The fuzzies

My mind has been covered in the fuzzies all day long. Part of me, as always, gets annoyed by it. Making it more difficult to focus on things, thinking, staring off into space. But then the better part of me is thrilled at the fact that it means my body is starting to deal with going on less than 1000 calories... most of the time lately less than 500 calories.

Today being one of those less than 500 days. I was supposed to go out with another agent on an appointment today, but it turned out to be canceled and I wound up just lazing in bed till I had to get up and help W transfer tools with another of his co-workers. While sitting at the van having a cigarette I tried to think of what we were going to do with an appointment tomorrow... and I couldn't think. At all, the end.

It was a little thrilling. My sense is back to me. I smile on the inside more as the pain in my stomach grows. Even the familiar feeling of the body being hungry but not for a specific thing, just sort of hungry in general. And I know that I can say no, and I can avoid food just like I always did before.

And what was on the plate today? Well at one point I couldn't really avoid W asking about what I'd had and that I should eat (I have a habit of aimlessly wandering over to the fridge, opening it and then closing it without taking any food... like all the time). So I decided to make some lunch. Of course an anorexic's lunch can be a sight to behold.

30 minutes to make a sandwich. I had to pull out anything that could go on it. Scrutinize over the calories and fat count. Decide what out of it all could go on that would be alright. And then actually do the math and add it all up to get my total.

I split a potato hamburger bun into two (one bun is 130 calories). Then I got out some sliced ham and turkey and decided that having two sandwiches would be harder to eat than one, spreading it out would make more that I have to eat and thus make me less able to get through it all. 1 oz of ham (40 calories) went between the two halves of bun, and 1 oz of turkey (50 calories) went on next. Then I split a single slice of muenster cheese between the two of them (80 calories). And finished it up by putting mustard all over these two open-face sandwiches.

At that point W had to leave on a job. So I nibbled and drank diet soda for the course of 40 minutes. And then after managing to get through one of the two sandwiches I went and threw the other out, hiding it under other pieces of trash to hide it nicely. So if I would have eaten it all: 300 calories. Instead I took that and got through half. So 150 calories for the day.

The fuzzies stayed with me for most of the day. Then at one point I had to go over to Z's place to print a form that I will need at tomorrow's appointment (my printer just ran out of ink and I'm too poor to get more). I had a glass of water and turned down his offering of food (I just ate I lied to him). I got everything printed out (finding everything I needed was a bit confusing, not sure if that's because of the business itself or the fuzzies) and after 2 hours finally left to go back home to W.

He was just making dinner and of course asked if I wanted some, but I casually turned it down saying I just wasn't hungry. And so I sat with him while he ate and we watched some TV, rubbing his back after a while. It was a nice night. But at one point while walking past the kitchen I got drawn in.

I opened the pantry and looked right at the swiss rolls sitting on the shelf. I craved them, and I craved them hard. I nearly reached for them with a part of my mind saying 'you've only had 150 calories today, 200 more wouldn't be too bad'. But I was able to pull myself away from it all. quickly I was out the door to the balcony to have another cigarette.

And then the craving was gone, I just had to wait the few minutes of my smoke. Why yes the swiss rolls would be nice to have, but no thanks. I'd rather be thin.

So today was good. 150 calories, resisting temptation everywhere I went, and now I'm sitting here with a cup of vanilla honey chamomille tea.

Laters, K

A disaster and an improvement

So yesterday me and a bunch of friends got together at my mom's place to have a meal. Joy.

Now the meal itself was fairly healthy, J made his Tropical Chili (Apple, Mango, Mandarin Orange, Black beans, Chicken, White Rice). So as far as the actual health and calories it wasn't as bad as it could be. I myself ate 3/4th of a bowl of it. Still too much but I had to eat to appear normal. With it I drank plenty of diet soda of course.

However of course this led to me later on having to cut. Now I made a bad choice on this one. My left arm is mostly scar at this point I feel, so I decided that since I haven't cut my leg in a while I would cut there. Simple enough to hide I figured, it's cold and long pants can always hide the scars.

Now the next part requires a bit of preface. As you all know I am gay, very gay. And not manly about it either, I'm a fem, girly boi. I like to wear girls clothes often as well (pants and shirts, I don't go around in skirts and dresses). And W likes me in girly things as well. I had forgotten that he had ordered me a side tie bikini... and it arrived today as I got home from work.

Of course he wanted to see me in it right away and all I could think about were the fresh slices on my left thigh. So after trying to hide my leg and avoiding wearing the bikini (he ordered me a small which is apparently size 0-2) eventually I couldn't avoid it. It did fit well and I do like it and look forward to wearing it... but he did notice the cuts on my leg. He commented on it and I just brushed it aside with a Yeah and ignored it from there, although I did notice him look at my leg often and rub his hand over it.

As far as my eating today I was a little disappointed but all in all I did fairly well. 5 chicken nuggets (230 calories) with yellow mustard (0 calories). I drank nothing but diet soda and ate nothing else today. so my total is 230 calories. Today at my weigh-in I was up from 148 to 149 lb, with today that should be cut back down to at least 148 maybe 147.

In other news for today, I have finally completed all of my initial online courses and contracting for my new position. So now I can finally start writing some business. I won't go into any specifics of my position but after a few years I can be looking at making 6 figures, this is very good. I'm tired of being the poorest person I know.

Laters, K

152

According to the morning weigh in, I am at 152 today. So down 14 Lb from the start.

Yesterday for some reason I just felt so... lonely. Out of nowhere, no friends over, nobody around, nothing to do... just bleh. I just looked forward to going to bed the whole day... mostly to see if I had lost weight the next day. And there it is, it's taking over my life and brain once again. No complaints.

I'm all the way back, no more fuck ups, the lies return. Oh I ate already, no I'm not hungry, I don't feel well, etc etc etc... And once again my grumbling gurgling churning stomache is the only sound to prove me wrong. If anyone listened for it. I haven't lost enough yet for anyone to take notice and worry, so that's working out for me.

And now I need to go say no to chicken nuggets and every condiment ever.
Laters, K

Day 4

So I wake up today, stomache still hurting. Onto the scale I tread and behold... the same weight I had yesterday. 159 still, seriously?! Come on body, we need to be on the same page here. We need to lose weight, period. The end.

Whatever, maintaining isn't a sin, gaining is. I can deal with this. I guess my calories yesterday were too much, so I'll shoot for lower today. Here's hoping. Also, thankfully, W hasn't noticed anything yet. Hasn't noticed my rules, my lower intake, my tiny little bites, drinking only one can of soda a day instead of 12, drinking more tea and water. I'm glad, I don't want him to catch on, or else he'll try to make me stop, most people would.

And that's why I'm here, to gain support and love from the rest of us. The ones who care deeply about our weight. The ones willing to go to any lengths to get what we need and desire. The ones who know how painful and tough it is, and yet keep going knowing how completely worth it it is.

Laters, K

Next Day

So currently I'm at 160 lb, so 4 lb gone. So far today it's been 1 can of soda (170 cal), 1 Diet Amp (10 cal), 1 Nutrigrain bar (140 cal) bringing the total to 320. I'm not proud of this, and now W wants to have dinner which is a steak filet (230 cal) and mashed potatoes (~120 cal). If I eat this I'll be at 670. On the plus side it's under 1k cal but I was hoping to stay around 400 today... Maybe I'll eat a bit of the steak and some potatoes and bring that down.

Laters, K

Back again, lets make it last

I return again... again. So far today I've had 6 pieces of sugarless gum, 1 diet Mnt Dew, and lots of water. I desperately need to drop the weight. I've been feeling disgusting and awful. As if I hated looking in mirrors before, now I avoid rooms with them if possible.

I just don't know how people can just go about their life eating all this food and being fine with it, or even weirder: happy about it. It's like "Man this deep fried bacon mayonaise blob is DELISH!" says Mr. 300 pound lardass. Seriously what is up with these people?! Eating this shit, forcing it into their face non stop... and then THEY COMPLAIN ABOUT THEIR WEIGHT!

Here's some ideas: put down the mayo, walk further than the distance between your couch and the fridge, bike swim run (or lumber whatev), fucking DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Stop bitching that you can't lose weight when you don't even try.

Here I am suffering with my weight, so I eat nothing, drink water and diet stuff, take the stairs everywhere, run swim bike... god damn it this nation of grease and fat disgusts me.

FWA day 2

OK so im on the second day of kekwick in prep for FWA. So far so good, no deviation nothing but kekwick and diet green tea or diet energy drinks. I'm hoping the diet drinks don't screw up my diet at all. W doesn't see how doing kekwick can drop weight at all saying that sitting around doing art and eating nuts doesn't make sense, which is true... it doesn't make sense that it works but I know that it does. Hopefully I can drop the weight I need to with this, then it'll be on to strict restriction.

We have veggie burgers, and one patty is like 100 cal so I'm thinking that after this diet I can either just restrict or do 2-4-6-8, that should help out... maybe start running as well. Anything to lose weight

FWA

Stress. That seems to be the key for me the most. I'm currently working on coloring a comic due out by March 10th. Add on to that I have no money but need to spend an additional 364 to finish up licensing for my new job. So I'm mega stressed out right now.

And that kicked my drive for weightloss into high gear. I need to get thin by March 17th, that's when we go to the convention to sell the comic. I'm on kekwick right now, just finished day 1. W is kinda supportive but he doesn't see my need for weightloss. Worse is that DW is sort of on to me.

When I first brought up about my previous weight loss she asked if I starved.. and I hesitated. Then when Z jokingly said about the pointer finger being Mr. Pukey she scolded him saying I already look anorexic. But I don't look anorexic I look fat. I wish I could see what other people see. Also a couple days ago Bu was mentioning a car, a Lotus, and said that Z could slide right in and I MIGHT be able to get in. I hated him so much for saying that.

No more food, no more lounging. I need the weight to go, I can't have this anymore. I hate it so much. But now I'm stressed and depressed. I didn't think I would be depressed with W around but I am. So here we go, lose it all by March 10.

Hard to start

So I did pretty well today until I got home, then I got stuck with dinner with my roommate J and D. I had a sandwich. Though I felt the effects of it right away, and it just felt awful, so my current plan was to hop out to get what I need for the Kekwick diet but I'm not so sure I'll be able to right away, so I may need to hold off until tomorrow to get the diet stuffs... I wish it weren't so hard. Also last week W noticed my arm full of cuts, but he just brushed it off so I'm not sure what he thinks puts those cuts there but he doesn't seem worried which mean he doesn't suspect me... which is good.

Terrible

Well things are going great and awful at the same time, which is the norm now for me. On the plus side I'm happily with W, have a well paying job, and I'm about to move in with W, and I'm about to have both my cars (1997 Eagle Talon & 1971 Datsun 240Z) up and ready to go... On the down side I've gained weight. The downside is about equal to all the good I've gotten so far. I've done a bit of test questions with W and sorta see if he's alright with me losing weight, so far he hasn't said anything to stop me just stuff like 'Lose what?' and 'There's nothing there to lose'. But I recently saw some pictures he took of me one night and I look just TERRIBLE!

So I need to drop at least 20 Lb. I'm looking for the perfect time to do the Kekwick diet to jump start myself into metabolism city. I'm thinking that since I'm over at his place on tuesday night into wednesday I can't do it then. And I don't work thursdays or sundays... so maybe if I do it friday, saturday, and sunday I'll be good. I can pull that off no problem, 3 days of Kekwick and I should lbe down at least 6 lb... I'll need some support tho, so let those comments roll in, I'll be able to reply now that I'm all set up at the dealership.

Also I need to get myself a new red bracelet... something physical to keep me going...

Party

So after last night's bit of food the scales claimed I had gone up to 129 lb. I freaked, I couldn't believe it would happen so quick. I look at the scales today, 126. Nice change but still odd.

Today I was able to go completely without food, all
I had was coffee and cigs. Then I found out that instead of being stuck at home with the pressure of having to eat, there's a party going on instead. So I get out of eating and will prolly do some drinking (only because it makes me lose more weight, if it didn't I wouldn't bother). So party tonight and then tomorrow noone's gonna be home ALL DAY. So from the time I get up until I fade into bed (3-4am) I won't have to eat a bite!

I'm so excited, I may be able to get closer to my 120 goal.

subway and brinner

Last night was brinner, breakfast for dinner... I couldn't escape. Eggs, potatoes, toast, and even bacon. I had to eat so much. I did afterwards go hardcore biking for 2 hours straight and then go on another 2 hour walk... but I still hated myself. Wish I could purge.

Then today I got a 'treat' from J which was going to Subway his treat for dinner tonight. It was the only thing I had all day, but it was still a Chicken Sandwhich... I did the math: 570 for the sub (very limited stuff on it), and 130 for baked chips (my friend insisted on me getting the meal). so 700... It's ok in a way though.

Last night I binged with the brinner, so before I go full out fast I need to have a little food to wean my body off calories. So a bit today (well a lot, but at least under 1K... which still terrifies me), and then nothing for as long as possible...

Secrets and Lies

Here's another fun part of ED... you don't get to be honest anymore. Not allowed, forbidden. Hope you didn't enjoy being an honset person, because those days are now gone. Vanished, much like anything over 100 calories, meat, candy, and ice cream. Poof in a cloud of control.

Was away from home all day ith T, we stopped by McDonalds and I got the only thing conceivably healthy: Fruit and Walnut Salad. I then proceeded to eat none of it. I faked like I did, went through the motions with ease and practice. Grab a grape, hand moves up to the mouth, a quick sleight of hand puts the grape into my palm, and as I pretend to reach for another one I drop the original grape back. No eating, no loss of control, instead perfect precision and total control. Welcome to a new world, a world of lies and secrets.

The only calories consumed were from a single beer. The only reason this is allowed is because, by some crazy form of science, my body burns away my fat when I gain alchohol into my system. Though I am admittedly much more buzzed than expected from just one beer. Funny how starving yourself can work that way.

Pizza

So it's weird to me how most people can go about eating. I mean they eat breakfast lunch dinner and think nothing of it. But for me, a single slice of pizza and I feel anxious, fear and self-loathing. I hate every bit of it, and then hate myself for giving into it. I nibbled through one slice of pizza, no way out this time. I managed to explain into my day. Yesterday I had too much, now today I need to eat a little or else I'll lose it, and even now I'm fighting against a binge. Thankfully I'm currently winning this battle... this battle, that's what this life is like.

If anyone who doesn't have an ED wonders what it's like, that's it right there. A constant war. The body wants food, the self refuses, begin the fight the struggle. Every meal becomes a battle. Do I want food? No obviously not, what a crazy thing to think eating. Each bite is more calories, calories equal weight gain, weight gain goes against the goal of LOSING weight. No I don't want to eat, and if you do take a bite or have a slice of pizza then the true battle begins.

The body figures you're done starving yourself now and it's time to eat. Finally, it thinks to itself, finally I can regain the lost nurishment and get back some energy. No, you cry out inside your mind, no we will not eat anymore. That's enough you got a bite, a piece, a slice. That's it, the end, fin.

But the feelings rise, the cravings and desires. Now the body wants more, the stomache grumbling with anticipation. Everything that could be food seems more and more appealing. The battle is here, eat or don't eat. Gain or loss. I want to lose weight, so I choose not to eat. I will win this battle damnable body... I will win. You had your piece now leave me alone.

Party

So I wound up at a friend's birthday party last night. Through the course of it I was forced to eat a burger (which I later got even angrier at since they apparently had veggie burgers but didn't say anything). I was in a terrible mood the rest of the night. I drank some beer and after getting home took a walk. The whole night smoking like I was winning a prize. This morning I wake to find my weight at 127.

The science behind this baffles me...

Day 2

Another successful fast today. No food, no calories. Coffee and cigarettes. Close call at dinner since mom got chinese food. I was tempted but instead got some of it, took it into the sunoom, then since mom was in the living room, I threw it out into an outside garbage can. I felt much better for getting rid of the food.

It makes sense to throw out the food anyway, even if you eat it it'll still get disposed of, and if you eat it it'll only last you a few moments of pleasure before you start regretting ever having even looked at the food. Bleh. I got the dizzies and I'm exhausted... maybe I can sleep tonight...

Also I apprently finally got below 130... not by much but I'm at 129 as of this afternoon.

can't sleep

so here I am on the blog. Yeah I'm bad at keeping the consistency with it all. Apologies. I've just been getting to the level of depression where I can't find a reason to drag myself over to the computer...

Everything sucks right now. I still have no job, no money, and I have to pay for a loan against my Talon as well as the insurance.. I have no gas money which I need so I can go get a job. And noone is willing to lend me some money for gas.

I seem forever stuck in the 130 area, right now at 133. I just wanna drop it down to 100 or less. I have admittedly thought about doing certain things.. but I pull myself back from doing anything... permanent. I just hope my situation improves soon... because right now my life isn't worth living...

Plans in action

So let's see, yesterday... Yesterday was the first time in quite a while that I hid food during dinner. Dinner was the only meal I had to eat, and it was roast beef and carrots and potatos. So I took a small bit of carrots and potatos smashed up the potatos to make it look like more, and then every forkfull of the beef went quickly to my hand then lap. Nothing like misusing the sleight of hand I learned for my own goals. I had like 5 of the baby carrots and a tiny amount of potato, then threw it all away. I was proud of myself... I'm not 100% sure that I should have been, I mean it's pretty odd when you think about it... hiding food and all... but par for the course here.

Today I managed to get away from eating all together which at first I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do. But instead of being stuck at home with nothing to do but dread the arrival of dinner, BR called up and offered going to the movies and hanging out, and let me tell you I jumped on that opportunity right away. A slight snag with lunch, but it was quickly dismissed by telling him that I had a big breakfast and wasn't hungry because of it. And then I skipped out right when he was going to have dinner at his place which is 2 hours after dinner at my place allowing me to say I ate at BR's and avoid dinner completely. What I did have a lot of though was Diet Amp and Diet Green Tea, no cals and the green tea sped up my metabolism maybe just a bit but every little ounce helps.

I haven't had the chance to get on the scale yet though gotta wait a bit longer for that, and I was rushed out of the house today so I couldn't do it in the morning... which upset me a LOT. But soon I'll hop on and see if there was any change... please let there be change... let me have dropped even one pound... just let me see my work paying off for me.

But of course....

Well as it would of course turn out, I manage to go through two whole days in the greatest of zero caloric fashion only to have it all snuffed at the last minute. I assisted with the moving of two friends into their new apartment, and by the end after all got sweaty and exhausted and whilst I sipped upon my Diet Pepsi Max in walks the parents of my friend S carrying with them three pizza's. Obviously Your Humble Narrator attempted to get away from this. But of course lacking a car as a quick get-away I was unable to escape, and saying I wasn't hungry was smashed to itty-bits as it was brought up that they had viddied YHN having not even a malenky bit of food the whole of the night and day before.

On the plus side (for without a plus side and silver lining I would have snuffed it myself by now) my weight remains unchanged at 128. Thus maintaining me being at almost my lowest weight ever recorded by myself and/or others (not that I quite viddy in my gulliver that others keep as thorough track and record as I do, but who knows with all the weirdos like out there). Thankfully in the morn and all of tomorrow I should be able to avoid having to eat.

To my body (which grumbled and rumbled and made awful gurgling sounds at not to me) I say there you go, you got your food now let me keep on starving. 128... only 8 more pounds to gain my first goal of 120, then 10 more down to 110, then we strive more towards 100... Then of course... do I continue into the double digits? Will my body and mind and spirit hold out? Perfection wouldn't be worth attaining if it was easy.

Good day after so much failure

Today I had a very satisfying 0 cals! I'm glad I was able to stay strong, there were a couple times that I was tempted. At the gas station with their snacks, at dinner since it was J's day for cooking but thankfully he didn't feel like doing anything fancy so we wound up with burgers and fries. I got myself a burger, some fries, went into the living room, and at first chance threw it all away.

I'm at 129 now. As of a few minutes ago anyway. Diet Coke all day. Now tomorrow should continue the trend as I will be hanging out with B to go see Kickass at the popcorn stadium, and there will be many a temptation O my brothers and sisters. But fear not for your Humble Narrator shall viddy the snackiwacks and malenky treats and satisfy Himself with a simple Diet Pop and continue to slooshy forth unto the film. I will have 0 cal tomorrow, I've regained my strength... And I won't let go.