The fuzzies

My mind has been covered in the fuzzies all day long. Part of me, as always, gets annoyed by it. Making it more difficult to focus on things, thinking, staring off into space. But then the better part of me is thrilled at the fact that it means my body is starting to deal with going on less than 1000 calories... most of the time lately less than 500 calories.

Today being one of those less than 500 days. I was supposed to go out with another agent on an appointment today, but it turned out to be canceled and I wound up just lazing in bed till I had to get up and help W transfer tools with another of his co-workers. While sitting at the van having a cigarette I tried to think of what we were going to do with an appointment tomorrow... and I couldn't think. At all, the end.

It was a little thrilling. My sense is back to me. I smile on the inside more as the pain in my stomach grows. Even the familiar feeling of the body being hungry but not for a specific thing, just sort of hungry in general. And I know that I can say no, and I can avoid food just like I always did before.

And what was on the plate today? Well at one point I couldn't really avoid W asking about what I'd had and that I should eat (I have a habit of aimlessly wandering over to the fridge, opening it and then closing it without taking any food... like all the time). So I decided to make some lunch. Of course an anorexic's lunch can be a sight to behold.

30 minutes to make a sandwich. I had to pull out anything that could go on it. Scrutinize over the calories and fat count. Decide what out of it all could go on that would be alright. And then actually do the math and add it all up to get my total.

I split a potato hamburger bun into two (one bun is 130 calories). Then I got out some sliced ham and turkey and decided that having two sandwiches would be harder to eat than one, spreading it out would make more that I have to eat and thus make me less able to get through it all. 1 oz of ham (40 calories) went between the two halves of bun, and 1 oz of turkey (50 calories) went on next. Then I split a single slice of muenster cheese between the two of them (80 calories). And finished it up by putting mustard all over these two open-face sandwiches.

At that point W had to leave on a job. So I nibbled and drank diet soda for the course of 40 minutes. And then after managing to get through one of the two sandwiches I went and threw the other out, hiding it under other pieces of trash to hide it nicely. So if I would have eaten it all: 300 calories. Instead I took that and got through half. So 150 calories for the day.

The fuzzies stayed with me for most of the day. Then at one point I had to go over to Z's place to print a form that I will need at tomorrow's appointment (my printer just ran out of ink and I'm too poor to get more). I had a glass of water and turned down his offering of food (I just ate I lied to him). I got everything printed out (finding everything I needed was a bit confusing, not sure if that's because of the business itself or the fuzzies) and after 2 hours finally left to go back home to W.

He was just making dinner and of course asked if I wanted some, but I casually turned it down saying I just wasn't hungry. And so I sat with him while he ate and we watched some TV, rubbing his back after a while. It was a nice night. But at one point while walking past the kitchen I got drawn in.

I opened the pantry and looked right at the swiss rolls sitting on the shelf. I craved them, and I craved them hard. I nearly reached for them with a part of my mind saying 'you've only had 150 calories today, 200 more wouldn't be too bad'. But I was able to pull myself away from it all. quickly I was out the door to the balcony to have another cigarette.

And then the craving was gone, I just had to wait the few minutes of my smoke. Why yes the swiss rolls would be nice to have, but no thanks. I'd rather be thin.

So today was good. 150 calories, resisting temptation everywhere I went, and now I'm sitting here with a cup of vanilla honey chamomille tea.

Laters, K

A disaster and an improvement

So yesterday me and a bunch of friends got together at my mom's place to have a meal. Joy.

Now the meal itself was fairly healthy, J made his Tropical Chili (Apple, Mango, Mandarin Orange, Black beans, Chicken, White Rice). So as far as the actual health and calories it wasn't as bad as it could be. I myself ate 3/4th of a bowl of it. Still too much but I had to eat to appear normal. With it I drank plenty of diet soda of course.

However of course this led to me later on having to cut. Now I made a bad choice on this one. My left arm is mostly scar at this point I feel, so I decided that since I haven't cut my leg in a while I would cut there. Simple enough to hide I figured, it's cold and long pants can always hide the scars.

Now the next part requires a bit of preface. As you all know I am gay, very gay. And not manly about it either, I'm a fem, girly boi. I like to wear girls clothes often as well (pants and shirts, I don't go around in skirts and dresses). And W likes me in girly things as well. I had forgotten that he had ordered me a side tie bikini... and it arrived today as I got home from work.

Of course he wanted to see me in it right away and all I could think about were the fresh slices on my left thigh. So after trying to hide my leg and avoiding wearing the bikini (he ordered me a small which is apparently size 0-2) eventually I couldn't avoid it. It did fit well and I do like it and look forward to wearing it... but he did notice the cuts on my leg. He commented on it and I just brushed it aside with a Yeah and ignored it from there, although I did notice him look at my leg often and rub his hand over it.

As far as my eating today I was a little disappointed but all in all I did fairly well. 5 chicken nuggets (230 calories) with yellow mustard (0 calories). I drank nothing but diet soda and ate nothing else today. so my total is 230 calories. Today at my weigh-in I was up from 148 to 149 lb, with today that should be cut back down to at least 148 maybe 147.

In other news for today, I have finally completed all of my initial online courses and contracting for my new position. So now I can finally start writing some business. I won't go into any specifics of my position but after a few years I can be looking at making 6 figures, this is very good. I'm tired of being the poorest person I know.

Laters, K

Fat End-day

So after my post yesterday the rest of the day wound up not too bad. Me and my friend D left the college late (I helped make sure we left late) and we decided since we didn't know if my mum had made dinner or not yet to stop at McDonald's. He got 2 McChickens and a medium Dr. Pepper, I went for the Fruit and Walnut Salad and a medium Diet Coke. I was hoping that he wouldn't notice anything odd about the dinner but he did, though he kinda brushed it off saying 'Normally you eat pretty fast, but when you eat fruit you take forever.', made me feel a little uncomfortable about being considered a fast eater but this comment was made since he ate his two sandwhichs while my eating was: nibble on piece of apple slice, chew 23 times, swallow, drink three slurps of diet soda, repeat. So I got through one apple slice in the time it took him to down two sandwhiches. So that was a step in the right direction.

Then I got home and just started cleaning all over my room, reorganizing, cleaning up, etc. Now today it seems I'll be hanging out with BR and T since they wanna see two movies. I should be able to circumvent any eating today saying I have a sore throat or something, or just that I'm not hungry, since right now I'm not hungry.

Some good... Kinda

Well today was kinda good... Though not really foodwise. My phone has been junk for a while now and it turned out I was able to get an iPhone, I've been wanting one since they first came out and now I finally have one. So of course one of the first apps I get is one to track my weight and calories so I can keep a full day-to-day tracking of my fat ass. Not much else worth saying for today since I ate too much and hate myself for it... as usual.

So of course...

my fast turned into more a restrict. But I guess I'll just have to deal with that. At least I didn't go overboard at all, and I can fast tomorrow (which should be easier anyway since I was hanging out with a lot of people over this weekend). I'm kinda enjoying the purple hair but next time I'm gonna bleach first instead of just going with my blonde (which the purple super darkened).

Pessimist

Maybe I'd be better off overall as a pessimist. Because then I could just look at everything I do and just immediately assume that I'd fail and thus decide it isn't worth trying, but no instead I'm more of an optimist and go about my dad assuming things will work out in the end, and that I'll manage to succeed.

What makes me start thinking like this today, well because of course I failed at my fast today. On the plus side I did get through two and a half of the days before crashing it to meaninglessness. Decided to hang out with some friends today, and that wound us up at a Chinese restaurant and then the movies. After that I came home and there were brownies. I'll have to find out in the morning exactly how much I've set myself back, but it feels to me like I'm so far away as to make it not worth me trying... though I know that there is no way I can actually give up.

Of course I had tried to stop my fasting, restricting, obsessing over my weight all of it. But when I do I always seem to fall right back to it in at most a week. So it seems like no matter what I'm stuck with these feelings and obsessions... I dunno if I'll ever be able to freely eat and never worry.... I'm dunno if I would ever want to...