Scared

So I'm sitting outside of a restaurant where I just had dinner. I'm drunk and just ate, and I want to throw up so bad. But deep inside I know that if I start purging I won't be able to stop. It'll become a habit.

But I've been under so much stress. I've got no money, I'm working two jobs to try and make money, bills are die, both my cars need work done, I'm fat..... I hate everything.right now. I want to purge but I can't do it... I'm so scared I don't know what to do.

Lost more

So according to the scale today I have lost a total of 7 lb. Is that a lot? For some reason it seems absurd to have lost 7 in two days... Maybe my mind is screwy?

So never the less I will continue on my 0 cal till May plan. May should be a good month the money will start coming in, I've had to Suit Up which seems to oddly fit me, I will lose more and more weight. And if I can maintain this rate of loss maybe my goal of 120 will be closer than I thought.

Well for now keep at it all you lovely boys an girls, K out.

Next day

So I apparently lost 2lb yesterday, and yet I'm back into the mindset of "it's only 2 lb that's not enough it needs to be more."

Which, of course, is great as long as that is going I'll keep losing. Only problem is I cut yesterday as well. Now thankfully W is used to me sleeping with a shirt on so I can cover up any cuts to my arm, but not my leg... so I need to keep it in check... especially if he wants us to shower together as he does sometimes. How could I explain it to him? Ugh I shouldn't have cut but now it's too late.

Today will be another 0 cal day I'm actually aiming for a 0 cal week... No cals till May! I think I can do it anyone wanna team up for this?

Back again, lets make it last

I return again... again. So far today I've had 6 pieces of sugarless gum, 1 diet Mnt Dew, and lots of water. I desperately need to drop the weight. I've been feeling disgusting and awful. As if I hated looking in mirrors before, now I avoid rooms with them if possible.

I just don't know how people can just go about their life eating all this food and being fine with it, or even weirder: happy about it. It's like "Man this deep fried bacon mayonaise blob is DELISH!" says Mr. 300 pound lardass. Seriously what is up with these people?! Eating this shit, forcing it into their face non stop... and then THEY COMPLAIN ABOUT THEIR WEIGHT!

Here's some ideas: put down the mayo, walk further than the distance between your couch and the fridge, bike swim run (or lumber whatev), fucking DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Stop bitching that you can't lose weight when you don't even try.

Here I am suffering with my weight, so I eat nothing, drink water and diet stuff, take the stairs everywhere, run swim bike... god damn it this nation of grease and fat disgusts me.

FWA day 3

Last two days of Kekwick were successful. I'll have some left over macadamia nuts after today so I think I might continue it tomorrow as well, tho I think I may just go to restricting instead. Veggie burgers, celery, the restriction can definately happen.
So I can't remember what I was before I started this but I know I lost 3 lb between yesterday and today... so at least it's a start.

FWA day 2

OK so im on the second day of kekwick in prep for FWA. So far so good, no deviation nothing but kekwick and diet green tea or diet energy drinks. I'm hoping the diet drinks don't screw up my diet at all. W doesn't see how doing kekwick can drop weight at all saying that sitting around doing art and eating nuts doesn't make sense, which is true... it doesn't make sense that it works but I know that it does. Hopefully I can drop the weight I need to with this, then it'll be on to strict restriction.

We have veggie burgers, and one patty is like 100 cal so I'm thinking that after this diet I can either just restrict or do 2-4-6-8, that should help out... maybe start running as well. Anything to lose weight

FWA

Stress. That seems to be the key for me the most. I'm currently working on coloring a comic due out by March 10th. Add on to that I have no money but need to spend an additional 364 to finish up licensing for my new job. So I'm mega stressed out right now.

And that kicked my drive for weightloss into high gear. I need to get thin by March 17th, that's when we go to the convention to sell the comic. I'm on kekwick right now, just finished day 1. W is kinda supportive but he doesn't see my need for weightloss. Worse is that DW is sort of on to me.

When I first brought up about my previous weight loss she asked if I starved.. and I hesitated. Then when Z jokingly said about the pointer finger being Mr. Pukey she scolded him saying I already look anorexic. But I don't look anorexic I look fat. I wish I could see what other people see. Also a couple days ago Bu was mentioning a car, a Lotus, and said that Z could slide right in and I MIGHT be able to get in. I hated him so much for saying that.

No more food, no more lounging. I need the weight to go, I can't have this anymore. I hate it so much. But now I'm stressed and depressed. I didn't think I would be depressed with W around but I am. So here we go, lose it all by March 10.

Moved in

So I moved in with W now. I'm in a better place now, love him so much. Now I just need to drop the weight off. Thankfully I work a pot and there is a high supply of veggie burgers here so I can switch over to vegetarian all the way easily.

I need to drop off like 20+ lb as quick as possible, I wanna do the kekwick only problem is dieting while not letting him know what's going on too much... He seems to think I don't need to lose weight but I know I do.

So I'll be blogging more now my lovelies!