Back again, lets make it last

I return again... again. So far today I've had 6 pieces of sugarless gum, 1 diet Mnt Dew, and lots of water. I desperately need to drop the weight. I've been feeling disgusting and awful. As if I hated looking in mirrors before, now I avoid rooms with them if possible.

I just don't know how people can just go about their life eating all this food and being fine with it, or even weirder: happy about it. It's like "Man this deep fried bacon mayonaise blob is DELISH!" says Mr. 300 pound lardass. Seriously what is up with these people?! Eating this shit, forcing it into their face non stop... and then THEY COMPLAIN ABOUT THEIR WEIGHT!

Here's some ideas: put down the mayo, walk further than the distance between your couch and the fridge, bike swim run (or lumber whatev), fucking DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Stop bitching that you can't lose weight when you don't even try.

Here I am suffering with my weight, so I eat nothing, drink water and diet stuff, take the stairs everywhere, run swim bike... god damn it this nation of grease and fat disgusts me.

FWA

Stress. That seems to be the key for me the most. I'm currently working on coloring a comic due out by March 10th. Add on to that I have no money but need to spend an additional 364 to finish up licensing for my new job. So I'm mega stressed out right now.

And that kicked my drive for weightloss into high gear. I need to get thin by March 17th, that's when we go to the convention to sell the comic. I'm on kekwick right now, just finished day 1. W is kinda supportive but he doesn't see my need for weightloss. Worse is that DW is sort of on to me.

When I first brought up about my previous weight loss she asked if I starved.. and I hesitated. Then when Z jokingly said about the pointer finger being Mr. Pukey she scolded him saying I already look anorexic. But I don't look anorexic I look fat. I wish I could see what other people see. Also a couple days ago Bu was mentioning a car, a Lotus, and said that Z could slide right in and I MIGHT be able to get in. I hated him so much for saying that.

No more food, no more lounging. I need the weight to go, I can't have this anymore. I hate it so much. But now I'm stressed and depressed. I didn't think I would be depressed with W around but I am. So here we go, lose it all by March 10.

...

So and friend and I are trying to get into my house today, the sliding door is open just a bit I could get most of me but my ribcage in... so he says to stand back and he'll try since he's thinner than me. He still didn't make it but now I feel incredibly aweful. I just wanna die am I really that fat? I mean I know I'm bigger than I wanna be and I need to lose weight but I didn't think I would be getting comments on it. Well that means that I need to drop from the current 137 down to 100. My stomache has been feeling weird lately and I've at times been in some pretty good pain, I can use that as an excuse still to eat less since I do usually feel full after even the littlest bit of food. I'm gonna have to kick that up even more. Now I have a refueled need to lose weight. I think the worst part is he knows I have issues with me weight.....

update and more

So first off, sorry for now posting since my trip to NYC (fun and a disaster all at once). Anyway, I've been doing terribly, almost everyday I wind up eating way too much... but oddly the scale tells me I haven't gotten as bad as I feel I have. Currently at 135. Moderately confused too.

Today I had to go to a pizza place with friends. Had to get two slices of plain, it was all I had today, I wanted nothing but my friend D insisted (he was paying for everyone). Three of them (D, B, and J) had this 4-cheese pizza, it was a heart attack in the shape of a pizza. I was nauseous just looking at it, all I could see were the calories.

Well let's call what I did in my eating up to now a short break... it wasn't since I hated it every minute, and my arm and thigh are now covered in cuts... and of course more will be there by bed-time... if I even get to sleep, insomnia has been really bad lately. Then again, at least when I get insomnia I'm always up and doing stuff so at least I'm burning a bit more right?

As for the 'more' part of the post I decided to write down my own personal Thin Commandments. My rules to live by. Numbered but not in order of importance, they're all equally important, just by whichever comes to mind first.

1. Don't talk about Ana to anyone who knows you. You're fine, the voice is helping.
2. Thou shalt not eat meat.
3. Thou shalt not purge, if you eat too much deal with you're mistake. You'll hate yourself and motivate yourself more.
4. Thou shalt not eat after 7pm.
5. Thy scale is the Lord. It will tell you how you feel today.
6. Be careful with exercise. Aim for thin not muscled. But if you exercise do it till you drop. Then get up and do more.
7. Don't eat unless you have no way out. If you have no way out eat less.
8. Avoid mirrors, they only show you your flaws.
9. Never give up, it's never too late.
10. Wear baggy clothes, they hide your terrible body.

last two days

I was lazy and didn't get around to posting these last two days... well lazy and ashamed. On wednesday I had a small chicken wrap that left my weight unchanged, and yesterday I had to have chinese buffet with a bunch of friends... and according to my scale I've gone up 3 lb. I hate myself for all this eating, and I plan on doing nothing but exercise today, I've gotta get this weight off... I'm so far from perfect...