Things stay crazy

I'm sorry I haven't had the chance to blog lately. That being said it wasn't a lax or lazy time for me. I'm currently down to 142.

Hurricane sandy didn't do much to us here. W had to rescue his parents from NJ though which was an adventure. His mom has a habit of force feeding everyone. You should eat breakfast, want me to make you French toast? An omelet? She will keep asking until you eat something.

Unless you leave before she wakes up and stay gone till after dinner. Which I was usually able to do. Jobs kept me away consistently.

Unfortunately I'm still broke. Turns out I won't be able to go back to insurance until January. I'm sick and tired of having No money, No car, feeling like I have No hope. But things will be better, because I'm getting thinner. And in the end that's what matters most.

Later, K

Mistakes and improvements

Well after some mistakes I've been stuck at 148 :(. Working hard to break past this and today should help quite a bit.

Today I had my diet green tea pills, lots of water, and 2 diet amps. Also decided to try out these FullBars. And they seem to work out pretty well, each one is 170 cals (which is ok), so my total today was 240 cals. So all in all calorie wise I am right on track (nicely under the 500 maximum). I was able to avoid all temptations today which felt nice and empowering.

Still waiting on everything to get rolling as far as my new job, at this point I'm just waiting on getting a bit more money so that I can finish off the Z and then put aside enough money to pay my bills for a month. Once that is all set I will being going all out, hitting the ground running as it were.

Now hopefully I will be getting that money soon as my mom's basement recently had a flood and mold and I still had stuff down there from when I was still living there. So it SEEMS I should be getting enough money for everything that I need soon (as long as mom doesn't try to take a bit more which she might and is grrrrr).

Well that seems to be all for now.

Laters, K

Bad Ana

Ugh, I've been a poor ana. Not entirely on me, though I should have been stronger. W had a frend over, and the whole time (he was here for a week) I had to eat. In front of people. Which scares the shit out of me. And nothing good, not salads and carrots and celery. NO. Fat food, sandwhiches, pasta, FAT! So, now that he's gone I can get back to my ways. My method. No to low food, lose weight. As of today I'm down to 148, good should be better. I am better all ready. Today has been 0 cal, No food, diet drinks, water. YAY! Laters, K

Fasting

So in retribution for eating at the buffet last night. Today was a fasting day. And it went perfectly.

Get over to J's house and tell them I ate at home, get home and say I ate there. Perfect. And I picked up some green tea diet pills that seem to have worked before so they shall again.

According to the scale this morning I maintained my 149 lb. And it currently states that I gained a pound, but I feel it's wrong there. I doubt I gained a pounds from water and diet soda. :/

Anyway, tomorrow is back to normal. No more than 500 Cal. Period.

Later, K

Ruined days

So today everything was going great. I'm are 149 lb, empty stomach. Had some salad and 10 carrot sticks for lunch, right on track doing great!

Then Z comes home from work and tells us he's taking us out to the Japanese buffet. Well, fuck. Fuck my day. I was planning on having MAYBE a veggie Burger with mustard (No bread) but instead get dragged to the buffet.

So I decide fuck it. Make the best of it. 1 eel nigiri, 1 salmon nigiri, 1 of those chickens on a stick, and 2 little cheese things they had. I ate what I could find the calorie count of online (the nigiri, half the chicken stick and the cheese things) which came out to around 500 Cal.

So my plan got fucked but at least I was able to not go too far out of it. Hopefully at worst I'll maintain the weight I got to today. And to make up for it I'll be fasting tomorrow which will be easy considering I won't be home all day and can easily avoid food that way. Ugh.

Other than that my day was uneventful, played some borderlands 2 with W, and stayed in my PJ's most of the day (hello Kitty fleece bottoms and a purple & black striped long sleeve shirt.... Yeah I may be a tiny bit gay :) )

Laters, K

A birthday and a funeral

So I found out my mom's birthday was on Wednesday (I'm terrible with birthdays), so we had to go out to eat for her birthday. I allowed for it figuring that I would be OK with one day's slip.

Next day was my aunt's funeral. There was a dinner after that mom said she didn't want to go to, great thought I, No eating yay. Wrong. After the funeral off we went to a diner. Ugh

Unfortunately with both I need to eat "normal" in front of my mom who has in the past accused me of being anorexic. So I ate my normal meal with her, like a normal person. Every bite killed me. I wanted to cut it into tiny pieces, I wanted to throw it away. I managed to eat half of each meal at least, and then promptly forgot to take it home with me (oops).

Weigh in today at 151. Great. I got fatter. Well make up for it with a better today right? Right.

Today:
1 can of chicken noodle soup - 220 cal
2 cups of coffee with almond milk - 60 Cal
Total: 280

Better, much better. Under 500 is great, 0 is best but Oh well. We will find out tomorrow how well it worked.

Laters, K

150

OK, so slow on the take. Had a lot going on yesterday, and I slipped a bit. Had the friends over for game night and earlier that day I ate 2 tiny slices of pizza (stripping it down to just cheese pizza to the slight bewilderment of W). That came out to ~420 cal, yikes. Then I stayed strong most of the day, until suddenly my body decided it was food time NOW. And I wound up eating a couple pizza bones from my friends pizza they ordered. So I think I wound up under 700 definitely, maybe under 600. I hate not knowing for sure. I hop on the scale this morning so it can tell me how good or bad my day will be, and I'm sitting at 150. Wow, that's a lot, but it's less than the 154 I was at two days ago. So once again, go me (self-high five). So today I MAY be going out to dinner with mom, but I'm not sure, haven't heard anything about it since she brought it up on Wednesday. So maybe, maybe not. *shrug* I am super excite about November, because I will be getting back into being a Merchant of Death (life insurance). Which is a fantastic business to be in, only reason I haven't been doing it is because my Z hasn't been up. With this I am expected to make at least 60k/year and after a while will be given my own office to run (hell yeah). And if there is one thing I have learned in this world is that two things make everything better: Thinness and Money. Laters, K

Not dead!

Hello all you lovlies, it's been a while hasn't it? Well you see I got a weird kind of sick soon after my last post. Felt like I had a frog in my throat non-stop and my throat was sore, white fuzz on tongue (gross). So my reaction was to stop all the diet pills, the chromium, even the vitamins.

Thought I had the big C, which depressed and pissed me off. Mainly because I figured if I had it then it would have to be from smoking... but I don't smoke that much, maybe a pack a day, and I haven't been smoking for very long, maybe 5 years. I know people smoking more and longer who have No problems.

Turns out I had bronchitis and thrush. So... Yeah. Very relieved to hear that. Took care of all that and then just felt crummy and blah for a while. I slipped on my diet, but managed to maintain my weight. Also found out through the course of getting sick and checking my temperature like 5 times a day that my normal temp is 97.5 yeah 1.1 lower than a regular human.

So today and last night I've just been miserably depressed, so I intensified it today by trying on old clothes. They were tight, I was almost in tears. Which of course brings us to the now.

Today I consumed 3 big cups of coffee with fake sweetener in it. Ate 10 baby carrots, and about half a bowl of salad with 45 Cal's of low fat balsamic vinegarette on it. So:

Coffee - 0 cal
10 baby carrots ~20 cal
Salad ~ 10 cal
Dressing - 45 cal
Total - 75 cal
Way to go me!

Now we keep this up forever. I need to stay under 500 Cal to be safe. Safety in certain numbers, safety in emptiness. Control my food, control my life.

Laters, K

0 cal

I made some mistakes these last few days, some true fuck upset. But today was different 0 Cal's. Nothing but water and hot green tea today. Temptation running rampant and my body demanding food, I was able to control my will and go without.

"I'm not hungry" , "I ate after the last job" excuse after excuse. Every day needs to be like today. I need to stay strong, I have the control and the willpower.

Laters, K

Got rid of fading obsession

The webring was making it hard to see this site so I disabled it. Also picked up wasted the other day. I've never read it before but always wanted to so now I finally get the chance.

Today was a good day, I'm down to 148 and all I had was chicken noodle soup which was a total of 200 Cal for the day. I'm finally making progress but was quite tempted by the pizza my boyfriend was eating next to me while we watched lost.

I'm starting to get a little wobbly when I stand up and my mind has it's moments of fogginess. Great signs, signs that I'm doing well losing weight, getting one step closer.

Laters, K

Bracelet and other stuff

So I don't know why I didn't think of this before. I have been wanting to get a new Ana bracelet but couldn't find a red beaded bracelet anywhere. So I have this skull bracelet that I've had for a while.... And I'm an artist with lots of paint... So now I have a red skull Ana bracelet.

Also today I broke down and had a cup of Mac and cheese, 240 Cal. So thankfully it's under 500 Cal. I also got bored and bleached my hair, so now it's cray light blonde.

I've been watching a lot of lost great show to be distracted by, nice long series to watch and ignore the growing hunger. Although sometimes it's hard when I have my boyfriend sitting next to me eating, but it makes me feel stronger even with giving in and eating a bit.

Later, K

More fasting

Not too sure I can keep doing the 2468 the first two days are fine but 600-800 calories just terrifies me. I'm watching my parents place for the weekend which is a wonderful opportunity to fast. I think I'll keep it going for as long as possible. Currently I've seemed to hit a plateau which is aggravating as hell.

I really need to get myself down to 100 lb, I feel that is a perfect weight. It was always a perfect score on a test why not weight too. Now even with the fast going on I've been trying neuro water trim. I don't know if it'll work but I hope it does. My one friend was mentioning that he doesn't like the taste of it but I don't care about taste I just need it to work.

Laters, K

I miscounted

I screwed up my count today. Which is infuriating because I'm normally so good at it. I went a bit over the 800 mark today, all because of a piece of bread.
Fuck bread :(

If I had the money I'd do the kekwick again but lucky me I have exactly $0 until Monday. Good thing gas is free.... Wait, no it isn't. I hate how my life is right now, no money, my beloved Z is still sitting at my mom's place just waiting to be put back together.

Once I get my Z back and get thin everything will be better. Can only go up from here right?

Laters, K

Still on track

Today was two veggie Turkey burgers, made of veggie tastes like Turkey it was interesting. Each Burger was on one slice of wheat bread with lots of mustard. Later I spent 30 minutes nibbling on three baby carrots.

So:
2 veggie Turkey Burger 90 Cal each for 180
2 slices of wheat bread at 80 Cal per slice for 160
Mustard at a glorious 0 Cal
3 baby carrots for around 10 Cal.

Total today: 350 cal
Good day, also I started taking hydroxycut it gave me more energy and definitely fought off some hunger. Even if it doesn't by itself make weight come off the added decrease in appetite and increase in energy is well worth it.

I also got annoyed at my hair and took the scissors to it. I need to bleach it though. I'm still hovering at 152 but hopefully in the morning the scale will obey my wishes and drop the number down.

Tomorrow is 600 Cal... Anything over 500 is frightening and I don't know yet what I will eat, not really looking forward to it... And then 800 the day after, ugh.

Later, K

Another successful fast

It feels so good to fast. People offer up food and the amazing feeling of being able to say no while everyone else eats is just fantastic. And according to the scale this morning I'm back to 152, if I hadn't mentioned apparently I had mistook my weight and it was actually back up time 158.

So now I start up the 2468. Today will be two grille original veggie burgers. 100 Cal each with mustard on the since mustard is zero Cal and thus my fact condiment. Gonna come up with a plan for tomorrow, 400 Cal....

Laters, K

Lost a battle

But the war goes on.

I wound up doing a bit of a binge, a healthy(ish) one though. I wound up getting stuck having a vegetarian burrito. Tofu, rice, beans. Felt like shit of course. And just got done with the knife.

Tomorrow is a new day. No food. Period. The end. Diet soda and water and cigs. Then Monday starts the 2468 diet.

W was asking some questions about the diet. He was mostly confused about the low calorie intake. He doesn't seem concerned. Not yet.

And the longer I can keep off his concerns the better. Just need to hide everything. The eating habits, The cuts, and when it gets noticeable the weight loss.

What a twisted fate. I want to lose so much weight. I need to. But then I'm compelled to hide it. I know I won't be satisfied, and I know people will try to stop me... But I won't, and they can't.

Laters, K

Fasting

I decided to bump up the schedule and fast. More specifically I was being assaulted with food to eat and went into a fast defensively. So that's one day down with 0 Cal. Nothing but diet soda, water, and cigarette. Good day.

I'm gonna keep this up till Monday then go back to the 2468. Time to starve, I love the feeling of control by just denying food. It's euphoric. Also no food means no cuts, saves my arm a bit.

Laters, K

Still going

But no change yet. My weight hasn't dropped any at all. And now I'm back to cutting. My life is a mess and I've got control over nothing but my eating. I don't even have full control over my cutting. Any mistakes I make need to be paid with a 4" paring knife.

I wound up dropping a ball of crazy on my boyfriend. Told him some but not all. I know I'm fucked up, I can't leave a car or place without holding my keys. All doors need to be closed 5 times. Lights on and off five times. Everything gets counted in or by 2, 3, 5, 13, or 23.

Everything in my life is a mess, but when I lose weight I get at least a little control back... is that so wrong?

I was wrong

About my weight I apparently had gain 6lb, fucking fantastic. Although kekwick has been working. Yesterday I was down 2lb, and I haven't had the chance to weigh myself yet today.

My stomach is feeling funky, but that's fine. Today is the start of 2468. To make the 200 calories for today I'll have two veggie burgers, no bread, each is 100 Cal. Hopefully I'll start to see some change.

Laters, K

Things need to get better soon

My life is such shit right now. My dream car is sitting in my garage not running. It's not really broken but it needs to be put back together so of course everything keeps getting in the way. I'm still making shit money barely paying my bills. And of course to top it all off I'm still a pile of fat.

I gotta lose the weight if nothing else, then at least I can be poor and skinny. Seems every time I take a step forward life throws me back 2 steps. Most of the time I just want to curl up and sleep forever.

Come on life, what the fuck did I do so wrong to earn such a fucked existence? I can't even be content with anything, and to make matters worse W has his best friend over a lot who is rich, happy, and thin. His hardest decision is whether to get a Porsche or a BMW. I WISH my life was hard like that. Every time I see him it just reminds me of how shitty everything is for me.

Still doing the kekwick after that it'll be the diet, this weight needs to be gone NOW

Still 152

So I'm still at 152. Such failure, budget no more. I keep saying I'm gonna Do it and now's the time. My life is shit and I have almost no control in my life. But I can and will control my eating.

I need to get down in weight, time to drop all the fat off. Let my bones show.

I've already started back up on the kekwick diet. I'm on day 2 right now, finish this off then I'm gonna do the 2468. I'll need help I know who's up for assisting?

152

According to the morning weigh in, I am at 152 today. So down 14 Lb from the start.

Yesterday for some reason I just felt so... lonely. Out of nowhere, no friends over, nobody around, nothing to do... just bleh. I just looked forward to going to bed the whole day... mostly to see if I had lost weight the next day. And there it is, it's taking over my life and brain once again. No complaints.

I'm all the way back, no more fuck ups, the lies return. Oh I ate already, no I'm not hungry, I don't feel well, etc etc etc... And once again my grumbling gurgling churning stomache is the only sound to prove me wrong. If anyone listened for it. I haven't lost enough yet for anyone to take notice and worry, so that's working out for me.

And now I need to go say no to chicken nuggets and every condiment ever.
Laters, K

Plans

I'm once again amused by the fact that even when I plan things it tends to not follow through in a better way. Case in point: today I planned on eating 3 yogurts at 100 cal each, but wound up eating one.

I will continue this for tomorrow as well, set the goal for 300 and probably end up lower.

Laters, K

153

This mornings weigh in showed 153. Due to this I let myself have a slice of pizza and a regular soda. Great thing was with chewing 42 times for each bite and drinking after each I was very full from that one slice. Then came the regret, but I knew I had to eat something to keep my metabolism going.

Tomorrow I will have up to three yogurts which will be between 100 and 300 cal total. Seems I'm finally back to my total ana mental state, thankfully. Now to drop the weight faster.

Laters, K

Another day

Another 0 cals. Once again tempted by friends and food. This time friends at my place and pizza was ordered. Smelled great, looked horrifying. I came close to giving in, but I was able to persevere thanks in part to my happiness of being able to say no, stick to it, and then feel better because everyone else had to eat.

I get a bit annoyed when someone hasn't eaten in more than two hours and all I hear is how they are "starving". Like they even know what its like to be starving, do they understand how your stomache feels after days without food. Nothing filling it except diet soda, water, and coffee. No. No they don't, and they won't.

They don't have the resolve to go without food. To set rules and live up to them. Simple rules really, demanding true... But simple.

Laters, K

0 cal

Had a great day. 0 cal though it was close at the end. Wound up going to a diner with some friends, but thankfully I was able to get away with just two cups of coffee. Love the taste of nothing more than anything. So I still have no car to drive, work is slow so I'm broke, but if I keep this up at least I can be thin.

Laters, K

Failure

Today was a failure. Not too bad at first but I have a problem of avalanching. So addressing some chicken nuggets earlier, I just had a bagel with cream cheese. I used to be so good at saying no, I need to get back to that. Stop fucking up K, you need to be thin. Your life will be better if July can only be thin.

Fucked up

So Friday and Saturday were complete failures. I binged. Three slices of pizza, a cheeseburger, and a bagels with cream cheese. Now I'm back up to 159.

I hated myself for it. But I won't let that stop me, now ill just have to go harder. I'm going 0 cal today and tomorrow. Gotta get back on track.

Day 5

So because of my fuck up yesterday, I've maintained my weight, no loss no gain. To make up for it I got two cases of diet soda for tasty drinks and 5 100 cal yogurts.

So far today:
2 cans of Pepsi max 0 cal
1 yogurt cup 100 cal

Ok there ya go body. Less cals now lose some Damn weight. I'm tired of being a fat fuck.

Day 4's end

Good then bad today. The good was having one can of soda for most of today. The bad was dinner with friends, burritos. Now it was a vegan burrito (tofu, pea pods, carrots, and rice) bit I don't know the cal count on it... I wish I could purge then is be fine... I keep telling myself that one slip isn't the end of the world. But it feels like it is.

So here's the count:
1 soda 170
1 burrito ??? I'm thinking around 500 cal, I hope so anyway.

Also at one point I weighed myself again and it was 157. I was almost happy that I was almost 10 down... Now that's gonna skyrocket right back up....

Layers, K

Day 4

So I wake up today, stomache still hurting. Onto the scale I tread and behold... the same weight I had yesterday. 159 still, seriously?! Come on body, we need to be on the same page here. We need to lose weight, period. The end.

Whatever, maintaining isn't a sin, gaining is. I can deal with this. I guess my calories yesterday were too much, so I'll shoot for lower today. Here's hoping. Also, thankfully, W hasn't noticed anything yet. Hasn't noticed my rules, my lower intake, my tiny little bites, drinking only one can of soda a day instead of 12, drinking more tea and water. I'm glad, I don't want him to catch on, or else he'll try to make me stop, most people would.

And that's why I'm here, to gain support and love from the rest of us. The ones who care deeply about our weight. The ones willing to go to any lengths to get what we need and desire. The ones who know how painful and tough it is, and yet keep going knowing how completely worth it it is.

Laters, K

Day 3

At my morning weigh in I was at 159, down by 1. Which is good, at least it was some down and not up. I've been feeling the delicious pain I love all day.

Todays count:
1 can of soda 170
5 chicken nuggets 230
  with 3 tsp of honey mustard 15

Total: 415

And now its thankfully after 7pm so no more eating.

My stomachs hurts a lot, but I love that so much.

Layers, K

Next Day

So currently I'm at 160 lb, so 4 lb gone. So far today it's been 1 can of soda (170 cal), 1 Diet Amp (10 cal), 1 Nutrigrain bar (140 cal) bringing the total to 320. I'm not proud of this, and now W wants to have dinner which is a steak filet (230 cal) and mashed potatoes (~120 cal). If I eat this I'll be at 670. On the plus side it's under 1k cal but I was hoping to stay around 400 today... Maybe I'll eat a bit of the steak and some potatoes and bring that down.

Laters, K

Back again, and a good start

Happy new year everyone. I'm back this time for keeps. I need to post it all good and bad, success and failure, UPS and downs. So I may as well start with the big failure.

Current weight 164.

Yep you read that right, I'm a fatass and can't stand it anymore. So I had a good start today. I got green tea diet pills, three down today. A big cup of green tea, and one soda (150 cal). No food no solids. Now to keep it up.

And to be honest I could use some support. My life isn't going to great right now, if I get thin I know that'll change. So any help any support and you get all my love.

K out