Mistakes and improvements

Well after some mistakes I've been stuck at 148 :(. Working hard to break past this and today should help quite a bit.

Today I had my diet green tea pills, lots of water, and 2 diet amps. Also decided to try out these FullBars. And they seem to work out pretty well, each one is 170 cals (which is ok), so my total today was 240 cals. So all in all calorie wise I am right on track (nicely under the 500 maximum). I was able to avoid all temptations today which felt nice and empowering.

Still waiting on everything to get rolling as far as my new job, at this point I'm just waiting on getting a bit more money so that I can finish off the Z and then put aside enough money to pay my bills for a month. Once that is all set I will being going all out, hitting the ground running as it were.

Now hopefully I will be getting that money soon as my mom's basement recently had a flood and mold and I still had stuff down there from when I was still living there. So it SEEMS I should be getting enough money for everything that I need soon (as long as mom doesn't try to take a bit more which she might and is grrrrr).

Well that seems to be all for now.

Laters, K

Bad Ana

Ugh, I've been a poor ana. Not entirely on me, though I should have been stronger. W had a frend over, and the whole time (he was here for a week) I had to eat. In front of people. Which scares the shit out of me. And nothing good, not salads and carrots and celery. NO. Fat food, sandwhiches, pasta, FAT! So, now that he's gone I can get back to my ways. My method. No to low food, lose weight. As of today I'm down to 148, good should be better. I am better all ready. Today has been 0 cal, No food, diet drinks, water. YAY! Laters, K

Fasting

So in retribution for eating at the buffet last night. Today was a fasting day. And it went perfectly.

Get over to J's house and tell them I ate at home, get home and say I ate there. Perfect. And I picked up some green tea diet pills that seem to have worked before so they shall again.

According to the scale this morning I maintained my 149 lb. And it currently states that I gained a pound, but I feel it's wrong there. I doubt I gained a pounds from water and diet soda. :/

Anyway, tomorrow is back to normal. No more than 500 Cal. Period.

Later, K

Ruined days

So today everything was going great. I'm are 149 lb, empty stomach. Had some salad and 10 carrot sticks for lunch, right on track doing great!

Then Z comes home from work and tells us he's taking us out to the Japanese buffet. Well, fuck. Fuck my day. I was planning on having MAYBE a veggie Burger with mustard (No bread) but instead get dragged to the buffet.

So I decide fuck it. Make the best of it. 1 eel nigiri, 1 salmon nigiri, 1 of those chickens on a stick, and 2 little cheese things they had. I ate what I could find the calorie count of online (the nigiri, half the chicken stick and the cheese things) which came out to around 500 Cal.

So my plan got fucked but at least I was able to not go too far out of it. Hopefully at worst I'll maintain the weight I got to today. And to make up for it I'll be fasting tomorrow which will be easy considering I won't be home all day and can easily avoid food that way. Ugh.

Other than that my day was uneventful, played some borderlands 2 with W, and stayed in my PJ's most of the day (hello Kitty fleece bottoms and a purple & black striped long sleeve shirt.... Yeah I may be a tiny bit gay :) )

Laters, K

A birthday and a funeral

So I found out my mom's birthday was on Wednesday (I'm terrible with birthdays), so we had to go out to eat for her birthday. I allowed for it figuring that I would be OK with one day's slip.

Next day was my aunt's funeral. There was a dinner after that mom said she didn't want to go to, great thought I, No eating yay. Wrong. After the funeral off we went to a diner. Ugh

Unfortunately with both I need to eat "normal" in front of my mom who has in the past accused me of being anorexic. So I ate my normal meal with her, like a normal person. Every bite killed me. I wanted to cut it into tiny pieces, I wanted to throw it away. I managed to eat half of each meal at least, and then promptly forgot to take it home with me (oops).

Weigh in today at 151. Great. I got fatter. Well make up for it with a better today right? Right.

Today:
1 can of chicken noodle soup - 220 cal
2 cups of coffee with almond milk - 60 Cal
Total: 280

Better, much better. Under 500 is great, 0 is best but Oh well. We will find out tomorrow how well it worked.

Laters, K

150

OK, so slow on the take. Had a lot going on yesterday, and I slipped a bit. Had the friends over for game night and earlier that day I ate 2 tiny slices of pizza (stripping it down to just cheese pizza to the slight bewilderment of W). That came out to ~420 cal, yikes. Then I stayed strong most of the day, until suddenly my body decided it was food time NOW. And I wound up eating a couple pizza bones from my friends pizza they ordered. So I think I wound up under 700 definitely, maybe under 600. I hate not knowing for sure. I hop on the scale this morning so it can tell me how good or bad my day will be, and I'm sitting at 150. Wow, that's a lot, but it's less than the 154 I was at two days ago. So once again, go me (self-high five). So today I MAY be going out to dinner with mom, but I'm not sure, haven't heard anything about it since she brought it up on Wednesday. So maybe, maybe not. *shrug* I am super excite about November, because I will be getting back into being a Merchant of Death (life insurance). Which is a fantastic business to be in, only reason I haven't been doing it is because my Z hasn't been up. With this I am expected to make at least 60k/year and after a while will be given my own office to run (hell yeah). And if there is one thing I have learned in this world is that two things make everything better: Thinness and Money. Laters, K

Not dead!

Hello all you lovlies, it's been a while hasn't it? Well you see I got a weird kind of sick soon after my last post. Felt like I had a frog in my throat non-stop and my throat was sore, white fuzz on tongue (gross). So my reaction was to stop all the diet pills, the chromium, even the vitamins.

Thought I had the big C, which depressed and pissed me off. Mainly because I figured if I had it then it would have to be from smoking... but I don't smoke that much, maybe a pack a day, and I haven't been smoking for very long, maybe 5 years. I know people smoking more and longer who have No problems.

Turns out I had bronchitis and thrush. So... Yeah. Very relieved to hear that. Took care of all that and then just felt crummy and blah for a while. I slipped on my diet, but managed to maintain my weight. Also found out through the course of getting sick and checking my temperature like 5 times a day that my normal temp is 97.5 yeah 1.1 lower than a regular human.

So today and last night I've just been miserably depressed, so I intensified it today by trying on old clothes. They were tight, I was almost in tears. Which of course brings us to the now.

Today I consumed 3 big cups of coffee with fake sweetener in it. Ate 10 baby carrots, and about half a bowl of salad with 45 Cal's of low fat balsamic vinegarette on it. So:

Coffee - 0 cal
10 baby carrots ~20 cal
Salad ~ 10 cal
Dressing - 45 cal
Total - 75 cal
Way to go me!

Now we keep this up forever. I need to stay under 500 Cal to be safe. Safety in certain numbers, safety in emptiness. Control my food, control my life.

Laters, K