The fuzzies

My mind has been covered in the fuzzies all day long. Part of me, as always, gets annoyed by it. Making it more difficult to focus on things, thinking, staring off into space. But then the better part of me is thrilled at the fact that it means my body is starting to deal with going on less than 1000 calories... most of the time lately less than 500 calories.

Today being one of those less than 500 days. I was supposed to go out with another agent on an appointment today, but it turned out to be canceled and I wound up just lazing in bed till I had to get up and help W transfer tools with another of his co-workers. While sitting at the van having a cigarette I tried to think of what we were going to do with an appointment tomorrow... and I couldn't think. At all, the end.

It was a little thrilling. My sense is back to me. I smile on the inside more as the pain in my stomach grows. Even the familiar feeling of the body being hungry but not for a specific thing, just sort of hungry in general. And I know that I can say no, and I can avoid food just like I always did before.

And what was on the plate today? Well at one point I couldn't really avoid W asking about what I'd had and that I should eat (I have a habit of aimlessly wandering over to the fridge, opening it and then closing it without taking any food... like all the time). So I decided to make some lunch. Of course an anorexic's lunch can be a sight to behold.

30 minutes to make a sandwich. I had to pull out anything that could go on it. Scrutinize over the calories and fat count. Decide what out of it all could go on that would be alright. And then actually do the math and add it all up to get my total.

I split a potato hamburger bun into two (one bun is 130 calories). Then I got out some sliced ham and turkey and decided that having two sandwiches would be harder to eat than one, spreading it out would make more that I have to eat and thus make me less able to get through it all. 1 oz of ham (40 calories) went between the two halves of bun, and 1 oz of turkey (50 calories) went on next. Then I split a single slice of muenster cheese between the two of them (80 calories). And finished it up by putting mustard all over these two open-face sandwiches.

At that point W had to leave on a job. So I nibbled and drank diet soda for the course of 40 minutes. And then after managing to get through one of the two sandwiches I went and threw the other out, hiding it under other pieces of trash to hide it nicely. So if I would have eaten it all: 300 calories. Instead I took that and got through half. So 150 calories for the day.

The fuzzies stayed with me for most of the day. Then at one point I had to go over to Z's place to print a form that I will need at tomorrow's appointment (my printer just ran out of ink and I'm too poor to get more). I had a glass of water and turned down his offering of food (I just ate I lied to him). I got everything printed out (finding everything I needed was a bit confusing, not sure if that's because of the business itself or the fuzzies) and after 2 hours finally left to go back home to W.

He was just making dinner and of course asked if I wanted some, but I casually turned it down saying I just wasn't hungry. And so I sat with him while he ate and we watched some TV, rubbing his back after a while. It was a nice night. But at one point while walking past the kitchen I got drawn in.

I opened the pantry and looked right at the swiss rolls sitting on the shelf. I craved them, and I craved them hard. I nearly reached for them with a part of my mind saying 'you've only had 150 calories today, 200 more wouldn't be too bad'. But I was able to pull myself away from it all. quickly I was out the door to the balcony to have another cigarette.

And then the craving was gone, I just had to wait the few minutes of my smoke. Why yes the swiss rolls would be nice to have, but no thanks. I'd rather be thin.

So today was good. 150 calories, resisting temptation everywhere I went, and now I'm sitting here with a cup of vanilla honey chamomille tea.

Laters, K

Another day on track

Today went very well. Could have gone down though, I did have a slight bit of temptation. Mostly it was due to a very boring day. But thankfully once against my job saved the day.

I woke up at my usual time to get ready for appointments, only to find that the first two were rescheduled due to weather. So instead we only had one appointment at 4pm. So I meandered around the apartment wasting some time, drinking some diet soda, black coffee, cigarette cigarette cigarette.

After a while I decided to run out for some gas, and the temptation hit full force at the gas station. I grabbed a diet Amp and then the junk foods. Everywhere, gas stations are designed to get us to eat it seems. And of course nothing but the worst of foods to eat there as well.

I must look odd standing in the food aisles staring at different foods. Pick up a cookie, read the calories, put it back. Pick up a muffin, read, refuse. I studied the entire aisle, my body desiring every piece I saw. Eventually I did actually get something, a protein meal bar. 170 calories.

Fine, you can have this bit right here. That's all your getting. After an hour of nibbling on that and drinking my diet amp, then soda, then more coffee it was time for the appointment. My mind is already getting a bit of the fuzzies, I love it. The wool on the brain, it tells me that I'm doing things right.

After the rather uneventful appointment I went back home. W was away on work so I was free to sit around and do basically nothing for a while. Read a bit of Wasted (love that book). He came home around 6 and decided it was dinner time. I had soup, he had a sandwich and a salad.

The soup was 220 calories, and I took as long as possible with it. Long enough to manage only the soup, but not long enough for W to question it. We watched some TV after that.

And I realize now that this post must sound very boring.... but I've still got the fuzzies, and my sinuses are full of pressure so my mind isn't quite on par...

So then let's throw in some more good news. A couple of days ago I needed my credit checked to get an appointment with a company. I was denied due to a big charge on my credit. $946! From something I had never heard of. This wasn't boding well.

After a bit of research I found that it was a company that bought debt and tried to get paid on it. Well as it turned out I had two options: Get rid of this from my credit, or never get appointed and lose my new job.

After scraping together everything I had, and a few phone calls to the company I was able to get it settled for $300. Which for right now is a LOT, but in the long run it's not too bad. This is a job that is on average 6 figures. So I think for now I can deal with the 300 loss. And at least it's helped clear up my credit.

I weighed myself two days ago: 155
Yesterday: 153
Today: 151

This is a very good thing. I need to keep this up. When I'm back on track I always want to go to bed, sleep away the cravings and see what I've lost in the morning. That makes all the difference really. The morning. Lost some weight? Good you're on track, now keep it up and lose more. Gained some weight? You filthy pig, you're not allowed to eat anything today. A win win really for me.

Although admittedly for the last long while I haven't been on track. So I wasn't starving after weighing, I was cutting. Punishing. Trying to get a grasp back on my eating. And now I've got it, and I won't let go. I can't let go.

Tomorrow will be interesting, no appointments. No escape from home, from food. Salads? Hopefully I can do a day of salad without any questions. Here's to a better tomorrow.

Laters, K

steps forward and back

Why does it always seem like every time I make a malenky bit of progress I get my gulliver beat in and I drop back a bit?! Did pretty good today, lot of time on Wii Fit, nothing but cigarettes and coffee through the day. Then I get stuck having fishsticks and homefries for dinner, no way out either. I fucking hate it. I feel like everything I do just isn't worth it, isn't making a difference... I gotta keep trying though, I will reach my goals.

today

Today I spent the day at the movies with T and BR. I managed to get away with: 1 Diet Amp, 3 Diet Cokes, and 1 pack of cigarettes. So the day was pretty good, we spent it at our Promenade Mall, I of course in my typical fashion of white button up shirt, black pants (that are currently TOO TIGHT and I will change myself for that), black buckled vest, black trenchcoat, and black top hat. So my friends looking like normal people and then me walking around looking like a Victorian Vampire (pale skin helps). I tend to get compliments on my looks from people and I've had girls say they want my legs and whatnot, I just don't see it. I look into a mirror and what I see there is clearly different from what everyone else sees. My friends joke that I wear clothes to stop a stiff breeze from carrying me away, but I wear baggy clothes to hide my body instead. I wish I weren't so big, I just wanna be thin and perfect... and it's hard to get there but of course if it wasn't hard then it wouldn't be worth it.

back on track

Magnesium Citrate... my own little magic potion. I had too much food this weekend, I was a bit desperate and know what works. I downed the whole bottle with plenty of water... and then the rest was up to my body and science. Now that the weekend is over I can get myself back on track, I started today.

While working with BR we went to Subway. I ordered a turkey sub, no cheese, no dressing, plenty of odd looks (so what if I wanna lose weight and eat non-fatty stuff), I nibbled a bit on it as well as a Baked potato chip. The only problem arose when BR asked me if I was done, he noticed saying that it looked like I only took two bites out of my sub. So while he was looking away I tore most of it off and threw it away. There... now it looks like I ate... happy?

Later on my mom decided to make some meatloaf, I was able to dodge around all night to avoid it (thankfully we aren't a sit at the table kinda family, especially with J living here). Only once did J mention that we should get food, thankfully I was able to dodge that just fine. The worst part came while I was in the living room watching House, aparently my sister and another live-in TO decided to bake cookies. TO walked in and handed me a cookie... and there I sat holding it, shaking a bit. I wanted so bad to just eat it, and yet I was terrified to. After half and hour of watching House holding the cookie (breaking it into little pieces in case I gave in and ate it) I threw it in the garbage and walked out for a cigarette... I felt terrified and angry at the cookie... kinda felt stupid for being so angry at a cookie.

I probably wasn't angry at the cookie, just the idea of eating and getting fatter and fatter... especially after my mom said that my face was looking less drawn out and sick, that I looked healthier, which she immediately followed by saying that I didn't look big at all just healthy... If only she knew that to me healthy IS fat. I don't care about being healthy, hell I don't wanna grow old and wrinkly and grey anyway... I just wanna be thin, perfect, small... is it so wrong to aim for this?

Bleh

Today turned out better than i thought it would. I had 3 hotdogs witg diet sobe green tea. Other than that just cigs and coffee. Managed to lose 3lb. Tho by the end of the night i had an upset stomache from all the coffee, ah well the pain for perfection. Tomorrow will be a fasting day, unless a friend or roomate gets in the way

the fast continues

Today was more fasting. Not a crumb of food went past my lips today. The temptations were there but my willpower turned out to be even greater than food. That's two days down. 8 more to go. I have this terrible feeling that on sunday I may be forced to break my fast, not positive yet. Should I be forced into eating I'll be going for the absolute lowest amount. Even if I would want to go for more, I have no doubt that my stomache has shrank already, which is a glorious thing.

I feel I'm starting to get the nice euphoric surge from starving, though I did notice that I was a lot more irratible today, but nothing great will come without sacrifice. I'm looking forward and at the same time dreading looking at the scales, I want so much for my weight to drop but I'm terrified that it won't be dropping as much as I want it to.

fasting

So I went on board for a 10 day fast in reply to another blog... only to find out that her 10 day fast started 10 days ago, thus is over. So I decided fuck it, I'll do it anyway. So today was the first day. 1 day no food, no juice, food, anything. Just coffee, cigarettes and diet coke. Though there was a bit of a slip up in the form of 7 shots of peppermint schnapps, but even that shouldn't be too bad since it still wasn't food. The fast itself remains intact. And I feal pretty damn good about it. Haven't weighed myself yet out of fear of looking upon my weight but I have a fairly good feeling about it.

So I'll put it out there, anyone up to join on the 10 day fast? It's been started on this side already, 1 day down 9 more to go. Let's all be strong together, we can do it, we have the willpower that others lack. No doubts, no excuses. Just success.

restrictions restrictions

First off: Wow 19 followers, meaing at least 19 people regularly actually give half a shit of what goes on in my life. Thanks guys I really mean it, it's a great help to know that some people out there do seem to care or at least have a passing interest you help me out a lot.

So today was a restriction day... not incredibly successful (2 slices of pizza, a cookie, a starbucks gingerbread coffee (sugarfree), and a brownie), but somehow through all that I managed to actually lose a little bit of weight. Currently down to 126, still too much, gotta lose a lot more. Sometimes I go by physical signs instead of weight though, for example you can sort of see what I look for in my photo there, the abdomen area for me has a solid line of my ab-muscle going from solar plexus to my hips, if I can feel a bit around it at least I can tell that I'm not too bad off. If I can't feel it at all then I really freak out for a while. I also go by a lot of measurements of my body (and yes here you are getting my real current stats):
fore arm: 9in
Wrist: 6in
Waist: 28in
Hips: 34in
Bust: 32in
Thigh: 18in
Ankle: 7in

Maybe that's a bit further than most people go, but then again I can't exactly say that I'm like most people.

In other news: Lost my job. Yeah, go me. Lost it on tuesday, needless to say I was... irrate. As if I don't get irritable enough from constant depression and hunger, then stress at home, they go ahead and through that right on top of the heap. It sucks. Bad. On the plus side (hopefully): I'm going to the place where a few of my friends currently work tomorrow to apply for a job. If things work out I'll manage to net myself a job. Not the job I would prefer there, but at least it's a foor in the door. And a few of my friends there have enough sway to hopefully help me get into a REAL position there, one where I can more freely take breaks. Not that breaks is the major concern (added bonus really), but also it's a pay increase from 8.50/hr to 12/hr. That's a nice pay up. Hell, even 8.50 is a little more than a dollar more than what I was getting at my last job. And that wasn't part time.

Ah yeah, part time to full time. Not something I especially look forward to but I figure: A) I'm not currently in any classes at college and B) I REALLY need the money.

So here's hoping my luck works out. My luck is kinda odd, I've managed to escape death (not even a joke there, I'll get into that later) with my luck and get a nice sports car to name a few off the top of my head. And I get this feeling my luck may help me out with the job search as well.

So this has been a rather large post, I hope you all didn't mind my ranting about the non-ED part of my life, but it all ties together in one way or another.

Brand New Day

So college is starting up tomorrow which I'm thankful for, even though I won't actually be attending (no money = no classes), but I'm going to go hang out there when I can until I officially go back next semester. At the very least it will allow me to stay away from home and let me get away from food temptations. Noone at the college knows of my little problem with food, so noone pressures me to eat. Today is going pretty good, currently going with the plan of No Plan.

Today has been 3 cups of Vanilla Caramel Tea with artificial sweetener. Haven't had the chance to hit up a cigarette yet though, and I do want one quite a bit. My craving isn't bad at all which I attribute to the fairly good quantity of liquid in my belly right now. As long as I can keep myself together and not fall into a pattern of eating more than 1K Cal then I should start to get back down to where I NEED to be.

restrictions

So first off my internet is working just fine now, just thought I'd get that outta the way first. My restricting has been going pretty well today, a Nurtigrain bar (120 cal) and a bowl of vegetable soup (220 cal) bringing my total in at 340 cal, that and diet soda and cigarettes pretty much fleshes out my day today. The only thing I dread is that tomorrow I will be with my dad and thus there will most likely be eating, I think I'll do fine as long as we don't go to some buffet or something of similar nonsense.

Restricting again

I decided to restrict a bit, until maybe tuesday or wednesday. Today went fairly well with that, 2 cups of yogurt, coffee, cigarettes, and a cookie (though the cookie made me feel awful). No real weight loss from today but I figure my body is trying to catch back up with it all, so the next few days should be much better.

I guess things are still looking a little ok. Decided to snap a pic of myself while laying in bed, I'm honestly going to try to avoid showing my face, just because problems may arise if people find out. See what you think:

End of Day 2

Today was another successful day, I'm starting to feel a bit better about it all too. The weight is starting to drop off, and I'm back down to where I was before I started gaining like crazy from the holiday. Down to 125 according to my scale, 123 according to the bathroom scale. And I'm gaining more followers, up to 15. It's sort of surprising that people actually seem interested about how things are going for me and what I'm doing. That alone feels kinda great. And thanks to everyone who's willing to take time outta their day just to read up on my little life.

Day 2 of 3

So far things have gone pretty good. I can feel my hunger building up more and more, but I have managed to keep it off my mind through coffee, tea, and cigs. All I have to do is make it to wednesday and then I'll be able to have a LITTLE bit of something. Restricting often times feels even better since I waste most of my eating time with planning out what I will actually eat... kinda interesting in a way.

Day 1 of 3

So my fast thus far has gone well. Nothing but coffee and cigarettes, except for one diet coke and one cup of Vanilla Caramel Tea (0 cal). So all in all I went well through the day. The scale has me starting to get back down to an almost reasonable weight but I need to keep it up. Tomorrow will hopefully be more of the same... though I do need to go get more cigs, they help ever so much with my appetite and keeping away from eating.

starting up a new fast

I'm sick and tired of all this wasteful eating that's been going on, today was another day of the same, due in part to visiting my family today. But starting tomorrow I'm getting back on track. Starting with a new fast. I've got plenty of determination, and I'm tired of having to punish myself with every pound I gain... I'm running out of room on my arm and leg... so tomorrow starts up the fast. I'm gonna go for at least 3 days (nothing but diet soda, coffee and cigarettes), and then go onto a strict restriction. This will work, not because I hope it will, but because it HAS to work.

friends

So I'm hanging out with some friends these past few days, which has been good and bad. The good, kind of, is that they keep occassionally saying about how I'm really thin and need to eat more. The bad part, really bad, is that we do wind up eating. Though I should be able to stave it off more now. Today I had a chicken ceasar salad and I should be able to avoid further eating. Just n eed to consume more coffee and cigarettes.

130

So after a terrible holiday season it seems I'm up a lot more than I ever wanted to be... now to lose that weight again. I'm on the right track today... coffee, cigarettes, and a bit of carrot and celery. A good kick start for now, I just gotta keep at it till I'm back down, and then some.

127

Well I'm finally down from 128 after what seemed like AGES. Restricting seemed to pay off a little bit, and thus I'll continue that again today. Sitting here with a cup of yogurt waiting for the ice outside to die down so I can go out X-Mas shopping. I really can't wait for spring and summer, it's hard enough for me to be CONSTANTLY cold, but when the weather is sub freezing it's even worse, especially when I'm out with my cigarettes...

125...

So yesterday I managed to go ahead and ruin what I was doing. But today was better, and tomorrow will be even more so. I had some pizza today (roughly 450 cal) and diet soda. And cigarettes... life-savers right there, lower my appetite and keep my mind off food. Tomorrow's plan is to fast, probably friday as well. Then on saturday I'm going to a banquet at a boy scout troop for my kid brother, no doubt there will be plenty of food, and I need to search through it all for nothing but salad if possible, if not I'll have to go with as little as possible.

Semester is over, and I managed to fail two out of three classes, go me. I found out I should be able to get in next semester, which was determined by when the last chance to put up for payment plan is (Jan 6th plenty of time). So now I just need to register for my classes and save up my money. Thankfully some good luck is coming my way as a new car, I've been getting sick and tired of driving around in a car with only 3 gears and no music. It's really the no music part that kills me.

I'm also tired of being stuck at the mid-twenties. I'll be getting down to the high teens ASAP. I have my goal date and will do whatever I can to get there at that time.