Monday, August 2, 2010

Pizza

So it's weird to me how most people can go about eating. I mean they eat breakfast lunch dinner and think nothing of it. But for me, a single slice of pizza and I feel anxious, fear and self-loathing. I hate every bit of it, and then hate myself for giving into it. I nibbled through one slice of pizza, no way out this time. I managed to explain into my day. Yesterday I had too much, now today I need to eat a little or else I'll lose it, and even now I'm fighting against a binge. Thankfully I'm currently winning this battle... this battle, that's what this life is like.

If anyone who doesn't have an ED wonders what it's like, that's it right there. A constant war. The body wants food, the self refuses, begin the fight the struggle. Every meal becomes a battle. Do I want food? No obviously not, what a crazy thing to think eating. Each bite is more calories, calories equal weight gain, weight gain goes against the goal of LOSING weight. No I don't want to eat, and if you do take a bite or have a slice of pizza then the true battle begins.

The body figures you're done starving yourself now and it's time to eat. Finally, it thinks to itself, finally I can regain the lost nurishment and get back some energy. No, you cry out inside your mind, no we will not eat anymore. That's enough you got a bite, a piece, a slice. That's it, the end, fin.

But the feelings rise, the cravings and desires. Now the body wants more, the stomache grumbling with anticipation. Everything that could be food seems more and more appealing. The battle is here, eat or don't eat. Gain or loss. I want to lose weight, so I choose not to eat. I will win this battle damnable body... I will win. You had your piece now leave me alone.

5 comments:

Violet said...

Wow, exactly.

3 meals a day? I must have done it once, but I don't know how.

Analise said...

I did three meals a day for 8 months. It was hell. I just tried to ignore what I was putting in my body. I did that until I couldn't any more.

The battle is constant. My body is weak and I am strong. I am stronger.

But it's nice to know I'm not alone.

One of Ana's Boys said...

I can't do three meals a day myself, it's way too much of an overload for me. Even back when I was 'normal'...ish, never really been normal. But even back then I never ate breakfast, and only ate half my dinner... and skipped lunch to save up the money for other stuff.... so yeah looks like I may have had an eating disorder for longer than I thought.

One of Ana's Boys said...

I can't do three meals a day myself, it's way too much of an overload for me. Even back when I was 'normal'...ish, never really been normal. But even back then I never ate breakfast, and only ate half my dinner... and skipped lunch to save up the money for other stuff.... so yeah looks like I may have had an eating disorder for longer than I thought.

Anonymous said...

This is just amazing. I've never read something that expressed this so well. Thank you so much.