Gonzo Journalism Holiday Edition

Happy Holidays, it's like a big gaudy neon sign waiting outside of a derelict section of a run-down town. That's how we see it, that's how I see it. Welcome to the holidays, a hellish time that begins with Thanksgiving and Ends just after the New Year. Filled with gluttony, temptation, self-hatred, fights at Wal-Mart for the newest big toy for the tots, and so much more. We see this come every year, the fear starting up sometime in October, mid-November if you're lucky or just forgetful.

A big dinner, family, meat, desserts, temptation, hatred, fear, and loathing. You make it through that and then what comes around the corner but a month full of cookies, and desserts in preparation for the next big step, Christmas and it's merry dinner. It surrounds you and engulfs you. There is no escape, that would be too easy; there is no safe ground, that would be to akin to a heaven. The holidays aren't heaven, they're Hell.

Apparently Hell isn't all fire and brimstone. Instead it comes at you socially and mentally, everyone stuffing themselves with the bounties and gorging away at whatever food they can get to their hands. It's cold, it's full of bright lights and gifts. But make thee no mistake, it's Hell just the same. It just comes in pretty wrapping paper.

You fight through it all, hoping to come out okay. Each day goes by, or is it a month.. maybe a year I can never tell since it feels all the same. Meals, visits, desserts, gifts... tears, cries, sobs, slice after slice for the mistakes and falls. We get to scramble through these Holiday Hells, hurt on the inside... smiling on the out. Each time 'I made it, somehow... some way... I dunno how I'm gonna do it again. But good news.

Next year it'll be here again, with the lights and noise, visits and meals, tears and sobs... happy holidays...

temptation and cookies

There is now a house full of cookies, and I must admit O my brothers and sisters, that I, your Humble Narrator, have given in to my temptation. But not no more shall I be controlled but such devilish wants and tempting. I have been lax in my strength but have retempered myself to getting thin. No breakfast, no lunch, dinner only when I must. I iwish to viddy myself thinner and slooshy once more the slovos such as 'Wow how thin you are' and 'You barely exist'. I will get better, I will get thinner.

pictures

Since you wanted them here they are, me (fat though I may be) looking stylish in my Gothic attire. As you can see I've had some issues with the images...

today

Today I spent the day at the movies with T and BR. I managed to get away with: 1 Diet Amp, 3 Diet Cokes, and 1 pack of cigarettes. So the day was pretty good, we spent it at our Promenade Mall, I of course in my typical fashion of white button up shirt, black pants (that are currently TOO TIGHT and I will change myself for that), black buckled vest, black trenchcoat, and black top hat. So my friends looking like normal people and then me walking around looking like a Victorian Vampire (pale skin helps). I tend to get compliments on my looks from people and I've had girls say they want my legs and whatnot, I just don't see it. I look into a mirror and what I see there is clearly different from what everyone else sees. My friends joke that I wear clothes to stop a stiff breeze from carrying me away, but I wear baggy clothes to hide my body instead. I wish I weren't so big, I just wanna be thin and perfect... and it's hard to get there but of course if it wasn't hard then it wouldn't be worth it.

Fat End-day

So after my post yesterday the rest of the day wound up not too bad. Me and my friend D left the college late (I helped make sure we left late) and we decided since we didn't know if my mum had made dinner or not yet to stop at McDonald's. He got 2 McChickens and a medium Dr. Pepper, I went for the Fruit and Walnut Salad and a medium Diet Coke. I was hoping that he wouldn't notice anything odd about the dinner but he did, though he kinda brushed it off saying 'Normally you eat pretty fast, but when you eat fruit you take forever.', made me feel a little uncomfortable about being considered a fast eater but this comment was made since he ate his two sandwhichs while my eating was: nibble on piece of apple slice, chew 23 times, swallow, drink three slurps of diet soda, repeat. So I got through one apple slice in the time it took him to down two sandwhiches. So that was a step in the right direction.

Then I got home and just started cleaning all over my room, reorganizing, cleaning up, etc. Now today it seems I'll be hanging out with BR and T since they wanna see two movies. I should be able to circumvent any eating today saying I have a sore throat or something, or just that I'm not hungry, since right now I'm not hungry.

Fat

So I haven't been able to do any of my dieting. Things get rough when you have four people living with you expecting you to eat dinner every night. I'm just so pissed at myself for being so fat.

I'm at the college right now getting compliments about how thin I am and how thin my legs are, but I just can't see it at all especially with how fat I am. I hate it so much, my favorite pants are tight on me and i just feel so ... Ugh.

Today so far has been A latte with sugar free vanilla an lowfat milk, and a lowfat milk moccha, if things go well I should be able to keep it at just this for today.

I still need to do better with dinner and start hiding food and avoiding it all totally I possible... Why can't I be thin... I hate this SO MUCH!!!