Monday, January 25, 2010

Screw up

So here I am doing pretty decently, managed to lose a few pounds doing better with my eating and all. But apparently I'm incapable of keeping this up for any realamount of time as displayed today in my inability to get away from eating Chinese dinner tonight. I should have said I already ate, but D was with me all day and might have called me out on it. Conversely I could have eaten a bite or two and said I would eat the rest later.

But no not me. Instead I dug in like a pig and gave in to my hunger like a fatass. I managed to stop myself about half way through it but I still ate too much. Which makes sense since I'm a fatass weak minded loser. And then I started think "fuck! I should purge!"

Now I've never been able to purge I just can't manage to get myself too, probably a good thing too since I know it's a slippery slope. And I didn't purge since as just stated I can't manage to make myself do it. Ugh...

Speaking of D, on Saturday we did a... Lethal level of drinking, which is just fine by me since for some reason alchohol makes me lose weight. However, while absurdly drunk I decided it would be a great idea (read as terrible idea) to break down in front of D and tell him about my eating problems and show him the cuts on my leg.

Today he said we should get a bite to eat and made it a point to tell me I could get as little as i want or nothing. So good side: he's not trying to stop me. Bad side: he now knows what I'm doing and I feel aweful having him see me in this new light. Awful enough to stop? No. But still awful, and I'm not sure how that itself makes me feel. Am I really so deep into this that I'm willing to put a friend through this? Apparently yes, because I'm a terrible friend and person.


Rhianna said...

I can totally relate...a few ppl knew i had problems when i was in high school and some ppl i work with know now...i wish i'd never slipped up and told some or let them figure it out coz they never treat me the same round food again...its also to blame for my break up with my bf...least D is a sweetheart and understands and wont push you.

Good luck, hope 2moz is a better day for you!!


Ana's Girl said...

Aw, i'm sorry. I've been doing the same kind of thing all my life; i do well for a while and then screw up. It's horrid, especially since i've never been able to make myself purge either.
You're not a terrible person for the situation with D. You've got to look out for yourself and get yourself what you want; you can't give so much of yourself that you're unhappy.
Hang in there, sweetheart. It's not how many times you fall down that matters; it's how many times you pick yourself back up.

Mina Belle said...

Ugh I totally get how you feel on that one. I made one of my best friends start crying when I told her I'm not going to stop striving for ana and I'm just not going to be comfortable enough to eat more than 500 calories and just be okay with it.

BTW I can't really purge either. I've only been able to do it 3 times since I decided to let ana take control. Mia is sorta the girl I used one to many times back in the day so now she won't come near me.

However, when I'm desparate, a spoonful of mustard and a very very very large glass of saltwater can usually help it work but I don't reccommend it.

You're alright dear, just keep striving!
Mina Belle

ghostmango said...

I don't think you're a terrible person at all. <3

Love ya.

オテモヤン said...
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Wry Sparrow said...

An even more slippery slope is breaking down when drunk and telling friends. My friend watches me all the time now and I hate it! I'm the same way with loosing weight after drinking a lot.
Tomorrow you will be strong, tomorrow you will prove yourself. If you can't purge...maybe a laxative?