Yeah it has... Bleh... So of course since I had done so well with W it would stand to reason that it would all go up in a blaze of self-hate. Had to go out to Pittsburg with mom again only we wound up being stuck out there for an extra day, an extra day of eating, an extra day of annoyance and hate.
So I get back home, check my weight... Up to 142. My arm and leg still hurt from the cuts, and tonight isn't going to be much better. Stuck eating at home and although it wasn't the most calorific unhealthy mess ever (club sandwhich salad) it was still way more than I shouldve had. So this will of course be another night of cutting.
My mood always seems to go down hardcore at night, especially on a day that I ate. And, though I hate to admit it, on a night of intense cutting I wonder if maybe I'll just bleed out... Like maybe I accidently managed to hit a main vein on a cut that was deeper than I meant it to be or something similar... Then I lie there in a cloud of feelings ranging fro
sad to angry to hopeful I wonder if maybe I won't wake up... And I'm never sure if I really want to...