Another day on track

Today went very well. Could have gone down though, I did have a slight bit of temptation. Mostly it was due to a very boring day. But thankfully once against my job saved the day.

I woke up at my usual time to get ready for appointments, only to find that the first two were rescheduled due to weather. So instead we only had one appointment at 4pm. So I meandered around the apartment wasting some time, drinking some diet soda, black coffee, cigarette cigarette cigarette.

After a while I decided to run out for some gas, and the temptation hit full force at the gas station. I grabbed a diet Amp and then the junk foods. Everywhere, gas stations are designed to get us to eat it seems. And of course nothing but the worst of foods to eat there as well.

I must look odd standing in the food aisles staring at different foods. Pick up a cookie, read the calories, put it back. Pick up a muffin, read, refuse. I studied the entire aisle, my body desiring every piece I saw. Eventually I did actually get something, a protein meal bar. 170 calories.

Fine, you can have this bit right here. That's all your getting. After an hour of nibbling on that and drinking my diet amp, then soda, then more coffee it was time for the appointment. My mind is already getting a bit of the fuzzies, I love it. The wool on the brain, it tells me that I'm doing things right.

After the rather uneventful appointment I went back home. W was away on work so I was free to sit around and do basically nothing for a while. Read a bit of Wasted (love that book). He came home around 6 and decided it was dinner time. I had soup, he had a sandwich and a salad.

The soup was 220 calories, and I took as long as possible with it. Long enough to manage only the soup, but not long enough for W to question it. We watched some TV after that.

And I realize now that this post must sound very boring.... but I've still got the fuzzies, and my sinuses are full of pressure so my mind isn't quite on par...

So then let's throw in some more good news. A couple of days ago I needed my credit checked to get an appointment with a company. I was denied due to a big charge on my credit. $946! From something I had never heard of. This wasn't boding well.

After a bit of research I found that it was a company that bought debt and tried to get paid on it. Well as it turned out I had two options: Get rid of this from my credit, or never get appointed and lose my new job.

After scraping together everything I had, and a few phone calls to the company I was able to get it settled for $300. Which for right now is a LOT, but in the long run it's not too bad. This is a job that is on average 6 figures. So I think for now I can deal with the 300 loss. And at least it's helped clear up my credit.

I weighed myself two days ago: 155
Yesterday: 153
Today: 151

This is a very good thing. I need to keep this up. When I'm back on track I always want to go to bed, sleep away the cravings and see what I've lost in the morning. That makes all the difference really. The morning. Lost some weight? Good you're on track, now keep it up and lose more. Gained some weight? You filthy pig, you're not allowed to eat anything today. A win win really for me.

Although admittedly for the last long while I haven't been on track. So I wasn't starving after weighing, I was cutting. Punishing. Trying to get a grasp back on my eating. And now I've got it, and I won't let go. I can't let go.

Tomorrow will be interesting, no appointments. No escape from home, from food. Salads? Hopefully I can do a day of salad without any questions. Here's to a better tomorrow.

Laters, K

A birthday and a funeral

So I found out my mom's birthday was on Wednesday (I'm terrible with birthdays), so we had to go out to eat for her birthday. I allowed for it figuring that I would be OK with one day's slip.

Next day was my aunt's funeral. There was a dinner after that mom said she didn't want to go to, great thought I, No eating yay. Wrong. After the funeral off we went to a diner. Ugh

Unfortunately with both I need to eat "normal" in front of my mom who has in the past accused me of being anorexic. So I ate my normal meal with her, like a normal person. Every bite killed me. I wanted to cut it into tiny pieces, I wanted to throw it away. I managed to eat half of each meal at least, and then promptly forgot to take it home with me (oops).

Weigh in today at 151. Great. I got fatter. Well make up for it with a better today right? Right.

Today:
1 can of chicken noodle soup - 220 cal
2 cups of coffee with almond milk - 60 Cal
Total: 280

Better, much better. Under 500 is great, 0 is best but Oh well. We will find out tomorrow how well it worked.

Laters, K

Not dead!

Hello all you lovlies, it's been a while hasn't it? Well you see I got a weird kind of sick soon after my last post. Felt like I had a frog in my throat non-stop and my throat was sore, white fuzz on tongue (gross). So my reaction was to stop all the diet pills, the chromium, even the vitamins.

Thought I had the big C, which depressed and pissed me off. Mainly because I figured if I had it then it would have to be from smoking... but I don't smoke that much, maybe a pack a day, and I haven't been smoking for very long, maybe 5 years. I know people smoking more and longer who have No problems.

Turns out I had bronchitis and thrush. So... Yeah. Very relieved to hear that. Took care of all that and then just felt crummy and blah for a while. I slipped on my diet, but managed to maintain my weight. Also found out through the course of getting sick and checking my temperature like 5 times a day that my normal temp is 97.5 yeah 1.1 lower than a regular human.

So today and last night I've just been miserably depressed, so I intensified it today by trying on old clothes. They were tight, I was almost in tears. Which of course brings us to the now.

Today I consumed 3 big cups of coffee with fake sweetener in it. Ate 10 baby carrots, and about half a bowl of salad with 45 Cal's of low fat balsamic vinegarette on it. So:

Coffee - 0 cal
10 baby carrots ~20 cal
Salad ~ 10 cal
Dressing - 45 cal
Total - 75 cal
Way to go me!

Now we keep this up forever. I need to stay under 500 Cal to be safe. Safety in certain numbers, safety in emptiness. Control my food, control my life.

Laters, K

0 cal

Had a great day. 0 cal though it was close at the end. Wound up going to a diner with some friends, but thankfully I was able to get away with just two cups of coffee. Love the taste of nothing more than anything. So I still have no car to drive, work is slow so I'm broke, but if I keep this up at least I can be thin.

Laters, K

steps forward and back

Why does it always seem like every time I make a malenky bit of progress I get my gulliver beat in and I drop back a bit?! Did pretty good today, lot of time on Wii Fit, nothing but cigarettes and coffee through the day. Then I get stuck having fishsticks and homefries for dinner, no way out either. I fucking hate it. I feel like everything I do just isn't worth it, isn't making a difference... I gotta keep trying though, I will reach my goals.

a good day

Today went pretty well. A friend who's been away for a long time came back home today, which was really great news, tomorrow I'll be hanging out with him for most of the night. It's been forever since we got to hang out and just chill, so it'll be a good change of pace from the usual for me around here.

As far as food goes today: I mostly just had diet drinks or coffee or water. The bit of food I did have was a small salad, out of which I nibbled on a few pieces of lettuce and carrot slices. So it turned out to be well under 100 cal. I almost lost it tonight at home, I got hungry all of a sudden and started going through the kitchen for food, but I managed to get myself under control. I'm not gonna give up my goals so easy anymore, I won't be able to lose the weight if I give in to eating at every turn. So I just need to stay strong and keep up my diet.

Food will prolly be part of tomorrow at some point, but I just need to avoid the eating as much as possible or just go with like a small salad or something. Though I realize I might wind up eating more, but then again every once in a while it's good to eat a bit more than usual to get my metabolism back up, I'm sure that after a couple days of under 100 cal my body could use a quick boost. Ah well, hopefully I won't have to worry about it at all. Just gotta keep looking ahead, gotta lose the weight to look good at the concert.

Bleh

Today turned out better than i thought it would. I had 3 hotdogs witg diet sobe green tea. Other than that just cigs and coffee. Managed to lose 3lb. Tho by the end of the night i had an upset stomache from all the coffee, ah well the pain for perfection. Tomorrow will be a fasting day, unless a friend or roomate gets in the way

the fast continues

Today was more fasting. Not a crumb of food went past my lips today. The temptations were there but my willpower turned out to be even greater than food. That's two days down. 8 more to go. I have this terrible feeling that on sunday I may be forced to break my fast, not positive yet. Should I be forced into eating I'll be going for the absolute lowest amount. Even if I would want to go for more, I have no doubt that my stomache has shrank already, which is a glorious thing.

I feel I'm starting to get the nice euphoric surge from starving, though I did notice that I was a lot more irratible today, but nothing great will come without sacrifice. I'm looking forward and at the same time dreading looking at the scales, I want so much for my weight to drop but I'm terrified that it won't be dropping as much as I want it to.

fasting

So I went on board for a 10 day fast in reply to another blog... only to find out that her 10 day fast started 10 days ago, thus is over. So I decided fuck it, I'll do it anyway. So today was the first day. 1 day no food, no juice, food, anything. Just coffee, cigarettes and diet coke. Though there was a bit of a slip up in the form of 7 shots of peppermint schnapps, but even that shouldn't be too bad since it still wasn't food. The fast itself remains intact. And I feal pretty damn good about it. Haven't weighed myself yet out of fear of looking upon my weight but I have a fairly good feeling about it.

So I'll put it out there, anyone up to join on the 10 day fast? It's been started on this side already, 1 day down 9 more to go. Let's all be strong together, we can do it, we have the willpower that others lack. No doubts, no excuses. Just success.

Brave New World

I've been feeling pretty down lately, and decided to brighten myself up with a change in appearance that is faster than what I'm aiming for. Hair color. My hair has now gone from dark blonde at the top shifting into bright blonde at the bottom to Dark Violet at the top shifting to lighter violet at the bottom. Overall I enjoy the change quite a bit (though I woulda preferred it being a bit lighter and more pure violet than the blue-violet it came out).

Unfortunately I definately needed the pick me up after eating some chinese today, though it was really the only eating I did the whole day, even then I wasn't able to eat much at all. Later I had some Rockstar Coffee drinks, which at the very least, kind of ... emptied me out... So I consider that kind of a plus. I've decided that the next two days will be fasting, nothing but diet coke and water. More water than diet coke since the fake-sugar will make my body crave real sugar more, and water will just fill up the stomache with no cal no sweeteners.

restrictions restrictions

First off: Wow 19 followers, meaing at least 19 people regularly actually give half a shit of what goes on in my life. Thanks guys I really mean it, it's a great help to know that some people out there do seem to care or at least have a passing interest you help me out a lot.

So today was a restriction day... not incredibly successful (2 slices of pizza, a cookie, a starbucks gingerbread coffee (sugarfree), and a brownie), but somehow through all that I managed to actually lose a little bit of weight. Currently down to 126, still too much, gotta lose a lot more. Sometimes I go by physical signs instead of weight though, for example you can sort of see what I look for in my photo there, the abdomen area for me has a solid line of my ab-muscle going from solar plexus to my hips, if I can feel a bit around it at least I can tell that I'm not too bad off. If I can't feel it at all then I really freak out for a while. I also go by a lot of measurements of my body (and yes here you are getting my real current stats):
fore arm: 9in
Wrist: 6in
Waist: 28in
Hips: 34in
Bust: 32in
Thigh: 18in
Ankle: 7in

Maybe that's a bit further than most people go, but then again I can't exactly say that I'm like most people.

In other news: Lost my job. Yeah, go me. Lost it on tuesday, needless to say I was... irrate. As if I don't get irritable enough from constant depression and hunger, then stress at home, they go ahead and through that right on top of the heap. It sucks. Bad. On the plus side (hopefully): I'm going to the place where a few of my friends currently work tomorrow to apply for a job. If things work out I'll manage to net myself a job. Not the job I would prefer there, but at least it's a foor in the door. And a few of my friends there have enough sway to hopefully help me get into a REAL position there, one where I can more freely take breaks. Not that breaks is the major concern (added bonus really), but also it's a pay increase from 8.50/hr to 12/hr. That's a nice pay up. Hell, even 8.50 is a little more than a dollar more than what I was getting at my last job. And that wasn't part time.

Ah yeah, part time to full time. Not something I especially look forward to but I figure: A) I'm not currently in any classes at college and B) I REALLY need the money.

So here's hoping my luck works out. My luck is kinda odd, I've managed to escape death (not even a joke there, I'll get into that later) with my luck and get a nice sports car to name a few off the top of my head. And I get this feeling my luck may help me out with the job search as well.

So this has been a rather large post, I hope you all didn't mind my ranting about the non-ED part of my life, but it all ties together in one way or another.

Restricting again

I decided to restrict a bit, until maybe tuesday or wednesday. Today went fairly well with that, 2 cups of yogurt, coffee, cigarettes, and a cookie (though the cookie made me feel awful). No real weight loss from today but I figure my body is trying to catch back up with it all, so the next few days should be much better.

I guess things are still looking a little ok. Decided to snap a pic of myself while laying in bed, I'm honestly going to try to avoid showing my face, just because problems may arise if people find out. See what you think:

End of Day 2

Today was another successful day, I'm starting to feel a bit better about it all too. The weight is starting to drop off, and I'm back down to where I was before I started gaining like crazy from the holiday. Down to 125 according to my scale, 123 according to the bathroom scale. And I'm gaining more followers, up to 15. It's sort of surprising that people actually seem interested about how things are going for me and what I'm doing. That alone feels kinda great. And thanks to everyone who's willing to take time outta their day just to read up on my little life.

Day 2 of 3

So far things have gone pretty good. I can feel my hunger building up more and more, but I have managed to keep it off my mind through coffee, tea, and cigs. All I have to do is make it to wednesday and then I'll be able to have a LITTLE bit of something. Restricting often times feels even better since I waste most of my eating time with planning out what I will actually eat... kinda interesting in a way.

Day 1 of 3

So my fast thus far has gone well. Nothing but coffee and cigarettes, except for one diet coke and one cup of Vanilla Caramel Tea (0 cal). So all in all I went well through the day. The scale has me starting to get back down to an almost reasonable weight but I need to keep it up. Tomorrow will hopefully be more of the same... though I do need to go get more cigs, they help ever so much with my appetite and keeping away from eating.

starting up a new fast

I'm sick and tired of all this wasteful eating that's been going on, today was another day of the same, due in part to visiting my family today. But starting tomorrow I'm getting back on track. Starting with a new fast. I've got plenty of determination, and I'm tired of having to punish myself with every pound I gain... I'm running out of room on my arm and leg... so tomorrow starts up the fast. I'm gonna go for at least 3 days (nothing but diet soda, coffee and cigarettes), and then go onto a strict restriction. This will work, not because I hope it will, but because it HAS to work.

friends

So I'm hanging out with some friends these past few days, which has been good and bad. The good, kind of, is that they keep occassionally saying about how I'm really thin and need to eat more. The bad part, really bad, is that we do wind up eating. Though I should be able to stave it off more now. Today I had a chicken ceasar salad and I should be able to avoid further eating. Just n eed to consume more coffee and cigarettes.

130

So after a terrible holiday season it seems I'm up a lot more than I ever wanted to be... now to lose that weight again. I'm on the right track today... coffee, cigarettes, and a bit of carrot and celery. A good kick start for now, I just gotta keep at it till I'm back down, and then some.