Great day

According to Baron Scale I have lost 6 lb in the past three days. Bringing me down to a depressingly high 150. Like I said I've been awful lately and for a while. I would have days on track maybe 1 day eat nothing, or under 500. But most days I would be unable to avoid eating...

Today was not one of those days. I went with no food, 2 diet amps at 10 per, and one cup of vanilla camomile tea with soy milk in it so about 20 calories there. Bringing today's total to 40 calories. That made a great day, no food and under 100 calories.

The lies return easily and thankfully. Just now W commented on not eating in a while and asked If I had eaten. Why of course subway while working it was delicious... and a lie.

My mind is back to where it should be. Why eat and give up what I've lost, maybe with more food I'll trick my body into losing but really food = calories = fat. I still have my size 0's waiting for me to return to my former size, and with more days like this I will get there.

Laters, K

Got rid of fading obsession

The webring was making it hard to see this site so I disabled it. Also picked up wasted the other day. I've never read it before but always wanted to so now I finally get the chance.

Today was a good day, I'm down to 148 and all I had was chicken noodle soup which was a total of 200 Cal for the day. I'm finally making progress but was quite tempted by the pizza my boyfriend was eating next to me while we watched lost.

I'm starting to get a little wobbly when I stand up and my mind has it's moments of fogginess. Great signs, signs that I'm doing well losing weight, getting one step closer.

Laters, K

More fasting

Not too sure I can keep doing the 2468 the first two days are fine but 600-800 calories just terrifies me. I'm watching my parents place for the weekend which is a wonderful opportunity to fast. I think I'll keep it going for as long as possible. Currently I've seemed to hit a plateau which is aggravating as hell.

I really need to get myself down to 100 lb, I feel that is a perfect weight. It was always a perfect score on a test why not weight too. Now even with the fast going on I've been trying neuro water trim. I don't know if it'll work but I hope it does. My one friend was mentioning that he doesn't like the taste of it but I don't care about taste I just need it to work.

Laters, K

Fasting

I decided to bump up the schedule and fast. More specifically I was being assaulted with food to eat and went into a fast defensively. So that's one day down with 0 Cal. Nothing but diet soda, water, and cigarette. Good day.

I'm gonna keep this up till Monday then go back to the 2468. Time to starve, I love the feeling of control by just denying food. It's euphoric. Also no food means no cuts, saves my arm a bit.

Laters, K

Still going

But no change yet. My weight hasn't dropped any at all. And now I'm back to cutting. My life is a mess and I've got control over nothing but my eating. I don't even have full control over my cutting. Any mistakes I make need to be paid with a 4" paring knife.

I wound up dropping a ball of crazy on my boyfriend. Told him some but not all. I know I'm fucked up, I can't leave a car or place without holding my keys. All doors need to be closed 5 times. Lights on and off five times. Everything gets counted in or by 2, 3, 5, 13, or 23.

Everything in my life is a mess, but when I lose weight I get at least a little control back... is that so wrong?

Things need to get better soon

My life is such shit right now. My dream car is sitting in my garage not running. It's not really broken but it needs to be put back together so of course everything keeps getting in the way. I'm still making shit money barely paying my bills. And of course to top it all off I'm still a pile of fat.

I gotta lose the weight if nothing else, then at least I can be poor and skinny. Seems every time I take a step forward life throws me back 2 steps. Most of the time I just want to curl up and sleep forever.

Come on life, what the fuck did I do so wrong to earn such a fucked existence? I can't even be content with anything, and to make matters worse W has his best friend over a lot who is rich, happy, and thin. His hardest decision is whether to get a Porsche or a BMW. I WISH my life was hard like that. Every time I see him it just reminds me of how shitty everything is for me.

Still doing the kekwick after that it'll be the diet, this weight needs to be gone NOW

Still 152

So I'm still at 152. Such failure, budget no more. I keep saying I'm gonna Do it and now's the time. My life is shit and I have almost no control in my life. But I can and will control my eating.

I need to get down in weight, time to drop all the fat off. Let my bones show.

I've already started back up on the kekwick diet. I'm on day 2 right now, finish this off then I'm gonna do the 2468. I'll need help I know who's up for assisting?

Scared

So I'm sitting outside of a restaurant where I just had dinner. I'm drunk and just ate, and I want to throw up so bad. But deep inside I know that if I start purging I won't be able to stop. It'll become a habit.

But I've been under so much stress. I've got no money, I'm working two jobs to try and make money, bills are die, both my cars need work done, I'm fat..... I hate everything.right now. I want to purge but I can't do it... I'm so scared I don't know what to do.

Back again, lets make it last

I return again... again. So far today I've had 6 pieces of sugarless gum, 1 diet Mnt Dew, and lots of water. I desperately need to drop the weight. I've been feeling disgusting and awful. As if I hated looking in mirrors before, now I avoid rooms with them if possible.

I just don't know how people can just go about their life eating all this food and being fine with it, or even weirder: happy about it. It's like "Man this deep fried bacon mayonaise blob is DELISH!" says Mr. 300 pound lardass. Seriously what is up with these people?! Eating this shit, forcing it into their face non stop... and then THEY COMPLAIN ABOUT THEIR WEIGHT!

Here's some ideas: put down the mayo, walk further than the distance between your couch and the fridge, bike swim run (or lumber whatev), fucking DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Stop bitching that you can't lose weight when you don't even try.

Here I am suffering with my weight, so I eat nothing, drink water and diet stuff, take the stairs everywhere, run swim bike... god damn it this nation of grease and fat disgusts me.

FWA day 3

Last two days of Kekwick were successful. I'll have some left over macadamia nuts after today so I think I might continue it tomorrow as well, tho I think I may just go to restricting instead. Veggie burgers, celery, the restriction can definately happen.
So I can't remember what I was before I started this but I know I lost 3 lb between yesterday and today... so at least it's a start.

Terrible

Well things are going great and awful at the same time, which is the norm now for me. On the plus side I'm happily with W, have a well paying job, and I'm about to move in with W, and I'm about to have both my cars (1997 Eagle Talon & 1971 Datsun 240Z) up and ready to go... On the down side I've gained weight. The downside is about equal to all the good I've gotten so far. I've done a bit of test questions with W and sorta see if he's alright with me losing weight, so far he hasn't said anything to stop me just stuff like 'Lose what?' and 'There's nothing there to lose'. But I recently saw some pictures he took of me one night and I look just TERRIBLE!

So I need to drop at least 20 Lb. I'm looking for the perfect time to do the Kekwick diet to jump start myself into metabolism city. I'm thinking that since I'm over at his place on tuesday night into wednesday I can't do it then. And I don't work thursdays or sundays... so maybe if I do it friday, saturday, and sunday I'll be good. I can pull that off no problem, 3 days of Kekwick and I should lbe down at least 6 lb... I'll need some support tho, so let those comments roll in, I'll be able to reply now that I'm all set up at the dealership.

Also I need to get myself a new red bracelet... something physical to keep me going...

Party

So after last night's bit of food the scales claimed I had gone up to 129 lb. I freaked, I couldn't believe it would happen so quick. I look at the scales today, 126. Nice change but still odd.

Today I was able to go completely without food, all
I had was coffee and cigs. Then I found out that instead of being stuck at home with the pressure of having to eat, there's a party going on instead. So I get out of eating and will prolly do some drinking (only because it makes me lose more weight, if it didn't I wouldn't bother). So party tonight and then tomorrow noone's gonna be home ALL DAY. So from the time I get up until I fade into bed (3-4am) I won't have to eat a bite!

I'm so excited, I may be able to get closer to my 120 goal.

Secrets and Lies

Here's another fun part of ED... you don't get to be honest anymore. Not allowed, forbidden. Hope you didn't enjoy being an honset person, because those days are now gone. Vanished, much like anything over 100 calories, meat, candy, and ice cream. Poof in a cloud of control.

Was away from home all day ith T, we stopped by McDonalds and I got the only thing conceivably healthy: Fruit and Walnut Salad. I then proceeded to eat none of it. I faked like I did, went through the motions with ease and practice. Grab a grape, hand moves up to the mouth, a quick sleight of hand puts the grape into my palm, and as I pretend to reach for another one I drop the original grape back. No eating, no loss of control, instead perfect precision and total control. Welcome to a new world, a world of lies and secrets.

The only calories consumed were from a single beer. The only reason this is allowed is because, by some crazy form of science, my body burns away my fat when I gain alchohol into my system. Though I am admittedly much more buzzed than expected from just one beer. Funny how starving yourself can work that way.

Pizza

So it's weird to me how most people can go about eating. I mean they eat breakfast lunch dinner and think nothing of it. But for me, a single slice of pizza and I feel anxious, fear and self-loathing. I hate every bit of it, and then hate myself for giving into it. I nibbled through one slice of pizza, no way out this time. I managed to explain into my day. Yesterday I had too much, now today I need to eat a little or else I'll lose it, and even now I'm fighting against a binge. Thankfully I'm currently winning this battle... this battle, that's what this life is like.

If anyone who doesn't have an ED wonders what it's like, that's it right there. A constant war. The body wants food, the self refuses, begin the fight the struggle. Every meal becomes a battle. Do I want food? No obviously not, what a crazy thing to think eating. Each bite is more calories, calories equal weight gain, weight gain goes against the goal of LOSING weight. No I don't want to eat, and if you do take a bite or have a slice of pizza then the true battle begins.

The body figures you're done starving yourself now and it's time to eat. Finally, it thinks to itself, finally I can regain the lost nurishment and get back some energy. No, you cry out inside your mind, no we will not eat anymore. That's enough you got a bite, a piece, a slice. That's it, the end, fin.

But the feelings rise, the cravings and desires. Now the body wants more, the stomache grumbling with anticipation. Everything that could be food seems more and more appealing. The battle is here, eat or don't eat. Gain or loss. I want to lose weight, so I choose not to eat. I will win this battle damnable body... I will win. You had your piece now leave me alone.

Day 2

Another successful fast today. No food, no calories. Coffee and cigarettes. Close call at dinner since mom got chinese food. I was tempted but instead got some of it, took it into the sunoom, then since mom was in the living room, I threw it out into an outside garbage can. I felt much better for getting rid of the food.

It makes sense to throw out the food anyway, even if you eat it it'll still get disposed of, and if you eat it it'll only last you a few moments of pleasure before you start regretting ever having even looked at the food. Bleh. I got the dizzies and I'm exhausted... maybe I can sleep tonight...

Also I apprently finally got below 130... not by much but I'm at 129 as of this afternoon.

Fat End-day

So after my post yesterday the rest of the day wound up not too bad. Me and my friend D left the college late (I helped make sure we left late) and we decided since we didn't know if my mum had made dinner or not yet to stop at McDonald's. He got 2 McChickens and a medium Dr. Pepper, I went for the Fruit and Walnut Salad and a medium Diet Coke. I was hoping that he wouldn't notice anything odd about the dinner but he did, though he kinda brushed it off saying 'Normally you eat pretty fast, but when you eat fruit you take forever.', made me feel a little uncomfortable about being considered a fast eater but this comment was made since he ate his two sandwhichs while my eating was: nibble on piece of apple slice, chew 23 times, swallow, drink three slurps of diet soda, repeat. So I got through one apple slice in the time it took him to down two sandwhiches. So that was a step in the right direction.

Then I got home and just started cleaning all over my room, reorganizing, cleaning up, etc. Now today it seems I'll be hanging out with BR and T since they wanna see two movies. I should be able to circumvent any eating today saying I have a sore throat or something, or just that I'm not hungry, since right now I'm not hungry.

Survey +

So Mango sent me this to do a while ago, but I was .... well completely out of it for a while there. Anyway:

Here are the rules:
1. You can only use one word!
2. Pass this along to your favorite bloggers.
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Survey

1. Where is your cell phone?
Pocket
2. Your hair?
Green
3. Your mother?
Depressed
4. Your father?
Away
5. Your favorite food?
Lettuce
6. Your dream last night?
Friends
7. Your favorite drink?
Coffee
8. Your dream/goal?
Perfection
9. What room are you in?
Basement
10. Your hobby?
Art
11. Your fear?
Obesity
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years?
NewYork
13. Where were you last night?
Bedroom
14. Something that you aren’t?
Good
15. Muffins?
Nope
16. Wish list item?
Book
18. Last thing you did?
Draw
19. What are you wearing?
Black
20. Your TV?
Sansui
21. Your pets?
Four
22. Friends?
Close
23. Your life?
Pathetic
24. Your mood?
Ambitious
25. Missing someone?
No
26. Vehicle?
Talon
27. Something you’re not wearing?
Shoes
28. Your favorite store?
Border's
29. Your favorite color?
Black
30. When was the last time you laughed?
Yesterday
31. Last time you cried?
Today
32. Your best friend?
JM
33. One place that I go to over and over?
JM's
34. One person who e-mails me regularly?
Noone
35. Favorite place to eat?
Starbucks

A few things there were the same as Mango actually, heh. Ah well maybe I just couldn't think of anything myself.

Anyway, I was out of it because I got stuck into eating WAY too much lately. I was getting pain on my right side near the front. I dunno what it is, it's still there even though my guess was because of not eating... which is one of the reasons I forced myself to eat more. But the pain is still there, so fuck it.

I watched Thin last night and that triggered me quite a bit back into wanting a perfect body. So yesterday I wasn't able to perfectly starve, but only had like half of a grilled chicken sandwhich from Sheetz.

Currently working on the images for a website... which is really good since we've had the site for a little while now and still haven't gotten the site actually up and running (currently there is only an image with promises of a website to come). So back I got to the images, I'm an insomniac with a site to build.

Some good... Kinda

Well today was kinda good... Though not really foodwise. My phone has been junk for a while now and it turned out I was able to get an iPhone, I've been wanting one since they first came out and now I finally have one. So of course one of the first apps I get is one to track my weight and calories so I can keep a full day-to-day tracking of my fat ass. Not much else worth saying for today since I ate too much and hate myself for it... as usual.