train of thought

Scale, by the bed, under the cover. Lord of my mind, my life. It rules over me, taking away the freedom I wish for so much but yet I feel comforted by it's absolute law. The numbers it gives me are the truth, that which I must obey, like a teisted golf score. The lower score wins, higher score gets me scorn...

Mirrors, face away from the mirrors, no window to the soul... only a gaze at the flaws. That which must change, that needs to change. Thinner thinner thinner... lose it all... fade away...

Knife, by the bed, an arm's length away. Enforcer of the rule of Lord Scale. The punisher of my sins. Slice, a pound. Slice, a hundred calories. Slice away, the pain is the punishment that I deserve...

Clothes, the mockery of myself. Baggy pants, loose shirt, long sleeves. Hide the shame. Hide the body. Hide the scars.

Smiles, jokes, laughs... Mask, lies, acts... hide the truth, hide the tears, hide the hate...

Rub my hands, the obsession grows. Do they know? Do they suspect? Do they see through the acts?

Will they try to stop me?

Can I allow myself to let them try?

finally... a 'good' day

So I made the realization last night... well technically this morning at 2am (yay insomnia) that today (wednesday) I would be with friends... but I might be able to get away without eating the hordes of pizza, and that on thursday I would be working (lawncare, which I hate since I despise manual labor) by myself.. able to go without lunch and get back home too late for dinner, or say that I had something to eat. And it wouldn't really be a lie, I've started myself back onto the Kekwick diet, it's a kinda rough diet. Drops my energy back down to Zero, and puts my irritability way back up (thank you starvation), but with it I usually am able to drop 2-3 lb a day. I was on it today, no problems. Tomorrow I will be on it again. Friday I need to find out if my friend works with me or not, if he doesn't I'll be able to do it for that third day. Then I just need to keep my cal low on saturday (I'll prolly end up eating so I'll aim for salads the whole time, unless I'm at home then I'll just go for real small servings). Maybe this will be the first step to me getting my weight down again... I just keep thinking about getting my weight down... getting thin, and how wonderful it'll be when I make it down to a good weight. First down to 120, then 110... I hope to get below 100, that's my dream...