The fuzzies

My mind has been covered in the fuzzies all day long. Part of me, as always, gets annoyed by it. Making it more difficult to focus on things, thinking, staring off into space. But then the better part of me is thrilled at the fact that it means my body is starting to deal with going on less than 1000 calories... most of the time lately less than 500 calories.

Today being one of those less than 500 days. I was supposed to go out with another agent on an appointment today, but it turned out to be canceled and I wound up just lazing in bed till I had to get up and help W transfer tools with another of his co-workers. While sitting at the van having a cigarette I tried to think of what we were going to do with an appointment tomorrow... and I couldn't think. At all, the end.

It was a little thrilling. My sense is back to me. I smile on the inside more as the pain in my stomach grows. Even the familiar feeling of the body being hungry but not for a specific thing, just sort of hungry in general. And I know that I can say no, and I can avoid food just like I always did before.

And what was on the plate today? Well at one point I couldn't really avoid W asking about what I'd had and that I should eat (I have a habit of aimlessly wandering over to the fridge, opening it and then closing it without taking any food... like all the time). So I decided to make some lunch. Of course an anorexic's lunch can be a sight to behold.

30 minutes to make a sandwich. I had to pull out anything that could go on it. Scrutinize over the calories and fat count. Decide what out of it all could go on that would be alright. And then actually do the math and add it all up to get my total.

I split a potato hamburger bun into two (one bun is 130 calories). Then I got out some sliced ham and turkey and decided that having two sandwiches would be harder to eat than one, spreading it out would make more that I have to eat and thus make me less able to get through it all. 1 oz of ham (40 calories) went between the two halves of bun, and 1 oz of turkey (50 calories) went on next. Then I split a single slice of muenster cheese between the two of them (80 calories). And finished it up by putting mustard all over these two open-face sandwiches.

At that point W had to leave on a job. So I nibbled and drank diet soda for the course of 40 minutes. And then after managing to get through one of the two sandwiches I went and threw the other out, hiding it under other pieces of trash to hide it nicely. So if I would have eaten it all: 300 calories. Instead I took that and got through half. So 150 calories for the day.

The fuzzies stayed with me for most of the day. Then at one point I had to go over to Z's place to print a form that I will need at tomorrow's appointment (my printer just ran out of ink and I'm too poor to get more). I had a glass of water and turned down his offering of food (I just ate I lied to him). I got everything printed out (finding everything I needed was a bit confusing, not sure if that's because of the business itself or the fuzzies) and after 2 hours finally left to go back home to W.

He was just making dinner and of course asked if I wanted some, but I casually turned it down saying I just wasn't hungry. And so I sat with him while he ate and we watched some TV, rubbing his back after a while. It was a nice night. But at one point while walking past the kitchen I got drawn in.

I opened the pantry and looked right at the swiss rolls sitting on the shelf. I craved them, and I craved them hard. I nearly reached for them with a part of my mind saying 'you've only had 150 calories today, 200 more wouldn't be too bad'. But I was able to pull myself away from it all. quickly I was out the door to the balcony to have another cigarette.

And then the craving was gone, I just had to wait the few minutes of my smoke. Why yes the swiss rolls would be nice to have, but no thanks. I'd rather be thin.

So today was good. 150 calories, resisting temptation everywhere I went, and now I'm sitting here with a cup of vanilla honey chamomille tea.

Laters, K

A disaster and an improvement

So yesterday me and a bunch of friends got together at my mom's place to have a meal. Joy.

Now the meal itself was fairly healthy, J made his Tropical Chili (Apple, Mango, Mandarin Orange, Black beans, Chicken, White Rice). So as far as the actual health and calories it wasn't as bad as it could be. I myself ate 3/4th of a bowl of it. Still too much but I had to eat to appear normal. With it I drank plenty of diet soda of course.

However of course this led to me later on having to cut. Now I made a bad choice on this one. My left arm is mostly scar at this point I feel, so I decided that since I haven't cut my leg in a while I would cut there. Simple enough to hide I figured, it's cold and long pants can always hide the scars.

Now the next part requires a bit of preface. As you all know I am gay, very gay. And not manly about it either, I'm a fem, girly boi. I like to wear girls clothes often as well (pants and shirts, I don't go around in skirts and dresses). And W likes me in girly things as well. I had forgotten that he had ordered me a side tie bikini... and it arrived today as I got home from work.

Of course he wanted to see me in it right away and all I could think about were the fresh slices on my left thigh. So after trying to hide my leg and avoiding wearing the bikini (he ordered me a small which is apparently size 0-2) eventually I couldn't avoid it. It did fit well and I do like it and look forward to wearing it... but he did notice the cuts on my leg. He commented on it and I just brushed it aside with a Yeah and ignored it from there, although I did notice him look at my leg often and rub his hand over it.

As far as my eating today I was a little disappointed but all in all I did fairly well. 5 chicken nuggets (230 calories) with yellow mustard (0 calories). I drank nothing but diet soda and ate nothing else today. so my total is 230 calories. Today at my weigh-in I was up from 148 to 149 lb, with today that should be cut back down to at least 148 maybe 147.

In other news for today, I have finally completed all of my initial online courses and contracting for my new position. So now I can finally start writing some business. I won't go into any specifics of my position but after a few years I can be looking at making 6 figures, this is very good. I'm tired of being the poorest person I know.

Laters, K

Great day

According to Baron Scale I have lost 6 lb in the past three days. Bringing me down to a depressingly high 150. Like I said I've been awful lately and for a while. I would have days on track maybe 1 day eat nothing, or under 500. But most days I would be unable to avoid eating...

Today was not one of those days. I went with no food, 2 diet amps at 10 per, and one cup of vanilla camomile tea with soy milk in it so about 20 calories there. Bringing today's total to 40 calories. That made a great day, no food and under 100 calories.

The lies return easily and thankfully. Just now W commented on not eating in a while and asked If I had eaten. Why of course subway while working it was delicious... and a lie.

My mind is back to where it should be. Why eat and give up what I've lost, maybe with more food I'll trick my body into losing but really food = calories = fat. I still have my size 0's waiting for me to return to my former size, and with more days like this I will get there.

Laters, K

Things stay crazy

I'm sorry I haven't had the chance to blog lately. That being said it wasn't a lax or lazy time for me. I'm currently down to 142.

Hurricane sandy didn't do much to us here. W had to rescue his parents from NJ though which was an adventure. His mom has a habit of force feeding everyone. You should eat breakfast, want me to make you French toast? An omelet? She will keep asking until you eat something.

Unless you leave before she wakes up and stay gone till after dinner. Which I was usually able to do. Jobs kept me away consistently.

Unfortunately I'm still broke. Turns out I won't be able to go back to insurance until January. I'm sick and tired of having No money, No car, feeling like I have No hope. But things will be better, because I'm getting thinner. And in the end that's what matters most.

Later, K

Fasting

So in retribution for eating at the buffet last night. Today was a fasting day. And it went perfectly.

Get over to J's house and tell them I ate at home, get home and say I ate there. Perfect. And I picked up some green tea diet pills that seem to have worked before so they shall again.

According to the scale this morning I maintained my 149 lb. And it currently states that I gained a pound, but I feel it's wrong there. I doubt I gained a pounds from water and diet soda. :/

Anyway, tomorrow is back to normal. No more than 500 Cal. Period.

Later, K

A birthday and a funeral

So I found out my mom's birthday was on Wednesday (I'm terrible with birthdays), so we had to go out to eat for her birthday. I allowed for it figuring that I would be OK with one day's slip.

Next day was my aunt's funeral. There was a dinner after that mom said she didn't want to go to, great thought I, No eating yay. Wrong. After the funeral off we went to a diner. Ugh

Unfortunately with both I need to eat "normal" in front of my mom who has in the past accused me of being anorexic. So I ate my normal meal with her, like a normal person. Every bite killed me. I wanted to cut it into tiny pieces, I wanted to throw it away. I managed to eat half of each meal at least, and then promptly forgot to take it home with me (oops).

Weigh in today at 151. Great. I got fatter. Well make up for it with a better today right? Right.

Today:
1 can of chicken noodle soup - 220 cal
2 cups of coffee with almond milk - 60 Cal
Total: 280

Better, much better. Under 500 is great, 0 is best but Oh well. We will find out tomorrow how well it worked.

Laters, K

Not dead!

Hello all you lovlies, it's been a while hasn't it? Well you see I got a weird kind of sick soon after my last post. Felt like I had a frog in my throat non-stop and my throat was sore, white fuzz on tongue (gross). So my reaction was to stop all the diet pills, the chromium, even the vitamins.

Thought I had the big C, which depressed and pissed me off. Mainly because I figured if I had it then it would have to be from smoking... but I don't smoke that much, maybe a pack a day, and I haven't been smoking for very long, maybe 5 years. I know people smoking more and longer who have No problems.

Turns out I had bronchitis and thrush. So... Yeah. Very relieved to hear that. Took care of all that and then just felt crummy and blah for a while. I slipped on my diet, but managed to maintain my weight. Also found out through the course of getting sick and checking my temperature like 5 times a day that my normal temp is 97.5 yeah 1.1 lower than a regular human.

So today and last night I've just been miserably depressed, so I intensified it today by trying on old clothes. They were tight, I was almost in tears. Which of course brings us to the now.

Today I consumed 3 big cups of coffee with fake sweetener in it. Ate 10 baby carrots, and about half a bowl of salad with 45 Cal's of low fat balsamic vinegarette on it. So:

Coffee - 0 cal
10 baby carrots ~20 cal
Salad ~ 10 cal
Dressing - 45 cal
Total - 75 cal
Way to go me!

Now we keep this up forever. I need to stay under 500 Cal to be safe. Safety in certain numbers, safety in emptiness. Control my food, control my life.

Laters, K

0 cal

I made some mistakes these last few days, some true fuck upset. But today was different 0 Cal's. Nothing but water and hot green tea today. Temptation running rampant and my body demanding food, I was able to control my will and go without.

"I'm not hungry" , "I ate after the last job" excuse after excuse. Every day needs to be like today. I need to stay strong, I have the control and the willpower.

Laters, K

Got rid of fading obsession

The webring was making it hard to see this site so I disabled it. Also picked up wasted the other day. I've never read it before but always wanted to so now I finally get the chance.

Today was a good day, I'm down to 148 and all I had was chicken noodle soup which was a total of 200 Cal for the day. I'm finally making progress but was quite tempted by the pizza my boyfriend was eating next to me while we watched lost.

I'm starting to get a little wobbly when I stand up and my mind has it's moments of fogginess. Great signs, signs that I'm doing well losing weight, getting one step closer.

Laters, K

Bracelet and other stuff

So I don't know why I didn't think of this before. I have been wanting to get a new Ana bracelet but couldn't find a red beaded bracelet anywhere. So I have this skull bracelet that I've had for a while.... And I'm an artist with lots of paint... So now I have a red skull Ana bracelet.

Also today I broke down and had a cup of Mac and cheese, 240 Cal. So thankfully it's under 500 Cal. I also got bored and bleached my hair, so now it's cray light blonde.

I've been watching a lot of lost great show to be distracted by, nice long series to watch and ignore the growing hunger. Although sometimes it's hard when I have my boyfriend sitting next to me eating, but it makes me feel stronger even with giving in and eating a bit.

Later, K

More fasting

Not too sure I can keep doing the 2468 the first two days are fine but 600-800 calories just terrifies me. I'm watching my parents place for the weekend which is a wonderful opportunity to fast. I think I'll keep it going for as long as possible. Currently I've seemed to hit a plateau which is aggravating as hell.

I really need to get myself down to 100 lb, I feel that is a perfect weight. It was always a perfect score on a test why not weight too. Now even with the fast going on I've been trying neuro water trim. I don't know if it'll work but I hope it does. My one friend was mentioning that he doesn't like the taste of it but I don't care about taste I just need it to work.

Laters, K

I miscounted

I screwed up my count today. Which is infuriating because I'm normally so good at it. I went a bit over the 800 mark today, all because of a piece of bread.
Fuck bread :(

If I had the money I'd do the kekwick again but lucky me I have exactly $0 until Monday. Good thing gas is free.... Wait, no it isn't. I hate how my life is right now, no money, my beloved Z is still sitting at my mom's place just waiting to be put back together.

Once I get my Z back and get thin everything will be better. Can only go up from here right?

Laters, K

Still on track

Today was two veggie Turkey burgers, made of veggie tastes like Turkey it was interesting. Each Burger was on one slice of wheat bread with lots of mustard. Later I spent 30 minutes nibbling on three baby carrots.

So:
2 veggie Turkey Burger 90 Cal each for 180
2 slices of wheat bread at 80 Cal per slice for 160
Mustard at a glorious 0 Cal
3 baby carrots for around 10 Cal.

Total today: 350 cal
Good day, also I started taking hydroxycut it gave me more energy and definitely fought off some hunger. Even if it doesn't by itself make weight come off the added decrease in appetite and increase in energy is well worth it.

I also got annoyed at my hair and took the scissors to it. I need to bleach it though. I'm still hovering at 152 but hopefully in the morning the scale will obey my wishes and drop the number down.

Tomorrow is 600 Cal... Anything over 500 is frightening and I don't know yet what I will eat, not really looking forward to it... And then 800 the day after, ugh.

Later, K

Another successful fast

It feels so good to fast. People offer up food and the amazing feeling of being able to say no while everyone else eats is just fantastic. And according to the scale this morning I'm back to 152, if I hadn't mentioned apparently I had mistook my weight and it was actually back up time 158.

So now I start up the 2468. Today will be two grille original veggie burgers. 100 Cal each with mustard on the since mustard is zero Cal and thus my fact condiment. Gonna come up with a plan for tomorrow, 400 Cal....

Laters, K

Lost a battle

But the war goes on.

I wound up doing a bit of a binge, a healthy(ish) one though. I wound up getting stuck having a vegetarian burrito. Tofu, rice, beans. Felt like shit of course. And just got done with the knife.

Tomorrow is a new day. No food. Period. The end. Diet soda and water and cigs. Then Monday starts the 2468 diet.

W was asking some questions about the diet. He was mostly confused about the low calorie intake. He doesn't seem concerned. Not yet.

And the longer I can keep off his concerns the better. Just need to hide everything. The eating habits, The cuts, and when it gets noticeable the weight loss.

What a twisted fate. I want to lose so much weight. I need to. But then I'm compelled to hide it. I know I won't be satisfied, and I know people will try to stop me... But I won't, and they can't.

Laters, K

Fasting

I decided to bump up the schedule and fast. More specifically I was being assaulted with food to eat and went into a fast defensively. So that's one day down with 0 Cal. Nothing but diet soda, water, and cigarette. Good day.

I'm gonna keep this up till Monday then go back to the 2468. Time to starve, I love the feeling of control by just denying food. It's euphoric. Also no food means no cuts, saves my arm a bit.

Laters, K

Still going

But no change yet. My weight hasn't dropped any at all. And now I'm back to cutting. My life is a mess and I've got control over nothing but my eating. I don't even have full control over my cutting. Any mistakes I make need to be paid with a 4" paring knife.

I wound up dropping a ball of crazy on my boyfriend. Told him some but not all. I know I'm fucked up, I can't leave a car or place without holding my keys. All doors need to be closed 5 times. Lights on and off five times. Everything gets counted in or by 2, 3, 5, 13, or 23.

Everything in my life is a mess, but when I lose weight I get at least a little control back... is that so wrong?

I was wrong

About my weight I apparently had gain 6lb, fucking fantastic. Although kekwick has been working. Yesterday I was down 2lb, and I haven't had the chance to weigh myself yet today.

My stomach is feeling funky, but that's fine. Today is the start of 2468. To make the 200 calories for today I'll have two veggie burgers, no bread, each is 100 Cal. Hopefully I'll start to see some change.

Laters, K

Things need to get better soon

My life is such shit right now. My dream car is sitting in my garage not running. It's not really broken but it needs to be put back together so of course everything keeps getting in the way. I'm still making shit money barely paying my bills. And of course to top it all off I'm still a pile of fat.

I gotta lose the weight if nothing else, then at least I can be poor and skinny. Seems every time I take a step forward life throws me back 2 steps. Most of the time I just want to curl up and sleep forever.

Come on life, what the fuck did I do so wrong to earn such a fucked existence? I can't even be content with anything, and to make matters worse W has his best friend over a lot who is rich, happy, and thin. His hardest decision is whether to get a Porsche or a BMW. I WISH my life was hard like that. Every time I see him it just reminds me of how shitty everything is for me.

Still doing the kekwick after that it'll be the diet, this weight needs to be gone NOW

Still 152

So I'm still at 152. Such failure, budget no more. I keep saying I'm gonna Do it and now's the time. My life is shit and I have almost no control in my life. But I can and will control my eating.

I need to get down in weight, time to drop all the fat off. Let my bones show.

I've already started back up on the kekwick diet. I'm on day 2 right now, finish this off then I'm gonna do the 2468. I'll need help I know who's up for assisting?