scared

I was just outside for a cigarette and spent about 10 minutes trying to purge. I had way to much to eat, and suddenly the urge just hit me. I just felt that I had to purge out. I failed, of course. But stayed scared. Even now I'm terrified, I just feel really really scared and don't know why. I need to keep my eating down, next time I figure I should drink a lot of water right after to do it right. I don't want to do so, but if I eat I just need to get it out. I should just be able to avoid food completely...