The Return

I've been gone for a while. I wish I could say it's because I got cured, life got better, things have been great and never better. Of course that would be a lie. I've been through a lot.

I ended my relationship with W after three years. There were a bunch of reasons but essentially it all boiled down to one thing. W was abusive. He never hit me or raped me, so I'm thankful for that, but mentally, verbally, emotionally, and physically through intimidation and shows of violence around the apartment. It wasn't good, and it kept getting worse and worse.

Then one week he went on vacation with some friends, I wasn't allowed to go, and I spent time online and wound up meeting G. We met in person soon after meeting online. I had only been looking for a friend but I found more.

It was G who helped me end the relationship indirectly. And now we're together and living in Philadelphia.

Am I happy? I don't think I've ever been really happy, but I do have times where I do feel happy, even if it's only for a fleeting moment before it gets washed away by a wave of negativity from my mind.

Am I thin? No. I gained weight during my relationship with W and I wasn't able to get into the mindset to lose that weight.

As it usually goes with me, I'm back to needing to lose weight. I hate my body and I still feel hollow. I always feel hollow. Most of the time I do my best to hide how awful I feel with jokes and smiles, but under it all I still feel empty, listless, worthless... The melancholy of life. Well my life anyway.

There's plenty more to tell and I'll be keeping track of my eating, as per usual. G and I decided to go vegetarian. I put up a fight against it. I think because it's a means to my ends and I'm afraid of just using this like I use everything else. Fuck I'm a terrible person, but maybe I can be a thin terrible person. Then at least I won't feel like crying every time I look in a mirror. Hopefully, I'll just feel like crying sometimes. What can I say, I'm just a silver lining kinda person.

-K

The Return

I've been gone for a while. I wish I could say it's because I got cured, life got better, things have been great and never better. Of course that would be a lie. I've been through a lot.

I ended my relationship with W after three years. There were a bunch of reasons but essentially it all boiled down to one thing. W was abusive. He never hit me or raped me, so I'm thankful for that, but mentally, verbally, emotionally, and physically through intimidation and shows of violence around the apartment. It wasn't good, and it kept getting worse and worse.

Then one week he went on vacation with some friends, I wasn't allowed to go, and I spent time online and wound up meeting G. We met in person soon after meeting online. I had only been looking for a friend but I found more.

It was G who helped me end the relationship indirectly. And now we're together and living in Philadelphia.

Am I happy? I don't think I've ever been really happy, but I do have times where I do feel happy, even if it's only for a fleeting moment before it gets washed away by a wave of negativity from my mind.

Am I thin? No. I gained weight during my relationship with W and I wasn't able to get into the mindset to lose that weight.

As it usually goes with me, I'm back to needing to lose weight. I hate my body and I still feel hollow. I always feel hollow. Most of the time I do my best to hide how awful I feel with jokes and smiles, but under it all I still feel empty, listless, worthless... The melancholy of life. Well my life anyway.

There's plenty more to tell and I'll be keeping track of my eating, as per usual. G and I decided to go vegetarian. I put up a fight against it. I think because it's a means to my ends and I'm afraid of just using this like I use everything else. Fuck I'm a terrible person, but maybe I can be a thin terrible person. Then at least I won't feel like crying every time I look in a mirror. Hopefully, I'll just feel like crying sometimes. What can I say, I'm just a silver lining kinda person.

-K

Things stay crazy

I'm sorry I haven't had the chance to blog lately. That being said it wasn't a lax or lazy time for me. I'm currently down to 142.

Hurricane sandy didn't do much to us here. W had to rescue his parents from NJ though which was an adventure. His mom has a habit of force feeding everyone. You should eat breakfast, want me to make you French toast? An omelet? She will keep asking until you eat something.

Unless you leave before she wakes up and stay gone till after dinner. Which I was usually able to do. Jobs kept me away consistently.

Unfortunately I'm still broke. Turns out I won't be able to go back to insurance until January. I'm sick and tired of having No money, No car, feeling like I have No hope. But things will be better, because I'm getting thinner. And in the end that's what matters most.

Later, K

Things need to get better soon

My life is such shit right now. My dream car is sitting in my garage not running. It's not really broken but it needs to be put back together so of course everything keeps getting in the way. I'm still making shit money barely paying my bills. And of course to top it all off I'm still a pile of fat.

I gotta lose the weight if nothing else, then at least I can be poor and skinny. Seems every time I take a step forward life throws me back 2 steps. Most of the time I just want to curl up and sleep forever.

Come on life, what the fuck did I do so wrong to earn such a fucked existence? I can't even be content with anything, and to make matters worse W has his best friend over a lot who is rich, happy, and thin. His hardest decision is whether to get a Porsche or a BMW. I WISH my life was hard like that. Every time I see him it just reminds me of how shitty everything is for me.

Still doing the kekwick after that it'll be the diet, this weight needs to be gone NOW

152

According to the morning weigh in, I am at 152 today. So down 14 Lb from the start.

Yesterday for some reason I just felt so... lonely. Out of nowhere, no friends over, nobody around, nothing to do... just bleh. I just looked forward to going to bed the whole day... mostly to see if I had lost weight the next day. And there it is, it's taking over my life and brain once again. No complaints.

I'm all the way back, no more fuck ups, the lies return. Oh I ate already, no I'm not hungry, I don't feel well, etc etc etc... And once again my grumbling gurgling churning stomache is the only sound to prove me wrong. If anyone listened for it. I haven't lost enough yet for anyone to take notice and worry, so that's working out for me.

And now I need to go say no to chicken nuggets and every condiment ever.
Laters, K

FWA

Stress. That seems to be the key for me the most. I'm currently working on coloring a comic due out by March 10th. Add on to that I have no money but need to spend an additional 364 to finish up licensing for my new job. So I'm mega stressed out right now.

And that kicked my drive for weightloss into high gear. I need to get thin by March 17th, that's when we go to the convention to sell the comic. I'm on kekwick right now, just finished day 1. W is kinda supportive but he doesn't see my need for weightloss. Worse is that DW is sort of on to me.

When I first brought up about my previous weight loss she asked if I starved.. and I hesitated. Then when Z jokingly said about the pointer finger being Mr. Pukey she scolded him saying I already look anorexic. But I don't look anorexic I look fat. I wish I could see what other people see. Also a couple days ago Bu was mentioning a car, a Lotus, and said that Z could slide right in and I MIGHT be able to get in. I hated him so much for saying that.

No more food, no more lounging. I need the weight to go, I can't have this anymore. I hate it so much. But now I'm stressed and depressed. I didn't think I would be depressed with W around but I am. So here we go, lose it all by March 10.

subway and brinner

Last night was brinner, breakfast for dinner... I couldn't escape. Eggs, potatoes, toast, and even bacon. I had to eat so much. I did afterwards go hardcore biking for 2 hours straight and then go on another 2 hour walk... but I still hated myself. Wish I could purge.

Then today I got a 'treat' from J which was going to Subway his treat for dinner tonight. It was the only thing I had all day, but it was still a Chicken Sandwhich... I did the math: 570 for the sub (very limited stuff on it), and 130 for baked chips (my friend insisted on me getting the meal). so 700... It's ok in a way though.

Last night I binged with the brinner, so before I go full out fast I need to have a little food to wean my body off calories. So a bit today (well a lot, but at least under 1K... which still terrifies me), and then nothing for as long as possible...

0 cal day

No food today. Had a close call at dinner, mom made hamburger helper. I was worried we would be eating at the table, but instead it was a 'grab and go' meal, so I loaded up a bowl headed into the living room with J, and played my PSP for a little bit keeping the bowl nearby until I dumped it into the kitchen garbage after a few minutes. It feels good knowing that while my life is shit right now at least I control what goes into my body.

And today that was nothing but coffee and cigarettes... the smoke not the rest of it. I also got a bit of the dizzies later on which I love. So at lesat food wise it was a good day. Though in a few days I do run into a problem: my friend C is having his birthday celebration and having a barbeque get together. My current plan is to see about getting a salad (my friends know I'm a vegetarian) and maybe nibbling a bit on a piece of lettuce or two.

I just need to make sure tomorrow is like today: No food.

Crushed again

I didn't get the job... or any job I've applied for. My bank account was shut down, I don't have any unemployment coming in even though I'm doing the claims it's getting bogged down in the offices. No job, no money... I don't know how I'm going to pay for the loan again my car (which is 19 days past due), I don't know how I'm gonna pay for insurance on the car (which of course if I don't keep I lose my car to the bank). I have a site up and running (barely) that I won't be able to pay for....

The other day I slept for 12 hours straight... because I couldn't come up with a reason worth getting up for until I had to take care of the dogs... I'm running out of options and losing all hope.

My weight still won't drop below 130, though I have stopped being hungry since I can't afford food anyway... I'm close to just giving up.

can't sleep

so here I am on the blog. Yeah I'm bad at keeping the consistency with it all. Apologies. I've just been getting to the level of depression where I can't find a reason to drag myself over to the computer...

Everything sucks right now. I still have no job, no money, and I have to pay for a loan against my Talon as well as the insurance.. I have no gas money which I need so I can go get a job. And noone is willing to lend me some money for gas.

I seem forever stuck in the 130 area, right now at 133. I just wanna drop it down to 100 or less. I have admittedly thought about doing certain things.. but I pull myself back from doing anything... permanent. I just hope my situation improves soon... because right now my life isn't worth living...

steps forward and back

Why does it always seem like every time I make a malenky bit of progress I get my gulliver beat in and I drop back a bit?! Did pretty good today, lot of time on Wii Fit, nothing but cigarettes and coffee through the day. Then I get stuck having fishsticks and homefries for dinner, no way out either. I fucking hate it. I feel like everything I do just isn't worth it, isn't making a difference... I gotta keep trying though, I will reach my goals.

Gonzo Journalism Holiday Edition

Happy Holidays, it's like a big gaudy neon sign waiting outside of a derelict section of a run-down town. That's how we see it, that's how I see it. Welcome to the holidays, a hellish time that begins with Thanksgiving and Ends just after the New Year. Filled with gluttony, temptation, self-hatred, fights at Wal-Mart for the newest big toy for the tots, and so much more. We see this come every year, the fear starting up sometime in October, mid-November if you're lucky or just forgetful.

A big dinner, family, meat, desserts, temptation, hatred, fear, and loathing. You make it through that and then what comes around the corner but a month full of cookies, and desserts in preparation for the next big step, Christmas and it's merry dinner. It surrounds you and engulfs you. There is no escape, that would be too easy; there is no safe ground, that would be to akin to a heaven. The holidays aren't heaven, they're Hell.

Apparently Hell isn't all fire and brimstone. Instead it comes at you socially and mentally, everyone stuffing themselves with the bounties and gorging away at whatever food they can get to their hands. It's cold, it's full of bright lights and gifts. But make thee no mistake, it's Hell just the same. It just comes in pretty wrapping paper.

You fight through it all, hoping to come out okay. Each day goes by, or is it a month.. maybe a year I can never tell since it feels all the same. Meals, visits, desserts, gifts... tears, cries, sobs, slice after slice for the mistakes and falls. We get to scramble through these Holiday Hells, hurt on the inside... smiling on the out. Each time 'I made it, somehow... some way... I dunno how I'm gonna do it again. But good news.

Next year it'll be here again, with the lights and noise, visits and meals, tears and sobs... happy holidays...

train of thought

Scale, by the bed, under the cover. Lord of my mind, my life. It rules over me, taking away the freedom I wish for so much but yet I feel comforted by it's absolute law. The numbers it gives me are the truth, that which I must obey, like a teisted golf score. The lower score wins, higher score gets me scorn...

Mirrors, face away from the mirrors, no window to the soul... only a gaze at the flaws. That which must change, that needs to change. Thinner thinner thinner... lose it all... fade away...

Knife, by the bed, an arm's length away. Enforcer of the rule of Lord Scale. The punisher of my sins. Slice, a pound. Slice, a hundred calories. Slice away, the pain is the punishment that I deserve...

Clothes, the mockery of myself. Baggy pants, loose shirt, long sleeves. Hide the shame. Hide the body. Hide the scars.

Smiles, jokes, laughs... Mask, lies, acts... hide the truth, hide the tears, hide the hate...

Rub my hands, the obsession grows. Do they know? Do they suspect? Do they see through the acts?

Will they try to stop me?

Can I allow myself to let them try?

Blah

I've been neglecting my blog and dear readers and I feel bad about it. It's been a mix of two major things really. A) Craziness in my life trying to figure out how to get a job and get my car fixed and deal with various different drama situations from various groups of friends. B) I've been getting more and more depressed lately. And lonely. And it sucks. I've eaten way more than I should have today, and now the worst thing is that my weight is going up and down constantly. Some days it'll be a little on the low side, then it'll go up a few pounds, then back down. I gotta find a way to just set myself back on track.

A few days ago I was in the shower after one moment of sudden eating and decided I would try to purge. Even with drinking 20 oz. of water I couldn't seem to do it. Which actually made me feel even worse. It's like I'm not even good enough to be able to purge at all, there are plenty of people out there who can do it, so why not me. It's not that I REALLY want to purge but sometimes after I eat my mind just decides it's what needs to be done. I dunno... maybe I'm just fucked up.

starting up a new fast

I'm sick and tired of all this wasteful eating that's been going on, today was another day of the same, due in part to visiting my family today. But starting tomorrow I'm getting back on track. Starting with a new fast. I've got plenty of determination, and I'm tired of having to punish myself with every pound I gain... I'm running out of room on my arm and leg... so tomorrow starts up the fast. I'm gonna go for at least 3 days (nothing but diet soda, coffee and cigarettes), and then go onto a strict restriction. This will work, not because I hope it will, but because it HAS to work.

Hate and resolutions

I hate myself so much, ive been hanging out with friends and eating so much. All the holiday meals have hurt me even more and i find myself crying at night over it more and more. My resolution is to get down to 110 by summer. Hopefully ill hit that in spring and can get myself even lower. I just hate it all so much right now