FWA day 3

Last two days of Kekwick were successful. I'll have some left over macadamia nuts after today so I think I might continue it tomorrow as well, tho I think I may just go to restricting instead. Veggie burgers, celery, the restriction can definately happen.
So I can't remember what I was before I started this but I know I lost 3 lb between yesterday and today... so at least it's a start.

Hard to start

So I did pretty well today until I got home, then I got stuck with dinner with my roommate J and D. I had a sandwich. Though I felt the effects of it right away, and it just felt awful, so my current plan was to hop out to get what I need for the Kekwick diet but I'm not so sure I'll be able to right away, so I may need to hold off until tomorrow to get the diet stuffs... I wish it weren't so hard. Also last week W noticed my arm full of cuts, but he just brushed it off so I'm not sure what he thinks puts those cuts there but he doesn't seem worried which mean he doesn't suspect me... which is good.

Party

So after last night's bit of food the scales claimed I had gone up to 129 lb. I freaked, I couldn't believe it would happen so quick. I look at the scales today, 126. Nice change but still odd.

Today I was able to go completely without food, all
I had was coffee and cigs. Then I found out that instead of being stuck at home with the pressure of having to eat, there's a party going on instead. So I get out of eating and will prolly do some drinking (only because it makes me lose more weight, if it didn't I wouldn't bother). So party tonight and then tomorrow noone's gonna be home ALL DAY. So from the time I get up until I fade into bed (3-4am) I won't have to eat a bite!

I'm so excited, I may be able to get closer to my 120 goal.

Pizza

So it's weird to me how most people can go about eating. I mean they eat breakfast lunch dinner and think nothing of it. But for me, a single slice of pizza and I feel anxious, fear and self-loathing. I hate every bit of it, and then hate myself for giving into it. I nibbled through one slice of pizza, no way out this time. I managed to explain into my day. Yesterday I had too much, now today I need to eat a little or else I'll lose it, and even now I'm fighting against a binge. Thankfully I'm currently winning this battle... this battle, that's what this life is like.

If anyone who doesn't have an ED wonders what it's like, that's it right there. A constant war. The body wants food, the self refuses, begin the fight the struggle. Every meal becomes a battle. Do I want food? No obviously not, what a crazy thing to think eating. Each bite is more calories, calories equal weight gain, weight gain goes against the goal of LOSING weight. No I don't want to eat, and if you do take a bite or have a slice of pizza then the true battle begins.

The body figures you're done starving yourself now and it's time to eat. Finally, it thinks to itself, finally I can regain the lost nurishment and get back some energy. No, you cry out inside your mind, no we will not eat anymore. That's enough you got a bite, a piece, a slice. That's it, the end, fin.

But the feelings rise, the cravings and desires. Now the body wants more, the stomache grumbling with anticipation. Everything that could be food seems more and more appealing. The battle is here, eat or don't eat. Gain or loss. I want to lose weight, so I choose not to eat. I will win this battle damnable body... I will win. You had your piece now leave me alone.

Day 2

Another successful fast today. No food, no calories. Coffee and cigarettes. Close call at dinner since mom got chinese food. I was tempted but instead got some of it, took it into the sunoom, then since mom was in the living room, I threw it out into an outside garbage can. I felt much better for getting rid of the food.

It makes sense to throw out the food anyway, even if you eat it it'll still get disposed of, and if you eat it it'll only last you a few moments of pleasure before you start regretting ever having even looked at the food. Bleh. I got the dizzies and I'm exhausted... maybe I can sleep tonight...

Also I apprently finally got below 130... not by much but I'm at 129 as of this afternoon.

Blech

Yep, I know I haven't been on by bliggity-blog or my witty-twitter for a while. Mostly been out of it and lots going on at the home. All in all things are going a mix of good and awful around here, but not gonna get into that at the moment, maybe will after all the dust has cleared. Mostly I've been upset with myself, having a day or two that I eat little or nothing, and then pigging out... my weight hasn't changed through it all which is bewildering and infuriating.

Thankfully today I'm here at the college so I will be able to go it all without the use of food, helped out by a delightfully creepy energy drink I found. It's called Blood Energy potion and it's actually in a blood bag like you would use on an IV drip. 25 calories (which is more than my usual 0 from diet stuff), but it's all vitamins and stuff... and 55% of the Iron a person gets from a "normal" 2K calorie diet (frightening), what that means for me is that I'll actually start getting some ot the stuff I know I should be getting to help with my weight-loss... I'm always just too damn lazy to actually take vitamins regularly... Eh, well I should be posting more so hop back and view what I've been up to with my miserable life.

Fat End-day

So after my post yesterday the rest of the day wound up not too bad. Me and my friend D left the college late (I helped make sure we left late) and we decided since we didn't know if my mum had made dinner or not yet to stop at McDonald's. He got 2 McChickens and a medium Dr. Pepper, I went for the Fruit and Walnut Salad and a medium Diet Coke. I was hoping that he wouldn't notice anything odd about the dinner but he did, though he kinda brushed it off saying 'Normally you eat pretty fast, but when you eat fruit you take forever.', made me feel a little uncomfortable about being considered a fast eater but this comment was made since he ate his two sandwhichs while my eating was: nibble on piece of apple slice, chew 23 times, swallow, drink three slurps of diet soda, repeat. So I got through one apple slice in the time it took him to down two sandwhiches. So that was a step in the right direction.

Then I got home and just started cleaning all over my room, reorganizing, cleaning up, etc. Now today it seems I'll be hanging out with BR and T since they wanna see two movies. I should be able to circumvent any eating today saying I have a sore throat or something, or just that I'm not hungry, since right now I'm not hungry.

Survey +

So Mango sent me this to do a while ago, but I was .... well completely out of it for a while there. Anyway:

Here are the rules:
1. You can only use one word!
2. Pass this along to your favorite bloggers.
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Survey

1. Where is your cell phone?
Pocket
2. Your hair?
Green
3. Your mother?
Depressed
4. Your father?
Away
5. Your favorite food?
Lettuce
6. Your dream last night?
Friends
7. Your favorite drink?
Coffee
8. Your dream/goal?
Perfection
9. What room are you in?
Basement
10. Your hobby?
Art
11. Your fear?
Obesity
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years?
NewYork
13. Where were you last night?
Bedroom
14. Something that you aren’t?
Good
15. Muffins?
Nope
16. Wish list item?
Book
18. Last thing you did?
Draw
19. What are you wearing?
Black
20. Your TV?
Sansui
21. Your pets?
Four
22. Friends?
Close
23. Your life?
Pathetic
24. Your mood?
Ambitious
25. Missing someone?
No
26. Vehicle?
Talon
27. Something you’re not wearing?
Shoes
28. Your favorite store?
Border's
29. Your favorite color?
Black
30. When was the last time you laughed?
Yesterday
31. Last time you cried?
Today
32. Your best friend?
JM
33. One place that I go to over and over?
JM's
34. One person who e-mails me regularly?
Noone
35. Favorite place to eat?
Starbucks

A few things there were the same as Mango actually, heh. Ah well maybe I just couldn't think of anything myself.

Anyway, I was out of it because I got stuck into eating WAY too much lately. I was getting pain on my right side near the front. I dunno what it is, it's still there even though my guess was because of not eating... which is one of the reasons I forced myself to eat more. But the pain is still there, so fuck it.

I watched Thin last night and that triggered me quite a bit back into wanting a perfect body. So yesterday I wasn't able to perfectly starve, but only had like half of a grilled chicken sandwhich from Sheetz.

Currently working on the images for a website... which is really good since we've had the site for a little while now and still haven't gotten the site actually up and running (currently there is only an image with promises of a website to come). So back I got to the images, I'm an insomniac with a site to build.

finally... a 'good' day

So I made the realization last night... well technically this morning at 2am (yay insomnia) that today (wednesday) I would be with friends... but I might be able to get away without eating the hordes of pizza, and that on thursday I would be working (lawncare, which I hate since I despise manual labor) by myself.. able to go without lunch and get back home too late for dinner, or say that I had something to eat. And it wouldn't really be a lie, I've started myself back onto the Kekwick diet, it's a kinda rough diet. Drops my energy back down to Zero, and puts my irritability way back up (thank you starvation), but with it I usually am able to drop 2-3 lb a day. I was on it today, no problems. Tomorrow I will be on it again. Friday I need to find out if my friend works with me or not, if he doesn't I'll be able to do it for that third day. Then I just need to keep my cal low on saturday (I'll prolly end up eating so I'll aim for salads the whole time, unless I'm at home then I'll just go for real small servings). Maybe this will be the first step to me getting my weight down again... I just keep thinking about getting my weight down... getting thin, and how wonderful it'll be when I make it down to a good weight. First down to 120, then 110... I hope to get below 100, that's my dream...

Pessimist

Maybe I'd be better off overall as a pessimist. Because then I could just look at everything I do and just immediately assume that I'd fail and thus decide it isn't worth trying, but no instead I'm more of an optimist and go about my dad assuming things will work out in the end, and that I'll manage to succeed.

What makes me start thinking like this today, well because of course I failed at my fast today. On the plus side I did get through two and a half of the days before crashing it to meaninglessness. Decided to hang out with some friends today, and that wound us up at a Chinese restaurant and then the movies. After that I came home and there were brownies. I'll have to find out in the morning exactly how much I've set myself back, but it feels to me like I'm so far away as to make it not worth me trying... though I know that there is no way I can actually give up.

Of course I had tried to stop my fasting, restricting, obsessing over my weight all of it. But when I do I always seem to fall right back to it in at most a week. So it seems like no matter what I'm stuck with these feelings and obsessions... I dunno if I'll ever be able to freely eat and never worry.... I'm dunno if I would ever want to...

End of Day 2

Today was another successful day, I'm starting to feel a bit better about it all too. The weight is starting to drop off, and I'm back down to where I was before I started gaining like crazy from the holiday. Down to 125 according to my scale, 123 according to the bathroom scale. And I'm gaining more followers, up to 15. It's sort of surprising that people actually seem interested about how things are going for me and what I'm doing. That alone feels kinda great. And thanks to everyone who's willing to take time outta their day just to read up on my little life.

Day 2 of 3

So far things have gone pretty good. I can feel my hunger building up more and more, but I have managed to keep it off my mind through coffee, tea, and cigs. All I have to do is make it to wednesday and then I'll be able to have a LITTLE bit of something. Restricting often times feels even better since I waste most of my eating time with planning out what I will actually eat... kinda interesting in a way.

starting up a new fast

I'm sick and tired of all this wasteful eating that's been going on, today was another day of the same, due in part to visiting my family today. But starting tomorrow I'm getting back on track. Starting with a new fast. I've got plenty of determination, and I'm tired of having to punish myself with every pound I gain... I'm running out of room on my arm and leg... so tomorrow starts up the fast. I'm gonna go for at least 3 days (nothing but diet soda, coffee and cigarettes), and then go onto a strict restriction. This will work, not because I hope it will, but because it HAS to work.

125...

So yesterday I managed to go ahead and ruin what I was doing. But today was better, and tomorrow will be even more so. I had some pizza today (roughly 450 cal) and diet soda. And cigarettes... life-savers right there, lower my appetite and keep my mind off food. Tomorrow's plan is to fast, probably friday as well. Then on saturday I'm going to a banquet at a boy scout troop for my kid brother, no doubt there will be plenty of food, and I need to search through it all for nothing but salad if possible, if not I'll have to go with as little as possible.

Semester is over, and I managed to fail two out of three classes, go me. I found out I should be able to get in next semester, which was determined by when the last chance to put up for payment plan is (Jan 6th plenty of time). So now I just need to register for my classes and save up my money. Thankfully some good luck is coming my way as a new car, I've been getting sick and tired of driving around in a car with only 3 gears and no music. It's really the no music part that kills me.

I'm also tired of being stuck at the mid-twenties. I'll be getting down to the high teens ASAP. I have my goal date and will do whatever I can to get there at that time.

Restricting

Today the plan is restricting, I dunno exactly how much but currently I'm at 155 cal (1 english muffin with diet apple jelly). I don't plan on going above 500 today, if even that much. So mostly it's just been black coffee and cigarettes... and that one english muffin.

Fast ended...

My fast ended earlier than I had wanted it today. At about 7:30 pm I had a small subway sandwhich and when I got home a piece of pizza and 3 breadsticks. I hate myself for this. It's like the last two days I was going great and then I through it all away. I don't purge ever, but I came damn close today.


I could cry.

125

Not much in the way of loss today, which I guess is to be expected since the body changes it's weight a lot. Pretty good day of fasting today, no food at all. Though I did have more coffee it doesn't seem to matter much, I guess as long as I keep it down on the frequency... I wouldn't have even had that coffee if I hadn't been at the mall today.

Tomorrow should go just as fair as today went, and no coffee since I won't be anywhere near the mall at all. Closest thing I'll have to starbucks coffee is coffee at work (for me that's black or black with 5 packets of Equal in it).

It's good that the scale is going down, but I need more loss. I need to get down to 120 by X-Mas but seeing as how things are going I may actually need to revise that as 115 by X-Mas. My body should be able to accomplish that much, especially with my mind getting on track as it is. With everything going crazy in my life at least I can control my food intake.

126

Weighed myself in before class today and it seems I'm down a bit more to 126. I guess that's pretty good but it's not nearly enough. Currently in web design, a class I'm afraid I will fail. Hopefully I can convince the teacher to show me how to build this site that needs to be built and turn it in today. If I can do that and get my next one in I should be able to skim by.

It's hard to describe how upset I am that the last two semesters I was Dean's List and now I'm HOPING to pass my courses.

Pretty good

Fast went pretty good today. The only thing I THINK might be a slip up, is a Starbucks coffee I had... but no food. And only that so I see today as being a pretty successful day of fasting. Now to continue this tomorrow and friday. After all hunger hurts, but starving works...

Going strong

Currently working on my fast... which is really more of my own "Diet Coke and Cigarettes Diet." And so far I'm going strong, no slips, no bumps. I should be able to keep this up for another two days after this as well. As long as I can avoid home and family dinners I should be good.