The fuzzies

My mind has been covered in the fuzzies all day long. Part of me, as always, gets annoyed by it. Making it more difficult to focus on things, thinking, staring off into space. But then the better part of me is thrilled at the fact that it means my body is starting to deal with going on less than 1000 calories... most of the time lately less than 500 calories.

Today being one of those less than 500 days. I was supposed to go out with another agent on an appointment today, but it turned out to be canceled and I wound up just lazing in bed till I had to get up and help W transfer tools with another of his co-workers. While sitting at the van having a cigarette I tried to think of what we were going to do with an appointment tomorrow... and I couldn't think. At all, the end.

It was a little thrilling. My sense is back to me. I smile on the inside more as the pain in my stomach grows. Even the familiar feeling of the body being hungry but not for a specific thing, just sort of hungry in general. And I know that I can say no, and I can avoid food just like I always did before.

And what was on the plate today? Well at one point I couldn't really avoid W asking about what I'd had and that I should eat (I have a habit of aimlessly wandering over to the fridge, opening it and then closing it without taking any food... like all the time). So I decided to make some lunch. Of course an anorexic's lunch can be a sight to behold.

30 minutes to make a sandwich. I had to pull out anything that could go on it. Scrutinize over the calories and fat count. Decide what out of it all could go on that would be alright. And then actually do the math and add it all up to get my total.

I split a potato hamburger bun into two (one bun is 130 calories). Then I got out some sliced ham and turkey and decided that having two sandwiches would be harder to eat than one, spreading it out would make more that I have to eat and thus make me less able to get through it all. 1 oz of ham (40 calories) went between the two halves of bun, and 1 oz of turkey (50 calories) went on next. Then I split a single slice of muenster cheese between the two of them (80 calories). And finished it up by putting mustard all over these two open-face sandwiches.

At that point W had to leave on a job. So I nibbled and drank diet soda for the course of 40 minutes. And then after managing to get through one of the two sandwiches I went and threw the other out, hiding it under other pieces of trash to hide it nicely. So if I would have eaten it all: 300 calories. Instead I took that and got through half. So 150 calories for the day.

The fuzzies stayed with me for most of the day. Then at one point I had to go over to Z's place to print a form that I will need at tomorrow's appointment (my printer just ran out of ink and I'm too poor to get more). I had a glass of water and turned down his offering of food (I just ate I lied to him). I got everything printed out (finding everything I needed was a bit confusing, not sure if that's because of the business itself or the fuzzies) and after 2 hours finally left to go back home to W.

He was just making dinner and of course asked if I wanted some, but I casually turned it down saying I just wasn't hungry. And so I sat with him while he ate and we watched some TV, rubbing his back after a while. It was a nice night. But at one point while walking past the kitchen I got drawn in.

I opened the pantry and looked right at the swiss rolls sitting on the shelf. I craved them, and I craved them hard. I nearly reached for them with a part of my mind saying 'you've only had 150 calories today, 200 more wouldn't be too bad'. But I was able to pull myself away from it all. quickly I was out the door to the balcony to have another cigarette.

And then the craving was gone, I just had to wait the few minutes of my smoke. Why yes the swiss rolls would be nice to have, but no thanks. I'd rather be thin.

So today was good. 150 calories, resisting temptation everywhere I went, and now I'm sitting here with a cup of vanilla honey chamomille tea.

Laters, K

150

OK, so slow on the take. Had a lot going on yesterday, and I slipped a bit. Had the friends over for game night and earlier that day I ate 2 tiny slices of pizza (stripping it down to just cheese pizza to the slight bewilderment of W). That came out to ~420 cal, yikes. Then I stayed strong most of the day, until suddenly my body decided it was food time NOW. And I wound up eating a couple pizza bones from my friends pizza they ordered. So I think I wound up under 700 definitely, maybe under 600. I hate not knowing for sure. I hop on the scale this morning so it can tell me how good or bad my day will be, and I'm sitting at 150. Wow, that's a lot, but it's less than the 154 I was at two days ago. So once again, go me (self-high five). So today I MAY be going out to dinner with mom, but I'm not sure, haven't heard anything about it since she brought it up on Wednesday. So maybe, maybe not. *shrug* I am super excite about November, because I will be getting back into being a Merchant of Death (life insurance). Which is a fantastic business to be in, only reason I haven't been doing it is because my Z hasn't been up. With this I am expected to make at least 60k/year and after a while will be given my own office to run (hell yeah). And if there is one thing I have learned in this world is that two things make everything better: Thinness and Money. Laters, K

Got rid of fading obsession

The webring was making it hard to see this site so I disabled it. Also picked up wasted the other day. I've never read it before but always wanted to so now I finally get the chance.

Today was a good day, I'm down to 148 and all I had was chicken noodle soup which was a total of 200 Cal for the day. I'm finally making progress but was quite tempted by the pizza my boyfriend was eating next to me while we watched lost.

I'm starting to get a little wobbly when I stand up and my mind has it's moments of fogginess. Great signs, signs that I'm doing well losing weight, getting one step closer.

Laters, K

Bracelet and other stuff

So I don't know why I didn't think of this before. I have been wanting to get a new Ana bracelet but couldn't find a red beaded bracelet anywhere. So I have this skull bracelet that I've had for a while.... And I'm an artist with lots of paint... So now I have a red skull Ana bracelet.

Also today I broke down and had a cup of Mac and cheese, 240 Cal. So thankfully it's under 500 Cal. I also got bored and bleached my hair, so now it's cray light blonde.

I've been watching a lot of lost great show to be distracted by, nice long series to watch and ignore the growing hunger. Although sometimes it's hard when I have my boyfriend sitting next to me eating, but it makes me feel stronger even with giving in and eating a bit.

Later, K

More fasting

Not too sure I can keep doing the 2468 the first two days are fine but 600-800 calories just terrifies me. I'm watching my parents place for the weekend which is a wonderful opportunity to fast. I think I'll keep it going for as long as possible. Currently I've seemed to hit a plateau which is aggravating as hell.

I really need to get myself down to 100 lb, I feel that is a perfect weight. It was always a perfect score on a test why not weight too. Now even with the fast going on I've been trying neuro water trim. I don't know if it'll work but I hope it does. My one friend was mentioning that he doesn't like the taste of it but I don't care about taste I just need it to work.

Laters, K

Still on track

Today was two veggie Turkey burgers, made of veggie tastes like Turkey it was interesting. Each Burger was on one slice of wheat bread with lots of mustard. Later I spent 30 minutes nibbling on three baby carrots.

So:
2 veggie Turkey Burger 90 Cal each for 180
2 slices of wheat bread at 80 Cal per slice for 160
Mustard at a glorious 0 Cal
3 baby carrots for around 10 Cal.

Total today: 350 cal
Good day, also I started taking hydroxycut it gave me more energy and definitely fought off some hunger. Even if it doesn't by itself make weight come off the added decrease in appetite and increase in energy is well worth it.

I also got annoyed at my hair and took the scissors to it. I need to bleach it though. I'm still hovering at 152 but hopefully in the morning the scale will obey my wishes and drop the number down.

Tomorrow is 600 Cal... Anything over 500 is frightening and I don't know yet what I will eat, not really looking forward to it... And then 800 the day after, ugh.

Later, K

Another successful fast

It feels so good to fast. People offer up food and the amazing feeling of being able to say no while everyone else eats is just fantastic. And according to the scale this morning I'm back to 152, if I hadn't mentioned apparently I had mistook my weight and it was actually back up time 158.

So now I start up the 2468. Today will be two grille original veggie burgers. 100 Cal each with mustard on the since mustard is zero Cal and thus my fact condiment. Gonna come up with a plan for tomorrow, 400 Cal....

Laters, K

152

According to the morning weigh in, I am at 152 today. So down 14 Lb from the start.

Yesterday for some reason I just felt so... lonely. Out of nowhere, no friends over, nobody around, nothing to do... just bleh. I just looked forward to going to bed the whole day... mostly to see if I had lost weight the next day. And there it is, it's taking over my life and brain once again. No complaints.

I'm all the way back, no more fuck ups, the lies return. Oh I ate already, no I'm not hungry, I don't feel well, etc etc etc... And once again my grumbling gurgling churning stomache is the only sound to prove me wrong. If anyone listened for it. I haven't lost enough yet for anyone to take notice and worry, so that's working out for me.

And now I need to go say no to chicken nuggets and every condiment ever.
Laters, K

Day 4

So I wake up today, stomache still hurting. Onto the scale I tread and behold... the same weight I had yesterday. 159 still, seriously?! Come on body, we need to be on the same page here. We need to lose weight, period. The end.

Whatever, maintaining isn't a sin, gaining is. I can deal with this. I guess my calories yesterday were too much, so I'll shoot for lower today. Here's hoping. Also, thankfully, W hasn't noticed anything yet. Hasn't noticed my rules, my lower intake, my tiny little bites, drinking only one can of soda a day instead of 12, drinking more tea and water. I'm glad, I don't want him to catch on, or else he'll try to make me stop, most people would.

And that's why I'm here, to gain support and love from the rest of us. The ones who care deeply about our weight. The ones willing to go to any lengths to get what we need and desire. The ones who know how painful and tough it is, and yet keep going knowing how completely worth it it is.

Laters, K

Next Day

So currently I'm at 160 lb, so 4 lb gone. So far today it's been 1 can of soda (170 cal), 1 Diet Amp (10 cal), 1 Nutrigrain bar (140 cal) bringing the total to 320. I'm not proud of this, and now W wants to have dinner which is a steak filet (230 cal) and mashed potatoes (~120 cal). If I eat this I'll be at 670. On the plus side it's under 1k cal but I was hoping to stay around 400 today... Maybe I'll eat a bit of the steak and some potatoes and bring that down.

Laters, K

Back again, lets make it last

I return again... again. So far today I've had 6 pieces of sugarless gum, 1 diet Mnt Dew, and lots of water. I desperately need to drop the weight. I've been feeling disgusting and awful. As if I hated looking in mirrors before, now I avoid rooms with them if possible.

I just don't know how people can just go about their life eating all this food and being fine with it, or even weirder: happy about it. It's like "Man this deep fried bacon mayonaise blob is DELISH!" says Mr. 300 pound lardass. Seriously what is up with these people?! Eating this shit, forcing it into their face non stop... and then THEY COMPLAIN ABOUT THEIR WEIGHT!

Here's some ideas: put down the mayo, walk further than the distance between your couch and the fridge, bike swim run (or lumber whatev), fucking DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Stop bitching that you can't lose weight when you don't even try.

Here I am suffering with my weight, so I eat nothing, drink water and diet stuff, take the stairs everywhere, run swim bike... god damn it this nation of grease and fat disgusts me.

FWA day 3

Last two days of Kekwick were successful. I'll have some left over macadamia nuts after today so I think I might continue it tomorrow as well, tho I think I may just go to restricting instead. Veggie burgers, celery, the restriction can definately happen.
So I can't remember what I was before I started this but I know I lost 3 lb between yesterday and today... so at least it's a start.

FWA day 2

OK so im on the second day of kekwick in prep for FWA. So far so good, no deviation nothing but kekwick and diet green tea or diet energy drinks. I'm hoping the diet drinks don't screw up my diet at all. W doesn't see how doing kekwick can drop weight at all saying that sitting around doing art and eating nuts doesn't make sense, which is true... it doesn't make sense that it works but I know that it does. Hopefully I can drop the weight I need to with this, then it'll be on to strict restriction.

We have veggie burgers, and one patty is like 100 cal so I'm thinking that after this diet I can either just restrict or do 2-4-6-8, that should help out... maybe start running as well. Anything to lose weight

FWA

Stress. That seems to be the key for me the most. I'm currently working on coloring a comic due out by March 10th. Add on to that I have no money but need to spend an additional 364 to finish up licensing for my new job. So I'm mega stressed out right now.

And that kicked my drive for weightloss into high gear. I need to get thin by March 17th, that's when we go to the convention to sell the comic. I'm on kekwick right now, just finished day 1. W is kinda supportive but he doesn't see my need for weightloss. Worse is that DW is sort of on to me.

When I first brought up about my previous weight loss she asked if I starved.. and I hesitated. Then when Z jokingly said about the pointer finger being Mr. Pukey she scolded him saying I already look anorexic. But I don't look anorexic I look fat. I wish I could see what other people see. Also a couple days ago Bu was mentioning a car, a Lotus, and said that Z could slide right in and I MIGHT be able to get in. I hated him so much for saying that.

No more food, no more lounging. I need the weight to go, I can't have this anymore. I hate it so much. But now I'm stressed and depressed. I didn't think I would be depressed with W around but I am. So here we go, lose it all by March 10.

Hard to start

So I did pretty well today until I got home, then I got stuck with dinner with my roommate J and D. I had a sandwich. Though I felt the effects of it right away, and it just felt awful, so my current plan was to hop out to get what I need for the Kekwick diet but I'm not so sure I'll be able to right away, so I may need to hold off until tomorrow to get the diet stuffs... I wish it weren't so hard. Also last week W noticed my arm full of cuts, but he just brushed it off so I'm not sure what he thinks puts those cuts there but he doesn't seem worried which mean he doesn't suspect me... which is good.

Terrible

Well things are going great and awful at the same time, which is the norm now for me. On the plus side I'm happily with W, have a well paying job, and I'm about to move in with W, and I'm about to have both my cars (1997 Eagle Talon & 1971 Datsun 240Z) up and ready to go... On the down side I've gained weight. The downside is about equal to all the good I've gotten so far. I've done a bit of test questions with W and sorta see if he's alright with me losing weight, so far he hasn't said anything to stop me just stuff like 'Lose what?' and 'There's nothing there to lose'. But I recently saw some pictures he took of me one night and I look just TERRIBLE!

So I need to drop at least 20 Lb. I'm looking for the perfect time to do the Kekwick diet to jump start myself into metabolism city. I'm thinking that since I'm over at his place on tuesday night into wednesday I can't do it then. And I don't work thursdays or sundays... so maybe if I do it friday, saturday, and sunday I'll be good. I can pull that off no problem, 3 days of Kekwick and I should lbe down at least 6 lb... I'll need some support tho, so let those comments roll in, I'll be able to reply now that I'm all set up at the dealership.

Also I need to get myself a new red bracelet... something physical to keep me going...

Party

So after last night's bit of food the scales claimed I had gone up to 129 lb. I freaked, I couldn't believe it would happen so quick. I look at the scales today, 126. Nice change but still odd.

Today I was able to go completely without food, all
I had was coffee and cigs. Then I found out that instead of being stuck at home with the pressure of having to eat, there's a party going on instead. So I get out of eating and will prolly do some drinking (only because it makes me lose more weight, if it didn't I wouldn't bother). So party tonight and then tomorrow noone's gonna be home ALL DAY. So from the time I get up until I fade into bed (3-4am) I won't have to eat a bite!

I'm so excited, I may be able to get closer to my 120 goal.

Secrets and Lies

Here's another fun part of ED... you don't get to be honest anymore. Not allowed, forbidden. Hope you didn't enjoy being an honset person, because those days are now gone. Vanished, much like anything over 100 calories, meat, candy, and ice cream. Poof in a cloud of control.

Was away from home all day ith T, we stopped by McDonalds and I got the only thing conceivably healthy: Fruit and Walnut Salad. I then proceeded to eat none of it. I faked like I did, went through the motions with ease and practice. Grab a grape, hand moves up to the mouth, a quick sleight of hand puts the grape into my palm, and as I pretend to reach for another one I drop the original grape back. No eating, no loss of control, instead perfect precision and total control. Welcome to a new world, a world of lies and secrets.

The only calories consumed were from a single beer. The only reason this is allowed is because, by some crazy form of science, my body burns away my fat when I gain alchohol into my system. Though I am admittedly much more buzzed than expected from just one beer. Funny how starving yourself can work that way.

Pizza

So it's weird to me how most people can go about eating. I mean they eat breakfast lunch dinner and think nothing of it. But for me, a single slice of pizza and I feel anxious, fear and self-loathing. I hate every bit of it, and then hate myself for giving into it. I nibbled through one slice of pizza, no way out this time. I managed to explain into my day. Yesterday I had too much, now today I need to eat a little or else I'll lose it, and even now I'm fighting against a binge. Thankfully I'm currently winning this battle... this battle, that's what this life is like.

If anyone who doesn't have an ED wonders what it's like, that's it right there. A constant war. The body wants food, the self refuses, begin the fight the struggle. Every meal becomes a battle. Do I want food? No obviously not, what a crazy thing to think eating. Each bite is more calories, calories equal weight gain, weight gain goes against the goal of LOSING weight. No I don't want to eat, and if you do take a bite or have a slice of pizza then the true battle begins.

The body figures you're done starving yourself now and it's time to eat. Finally, it thinks to itself, finally I can regain the lost nurishment and get back some energy. No, you cry out inside your mind, no we will not eat anymore. That's enough you got a bite, a piece, a slice. That's it, the end, fin.

But the feelings rise, the cravings and desires. Now the body wants more, the stomache grumbling with anticipation. Everything that could be food seems more and more appealing. The battle is here, eat or don't eat. Gain or loss. I want to lose weight, so I choose not to eat. I will win this battle damnable body... I will win. You had your piece now leave me alone.

Party

So I wound up at a friend's birthday party last night. Through the course of it I was forced to eat a burger (which I later got even angrier at since they apparently had veggie burgers but didn't say anything). I was in a terrible mood the rest of the night. I drank some beer and after getting home took a walk. The whole night smoking like I was winning a prize. This morning I wake to find my weight at 127.

The science behind this baffles me...