Needs

Ugh... I hate this all. Stuck in my parents' place even with two friends as roomates it's not the same. AND my car is STILL down, sitting in the garage with it's engine strewn hither and tither. Not to mention the biggest thing of all: I can't get away from eating!

GAH it's like no matter how hard I work at it I get stuck eating at least one or two meals a day. Once I can move out (even with friends as roomies) I'll be able to eat WHEN and IF I want (which truthfully is to say rarely) but whatever, why can't it be MY choice if I eat?! Why does such a simple and important decision not get to be left up to me, doesn't it make sense for it to be my choice to eat, instead of HAVING to eat because that's what everyone else does.

Namely I can't stand that my weight is currently hovering between the high 130's and low 140's, it's gotta get lower 110, 100, 90, somewhere DECENT.

Blech

Yep, I know I haven't been on by bliggity-blog or my witty-twitter for a while. Mostly been out of it and lots going on at the home. All in all things are going a mix of good and awful around here, but not gonna get into that at the moment, maybe will after all the dust has cleared. Mostly I've been upset with myself, having a day or two that I eat little or nothing, and then pigging out... my weight hasn't changed through it all which is bewildering and infuriating.

Thankfully today I'm here at the college so I will be able to go it all without the use of food, helped out by a delightfully creepy energy drink I found. It's called Blood Energy potion and it's actually in a blood bag like you would use on an IV drip. 25 calories (which is more than my usual 0 from diet stuff), but it's all vitamins and stuff... and 55% of the Iron a person gets from a "normal" 2K calorie diet (frightening), what that means for me is that I'll actually start getting some ot the stuff I know I should be getting to help with my weight-loss... I'm always just too damn lazy to actually take vitamins regularly... Eh, well I should be posting more so hop back and view what I've been up to with my miserable life.

Been a while

Yeah it has... Bleh... So of course since I had done so well with W it would stand to reason that it would all go up in a blaze of self-hate. Had to go out to Pittsburg with mom again only we wound up being stuck out there for an extra day, an extra day of eating, an extra day of annoyance and hate.

So I get back home, check my weight... Up to 142. My arm and leg still hurt from the cuts, and tonight isn't going to be much better. Stuck eating at home and although it wasn't the most calorific unhealthy mess ever (club sandwhich salad) it was still way more than I shouldve had. So this will of course be another night of cutting.

My mood always seems to go down hardcore at night, especially on a day that I ate. And, though I hate to admit it, on a night of intense cutting I wonder if maybe I'll just bleed out... Like maybe I accidently managed to hit a main vein on a cut that was deeper than I meant it to be or something similar... Then I lie there in a cloud of feelings ranging fro
sad to angry to hopeful I wonder if maybe I won't wake up... And I'm never sure if I really want to...

Intimacy

Tonight was a good night and day, no food just cigs and diet soda. What was really good tho was the intimate times with W, albeit I hated having to lie about the cuts and scars (which I merely said were mistakes so not exactly a lie). Also I'm down an additional 2 lb bringing me to 134. So I'm getting closer and I'm sure the time in bed with W helped to burn quite a few calories heh heh.

And now I'm exhausted from a very good and tiring day so off the the magical land of sleep, night all.