Stressed Out

God I hate myself, thanks to all the MEGA STRESS I've been dealing with from the whole family, lack of cash and job, and continuous bills my will broke out and I've eaten a LOT today, it was going ok at the start with 220 cal of chicken soup, but then at a friends house I indulged in peanut butter cookies and at another friend's house I went after the doughnut holes there... I gotta get myself back on track, so tomorrow and frieday I'm fasting and saturday I'm going back to restricting. I just need to find more ways to avoid eating with friends, that I feel is my biggest problem...

Getting back on track

I'm starting to get back on track, restricting today, and I'll likely fast tomorrow and wednesday (as long as no friend related troubles pop up). I've been looking EVERYWHERE for a red bracelet, just a simple red bracelet, tried Hot Topic, Clair's, all over the mall... then I found what I was looking for yesterday, at Wal-Mart. So now I've got my Red Bracelet on all the time. I know not too many people know what it stands for, but those who do will recognize it quickly.

restrictions restrictions

First off: Wow 19 followers, meaing at least 19 people regularly actually give half a shit of what goes on in my life. Thanks guys I really mean it, it's a great help to know that some people out there do seem to care or at least have a passing interest you help me out a lot.

So today was a restriction day... not incredibly successful (2 slices of pizza, a cookie, a starbucks gingerbread coffee (sugarfree), and a brownie), but somehow through all that I managed to actually lose a little bit of weight. Currently down to 126, still too much, gotta lose a lot more. Sometimes I go by physical signs instead of weight though, for example you can sort of see what I look for in my photo there, the abdomen area for me has a solid line of my ab-muscle going from solar plexus to my hips, if I can feel a bit around it at least I can tell that I'm not too bad off. If I can't feel it at all then I really freak out for a while. I also go by a lot of measurements of my body (and yes here you are getting my real current stats):
fore arm: 9in
Wrist: 6in
Waist: 28in
Hips: 34in
Bust: 32in
Thigh: 18in
Ankle: 7in

Maybe that's a bit further than most people go, but then again I can't exactly say that I'm like most people.

In other news: Lost my job. Yeah, go me. Lost it on tuesday, needless to say I was... irrate. As if I don't get irritable enough from constant depression and hunger, then stress at home, they go ahead and through that right on top of the heap. It sucks. Bad. On the plus side (hopefully): I'm going to the place where a few of my friends currently work tomorrow to apply for a job. If things work out I'll manage to net myself a job. Not the job I would prefer there, but at least it's a foor in the door. And a few of my friends there have enough sway to hopefully help me get into a REAL position there, one where I can more freely take breaks. Not that breaks is the major concern (added bonus really), but also it's a pay increase from 8.50/hr to 12/hr. That's a nice pay up. Hell, even 8.50 is a little more than a dollar more than what I was getting at my last job. And that wasn't part time.

Ah yeah, part time to full time. Not something I especially look forward to but I figure: A) I'm not currently in any classes at college and B) I REALLY need the money.

So here's hoping my luck works out. My luck is kinda odd, I've managed to escape death (not even a joke there, I'll get into that later) with my luck and get a nice sports car to name a few off the top of my head. And I get this feeling my luck may help me out with the job search as well.

So this has been a rather large post, I hope you all didn't mind my ranting about the non-ED part of my life, but it all ties together in one way or another.

Brand New Day

So college is starting up tomorrow which I'm thankful for, even though I won't actually be attending (no money = no classes), but I'm going to go hang out there when I can until I officially go back next semester. At the very least it will allow me to stay away from home and let me get away from food temptations. Noone at the college knows of my little problem with food, so noone pressures me to eat. Today is going pretty good, currently going with the plan of No Plan.

Today has been 3 cups of Vanilla Caramel Tea with artificial sweetener. Haven't had the chance to hit up a cigarette yet though, and I do want one quite a bit. My craving isn't bad at all which I attribute to the fairly good quantity of liquid in my belly right now. As long as I can keep myself together and not fall into a pattern of eating more than 1K Cal then I should start to get back down to where I NEED to be.

restrictions

So first off my internet is working just fine now, just thought I'd get that outta the way first. My restricting has been going pretty well today, a Nurtigrain bar (120 cal) and a bowl of vegetable soup (220 cal) bringing my total in at 340 cal, that and diet soda and cigarettes pretty much fleshes out my day today. The only thing I dread is that tomorrow I will be with my dad and thus there will most likely be eating, I think I'll do fine as long as we don't go to some buffet or something of similar nonsense.

Internet

So my internet is down again. I havent been able to do any of my normal interneting and its driving me nuts. My eating hasnt been any better either which is making me more and more irritable each day. I just feel like i wanna lock myself away from everyone i hang out with for like a week just so i could get away from the eating that happens with them.

Restricting again

I decided to restrict a bit, until maybe tuesday or wednesday. Today went fairly well with that, 2 cups of yogurt, coffee, cigarettes, and a cookie (though the cookie made me feel awful). No real weight loss from today but I figure my body is trying to catch back up with it all, so the next few days should be much better.

I guess things are still looking a little ok. Decided to snap a pic of myself while laying in bed, I'm honestly going to try to avoid showing my face, just because problems may arise if people find out. See what you think:

misery

I feel so miserable now, I spent the last two days hanging ut with friends who are constantly worried about me and my weight. Thus there was a lot of eating involved. All the weight loss I had made from my fast vanished quicker than ever. Can't trust the scale right now since there is still food in my stomache, but even with that knowledge it's almost impossible for me to deal with the reading on my scales. I'll be spending sunday into monday at my father's place and I just know that there will be eating... but they don't have any idea about my eating problems... which should make it significantly easier to get by with eating much less.

Pessimist

Maybe I'd be better off overall as a pessimist. Because then I could just look at everything I do and just immediately assume that I'd fail and thus decide it isn't worth trying, but no instead I'm more of an optimist and go about my dad assuming things will work out in the end, and that I'll manage to succeed.

What makes me start thinking like this today, well because of course I failed at my fast today. On the plus side I did get through two and a half of the days before crashing it to meaninglessness. Decided to hang out with some friends today, and that wound us up at a Chinese restaurant and then the movies. After that I came home and there were brownies. I'll have to find out in the morning exactly how much I've set myself back, but it feels to me like I'm so far away as to make it not worth me trying... though I know that there is no way I can actually give up.

Of course I had tried to stop my fasting, restricting, obsessing over my weight all of it. But when I do I always seem to fall right back to it in at most a week. So it seems like no matter what I'm stuck with these feelings and obsessions... I dunno if I'll ever be able to freely eat and never worry.... I'm dunno if I would ever want to...

End of Day 2

Today was another successful day, I'm starting to feel a bit better about it all too. The weight is starting to drop off, and I'm back down to where I was before I started gaining like crazy from the holiday. Down to 125 according to my scale, 123 according to the bathroom scale. And I'm gaining more followers, up to 15. It's sort of surprising that people actually seem interested about how things are going for me and what I'm doing. That alone feels kinda great. And thanks to everyone who's willing to take time outta their day just to read up on my little life.

Day 2 of 3

So far things have gone pretty good. I can feel my hunger building up more and more, but I have managed to keep it off my mind through coffee, tea, and cigs. All I have to do is make it to wednesday and then I'll be able to have a LITTLE bit of something. Restricting often times feels even better since I waste most of my eating time with planning out what I will actually eat... kinda interesting in a way.

Day 1 of 3

So my fast thus far has gone well. Nothing but coffee and cigarettes, except for one diet coke and one cup of Vanilla Caramel Tea (0 cal). So all in all I went well through the day. The scale has me starting to get back down to an almost reasonable weight but I need to keep it up. Tomorrow will hopefully be more of the same... though I do need to go get more cigs, they help ever so much with my appetite and keeping away from eating.

starting up a new fast

I'm sick and tired of all this wasteful eating that's been going on, today was another day of the same, due in part to visiting my family today. But starting tomorrow I'm getting back on track. Starting with a new fast. I've got plenty of determination, and I'm tired of having to punish myself with every pound I gain... I'm running out of room on my arm and leg... so tomorrow starts up the fast. I'm gonna go for at least 3 days (nothing but diet soda, coffee and cigarettes), and then go onto a strict restriction. This will work, not because I hope it will, but because it HAS to work.

Hate and resolutions

I hate myself so much, ive been hanging out with friends and eating so much. All the holiday meals have hurt me even more and i find myself crying at night over it more and more. My resolution is to get down to 110 by summer. Hopefully ill hit that in spring and can get myself even lower. I just hate it all so much right now