dumped it into the kitchen garbage after a few minutes. It feels good knowing that while my life is shit right now at least I control what goes into my body.

And today that was nothing but coffee and cigarettes... the smoke not the rest of it. I also got a bit of the dizzies later on which I love. So at lesat food wise it was a good day. Though in a few days I do run into a problem: my friend C is having his birthday celebration and having a barbeque get together. My current plan is to see about getting a salad (my friends know I'm a vegetarian) and maybe nibbling a bit on a piece of lettuce or two.

I just need to make sure tomorrow is like today: No food.

Crushed again

I didn't get the job... or any job I've applied for. My bank account was shut down, I don't have any unemployment coming in even though I'm doing the claims it's getting bogged down in the offices. No job, no money... I don't know how I'm going to pay for the loan again my car (which is 19 days past due), I don't know how I'm gonna pay for insurance on the car (which of course if I don't keep I lose my car to the bank). I have a site up and running (barely) that I won't be able to pay for....

The other day I slept for 12 hours straight... because I couldn't come up with a reason worth getting up for until I had to take care of the dogs... I'm running out of options and losing all hope.

My weight still won't drop below 130, though I have stopped being hungry since I can't afford food anyway... I'm close to just giving up.

Melatonin and green tea

So I've started taking some melatonin to try and sleep... seeing as its 12:27 and I'm wide awake I suppose it's not working too well. But I've also started getting some green tea pills to help burn off some of this terrible fat. Yet I remain at 130 lb... grrr.... Still trying to get a job, though things are looking good for a position selling cars.... yeah kinda like being a member of the darkside but also last time I sold cars I was able to make at least $1K a week at times, also I was at my previous thinnest and I'll do it again to get back to it. Anything.

can't sleep

so here I am on the blog. Yeah I'm bad at keeping the consistency with it all. Apologies. I've just been getting to the level of depression where I can't find a reason to drag myself over to the computer...

Everything sucks right now. I still have no job, no money, and I have to pay for a loan against my Talon as well as the insurance.. I have no gas money which I need so I can go get a job. And noone is willing to lend me some money for gas.

I seem forever stuck in the 130 area, right now at 133. I just wanna drop it down to 100 or less. I have admittedly thought about doing certain things.. but I pull myself back from doing anything... permanent. I just hope my situation improves soon... because right now my life isn't worth living...

Desperation

Hello dear readers and bliggy bloggers. Your humble narroator is indeed still around, just frazzled and bear wits end. My beloved car is up and running, I had obtained a job with the census that only lasted a month, and now I search non-stop for a real job. One that will last more than one month.

I've been applying at car dealerships for the money and fact that I had a job at one before that helped me drop down to my previous lowest weight. I have also been working on paintings and drawings and yes they will be posted for thee to viddy once I get the chance.

Unfortunately I also went lax in my dieting and rose back to the weight of 134, which I plan to do something about. Being poor does definately assist with dieting: no money for food.

Plans in action

So let's see, yesterday... Yesterday was the first time in quite a while that I hid food during dinner. Dinner was the only meal I had to eat, and it was roast beef and carrots and potatos. So I took a small bit of carrots and potatos smashed up the potatos to make it look like more, and then every forkfull of the beef went quickly to my hand then lap. Nothing like misusing the sleight of hand I learned for my own goals. I had like 5 of the baby carrots and a tiny amount of potato, then threw it all away. I was proud of myself... I'm not 100% sure that I should have been, I mean it's pretty odd when you think about it... hiding food and all... but par for the course here.

Today I managed to get away from eating all together which at first I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do. But instead of being stuck at home with nothing to do but dread the arrival of dinner, BR called up and offered going to the movies and hanging out, and let me tell you I jumped on that opportunity right away. A slight snag with lunch, but it was quickly dismissed by telling him that I had a big breakfast and wasn't hungry because of it. And then I skipped out right when he was going to have dinner at his place which is 2 hours after dinner at my place allowing me to say I ate at BR's and avoid dinner completely. What I did have a lot of though was Diet Amp and Diet Green Tea, no cals and the green tea sped up my metabolism maybe just a bit but every little ounce helps.

I haven't had the chance to get on the scale yet though gotta wait a bit longer for that, and I was rushed out of the house today so I couldn't do it in the morning... which upset me a LOT. But soon I'll hop on and see if there was any change... please let there be change... let me have dropped even one pound... just let me see my work paying off for me.

But of course....

Well as it would of course turn out, I manage to go through two whole days in the greatest of zero caloric fashion only to have it all snuffed at the last minute. I assisted with the moving of two friends into their new apartment, and by the end after all got sweaty and exhausted and whilst I sipped upon my Diet Pepsi Max in walks the parents of my friend S carrying with them three pizza's. Obviously Your Humble Narrator attempted to get away from this. But of course lacking a car as a quick get-away I was unable to escape, and saying I wasn't hungry was smashed to itty-bits as it was brought up that they had viddied YHN having not even a malenky bit of food the whole of the night and day before.

On the plus side (for without a plus side and silver lining I would have snuffed it myself by now) my weight remains unchanged at 128. Thus maintaining me being at almost my lowest weight ever recorded by myself and/or others (not that I quite viddy in my gulliver that others keep as thorough track and record as I do, but who knows with all the weirdos like out there). Thankfully in the morn and all of tomorrow I should be able to avoid having to eat.

To my body (which grumbled and rumbled and made awful gurgling sounds at not to me) I say there you go, you got your food now let me keep on starving. 128... only 8 more pounds to gain my first goal of 120, then 10 more down to 110, then we strive more towards 100... Then of course... do I continue into the double digits? Will my body and mind and spirit hold out? Perfection wouldn't be worth attaining if it was easy.

Good day after so much failure

Today I had a very satisfying 0 cals! I'm glad I was able to stay strong, there were a couple times that I was tempted. At the gas station with their snacks, at dinner since it was J's day for cooking but thankfully he didn't feel like doing anything fancy so we wound up with burgers and fries. I got myself a burger, some fries, went into the living room, and at first chance threw it all away.

I'm at 129 now. As of a few minutes ago anyway. Diet Coke all day. Now tomorrow should continue the trend as I will be hanging out with B to go see Kickass at the popcorn stadium, and there will be many a temptation O my brothers and sisters. But fear not for your Humble Narrator shall viddy the snackiwacks and malenky treats and satisfy Himself with a simple Diet Pop and continue to slooshy forth unto the film. I will have 0 cal tomorrow, I've regained my strength... And I won't let go.

Another setback

So I've done fairly well lately dropped down to 131 mostly due to stomachs aches and my recent constant feelings of being full after only a small bit of food when I'm made to eat. Today I planned on a zero cal day and Instead was unable to get out of eating a slice of pizza. Tho other than that one slice I was able to avoid calories the rest of the day and soon will be going on a walk for a couple miles which will help to burn the calories I did have to take in today.

Still no car as my mechanic had been unable to get to my place but we do have it down to the problem being In the timing. So hopefully by next week my talon will be back up and running allowing me to escape the house by myself. Until then keep on wrangling you wranglers

...

So and friend and I are trying to get into my house today, the sliding door is open just a bit I could get most of me but my ribcage in... so he says to stand back and he'll try since he's thinner than me. He still didn't make it but now I feel incredibly aweful. I just wanna die am I really that fat? I mean I know I'm bigger than I wanna be and I need to lose weight but I didn't think I would be getting comments on it. Well that means that I need to drop from the current 137 down to 100. My stomache has been feeling weird lately and I've at times been in some pretty good pain, I can use that as an excuse still to eat less since I do usually feel full after even the littlest bit of food. I'm gonna have to kick that up even more. Now I have a refueled need to lose weight. I think the worst part is he knows I have issues with me weight.....

Misnomers and laziness in the life of a Starving Artist

So many of my posts lately begin with my appy Polly loggies for not posting enough, so screw that. I'm gonna start to post whatever is on my mind whether or not I've been a good Ana and lost weight. So that means you, O my lovelies, get to read more ofmy stream of thought.

So yeah lately I've had non stop bad days, I'm at 142 and it feels like I'll never be thin and that depresses me more everyday. What I need to do is like get just a salad when my friends go to cici's instead of buying into the whole I'll get what I paid for mindset.

Blech, also in the way of misnomers I have still yet to put any of my art up here... Maybe i'm afraid someone will recognize me from my art... Maybe I'm just really narcicistic... Hmm but how can I be in love with myself if I hate myself so much.

So yes, expect my artwork to soon dreadfully and tactlessly adorn this blog. And as far as my car since there are those out there ever so curious: long story short my engine had issues I was unaware of, but now a bunch of parts and three tear downs and rebuilds later (damn bloody well be the last rebuild) I will soon have my baby Tiamat (1997 Eagle Talon) back on the road. YAYs!!!

And now to leave with a quote:
"I dreamt I was a butterfly though I did not realize I was dreaming. When I woke I was I and not the butterfly. This makes me wonder... am I a man dreaming of being a butterfly or a butterfly dreaming I am a man. For you see in the end they have the same cause and effect and there is no real difference."

Needs

Ugh... I hate this all. Stuck in my parents' place even with two friends as roomates it's not the same. AND my car is STILL down, sitting in the garage with it's engine strewn hither and tither. Not to mention the biggest thing of all: I can't get away from eating!

GAH it's like no matter how hard I work at it I get stuck eating at least one or two meals a day. Once I can move out (even with friends as roomies) I'll be able to eat WHEN and IF I want (which truthfully is to say rarely) but whatever, why can't it be MY choice if I eat?! Why does such a simple and important decision not get to be left up to me, doesn't it make sense for it to be my choice to eat, instead of HAVING to eat because that's what everyone else does.

Namely I can't stand that my weight is currently hovering between the high 130's and low 140's, it's gotta get lower 110, 100, 90, somewhere DECENT.

Blech

Yep, I know I haven't been on by bliggity-blog or my witty-twitter for a while. Mostly been out of it and lots going on at the home. All in all things are going a mix of good and awful around here, but not gonna get into that at the moment, maybe will after all the dust has cleared. Mostly I've been upset with myself, having a day or two that I eat little or nothing, and then pigging out... my weight hasn't changed through it all which is bewildering and infuriating.

Thankfully today I'm here at the college so I will be able to go it all without the use of food, helped out by a delightfully creepy energy drink I found. It's called Blood Energy potion and it's actually in a blood bag like you would use on an IV drip. 25 calories (which is more than my usual 0 from diet stuff), but it's all vitamins and stuff... and 55% of the Iron a person gets from a "normal" 2K calorie diet (frightening), what that means for me is that I'll actually start getting some ot the stuff I know I should be getting to help with my weight-loss... I'm always just too damn lazy to actually take vitamins regularly... Eh, well I should be posting more so hop back and view what I've been up to with my miserable life.

Been a while

Yeah it has... Bleh... So of course since I had done so well with W it would stand to reason that it would all go up in a blaze of self-hate. Had to go out to Pittsburg with mom again only we wound up being stuck out there for an extra day, an extra day of eating, an extra day of annoyance and hate.

So I get back home, check my weight... Up to 142. My arm and leg still hurt from the cuts, and tonight isn't going to be much better. Stuck eating at home and although it wasn't the most calorific unhealthy mess ever (club sandwhich salad) it was still way more than I shouldve had. So this will of course be another night of cutting.

My mood always seems to go down hardcore at night, especially on a day that I ate. And, though I hate to admit it, on a night of intense cutting I wonder if maybe I'll just bleed out... Like maybe I accidently managed to hit a main vein on a cut that was deeper than I meant it to be or something similar... Then I lie there in a cloud of feelings ranging fro
sad to angry to hopeful I wonder if maybe I won't wake up... And I'm never sure if I really want to...

Intimacy

Tonight was a good night and day, no food just cigs and diet soda. What was really good tho was the intimate times with W, albeit I hated having to lie about the cuts and scars (which I merely said were mistakes so not exactly a lie). Also I'm down an additional 2 lb bringing me to 134. So I'm getting closer and I'm sure the time in bed with W helped to burn quite a few calories heh heh.

And now I'm exhausted from a very good and tiring day so off the the magical land of sleep, night all.

0 cal

Today went well, fixed my screw up not so much yesterday but today definately. Yesterday I went most of the day with diet drinks and no food until dinner when I had to eat veal (ugh not just meat but baby cow). And somehow I lost a pound from that, not sure how but no complaint here.

Today I was able to go through the day on diet coke, diet amp, cigarettes, and headache pills. I'm hoping that with this I see a bit of change in my weight. I made a promise today to a friend that I woudn't cut, and since I cut in response to eating that means tonight no new slices will be going on my arm or leg.

I also took a few assessment tests yesterday and it turns out that according to them I either have or am at great risk of having an eating disorder, OCD, and anxiety... Go figure, kinda par for the course.

Screw up

So here I am doing pretty decently, managed to lose a few pounds doing better with my eating and all. But apparently I'm incapable of keeping this up for any realamount of time as displayed today in my inability to get away from eating Chinese dinner tonight. I should have said I already ate, but D was with me all day and might have called me out on it. Conversely I could have eaten a bite or two and said I would eat the rest later.

But no not me. Instead I dug in like a pig and gave in to my hunger like a fatass. I managed to stop myself about half way through it but I still ate too much. Which makes sense since I'm a fatass weak minded loser. And then I started think "fuck! I should purge!"

Now I've never been able to purge I just can't manage to get myself too, probably a good thing too since I know it's a slippery slope. And I didn't purge since as just stated I can't manage to make myself do it. Ugh...

Speaking of D, on Saturday we did a... Lethal level of drinking, which is just fine by me since for some reason alchohol makes me lose weight. However, while absurdly drunk I decided it would be a great idea (read as terrible idea) to break down in front of D and tell him about my eating problems and show him the cuts on my leg.

Today he said we should get a bite to eat and made it a point to tell me I could get as little as i want or nothing. So good side: he's not trying to stop me. Bad side: he now knows what I'm doing and I feel aweful having him see me in this new light. Awful enough to stop? No. But still awful, and I'm not sure how that itself makes me feel. Am I really so deep into this that I'm willing to put a friend through this? Apparently yes, because I'm a terrible friend and person.

Last night tonight Tada

Last night I was forced into pizza eating, I had way too much ... Just gave in. Today tho I've stayed strong avoiding all eating and existing on cigarettes, coffee, and headache pills. Fun stuff.

Tonight J is making stirfry which I should be able to get a bowl of and hide off to the side. I WILL stay strong, no options.

Lost weight

Yesterday ended shaky but good, a bunch of us went to see avatar, I manages to get through the whole experience with only diet soda so that went well even though the whole night was filled with temptation left and right but I managed to stay strong through it all.

Before bed I weighed in at 141 and this morning it changed to 140 so clearly I'm losing weight though I don't feel any thinner. Today should be fine except I don't see a way out of meatloaf for dinner tonight so I'll aim for smaller portion. Gah I hate not being able to get away from eating.

Better day

So far today has been diet soda and one slice of pizza that I couldn't avoid, otherwise I've been cleaning, chatting, smoking, and avoiding food at all costs. My scale told me I lost some weight but scales are terrible dirty liars and as much as I rely on it to tell me if I'll have a good or bad day I hate it intensely.

End of day

So I make it all through the day, no food low cal drinks and then J decides he's taking me out for Chinese. FUCK!!!

So I had to eat a plate and a half though I went with food that I knew would fill me up and drank plenty of diet coke. Still I hate these situations that I can't get out of with eating, fuxk can't I have say over at least THIS part of my life?!

The whole time I was considering purging but I couldn't bring myself to, mostly because someone would hear me. Tomorrow should be better, if we go out to eat it'll be small salads an diet soda for me, only problem is dinner not ire what to do about that. I need to find a way to get away from dinner or at least hide my food which I never did before (alway ran away from dinner when possible until my car went down tho that shouldn't be a problem for long).

Doing good so far

So far today I've gone with diet soda, 3 cups of coffee with sweetener in it and one cup of starbucks skinny cinammon dolce latte. I'm doing good so far I just need to keep this up Friday I plan on meeting up with W and I need to look my best.

Salads

Today has gone well I've gone all day on one salad and two diet amps, also plenty of cigarettes. I'm tired of feeling like I'm living in a fat suit, I feel so disgusting and hate myself more than ever. I need to stop slacking and follow my vegetarian diet much closer. What I need is a buddy to help me stay on track even though admitedly I hate asking for help, but I clearly need the help now if I ever plan to get thin.

FML

So apparently I'm strong enough to go all day without food, and nothing except coffee, diet energy drinks, and cigarettes... and then we went to B's and I had to eat chinese food, I didn't have much but I hate myself for it. What I need to do is get back onto the Kekwick for the full three days of it, only problem is friends and family and having to eat dinner here. It'll be a lot easier when my car is back up on the road. Then I can just head out whenever I want and either drive around randomly or go over to W's... that'll be interesting since it's been a while since I last saw him, and I just KNOW that I gained weight and look all ugly and fat... ugh... FML...

TANK GIRL

whoo tank girl, and we gotted tanked, whee. I hate my fucking life, ugly, fat, ah well a bit of drinking helps calm the edges, now I gotta draw. Maybe one day I won't be fat, god I hate this. Here I am online because I can't even consider conferring to my close friends of all that's fucked up in my life. I get the impression that my friends think I'm egotistical and confident, ambitious, well adjusted... ish. Instead I hate myself and wish I could trade bodies with someone else like EVERY DAY!!! gah, is that fucked up??? I think it's fucked up, can't even be compfy in my own body, my own brain, my own twisted LIFE!!! FUCK IT, I'm stumbling over to the couch to draw, play video games, watch TV, and DRINK!!! No order, all at once.... MAYBE?!

steps forward and back

Why does it always seem like every time I make a malenky bit of progress I get my gulliver beat in and I drop back a bit?! Did pretty good today, lot of time on Wii Fit, nothing but cigarettes and coffee through the day. Then I get stuck having fishsticks and homefries for dinner, no way out either. I fucking hate it. I feel like everything I do just isn't worth it, isn't making a difference... I gotta keep trying though, I will reach my goals.

Fear and loathing of weight

Sorry I almost never post, mostly because I don't feel like it's worth it unless I actually accomplish something instead of failing non-stop. Also I've decided to set up a Twitter account, I feel if i'm sending up info nonstop I'll be more able to keep on track.

Last night was good and bad, the good is that J picked up wii fit plus, the great thing about is that you can set up routines to target specific aspects. So I'm working on hips, tummy, and lots of fat burning routines. The bad was later on as I was going to bed and was up most of the night thinking of how much I hate my body and weight and how ugly I am. I hate feeling like this but maybe these thoughts will also help motivate me.

Well anyway if anyone is interested my Twitter is Twitter.com/oneofanasboys check it out if you wish.