Day 2

Another successful fast today. No food, no calories. Coffee and cigarettes. Close call at dinner since mom got chinese food. I was tempted but instead got some of it, took it into the sunoom, then since mom was in the living room, I threw it out into an outside garbage can. I felt much better for getting rid of the food.

It makes sense to throw out the food anyway, even if you eat it it'll still get disposed of, and if you eat it it'll only last you a few moments of pleasure before you start regretting ever having even looked at the food. Bleh. I got the dizzies and I'm exhausted... maybe I can sleep tonight...

Also I apprently finally got below 130... not by much but I'm at 129 as of this afternoon.

0 cal day

No food today. Had a close call at dinner, mom made hamburger helper. I was worried we would be eating at the table, but instead it was a 'grab and go' meal, so I loaded up a bowl headed into the living room with J, and played my PSP for a little bit keeping the bowl nearby until I dumped it into the kitchen garbage after a few minutes. It feels good knowing that while my life is shit right now at least I control what goes into my body.

And today that was nothing but coffee and cigarettes... the smoke not the rest of it. I also got a bit of the dizzies later on which I love. So at lesat food wise it was a good day. Though in a few days I do run into a problem: my friend C is having his birthday celebration and having a barbeque get together. My current plan is to see about getting a salad (my friends know I'm a vegetarian) and maybe nibbling a bit on a piece of lettuce or two.

I just need to make sure tomorrow is like today: No food.

Crushed again

I didn't get the job... or any job I've applied for. My bank account was shut down, I don't have any unemployment coming in even though I'm doing the claims it's getting bogged down in the offices. No job, no money... I don't know how I'm going to pay for the loan again my car (which is 19 days past due), I don't know how I'm gonna pay for insurance on the car (which of course if I don't keep I lose my car to the bank). I have a site up and running (barely) that I won't be able to pay for....

The other day I slept for 12 hours straight... because I couldn't come up with a reason worth getting up for until I had to take care of the dogs... I'm running out of options and losing all hope.

My weight still won't drop below 130, though I have stopped being hungry since I can't afford food anyway... I'm close to just giving up.

Melatonin and green tea

So I've started taking some melatonin to try and sleep... seeing as its 12:27 and I'm wide awake I suppose it's not working too well. But I've also started getting some green tea pills to help burn off some of this terrible fat. Yet I remain at 130 lb... grrr.... Still trying to get a job, though things are looking good for a position selling cars.... yeah kinda like being a member of the darkside but also last time I sold cars I was able to make at least $1K a week at times, also I was at my previous thinnest and I'll do it again to get back to it. Anything.

can't sleep

so here I am on the blog. Yeah I'm bad at keeping the consistency with it all. Apologies. I've just been getting to the level of depression where I can't find a reason to drag myself over to the computer...

Everything sucks right now. I still have no job, no money, and I have to pay for a loan against my Talon as well as the insurance.. I have no gas money which I need so I can go get a job. And noone is willing to lend me some money for gas.

I seem forever stuck in the 130 area, right now at 133. I just wanna drop it down to 100 or less. I have admittedly thought about doing certain things.. but I pull myself back from doing anything... permanent. I just hope my situation improves soon... because right now my life isn't worth living...