Saturday, March 16, 2013

I am terrible at resolutions

So yeah blogging more often hasn't quite happened has it? I apologize for that. Recently my life has been extra chaotic. New job/career (ironically in health), money issues, life issues, stress. Good things, bad thing, doing well on my diets, and doing awful.

I wish my body and brain were programed to stop eating when dealing with stress and depression, instead I find myself eating more, then hating myself for it, punishment, stress, rinse repeat.

I need to be able to get myself grounded again. To get back to saying no. Stop eating.

I news the accomplishment of starving, success. Stop giving in. Be more determined, focused, strong.

I want to stand up and feel the lovely dizzies. The familiar malnutrition headaches. I wanna watch my body eat up the fat and muscle and strain to survive as I deprive it of nutrients.

More diet pills? When I have money. Better diets? When I have my freedom back.

Go to work, no time for breakfast. Skip lunch because there is too much to do. Get back home, no dinner for me I ate on the way home.

Let the lies slide off my tongue and engulf me. Safety in the lies. Security in my strength. Love in my self hatred.

Ana I need you back, take me away.

Laters, K

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