Day 2

Another successful fast today. No food, no calories. Coffee and cigarettes. Close call at dinner since mom got chinese food. I was tempted but instead got some of it, took it into the sunoom, then since mom was in the living room, I threw it out into an outside garbage can. I felt much better for getting rid of the food.

It makes sense to throw out the food anyway, even if you eat it it'll still get disposed of, and if you eat it it'll only last you a few moments of pleasure before you start regretting ever having even looked at the food. Bleh. I got the dizzies and I'm exhausted... maybe I can sleep tonight...

Also I apprently finally got below 130... not by much but I'm at 129 as of this afternoon.

0 cal day

No food today. Had a close call at dinner, mom made hamburger helper. I was worried we would be eating at the table, but instead it was a 'grab and go' meal, so I loaded up a bowl headed into the living room with J, and played my PSP for a little bit keeping the bowl nearby until I dumped it into the kitchen garbage after a few minutes. It feels good knowing that while my life is shit right now at least I control what goes into my body.

And today that was nothing but coffee and cigarettes... the smoke not the rest of it. I also got a bit of the dizzies later on which I love. So at lesat food wise it was a good day. Though in a few days I do run into a problem: my friend C is having his birthday celebration and having a barbeque get together. My current plan is to see about getting a salad (my friends know I'm a vegetarian) and maybe nibbling a bit on a piece of lettuce or two.

I just need to make sure tomorrow is like today: No food.

Crushed again

I didn't get the job... or any job I've applied for. My bank account was shut down, I don't have any unemployment coming in even though I'm doing the claims it's getting bogged down in the offices. No job, no money... I don't know how I'm going to pay for the loan again my car (which is 19 days past due), I don't know how I'm gonna pay for insurance on the car (which of course if I don't keep I lose my car to the bank). I have a site up and running (barely) that I won't be able to pay for....

The other day I slept for 12 hours straight... because I couldn't come up with a reason worth getting up for until I had to take care of the dogs... I'm running out of options and losing all hope.

My weight still won't drop below 130, though I have stopped being hungry since I can't afford food anyway... I'm close to just giving up.

Melatonin and green tea

So I've started taking some melatonin to try and sleep... seeing as its 12:27 and I'm wide awake I suppose it's not working too well. But I've also started getting some green tea pills to help burn off some of this terrible fat. Yet I remain at 130 lb... grrr.... Still trying to get a job, though things are looking good for a position selling cars.... yeah kinda like being a member of the darkside but also last time I sold cars I was able to make at least $1K a week at times, also I was at my previous thinnest and I'll do it again to get back to it. Anything.

can't sleep

so here I am on the blog. Yeah I'm bad at keeping the consistency with it all. Apologies. I've just been getting to the level of depression where I can't find a reason to drag myself over to the computer...

Everything sucks right now. I still have no job, no money, and I have to pay for a loan against my Talon as well as the insurance.. I have no gas money which I need so I can go get a job. And noone is willing to lend me some money for gas.

I seem forever stuck in the 130 area, right now at 133. I just wanna drop it down to 100 or less. I have admittedly thought about doing certain things.. but I pull myself back from doing anything... permanent. I just hope my situation improves soon... because right now my life isn't worth living...

Desperation

Hello dear readers and bliggy bloggers. Your humble narroator is indeed still around, just frazzled and bear wits end. My beloved car is up and running, I had obtained a job with the census that only lasted a month, and now I search non-stop for a real job. One that will last more than one month.

I've been applying at car dealerships for the money and fact that I had a job at one before that helped me drop down to my previous lowest weight. I have also been working on paintings and drawings and yes they will be posted for thee to viddy once I get the chance.

Unfortunately I also went lax in my dieting and rose back to the weight of 134, which I plan to do something about. Being poor does definately assist with dieting: no money for food.

Plans in action

So let's see, yesterday... Yesterday was the first time in quite a while that I hid food during dinner. Dinner was the only meal I had to eat, and it was roast beef and carrots and potatos. So I took a small bit of carrots and potatos smashed up the potatos to make it look like more, and then every forkfull of the beef went quickly to my hand then lap. Nothing like misusing the sleight of hand I learned for my own goals. I had like 5 of the baby carrots and a tiny amount of potato, then threw it all away. I was proud of myself... I'm not 100% sure that I should have been, I mean it's pretty odd when you think about it... hiding food and all... but par for the course here.

Today I managed to get away from eating all together which at first I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do. But instead of being stuck at home with nothing to do but dread the arrival of dinner, BR called up and offered going to the movies and hanging out, and let me tell you I jumped on that opportunity right away. A slight snag with lunch, but it was quickly dismissed by telling him that I had a big breakfast and wasn't hungry because of it. And then I skipped out right when he was going to have dinner at his place which is 2 hours after dinner at my place allowing me to say I ate at BR's and avoid dinner completely. What I did have a lot of though was Diet Amp and Diet Green Tea, no cals and the green tea sped up my metabolism maybe just a bit but every little ounce helps.

I haven't had the chance to get on the scale yet though gotta wait a bit longer for that, and I was rushed out of the house today so I couldn't do it in the morning... which upset me a LOT. But soon I'll hop on and see if there was any change... please let there be change... let me have dropped even one pound... just let me see my work paying off for me.