friends

So I'm hanging out with some friends these past few days, which has been good and bad. The good, kind of, is that they keep occassionally saying about how I'm really thin and need to eat more. The bad part, really bad, is that we do wind up eating. Though I should be able to stave it off more now. Today I had a chicken ceasar salad and I should be able to avoid further eating. Just n eed to consume more coffee and cigarettes.

Internets

So my internet is down and i have to blog using my cell, at least it works. My mom just got some new scale and its supposed to be like crazy accurate but it lists me at 123 a full 4lb under what my scale claims. I wanna believe it but at the same time i wanna believe mine because it says i need to lose more weight and i am inclined to believe that.

130

So after a terrible holiday season it seems I'm up a lot more than I ever wanted to be... now to lose that weight again. I'm on the right track today... coffee, cigarettes, and a bit of carrot and celery. A good kick start for now, I just gotta keep at it till I'm back down, and then some.

holidays

Well I'm psyched about the holidays... not the gifts and get-togethers but rather the fact that they are over. I am a christmas person, I get into the spirit and everything, I just despise the eating that comes with it. I feel like I weigh 200+ pounds after every meal... thank god that's not true. But still I haven't weighed myself (too terrified despite the feeling that I NEED to weigh myself) but I'm positive that I won't be enjoying the results at all.

With the holidays in mind... I stopped at a pharmacy on the way home to pick up some laxies... I just gotta empty myself out a bit... I woulda bought Ipecac if they had it... even though I'm aware that purging is a downward slope.

127

Well I'm finally down from 128 after what seemed like AGES. Restricting seemed to pay off a little bit, and thus I'll continue that again today. Sitting here with a cup of yogurt waiting for the ice outside to die down so I can go out X-Mas shopping. I really can't wait for spring and summer, it's hard enough for me to be CONSTANTLY cold, but when the weather is sub freezing it's even worse, especially when I'm out with my cigarettes...

Can't lose

Seems I just can't drop past 128 for some reason. Yesterday didn;t go too well with a surprise trip to a buffet by my friend who insisted that I have at least 2 plates of food, and no salad. I hate getting caught in those kinda things. But at least I didn't gain any weight from it all. Today should be a good day of restricting, it's 2:06pm and all I've had thus far is a cup of yogurt.

I hate failure

This weekend was a huge failure. I hate failing so much. Saturday's banquet was like a whole extra thanksgiving, I couldn't even get out of any of it. No salads, no healthy choices, nothing like that. Then yesterday I went to hang out with a few friends which somehow turned last minute into us going to a chinese buffet, only these friends know about me and my eating a bit more than other people. So of course they watched me like hawks. I hate it. My weight has climbed back up to 128 and I feel disgusting. The only thing that made me feel a little better yesterday was going to K-Mart's to visit a friend who was working and being able to try on and fit into a Boy's size 14. Even then it just made me think about whether or not I can go lower with that... I feel I might not make my goal by X-Mas...

The plan for today is restrict to 500 cal. That should give my body just enough so it won't crash and go into binge mode while still letting it burn off the extra fat.

hate my metabolism sometimes

Today after a day of fasting I managed to apparently only maintain my weight at 125, at least it didn't go up at all. At least my world is better since I just got a new car. I can't say that I'm exactly a masculine kid, but I do enjoy nice cars. Which is something that often gets me odd looks seeing as it doesn't quite fit my normal profile of being fairly feminine. Then again I enjoy chaos, so throwing people off a bit is kinda entertaining.

125...

So yesterday I managed to go ahead and ruin what I was doing. But today was better, and tomorrow will be even more so. I had some pizza today (roughly 450 cal) and diet soda. And cigarettes... life-savers right there, lower my appetite and keep my mind off food. Tomorrow's plan is to fast, probably friday as well. Then on saturday I'm going to a banquet at a boy scout troop for my kid brother, no doubt there will be plenty of food, and I need to search through it all for nothing but salad if possible, if not I'll have to go with as little as possible.

Semester is over, and I managed to fail two out of three classes, go me. I found out I should be able to get in next semester, which was determined by when the last chance to put up for payment plan is (Jan 6th plenty of time). So now I just need to register for my classes and save up my money. Thankfully some good luck is coming my way as a new car, I've been getting sick and tired of driving around in a car with only 3 gears and no music. It's really the no music part that kills me.

I'm also tired of being stuck at the mid-twenties. I'll be getting down to the high teens ASAP. I have my goal date and will do whatever I can to get there at that time.

125 - revisited

Once again I've gotten down to 125. It seems that the restricting from yesterday somehow paid off. I dunno, sometimes the math of metabolism is just really odd. I was terrified that I would have gained instead of any loss but was relieved to see I was wrong. The restricting continues today, tomorrow the plan is more severe restricting or possibly start up a two-day fast.

restricting

Today has been a fairly good 400 cal day, I had two slices of cheese pizza at my college which is roughly 150 cal per slice so I over-estimated it to 400, helps keep me on track. And with that in me that is all the cal that will be going in for today. Looking at my weight this morning I was upset, but expected it seeing as all the eating that happened over the weekend. Currently at 127 and that needs to once again change. I know I can get down to 120, and I will get there.

Restricting

Today the plan is restricting, I dunno exactly how much but currently I'm at 155 cal (1 english muffin with diet apple jelly). I don't plan on going above 500 today, if even that much. So mostly it's just been black coffee and cigarettes... and that one english muffin.

Fast ended...

My fast ended earlier than I had wanted it today. At about 7:30 pm I had a small subway sandwhich and when I got home a piece of pizza and 3 breadsticks. I hate myself for this. It's like the last two days I was going great and then I through it all away. I don't purge ever, but I came damn close today.


I could cry.

125

Not much in the way of loss today, which I guess is to be expected since the body changes it's weight a lot. Pretty good day of fasting today, no food at all. Though I did have more coffee it doesn't seem to matter much, I guess as long as I keep it down on the frequency... I wouldn't have even had that coffee if I hadn't been at the mall today.

Tomorrow should go just as fair as today went, and no coffee since I won't be anywhere near the mall at all. Closest thing I'll have to starbucks coffee is coffee at work (for me that's black or black with 5 packets of Equal in it).

It's good that the scale is going down, but I need more loss. I need to get down to 120 by X-Mas but seeing as how things are going I may actually need to revise that as 115 by X-Mas. My body should be able to accomplish that much, especially with my mind getting on track as it is. With everything going crazy in my life at least I can control my food intake.

126

Weighed myself in before class today and it seems I'm down a bit more to 126. I guess that's pretty good but it's not nearly enough. Currently in web design, a class I'm afraid I will fail. Hopefully I can convince the teacher to show me how to build this site that needs to be built and turn it in today. If I can do that and get my next one in I should be able to skim by.

It's hard to describe how upset I am that the last two semesters I was Dean's List and now I'm HOPING to pass my courses.

Pretty good

Fast went pretty good today. The only thing I THINK might be a slip up, is a Starbucks coffee I had... but no food. And only that so I see today as being a pretty successful day of fasting. Now to continue this tomorrow and friday. After all hunger hurts, but starving works...

Going strong

Currently working on my fast... which is really more of my own "Diet Coke and Cigarettes Diet." And so far I'm going strong, no slips, no bumps. I should be able to keep this up for another two days after this as well. As long as I can avoid home and family dinners I should be good.

Dinner

Last night I got stuck at home, something I try to avoid like the plague. The reason I try to avoid being home around 6pm is because of family dinner. Usually I'm able to be off somewhere else doing something, anything, else but not last night. Got stuck there with the family eating dinner. Only plus side is that my weight didn't go crazy high, but still 1 Lb is way too much. I'm going back onto a fast, no breaks, no slips, I'm running out of room to mark mistakes anyway.

Going good

Things today are going pretty good thus far, I find it interesting that when I choose to restrict for a day I wind up usually eating way less than I planned if anything at all. I manage to spend most of the day planning out exactly what to eat so much that I just wind up not getting the chance to actually go and get the food.

So far today I've had a 100 cal low-fat yogurt and some diet soda. The unfortunate thing is that I seem to be getting more and more irritable lately, may just be the stress or the eating habits, not exactly sure.

A bit better

Woke up today and re-weighed myself to see that the gain I had seen last night was actually not actually any gain. Instead somehow I just managed to maintain my weight instead. So all in all that was pretty good I guess.

Sitting in class right now, and just found out that I have 2 days to do one website and then 3 more days after that to do a second. Using CSS which I haven't worked with at all because I wasn't able to be here the days we were learning it. So it's basically my fault, now I just need to find a way to save my ass in this class.

crash

Today ended in a terrible crash. According to my scalle I'm somehow up 3 Lb. Not totally buying into that but I definately feel like I'm a fatass. Keeping with the current plan would make tomorrow a normal day of restricting. I think I will go with that.

I feel that the current extreme levels of stress going on around me are a part of what's causing me to fail so much, hopefully once the semester ends I'll be able to keep on track more. Though on the plus side I have a feeling that tomorrow morning the scale will read me as a bit lighter... but not enough.

fasting and stress

Fast yesterday went pretty well until a slight bump at the end. But today is going much better. Woke with a headache... again, but thanks to some Diclofenac it eased up a bit. Also couldn't get online at all for some odd reason last night, thus the no-post. At elast the filming went well... if you can ignore the blistering COLD... which I couldn't.

Now I'm just stressing out about classes that aren't going too well and money that I don't have yet need (that is if I plan on continuing my college studies and also plan on driving ANYWHERE). Once my weight starts going down more I'm sure these things will somehow clear up. I dunno maybe it's an odd way to think.

At least tonight I get to chill with friends and watch more Supernatural, and then at 9 hopefully get some Heroes in.

sunday

So far this fast is going fairly well. Woke up late and had to rush through the snow to get to work, that was fun. Nothing like being 30 minutes late to start up your day. I couldn't wait for that first cigarette break. I didn't feel any craving for the cigarette itself, but rather was looking forward to the appetite suppression of it. And it helped, quite a bit.

Now I've got to head over to a friend's place to do some filming for a web sitcom that they run. Today I play a ninja. But after this role is done I'm going to be given a consistent character rather than a small story one. I kinda look forward to that.

...

Yeah I don't even wanna talk too much about the food today. The only thing that kept me relatively sane today was the fact that I knew ahead of time that today I would be eating. So I'm gonna fast tomorrow and monday till wednesday will be heavy restricting. I just gotta get my weight down. It's the only thing that really matters. The thing that really sucks is that I'm more concerned with my weight and what I eat than I am with my school work... and it's starting to show big time. Well that's also due to all the crazy right now. Next semester will be better. Both grade and food wise.

FAILURE!

I HATE MYSELF!!! Just when I'm getting my second day done I go and ruin it all with a binge. I can't stand it! It feels like I'm gonna fail no matter what. Tomorrow I'm gonna be up with my dad's family and I just know that there will be eating there, at the very least I can stave off all eating until then, but still it's not like they are the healthiest eaters... but at least they aren't too bad I guess.

I need to do a better fast, or at least a good week of heavy restricting. I think sunday I'll do a one-day fast and then restrict like crazy. That shouldn't be too stupifying difficult for me, seeing as a two day fast seems beyond me.

God I feel like such a fat-ass for today.

Day 2

Today has gone pretty well. After a day of nothing at the college I came home and weighed in. Currently I have dropped 3 Lb since my last stats post ranking in at 125 Lb, I still have a while to go but at least I'm losing some weight.

I'll be heading off to work soon, I don't really enjoy it, especially since I'm surrounded by food. Sometimes the temptations get very high, thankfully I usually manage to go through the days no problem.

day's end and stats

This day ended fairly well I guess. Due to last night's binge I didn't get down much, but then again at this point any loss is good loss. I was with some friends this evening and we watched more of Supernatural, and while there they managed to tempt me with taquitos and cheetos. My will power stayed with me and I stayed strong and allowed no such food to be allowed for me. For that I'm almost proud of myself, not that it should be any kind of contest I should be able to just immediately say no to any and all food, not just food at work.

Also I figured that I will put up my stats (admittedly with much chagrim and disgust at myself) about once a week. At the very least I'll have a pretty good look at how I'm doing throughout the month. So with no further adieu:

CW: 128.0 Lb
HW: 175 Lb
LW: 127 Lb(14 yrs old in high school)
GW1: 115 Lb
GW2: 110 Lb
B: 32 H: 27 W: 33
(I dunno maybe I'm doing something wrong with measuring myself there. Those measurements seem odd maybe it's just me)

Renewed fast, day 1

Today is going pretty well, thankfully. No food, just diet soda, water, and hoodia. The thing that sucks is that due to all the crazy currently bouncing around in my life my college work is falling a bit behind. I need to finish 2 papers, a midterm, 2 websites, and 1 final project. So far the final is pretty much done and the two websites shouldn't be much to overcome either. I'm just much more concerned right now with getting my weight down to a better point. Getting closer, one day I will be thin.

failure.. and excuses

Try as I may to follow the belief of 'no excuses' (Rule 3 of Project Mayhem) I still find myself often bound to them. Today I failed horrifically at my fast. This started when I awoke with a headache the likes of which I haven't seen before, at one point it was decided I should see a doctor today due to these headaches (migraines which I get frequently, lucky me). After the doctor my mom decided we should go to Burger King where I was unable to get away with any less than a Chicken Original and fries.

The true collapse of today came later, after college, when I went to the local Giant to get diet soda and eventually found myself in the bakery... and later left with a few doughnuts and a pan of brownie with cream cheese on it. After going through 2 and a bite of the doughnuts throughout the rest of the night I managed to consume nearly half of the brownie pan. I couldn't be more upset at myself.

I have decided to restart my fast, I will eat nothing until saturday, no matter how great the temptation, or how stubborn the person attempting to make me eat. This I swear.

Day 2 onto 3

Yesterday didn't go as well as planned, friends at the college insisted on getting me to eat... hopefully they aren't getting onto anything. One friend jokes of me being anorexic and I certainly hope he's just joking, not that they could really do much to make me stop. So it ended up being a bit of pizza and nothing else, thankfully that's only about 450 cal which is 450 cal too much for my preference.

Today I woke with the worst headache ever, just like yesterday but worse. I decided not to go to class for now which is fine since my 9am class was canceled, all I have other than that is my 3pm class. My mom insists on taking me to see a doctor today about my headaches, and I hope he doesn't start asking questions about my eating and weight... also if he asked to check me physically I'll need to get my mom out of the room somehow due to some recent and old scars/cuts... not proud of them and prefer people to not see them. Even talking about them here makes me a bit uncomfortable... Not that anyone even sees this blog anyway...

Hoodia Day 1 Finished

Seems today was a rather successful day of my Hoodia Fast, no food, just the pills and diet soda and water. The weight is letting up a little bit, but I still need to lose more. The current goal is to drop another 18 lb at least, that will put me to (and I hate to admit to my weight seeing as it is still way to high.. a work in progress) 110, so the current weight is 128. I want to get down to there by christmas, perhaps further by then, but 110 is the current aim.

I'll be continuing the hoodia fast for another day, and then I'll go on with restricting.

Hoodia day 1

Today thus far seems to be going fairly well for my hoodia fast. I'm down a few lb already which is most likely food from last night, so I don't see any decent loss yet. Hopefully the next few days will help a lot more...

Terror night

Spent most of the day and night with some friends, and though mostly good times were had watching a series we dearly love (Supernatural) they wound up getting pizza and for the most part insisting that I eat. I ate, and it was way too much. Right now my scale is claiming that I gained another 2 lb, though this is freshly from his place so I can;t entirely trust what I see there. I'll have to wait until morning, even though this'll bug me for the rest of the night. I had planned to start up my fasting tomorrow and that plan stays as is. Nothing but water and hoodia diet pills. Maybe some diet soda.

thanksgiving

thanksgiving as always was a terror to me. surrounded by family and food and having no way out of eating a ton. the only plus was that i only gained 2 lb, even though that itself was way too much. starting monday i will be doing a 2 day hoodia fast. after that will be a continuance on my usual restrictions.

Start off

Well I'm not entirely sure why I made this blog. Most of the time I would prefer not letting the world know about what's going on in my head and how I really see myself. But I figured that it might be good for me to at least have someplace to put down my thoughts. Maybe noone will ever read this blog, maybe it'll just be another weird person's little sanctuary on the internet.

But maybe there will be someone out there who can relate, maybe in some odd way this will help someone out there in ways that it won't help me. I dunno, I don't have much of a goal for this, I keep my goals more toward my weight anyway. I suppose in some ways one might see me as pro-ana, I do realize what it's doing and going to do to me. But right now the goal is much more important than the effects...

On a side note, to maintain some aspect of anonymity I won't be referring to full names of course, and as for myself there are names that I go by but for now I'll just be K.