The Return

I've been gone for a while. I wish I could say it's because I got cured, life got better, things have been great and never better. Of course that would be a lie. I've been through a lot.

I ended my relationship with W after three years. There were a bunch of reasons but essentially it all boiled down to one thing. W was abusive. He never hit me or raped me, so I'm thankful for that, but mentally, verbally, emotionally, and physically through intimidation and shows of violence around the apartment. It wasn't good, and it kept getting worse and worse.

Then one week he went on vacation with some friends, I wasn't allowed to go, and I spent time online and wound up meeting G. We met in person soon after meeting online. I had only been looking for a friend but I found more.

It was G who helped me end the relationship indirectly. And now we're together and living in Philadelphia.

Am I happy? I don't think I've ever been really happy, but I do have times where I do feel happy, even if it's only for a fleeting moment before it gets washed away by a wave of negativity from my mind.

Am I thin? No. I gained weight during my relationship with W and I wasn't able to get into the mindset to lose that weight.

As it usually goes with me, I'm back to needing to lose weight. I hate my body and I still feel hollow. I always feel hollow. Most of the time I do my best to hide how awful I feel with jokes and smiles, but under it all I still feel empty, listless, worthless... The melancholy of life. Well my life anyway.

There's plenty more to tell and I'll be keeping track of my eating, as per usual. G and I decided to go vegetarian. I put up a fight against it. I think because it's a means to my ends and I'm afraid of just using this like I use everything else. Fuck I'm a terrible person, but maybe I can be a thin terrible person. Then at least I won't feel like crying every time I look in a mirror. Hopefully, I'll just feel like crying sometimes. What can I say, I'm just a silver lining kinda person.

-K

The Return

I've been gone for a while. I wish I could say it's because I got cured, life got better, things have been great and never better. Of course that would be a lie. I've been through a lot.

I ended my relationship with W after three years. There were a bunch of reasons but essentially it all boiled down to one thing. W was abusive. He never hit me or raped me, so I'm thankful for that, but mentally, verbally, emotionally, and physically through intimidation and shows of violence around the apartment. It wasn't good, and it kept getting worse and worse.

Then one week he went on vacation with some friends, I wasn't allowed to go, and I spent time online and wound up meeting G. We met in person soon after meeting online. I had only been looking for a friend but I found more.

It was G who helped me end the relationship indirectly. And now we're together and living in Philadelphia.

Am I happy? I don't think I've ever been really happy, but I do have times where I do feel happy, even if it's only for a fleeting moment before it gets washed away by a wave of negativity from my mind.

Am I thin? No. I gained weight during my relationship with W and I wasn't able to get into the mindset to lose that weight.

As it usually goes with me, I'm back to needing to lose weight. I hate my body and I still feel hollow. I always feel hollow. Most of the time I do my best to hide how awful I feel with jokes and smiles, but under it all I still feel empty, listless, worthless... The melancholy of life. Well my life anyway.

There's plenty more to tell and I'll be keeping track of my eating, as per usual. G and I decided to go vegetarian. I put up a fight against it. I think because it's a means to my ends and I'm afraid of just using this like I use everything else. Fuck I'm a terrible person, but maybe I can be a thin terrible person. Then at least I won't feel like crying every time I look in a mirror. Hopefully, I'll just feel like crying sometimes. What can I say, I'm just a silver lining kinda person.

-K

The fuzzies

My mind has been covered in the fuzzies all day long. Part of me, as always, gets annoyed by it. Making it more difficult to focus on things, thinking, staring off into space. But then the better part of me is thrilled at the fact that it means my body is starting to deal with going on less than 1000 calories... most of the time lately less than 500 calories.

Today being one of those less than 500 days. I was supposed to go out with another agent on an appointment today, but it turned out to be canceled and I wound up just lazing in bed till I had to get up and help W transfer tools with another of his co-workers. While sitting at the van having a cigarette I tried to think of what we were going to do with an appointment tomorrow... and I couldn't think. At all, the end.

It was a little thrilling. My sense is back to me. I smile on the inside more as the pain in my stomach grows. Even the familiar feeling of the body being hungry but not for a specific thing, just sort of hungry in general. And I know that I can say no, and I can avoid food just like I always did before.

And what was on the plate today? Well at one point I couldn't really avoid W asking about what I'd had and that I should eat (I have a habit of aimlessly wandering over to the fridge, opening it and then closing it without taking any food... like all the time). So I decided to make some lunch. Of course an anorexic's lunch can be a sight to behold.

30 minutes to make a sandwich. I had to pull out anything that could go on it. Scrutinize over the calories and fat count. Decide what out of it all could go on that would be alright. And then actually do the math and add it all up to get my total.

I split a potato hamburger bun into two (one bun is 130 calories). Then I got out some sliced ham and turkey and decided that having two sandwiches would be harder to eat than one, spreading it out would make more that I have to eat and thus make me less able to get through it all. 1 oz of ham (40 calories) went between the two halves of bun, and 1 oz of turkey (50 calories) went on next. Then I split a single slice of muenster cheese between the two of them (80 calories). And finished it up by putting mustard all over these two open-face sandwiches.

At that point W had to leave on a job. So I nibbled and drank diet soda for the course of 40 minutes. And then after managing to get through one of the two sandwiches I went and threw the other out, hiding it under other pieces of trash to hide it nicely. So if I would have eaten it all: 300 calories. Instead I took that and got through half. So 150 calories for the day.

The fuzzies stayed with me for most of the day. Then at one point I had to go over to Z's place to print a form that I will need at tomorrow's appointment (my printer just ran out of ink and I'm too poor to get more). I had a glass of water and turned down his offering of food (I just ate I lied to him). I got everything printed out (finding everything I needed was a bit confusing, not sure if that's because of the business itself or the fuzzies) and after 2 hours finally left to go back home to W.

He was just making dinner and of course asked if I wanted some, but I casually turned it down saying I just wasn't hungry. And so I sat with him while he ate and we watched some TV, rubbing his back after a while. It was a nice night. But at one point while walking past the kitchen I got drawn in.

I opened the pantry and looked right at the swiss rolls sitting on the shelf. I craved them, and I craved them hard. I nearly reached for them with a part of my mind saying 'you've only had 150 calories today, 200 more wouldn't be too bad'. But I was able to pull myself away from it all. quickly I was out the door to the balcony to have another cigarette.

And then the craving was gone, I just had to wait the few minutes of my smoke. Why yes the swiss rolls would be nice to have, but no thanks. I'd rather be thin.

So today was good. 150 calories, resisting temptation everywhere I went, and now I'm sitting here with a cup of vanilla honey chamomille tea.

Laters, K

A disaster and an improvement

So yesterday me and a bunch of friends got together at my mom's place to have a meal. Joy.

Now the meal itself was fairly healthy, J made his Tropical Chili (Apple, Mango, Mandarin Orange, Black beans, Chicken, White Rice). So as far as the actual health and calories it wasn't as bad as it could be. I myself ate 3/4th of a bowl of it. Still too much but I had to eat to appear normal. With it I drank plenty of diet soda of course.

However of course this led to me later on having to cut. Now I made a bad choice on this one. My left arm is mostly scar at this point I feel, so I decided that since I haven't cut my leg in a while I would cut there. Simple enough to hide I figured, it's cold and long pants can always hide the scars.

Now the next part requires a bit of preface. As you all know I am gay, very gay. And not manly about it either, I'm a fem, girly boi. I like to wear girls clothes often as well (pants and shirts, I don't go around in skirts and dresses). And W likes me in girly things as well. I had forgotten that he had ordered me a side tie bikini... and it arrived today as I got home from work.

Of course he wanted to see me in it right away and all I could think about were the fresh slices on my left thigh. So after trying to hide my leg and avoiding wearing the bikini (he ordered me a small which is apparently size 0-2) eventually I couldn't avoid it. It did fit well and I do like it and look forward to wearing it... but he did notice the cuts on my leg. He commented on it and I just brushed it aside with a Yeah and ignored it from there, although I did notice him look at my leg often and rub his hand over it.

As far as my eating today I was a little disappointed but all in all I did fairly well. 5 chicken nuggets (230 calories) with yellow mustard (0 calories). I drank nothing but diet soda and ate nothing else today. so my total is 230 calories. Today at my weigh-in I was up from 148 to 149 lb, with today that should be cut back down to at least 148 maybe 147.

In other news for today, I have finally completed all of my initial online courses and contracting for my new position. So now I can finally start writing some business. I won't go into any specifics of my position but after a few years I can be looking at making 6 figures, this is very good. I'm tired of being the poorest person I know.

Laters, K

Another day on track

Today went very well. Could have gone down though, I did have a slight bit of temptation. Mostly it was due to a very boring day. But thankfully once against my job saved the day.

I woke up at my usual time to get ready for appointments, only to find that the first two were rescheduled due to weather. So instead we only had one appointment at 4pm. So I meandered around the apartment wasting some time, drinking some diet soda, black coffee, cigarette cigarette cigarette.

After a while I decided to run out for some gas, and the temptation hit full force at the gas station. I grabbed a diet Amp and then the junk foods. Everywhere, gas stations are designed to get us to eat it seems. And of course nothing but the worst of foods to eat there as well.

I must look odd standing in the food aisles staring at different foods. Pick up a cookie, read the calories, put it back. Pick up a muffin, read, refuse. I studied the entire aisle, my body desiring every piece I saw. Eventually I did actually get something, a protein meal bar. 170 calories.

Fine, you can have this bit right here. That's all your getting. After an hour of nibbling on that and drinking my diet amp, then soda, then more coffee it was time for the appointment. My mind is already getting a bit of the fuzzies, I love it. The wool on the brain, it tells me that I'm doing things right.

After the rather uneventful appointment I went back home. W was away on work so I was free to sit around and do basically nothing for a while. Read a bit of Wasted (love that book). He came home around 6 and decided it was dinner time. I had soup, he had a sandwich and a salad.

The soup was 220 calories, and I took as long as possible with it. Long enough to manage only the soup, but not long enough for W to question it. We watched some TV after that.

And I realize now that this post must sound very boring.... but I've still got the fuzzies, and my sinuses are full of pressure so my mind isn't quite on par...

So then let's throw in some more good news. A couple of days ago I needed my credit checked to get an appointment with a company. I was denied due to a big charge on my credit. $946! From something I had never heard of. This wasn't boding well.

After a bit of research I found that it was a company that bought debt and tried to get paid on it. Well as it turned out I had two options: Get rid of this from my credit, or never get appointed and lose my new job.

After scraping together everything I had, and a few phone calls to the company I was able to get it settled for $300. Which for right now is a LOT, but in the long run it's not too bad. This is a job that is on average 6 figures. So I think for now I can deal with the 300 loss. And at least it's helped clear up my credit.

I weighed myself two days ago: 155
Yesterday: 153
Today: 151

This is a very good thing. I need to keep this up. When I'm back on track I always want to go to bed, sleep away the cravings and see what I've lost in the morning. That makes all the difference really. The morning. Lost some weight? Good you're on track, now keep it up and lose more. Gained some weight? You filthy pig, you're not allowed to eat anything today. A win win really for me.

Although admittedly for the last long while I haven't been on track. So I wasn't starving after weighing, I was cutting. Punishing. Trying to get a grasp back on my eating. And now I've got it, and I won't let go. I can't let go.

Tomorrow will be interesting, no appointments. No escape from home, from food. Salads? Hopefully I can do a day of salad without any questions. Here's to a better tomorrow.

Laters, K

Mistakes and improvements

Well after some mistakes I've been stuck at 148 :(. Working hard to break past this and today should help quite a bit.

Today I had my diet green tea pills, lots of water, and 2 diet amps. Also decided to try out these FullBars. And they seem to work out pretty well, each one is 170 cals (which is ok), so my total today was 240 cals. So all in all calorie wise I am right on track (nicely under the 500 maximum). I was able to avoid all temptations today which felt nice and empowering.

Still waiting on everything to get rolling as far as my new job, at this point I'm just waiting on getting a bit more money so that I can finish off the Z and then put aside enough money to pay my bills for a month. Once that is all set I will being going all out, hitting the ground running as it were.

Now hopefully I will be getting that money soon as my mom's basement recently had a flood and mold and I still had stuff down there from when I was still living there. So it SEEMS I should be getting enough money for everything that I need soon (as long as mom doesn't try to take a bit more which she might and is grrrrr).

Well that seems to be all for now.

Laters, K

Bad Ana

Ugh, I've been a poor ana. Not entirely on me, though I should have been stronger. W had a frend over, and the whole time (he was here for a week) I had to eat. In front of people. Which scares the shit out of me. And nothing good, not salads and carrots and celery. NO. Fat food, sandwhiches, pasta, FAT! So, now that he's gone I can get back to my ways. My method. No to low food, lose weight. As of today I'm down to 148, good should be better. I am better all ready. Today has been 0 cal, No food, diet drinks, water. YAY! Laters, K

150

OK, so slow on the take. Had a lot going on yesterday, and I slipped a bit. Had the friends over for game night and earlier that day I ate 2 tiny slices of pizza (stripping it down to just cheese pizza to the slight bewilderment of W). That came out to ~420 cal, yikes. Then I stayed strong most of the day, until suddenly my body decided it was food time NOW. And I wound up eating a couple pizza bones from my friends pizza they ordered. So I think I wound up under 700 definitely, maybe under 600. I hate not knowing for sure. I hop on the scale this morning so it can tell me how good or bad my day will be, and I'm sitting at 150. Wow, that's a lot, but it's less than the 154 I was at two days ago. So once again, go me (self-high five). So today I MAY be going out to dinner with mom, but I'm not sure, haven't heard anything about it since she brought it up on Wednesday. So maybe, maybe not. *shrug* I am super excite about November, because I will be getting back into being a Merchant of Death (life insurance). Which is a fantastic business to be in, only reason I haven't been doing it is because my Z hasn't been up. With this I am expected to make at least 60k/year and after a while will be given my own office to run (hell yeah). And if there is one thing I have learned in this world is that two things make everything better: Thinness and Money. Laters, K

Bracelet and other stuff

So I don't know why I didn't think of this before. I have been wanting to get a new Ana bracelet but couldn't find a red beaded bracelet anywhere. So I have this skull bracelet that I've had for a while.... And I'm an artist with lots of paint... So now I have a red skull Ana bracelet.

Also today I broke down and had a cup of Mac and cheese, 240 Cal. So thankfully it's under 500 Cal. I also got bored and bleached my hair, so now it's cray light blonde.

I've been watching a lot of lost great show to be distracted by, nice long series to watch and ignore the growing hunger. Although sometimes it's hard when I have my boyfriend sitting next to me eating, but it makes me feel stronger even with giving in and eating a bit.

Later, K

More fasting

Not too sure I can keep doing the 2468 the first two days are fine but 600-800 calories just terrifies me. I'm watching my parents place for the weekend which is a wonderful opportunity to fast. I think I'll keep it going for as long as possible. Currently I've seemed to hit a plateau which is aggravating as hell.

I really need to get myself down to 100 lb, I feel that is a perfect weight. It was always a perfect score on a test why not weight too. Now even with the fast going on I've been trying neuro water trim. I don't know if it'll work but I hope it does. My one friend was mentioning that he doesn't like the taste of it but I don't care about taste I just need it to work.

Laters, K

I miscounted

I screwed up my count today. Which is infuriating because I'm normally so good at it. I went a bit over the 800 mark today, all because of a piece of bread.
Fuck bread :(

If I had the money I'd do the kekwick again but lucky me I have exactly $0 until Monday. Good thing gas is free.... Wait, no it isn't. I hate how my life is right now, no money, my beloved Z is still sitting at my mom's place just waiting to be put back together.

Once I get my Z back and get thin everything will be better. Can only go up from here right?

Laters, K

Still on track

Today was two veggie Turkey burgers, made of veggie tastes like Turkey it was interesting. Each Burger was on one slice of wheat bread with lots of mustard. Later I spent 30 minutes nibbling on three baby carrots.

So:
2 veggie Turkey Burger 90 Cal each for 180
2 slices of wheat bread at 80 Cal per slice for 160
Mustard at a glorious 0 Cal
3 baby carrots for around 10 Cal.

Total today: 350 cal
Good day, also I started taking hydroxycut it gave me more energy and definitely fought off some hunger. Even if it doesn't by itself make weight come off the added decrease in appetite and increase in energy is well worth it.

I also got annoyed at my hair and took the scissors to it. I need to bleach it though. I'm still hovering at 152 but hopefully in the morning the scale will obey my wishes and drop the number down.

Tomorrow is 600 Cal... Anything over 500 is frightening and I don't know yet what I will eat, not really looking forward to it... And then 800 the day after, ugh.

Later, K

Another successful fast

It feels so good to fast. People offer up food and the amazing feeling of being able to say no while everyone else eats is just fantastic. And according to the scale this morning I'm back to 152, if I hadn't mentioned apparently I had mistook my weight and it was actually back up time 158.

So now I start up the 2468. Today will be two grille original veggie burgers. 100 Cal each with mustard on the since mustard is zero Cal and thus my fact condiment. Gonna come up with a plan for tomorrow, 400 Cal....

Laters, K

Lost a battle

But the war goes on.

I wound up doing a bit of a binge, a healthy(ish) one though. I wound up getting stuck having a vegetarian burrito. Tofu, rice, beans. Felt like shit of course. And just got done with the knife.

Tomorrow is a new day. No food. Period. The end. Diet soda and water and cigs. Then Monday starts the 2468 diet.

W was asking some questions about the diet. He was mostly confused about the low calorie intake. He doesn't seem concerned. Not yet.

And the longer I can keep off his concerns the better. Just need to hide everything. The eating habits, The cuts, and when it gets noticeable the weight loss.

What a twisted fate. I want to lose so much weight. I need to. But then I'm compelled to hide it. I know I won't be satisfied, and I know people will try to stop me... But I won't, and they can't.

Laters, K

Still going

But no change yet. My weight hasn't dropped any at all. And now I'm back to cutting. My life is a mess and I've got control over nothing but my eating. I don't even have full control over my cutting. Any mistakes I make need to be paid with a 4" paring knife.

I wound up dropping a ball of crazy on my boyfriend. Told him some but not all. I know I'm fucked up, I can't leave a car or place without holding my keys. All doors need to be closed 5 times. Lights on and off five times. Everything gets counted in or by 2, 3, 5, 13, or 23.

Everything in my life is a mess, but when I lose weight I get at least a little control back... is that so wrong?

I was wrong

About my weight I apparently had gain 6lb, fucking fantastic. Although kekwick has been working. Yesterday I was down 2lb, and I haven't had the chance to weigh myself yet today.

My stomach is feeling funky, but that's fine. Today is the start of 2468. To make the 200 calories for today I'll have two veggie burgers, no bread, each is 100 Cal. Hopefully I'll start to see some change.

Laters, K

Things need to get better soon

My life is such shit right now. My dream car is sitting in my garage not running. It's not really broken but it needs to be put back together so of course everything keeps getting in the way. I'm still making shit money barely paying my bills. And of course to top it all off I'm still a pile of fat.

I gotta lose the weight if nothing else, then at least I can be poor and skinny. Seems every time I take a step forward life throws me back 2 steps. Most of the time I just want to curl up and sleep forever.

Come on life, what the fuck did I do so wrong to earn such a fucked existence? I can't even be content with anything, and to make matters worse W has his best friend over a lot who is rich, happy, and thin. His hardest decision is whether to get a Porsche or a BMW. I WISH my life was hard like that. Every time I see him it just reminds me of how shitty everything is for me.

Still doing the kekwick after that it'll be the diet, this weight needs to be gone NOW

152

According to the morning weigh in, I am at 152 today. So down 14 Lb from the start.

Yesterday for some reason I just felt so... lonely. Out of nowhere, no friends over, nobody around, nothing to do... just bleh. I just looked forward to going to bed the whole day... mostly to see if I had lost weight the next day. And there it is, it's taking over my life and brain once again. No complaints.

I'm all the way back, no more fuck ups, the lies return. Oh I ate already, no I'm not hungry, I don't feel well, etc etc etc... And once again my grumbling gurgling churning stomache is the only sound to prove me wrong. If anyone listened for it. I haven't lost enough yet for anyone to take notice and worry, so that's working out for me.

And now I need to go say no to chicken nuggets and every condiment ever.
Laters, K

Plans

I'm once again amused by the fact that even when I plan things it tends to not follow through in a better way. Case in point: today I planned on eating 3 yogurts at 100 cal each, but wound up eating one.

I will continue this for tomorrow as well, set the goal for 300 and probably end up lower.

Laters, K

153

This mornings weigh in showed 153. Due to this I let myself have a slice of pizza and a regular soda. Great thing was with chewing 42 times for each bite and drinking after each I was very full from that one slice. Then came the regret, but I knew I had to eat something to keep my metabolism going.

Tomorrow I will have up to three yogurts which will be between 100 and 300 cal total. Seems I'm finally back to my total ana mental state, thankfully. Now to drop the weight faster.

Laters, K