Visiting

Yesterday went fairly well, no food all day. At night mom made some kind of chicken which I had to grab a piece of, thankfully I was able to just nibble on it and in all have maybe half a bite.

Today though I was stuck. BR and I went to visit our friend. While there I was unable to get out of eating a chicken sandwhich. It felt terrible... I hate this, I'm going to new York on saturday with friends and I'm so fat that I'm not even going to look good in the clothes I wanna wear. Thankfully tomorrow and Friday I should be able to pull off the kekwick diet, that'll at least drop off at least 4 lb. Still too fat and ugly but maybe I'll be able to get by with my look.

I just dunno. When I look at food i'm thinking about it for like half an hour before I can even try eating it. I mean I kinda want to eat, I just can't bring myself to it. How do other people do it? I mean what do they think about when they see food?

back on track

Magnesium Citrate... my own little magic potion. I had too much food this weekend, I was a bit desperate and know what works. I downed the whole bottle with plenty of water... and then the rest was up to my body and science. Now that the weekend is over I can get myself back on track, I started today.

While working with BR we went to Subway. I ordered a turkey sub, no cheese, no dressing, plenty of odd looks (so what if I wanna lose weight and eat non-fatty stuff), I nibbled a bit on it as well as a Baked potato chip. The only problem arose when BR asked me if I was done, he noticed saying that it looked like I only took two bites out of my sub. So while he was looking away I tore most of it off and threw it away. There... now it looks like I ate... happy?

Later on my mom decided to make some meatloaf, I was able to dodge around all night to avoid it (thankfully we aren't a sit at the table kinda family, especially with J living here). Only once did J mention that we should get food, thankfully I was able to dodge that just fine. The worst part came while I was in the living room watching House, aparently my sister and another live-in TO decided to bake cookies. TO walked in and handed me a cookie... and there I sat holding it, shaking a bit. I wanted so bad to just eat it, and yet I was terrified to. After half and hour of watching House holding the cookie (breaking it into little pieces in case I gave in and ate it) I threw it in the garbage and walked out for a cigarette... I felt terrified and angry at the cookie... kinda felt stupid for being so angry at a cookie.

I probably wasn't angry at the cookie, just the idea of eating and getting fatter and fatter... especially after my mom said that my face was looking less drawn out and sick, that I looked healthier, which she immediately followed by saying that I didn't look big at all just healthy... If only she knew that to me healthy IS fat. I don't care about being healthy, hell I don't wanna grow old and wrinkly and grey anyway... I just wanna be thin, perfect, small... is it so wrong to aim for this?

Binge

I binged today... I hated myself all day too. Pizza, soup, some pastries... I haven't weighed in yet but I imaging it'll be listing me in the 140's. I hate this after so much work and losing weight I fuck it all up with all this food. The only possible plus side is that it'll charge up my metabolism, which I honestly doubt. I can't see it getting charged up that much. But now at least I know I can do better, I can and will go for a few days without food, or at most under 500 cal.

God I'm such a failure...

last two days

I was lazy and didn't get around to posting these last two days... well lazy and ashamed. On wednesday I had a small chicken wrap that left my weight unchanged, and yesterday I had to have chinese buffet with a bunch of friends... and according to my scale I've gone up 3 lb. I hate myself for all this eating, and I plan on doing nothing but exercise today, I've gotta get this weight off... I'm so far from perfect...

Work

Yesterday while working with BR we went to subway where I got away with nibbling on one potato chip (low fat) and a few nibbles out of a 6" veggie sub. With no other cals going in me for the rest of the day. I wound up losing 1 lb.

So far today i've had nothing except diet amp to keep my energy up. I'm not hungry at all, it's weird because the last few times I tried to get back on track it was my hunger that thwarted me and now I can just keep fasting or having under 100 cal and be fine... It's wonderful.

Weekend summary

Yesterday I had 2 pancakes and a ton of coffee, yet with that I maintained my weight. Thankfully though today I was able to go all day with nothing but coffee and cigs. If all works out best tomorrow I'll be able to do another 0 cal day, but I work with BR and he will probably want to go for lunch... Thankfully neither of us has any real amount of money, so we may end up heading to his place for lunch which will make it easier for me to hide my lack of eating.

I wonder what it's like for all those "normal" people to be able to look at food without seeing only calories and fat, to sit down and eat a meal without crying later hating what you did, to be able to walk by a scale without feeling the urge to weigh themselves or by a window and not stop to look at how much they need to lose...

I can't understand it at all. Yeah I gained some weight back and everyday I still felt the same and hated myself more the more weight I gained. Am I gonna love myself through my weightloss? I don't think so but at least I'll be thin...

B's place

Keep in mind that for me it's not a new day till I sleep and wake up... so it's still Friday.

Today I had no food, the slight problem being that I was at a restaurant with B and C. I had coffee telling them I wasn't hungry. Spent the rest of the night with them until we took C home at 2ish.

I'm spending the night here... First off how cam B and E not have a scale?! I'm freaking out because I can't weigh myself. Secondly, I have no doubt that B will want breakfast in the morning, he knows I didn't eat dinner (doesn't know I also didn't eat breakfast or lunch) so how am I gonna pull off going with him to a restaurant in the morning and only getting coffee? And if he doesn't wonder then he certainly will when I refuse other food since I won't really have a way to toss it out here...

I didn't eat and yet I'm still crying, still sad, still pissed at myself for being so fat and ugly, I hope he doesn't hear me cry I'm too tired to come up with an excuse for my tears and sobs...

Grrr

So I WAS having a good day of just diet soda and no food till about 4pm when a friend who doesn't know my past decided it was time to eat telling me he was buying me food, 2 slices of pizza there though the college has surprisingly healthy pizza and I found that it's about 150 cal a slice. But when I got home I was greeted with more pizza of which I was forced to have 1 slice. Got I hate this so much. Next two days no matter what I'm not eating

Latte

Today has gone pretty good, no food was involved with my friends though we did wind up at a coffee shop and I had a skim milk latte. I'm not home and haven't seen a scale yet so I'm not sure how my weight has changed, though with my luck I probably gained 5 lb. On the plus side we went for another long walk before and after so hopefully the latte didn't do too much harm to my weight, but I'm still terrified...

Post labor day

In the end we had a small cook-out, with me doing the grilling. I enjoyed this since I was in perfect control of what I made for myself, which was one hotdog.. Of which I ate about half of before tossing it.

This morning my scales claimed I had neither gained nor lost weight from yesterday, upsetting but not terrible. So far today has been diet energy drinks (to jeep me going) and cigarettes. The best part is I don't even feel hungry, which will make it easier later on to refuse any food.

Labor day

I have like no sense of most holidays, except x-mas, thanksgiving, and my favorite Halloween. But any way, apparently the scales have changed their minds over night as I'm apparently at 137 now.

So far today I've had nothing but diet green tea, telling BR that I'm just not hungry. I'm sure there are plans for some food at home and my plan for that is to say that I ate with BR so I'm still stuffed. Should work... I hope.

Back to 139

Today didn't go all too well. At lunch J decided it was hotdog time and made us both two hotdogs. I wound up eating one of mine since he was watching but first chance I got I threw the other one away. So 260 cal there.

For dinner my mom made sone big lasagna for everyone. J and I ate in his room, where I kept my plate off to the side while playing on his computer, I ate one bite and as sooncas I could threw out the rest. Dunno how many cal are in that one bite.

I just weighed myself and I'm back up to 139. I did drink a few cans of nob-diet soda bur it's never affected me before. well from now on only diet soda, black coffee, and water for drinking. I can't stand myself for gaining a pound like that. Maybe it's still from the pizza yesterday?

Tomorrow I work with BR, and he's gonna want to go out for lunch probably, though if I can convince him to have us eat at his place I can say I don't feel like having any of what he has there, I dunno... Just upset and depresses now...

Hate myself...

I wound having to eat 2 slices of some super fatty Pizza Hut pizza... I hate myself so much, no food all day and then this eating. I feel so weak, so pathetic, so fat. Not home yet so I haven't weighed myself but I probably gained a ton of weight.

Afterward we all went on a long walk through a bit of the city we are in, but the whole time I was on the verge of tears, at one point J asked if I was ok and I came up with an excuse, they would never understand how I feel about myself and eating... I still felt horrible, I just hate myself.

138

So I dropped another pound from yesterday, an ok change but it needs to be more. So far today I've been able to avoid food, on the way to B's place me and J stopped for breakfast at a convenience store, I browsed the food looking thoughtful and hiding my dread of it all. My friend made a good and bad comment to me after I claimed I wasn't hungry: he said "if you aren't hungry I'm not gonna force you to eat."

Possibly the worst thing for him to say to me, and I plan to use it to my best ability to avoid eating today, though he may get suspicious...

A small bit of food

So we wound up going to my roommate's parent's place (gonna call him J) and I wound up having 290 cals from one hot pocket that he made for me and basically forced onto me. So all in all it was more than I wanted to have but I can deal with a day under 300 cals.

Tomorrow me and friends including J play a game and I will be at B's apartment, they will prolly wind up getting food, so I'll be eating a salad at most as long as noone gets too suspicious, which shouldn't happen because only J and BR knows a bit of my food issues. I'll make tomorrow a good day somehow

139???

So the chinese buffet happened of course. Afterward I was furious at myself but I did my best to hide my iritation, still wound up cutting myself pretty bad. And then I wake up to find that somehow I actually lost a pound. I'm bewildered confused and in a better mood because of it.

So far I've had nothing but some diet soda today, not sure if my roommate plans on having us go out tonight or not. If he does I'm gonna play my vegetarian card hardcore, if not then I'll finally get a 0 cal day, I've been needing one badly.

140

Well after doing really good at the college with no intake except doer coke, I got home with my roommate who decided we should have a pizza. The good thing is that I was able to cut the pizza (which thankfully wasn't to big), so I had him get like 70% of it.

After that I thought I wouldn't be losing Amy weight but woke up to find myself 2 lb down to 140. Seems my body is still syaying on the right track. I still have a lot to lose but at least I'm finally getting somewhere. I'm worried about tonight though, we both have had no real cash for a while and he's getting paid tpday so he decided yesterday that since he's been craving Chinese that we are going to a buffet.

I know I have no way our of this so my best bet is to eat nothing until then and then have as little as possible. I'm still scared to go to the buffet though, I don't wanna lose the progress I've made.

Then dinner

I had a good day then got stuck eating dinner, some chicken Alfredo stuff. I had a bit of it, though still too much. And my body also agreed against it, four times.

Somehow with all this I managed to lose 2 lb. Thankfully tomorrow I should be able to do a total fast at the college.

Please Ana let me lose more weight, I want to be perfect...

Right track?

Yesterday turned out to be ok food and weight wise. All total my food was a flatbread sub from subway (they look at you odd when you don't get cheese or some super fatty sauce btw), later I had a small (scoop maybe scoop and a half) of pasta with a bit of parma cheese on it, no sauce. I wound up losing like 2.5 lb some how... I'm a bit confused by that.

So far today I've had a bagel and that's it (besides diet mountain dew). I'm hoping I manage to prevent anymore eating today and lose more weight I feel so fat in my body.