So here I am doing pretty decently, managed to lose a few pounds doing better with my eating and all. But apparently I'm incapable of keeping this up for any realamount of time as displayed today in my inability to get away from eating Chinese dinner tonight. I should have said I already ate, but D was with me all day and might have called me out on it. Conversely I could have eaten a bite or two and said I would eat the rest later.
But no not me. Instead I dug in like a pig and gave in to my hunger like a fatass. I managed to stop myself about half way through it but I still ate too much. Which makes sense since I'm a fatass weak minded loser. And then I started think "fuck! I should purge!"
Now I've never been able to purge I just can't manage to get myself too, probably a good thing too since I know it's a slippery slope. And I didn't purge since as just stated I can't manage to make myself do it. Ugh...
Speaking of D, on Saturday we did a... Lethal level of drinking, which is just fine by me since for some reason alchohol makes me lose weight. However, while absurdly drunk I decided it would be a great idea (read as terrible idea) to break down in front of D and tell him about my eating problems and show him the cuts on my leg.
Today he said we should get a bite to eat and made it a point to tell me I could get as little as i want or nothing. So good side: he's not trying to stop me. Bad side: he now knows what I'm doing and I feel aweful having him see me in this new light. Awful enough to stop? No. But still awful, and I'm not sure how that itself makes me feel. Am I really so deep into this that I'm willing to put a friend through this? Apparently yes, because I'm a terrible friend and person.