gonzo journalism?

It's an odd sort of thing in America right now. Myself along with who knows how many other guys are out there doing our damnedest to be thin and small, tiny. Petite. Yet the ideal image of the male figure seems to be this lean muscular figure, all tone and perfect posturing. Like some kind of greek statue.

So in a way the feeling we male anorexics have is against the idea, and yet in our minds it's this version of perfection that we strive so hard for. And it seems to be catching on in a way too. I've noticed that more and more the ideal male is going more toward the androgynous thin guys, so I guess if we manage to hit our perfection it'll one day mesh up quite nicely with the view of our society.

We look around and are still bogged down with the doubts and feelings of our female anorexic counterparts. There is that person thinner than me? Are they starving too? Why do they look happier than I could ever hope to be? Maybe it's some kind of elaborate act, convincing everyone around them that they just happen to have some insane metabolism, but do they actually eat? I dunno.

Most times I look at the thin people around me and an intense pange of jealousy drives through me, and I think to myself "Dammit get ahold of yourself. Your vice has to be Pride not Jealousy, don't envy them, beat them. Be better and thinner. And then by damn it flaunt it. One day you'll be able to flaunt it. Look how thin I am! Look at this model of perfection walking beside you. How can you bear to not envy this body?"

Of course that's the lie going on in my head. The voice I hear instead is much different. "Are you actually thinking of eating? Didn't you figure this out yet? Don't eat. It's just that simple. Stop the food from entering your mouth, say no thanks when offered some food. Aren't you strong enough? Don't you have enough willpower? I guess you aren't worth it are you?"

The voice echoing around yelling at me for my flaws. Which apparently I need since I guess I don't bring them up enough for myself. Maybe I need that little voice to push me. But god I wish I didn't wind up crying most nights from it.

bleh and thoughts

First and foremost: I broke my fast today. Was hanging out with a friend all day and we went out to lunch to an all you can eat kinda thing, I was fairly ok with it seeing as I wasn't able to get more than 2 small slices of pizza and a brownie down. Later his dad ordered out for Pizza as well, and I wound up eating like 3 slices there. I realized that it shouldn't be too bad seeing as I haven't eaten since wednesday but when I just got home my scale is saying that I gained 7 Lb. That is fucking nuts and it's really reuined the day for me.

And I can't be too entirely sure what will happen tomorrow, it all depends on my friend really. The two of us are supposed to go up and visit my dad (in which case I prolly won't be able to do more than MAYBE restrict a bit), however if he doesn't show up then it'll be a day of fasting. Though regardless I'm going to do at least a 3-day fast starting monday. If nothing else this 2-day fast made me realize that I still have the motivation, willpower, and strength to do it.

As for the thoughts part, Mango brought up a good point in that I really haven't been mentioning much about being an ana guy, in part because most of what I think about is my weight and food anyway. Well I'll take some time and put a bit of it out there. Being an ana guy is... odd. First off I'm not exactly the manliest guy to ever walk the earth, pretty far from it (see purple hair and girls jeans), also most people don't take notice too much except for a few people close to me who realize that I 'was' Anorexic (in their minds, most think I 'got over it').

People don't seem to notice a boy starving himself nearly as much as they do a girl. In a way it's kind of a good thing in one aspect seeing as it means I can usually get away with fasting in most company without any hassle, people turn a blind eye to it. If I'm not a girl I CAN'T get an eating disorder. So as far as the stealth and secrecy in Anorexia it works out.

But it's not all good (as nothing is really all good or all bad) in the way that it also means that a person who may REALLY need help with what's going on with him will never get that help until it's way too late. So there are a lot of guys out there (admitedly myself included) who could really use the help but won't get it, for a couple reasons. The main one is that they will almost never be noticed as having an Eating Disorder, way too many people are willing to just say that they have a crazy fast metabolism or something like that; another reason is that (though admitedly this one is just guys it's a lot of us) they don't want help (myself included there), guys have a tendency to be a lot more stubborn about things that may be wrong with them and also are notorious for refusing to go to doctors or other places that will help.

So all in all being a male Anorexia is an odd experience, people don't notice. It's great and awful depending on your view of it at the time (ie. mine is kinda biased). I feel that more people should start to notice others around them, maybe look past some of the stereotypical beliefs out there and see what's really going on.

the fast continues

Today was more fasting. Not a crumb of food went past my lips today. The temptations were there but my willpower turned out to be even greater than food. That's two days down. 8 more to go. I have this terrible feeling that on sunday I may be forced to break my fast, not positive yet. Should I be forced into eating I'll be going for the absolute lowest amount. Even if I would want to go for more, I have no doubt that my stomache has shrank already, which is a glorious thing.

I feel I'm starting to get the nice euphoric surge from starving, though I did notice that I was a lot more irratible today, but nothing great will come without sacrifice. I'm looking forward and at the same time dreading looking at the scales, I want so much for my weight to drop but I'm terrified that it won't be dropping as much as I want it to.

fasting

So I went on board for a 10 day fast in reply to another blog... only to find out that her 10 day fast started 10 days ago, thus is over. So I decided fuck it, I'll do it anyway. So today was the first day. 1 day no food, no juice, food, anything. Just coffee, cigarettes and diet coke. Though there was a bit of a slip up in the form of 7 shots of peppermint schnapps, but even that shouldn't be too bad since it still wasn't food. The fast itself remains intact. And I feal pretty damn good about it. Haven't weighed myself yet out of fear of looking upon my weight but I have a fairly good feeling about it.

So I'll put it out there, anyone up to join on the 10 day fast? It's been started on this side already, 1 day down 9 more to go. Let's all be strong together, we can do it, we have the willpower that others lack. No doubts, no excuses. Just success.

I decided to actually put up a few pics for others to see, just the face and hair. Both of which look insanely awful. The purple have faded, viciously so. But when it's gone I'm going to super-bleach and do it again. With hopefully much better results.

on failing

Well it seems I've got two things failing on me here, my restrictions/fasting as well as my hair color. I imagine I did something vastly wrong in doing it as it has turned from a deep blue-violet, to a more grayish faded purple... and also I managed to over eat again today. I have set aside tomorrow as a fasting day and I think going back onto a schedule will help alot. For the first few days it'll be 0-200-400-600 cal, and then I'll go to 2-4-6-8, and then either a day or two of fasting or back to 0-2-4-6. Hopefully this will help me on my lofty goal of getting down to my goal weight. Providing I don't manage to muck it all up.

So of course...

my fast turned into more a restrict. But I guess I'll just have to deal with that. At least I didn't go overboard at all, and I can fast tomorrow (which should be easier anyway since I was hanging out with a lot of people over this weekend). I'm kinda enjoying the purple hair but next time I'm gonna bleach first instead of just going with my blonde (which the purple super darkened).

Brave New World

I've been feeling pretty down lately, and decided to brighten myself up with a change in appearance that is faster than what I'm aiming for. Hair color. My hair has now gone from dark blonde at the top shifting into bright blonde at the bottom to Dark Violet at the top shifting to lighter violet at the bottom. Overall I enjoy the change quite a bit (though I woulda preferred it being a bit lighter and more pure violet than the blue-violet it came out).

Unfortunately I definately needed the pick me up after eating some chinese today, though it was really the only eating I did the whole day, even then I wasn't able to eat much at all. Later I had some Rockstar Coffee drinks, which at the very least, kind of ... emptied me out... So I consider that kind of a plus. I've decided that the next two days will be fasting, nothing but diet coke and water. More water than diet coke since the fake-sugar will make my body crave real sugar more, and water will just fill up the stomache with no cal no sweeteners.

Blah

I've been neglecting my blog and dear readers and I feel bad about it. It's been a mix of two major things really. A) Craziness in my life trying to figure out how to get a job and get my car fixed and deal with various different drama situations from various groups of friends. B) I've been getting more and more depressed lately. And lonely. And it sucks. I've eaten way more than I should have today, and now the worst thing is that my weight is going up and down constantly. Some days it'll be a little on the low side, then it'll go up a few pounds, then back down. I gotta find a way to just set myself back on track.

A few days ago I was in the shower after one moment of sudden eating and decided I would try to purge. Even with drinking 20 oz. of water I couldn't seem to do it. Which actually made me feel even worse. It's like I'm not even good enough to be able to purge at all, there are plenty of people out there who can do it, so why not me. It's not that I REALLY want to purge but sometimes after I eat my mind just decides it's what needs to be done. I dunno... maybe I'm just fucked up.

birthday

Today is my birthday. It's kind of sad that even on a day like this all I can think of is what I'm eating and how to lose weight. My friend did a good job of making it a pretty good day though, so that was fun. But he also took me out to eat and insisted on a big meal... and I couldn't do anything about it. I think more about purging out if I eat now which makes me feel that I would rather just not eat, so except for tomorrow (where I need to eat dinner with the family) it's going to be major restricting and fasting... though I feel aweful even saying that since it seems that I can never follow through. I need to get myself back to the right mindset with all this. I used to be right on track all the time, but now I'm off, and remembering being back on just makes it a bit worse.

scared

I was just outside for a cigarette and spent about 10 minutes trying to purge. I had way to much to eat, and suddenly the urge just hit me. I just felt that I had to purge out. I failed, of course. But stayed scared. Even now I'm terrified, I just feel really really scared and don't know why. I need to keep my eating down, next time I figure I should drink a lot of water right after to do it right. I don't want to do so, but if I eat I just need to get it out. I should just be able to avoid food completely...

Dropping

So my weight is dropping again which relieves me a bit, and motivates me more. Back down to 125 and feel i can keep it going now. Also seems i may be able to get a job soon so i have that to look forward to