The Return

I've been gone for a while. I wish I could say it's because I got cured, life got better, things have been great and never better. Of course that would be a lie. I've been through a lot.

I ended my relationship with W after three years. There were a bunch of reasons but essentially it all boiled down to one thing. W was abusive. He never hit me or raped me, so I'm thankful for that, but mentally, verbally, emotionally, and physically through intimidation and shows of violence around the apartment. It wasn't good, and it kept getting worse and worse.

Then one week he went on vacation with some friends, I wasn't allowed to go, and I spent time online and wound up meeting G. We met in person soon after meeting online. I had only been looking for a friend but I found more.

It was G who helped me end the relationship indirectly. And now we're together and living in Philadelphia.

Am I happy? I don't think I've ever been really happy, but I do have times where I do feel happy, even if it's only for a fleeting moment before it gets washed away by a wave of negativity from my mind.

Am I thin? No. I gained weight during my relationship with W and I wasn't able to get into the mindset to lose that weight.

As it usually goes with me, I'm back to needing to lose weight. I hate my body and I still feel hollow. I always feel hollow. Most of the time I do my best to hide how awful I feel with jokes and smiles, but under it all I still feel empty, listless, worthless... The melancholy of life. Well my life anyway.

There's plenty more to tell and I'll be keeping track of my eating, as per usual. G and I decided to go vegetarian. I put up a fight against it. I think because it's a means to my ends and I'm afraid of just using this like I use everything else. Fuck I'm a terrible person, but maybe I can be a thin terrible person. Then at least I won't feel like crying every time I look in a mirror. Hopefully, I'll just feel like crying sometimes. What can I say, I'm just a silver lining kinda person.

-K

The Return

I've been gone for a while. I wish I could say it's because I got cured, life got better, things have been great and never better. Of course that would be a lie. I've been through a lot.

I ended my relationship with W after three years. There were a bunch of reasons but essentially it all boiled down to one thing. W was abusive. He never hit me or raped me, so I'm thankful for that, but mentally, verbally, emotionally, and physically through intimidation and shows of violence around the apartment. It wasn't good, and it kept getting worse and worse.

Then one week he went on vacation with some friends, I wasn't allowed to go, and I spent time online and wound up meeting G. We met in person soon after meeting online. I had only been looking for a friend but I found more.

It was G who helped me end the relationship indirectly. And now we're together and living in Philadelphia.

Am I happy? I don't think I've ever been really happy, but I do have times where I do feel happy, even if it's only for a fleeting moment before it gets washed away by a wave of negativity from my mind.

Am I thin? No. I gained weight during my relationship with W and I wasn't able to get into the mindset to lose that weight.

As it usually goes with me, I'm back to needing to lose weight. I hate my body and I still feel hollow. I always feel hollow. Most of the time I do my best to hide how awful I feel with jokes and smiles, but under it all I still feel empty, listless, worthless... The melancholy of life. Well my life anyway.

There's plenty more to tell and I'll be keeping track of my eating, as per usual. G and I decided to go vegetarian. I put up a fight against it. I think because it's a means to my ends and I'm afraid of just using this like I use everything else. Fuck I'm a terrible person, but maybe I can be a thin terrible person. Then at least I won't feel like crying every time I look in a mirror. Hopefully, I'll just feel like crying sometimes. What can I say, I'm just a silver lining kinda person.

-K

The fuzzies

My mind has been covered in the fuzzies all day long. Part of me, as always, gets annoyed by it. Making it more difficult to focus on things, thinking, staring off into space. But then the better part of me is thrilled at the fact that it means my body is starting to deal with going on less than 1000 calories... most of the time lately less than 500 calories.

Today being one of those less than 500 days. I was supposed to go out with another agent on an appointment today, but it turned out to be canceled and I wound up just lazing in bed till I had to get up and help W transfer tools with another of his co-workers. While sitting at the van having a cigarette I tried to think of what we were going to do with an appointment tomorrow... and I couldn't think. At all, the end.

It was a little thrilling. My sense is back to me. I smile on the inside more as the pain in my stomach grows. Even the familiar feeling of the body being hungry but not for a specific thing, just sort of hungry in general. And I know that I can say no, and I can avoid food just like I always did before.

And what was on the plate today? Well at one point I couldn't really avoid W asking about what I'd had and that I should eat (I have a habit of aimlessly wandering over to the fridge, opening it and then closing it without taking any food... like all the time). So I decided to make some lunch. Of course an anorexic's lunch can be a sight to behold.

30 minutes to make a sandwich. I had to pull out anything that could go on it. Scrutinize over the calories and fat count. Decide what out of it all could go on that would be alright. And then actually do the math and add it all up to get my total.

I split a potato hamburger bun into two (one bun is 130 calories). Then I got out some sliced ham and turkey and decided that having two sandwiches would be harder to eat than one, spreading it out would make more that I have to eat and thus make me less able to get through it all. 1 oz of ham (40 calories) went between the two halves of bun, and 1 oz of turkey (50 calories) went on next. Then I split a single slice of muenster cheese between the two of them (80 calories). And finished it up by putting mustard all over these two open-face sandwiches.

At that point W had to leave on a job. So I nibbled and drank diet soda for the course of 40 minutes. And then after managing to get through one of the two sandwiches I went and threw the other out, hiding it under other pieces of trash to hide it nicely. So if I would have eaten it all: 300 calories. Instead I took that and got through half. So 150 calories for the day.

The fuzzies stayed with me for most of the day. Then at one point I had to go over to Z's place to print a form that I will need at tomorrow's appointment (my printer just ran out of ink and I'm too poor to get more). I had a glass of water and turned down his offering of food (I just ate I lied to him). I got everything printed out (finding everything I needed was a bit confusing, not sure if that's because of the business itself or the fuzzies) and after 2 hours finally left to go back home to W.

He was just making dinner and of course asked if I wanted some, but I casually turned it down saying I just wasn't hungry. And so I sat with him while he ate and we watched some TV, rubbing his back after a while. It was a nice night. But at one point while walking past the kitchen I got drawn in.

I opened the pantry and looked right at the swiss rolls sitting on the shelf. I craved them, and I craved them hard. I nearly reached for them with a part of my mind saying 'you've only had 150 calories today, 200 more wouldn't be too bad'. But I was able to pull myself away from it all. quickly I was out the door to the balcony to have another cigarette.

And then the craving was gone, I just had to wait the few minutes of my smoke. Why yes the swiss rolls would be nice to have, but no thanks. I'd rather be thin.

So today was good. 150 calories, resisting temptation everywhere I went, and now I'm sitting here with a cup of vanilla honey chamomille tea.

Laters, K

A disaster and an improvement

So yesterday me and a bunch of friends got together at my mom's place to have a meal. Joy.

Now the meal itself was fairly healthy, J made his Tropical Chili (Apple, Mango, Mandarin Orange, Black beans, Chicken, White Rice). So as far as the actual health and calories it wasn't as bad as it could be. I myself ate 3/4th of a bowl of it. Still too much but I had to eat to appear normal. With it I drank plenty of diet soda of course.

However of course this led to me later on having to cut. Now I made a bad choice on this one. My left arm is mostly scar at this point I feel, so I decided that since I haven't cut my leg in a while I would cut there. Simple enough to hide I figured, it's cold and long pants can always hide the scars.

Now the next part requires a bit of preface. As you all know I am gay, very gay. And not manly about it either, I'm a fem, girly boi. I like to wear girls clothes often as well (pants and shirts, I don't go around in skirts and dresses). And W likes me in girly things as well. I had forgotten that he had ordered me a side tie bikini... and it arrived today as I got home from work.

Of course he wanted to see me in it right away and all I could think about were the fresh slices on my left thigh. So after trying to hide my leg and avoiding wearing the bikini (he ordered me a small which is apparently size 0-2) eventually I couldn't avoid it. It did fit well and I do like it and look forward to wearing it... but he did notice the cuts on my leg. He commented on it and I just brushed it aside with a Yeah and ignored it from there, although I did notice him look at my leg often and rub his hand over it.

As far as my eating today I was a little disappointed but all in all I did fairly well. 5 chicken nuggets (230 calories) with yellow mustard (0 calories). I drank nothing but diet soda and ate nothing else today. so my total is 230 calories. Today at my weigh-in I was up from 148 to 149 lb, with today that should be cut back down to at least 148 maybe 147.

In other news for today, I have finally completed all of my initial online courses and contracting for my new position. So now I can finally start writing some business. I won't go into any specifics of my position but after a few years I can be looking at making 6 figures, this is very good. I'm tired of being the poorest person I know.

Laters, K

Lazy but good day

Today managed to be good for me. Yesterday I was unable to get out of going to the buffet but was thankfully able to go with mostly healthy (relative) food and get through about 1 plate in the hour We were there. And with that I maintained my current 148lb.

Today was much better. Tea, diet soda, and half a bowl of soup. So around 200 calories there. Otherwise things have been kinda hectic all over.

Found out from getting denied one of my appointments with a company I'll be working with that I needed to quick spend 300$ which I just barely had to get part of my credit cleared up. It sucks that I'm down the money for right now but really in the long run I know that it will really pay off.

Not just with my current job, but as I do plan to eventually rent a house I'll need better credit for W and I to get a nice place. I'm still waiting on my beloved Z to finish getting repaired, it's so annoying. Nothing really wrong with it just need it put back together and new tires. And the waiting is killing me.

Laters, K

Great day

According to Baron Scale I have lost 6 lb in the past three days. Bringing me down to a depressingly high 150. Like I said I've been awful lately and for a while. I would have days on track maybe 1 day eat nothing, or under 500. But most days I would be unable to avoid eating...

Today was not one of those days. I went with no food, 2 diet amps at 10 per, and one cup of vanilla camomile tea with soy milk in it so about 20 calories there. Bringing today's total to 40 calories. That made a great day, no food and under 100 calories.

The lies return easily and thankfully. Just now W commented on not eating in a while and asked If I had eaten. Why of course subway while working it was delicious... and a lie.

My mind is back to where it should be. Why eat and give up what I've lost, maybe with more food I'll trick my body into losing but really food = calories = fat. I still have my size 0's waiting for me to return to my former size, and with more days like this I will get there.

Laters, K

Another day on track

Today went very well. Could have gone down though, I did have a slight bit of temptation. Mostly it was due to a very boring day. But thankfully once against my job saved the day.

I woke up at my usual time to get ready for appointments, only to find that the first two were rescheduled due to weather. So instead we only had one appointment at 4pm. So I meandered around the apartment wasting some time, drinking some diet soda, black coffee, cigarette cigarette cigarette.

After a while I decided to run out for some gas, and the temptation hit full force at the gas station. I grabbed a diet Amp and then the junk foods. Everywhere, gas stations are designed to get us to eat it seems. And of course nothing but the worst of foods to eat there as well.

I must look odd standing in the food aisles staring at different foods. Pick up a cookie, read the calories, put it back. Pick up a muffin, read, refuse. I studied the entire aisle, my body desiring every piece I saw. Eventually I did actually get something, a protein meal bar. 170 calories.

Fine, you can have this bit right here. That's all your getting. After an hour of nibbling on that and drinking my diet amp, then soda, then more coffee it was time for the appointment. My mind is already getting a bit of the fuzzies, I love it. The wool on the brain, it tells me that I'm doing things right.

After the rather uneventful appointment I went back home. W was away on work so I was free to sit around and do basically nothing for a while. Read a bit of Wasted (love that book). He came home around 6 and decided it was dinner time. I had soup, he had a sandwich and a salad.

The soup was 220 calories, and I took as long as possible with it. Long enough to manage only the soup, but not long enough for W to question it. We watched some TV after that.

And I realize now that this post must sound very boring.... but I've still got the fuzzies, and my sinuses are full of pressure so my mind isn't quite on par...

So then let's throw in some more good news. A couple of days ago I needed my credit checked to get an appointment with a company. I was denied due to a big charge on my credit. $946! From something I had never heard of. This wasn't boding well.

After a bit of research I found that it was a company that bought debt and tried to get paid on it. Well as it turned out I had two options: Get rid of this from my credit, or never get appointed and lose my new job.

After scraping together everything I had, and a few phone calls to the company I was able to get it settled for $300. Which for right now is a LOT, but in the long run it's not too bad. This is a job that is on average 6 figures. So I think for now I can deal with the 300 loss. And at least it's helped clear up my credit.

I weighed myself two days ago: 155
Yesterday: 153
Today: 151

This is a very good thing. I need to keep this up. When I'm back on track I always want to go to bed, sleep away the cravings and see what I've lost in the morning. That makes all the difference really. The morning. Lost some weight? Good you're on track, now keep it up and lose more. Gained some weight? You filthy pig, you're not allowed to eat anything today. A win win really for me.

Although admittedly for the last long while I haven't been on track. So I wasn't starving after weighing, I was cutting. Punishing. Trying to get a grasp back on my eating. And now I've got it, and I won't let go. I can't let go.

Tomorrow will be interesting, no appointments. No escape from home, from food. Salads? Hopefully I can do a day of salad without any questions. Here's to a better tomorrow.

Laters, K