End of day

So I make it all through the day, no food low cal drinks and then J decides he's taking me out for Chinese. FUCK!!!

So I had to eat a plate and a half though I went with food that I knew would fill me up and drank plenty of diet coke. Still I hate these situations that I can't get out of with eating, fuxk can't I have say over at least THIS part of my life?!

The whole time I was considering purging but I couldn't bring myself to, mostly because someone would hear me. Tomorrow should be better, if we go out to eat it'll be small salads an diet soda for me, only problem is dinner not ire what to do about that. I need to find a way to get away from dinner or at least hide my food which I never did before (alway ran away from dinner when possible until my car went down tho that shouldn't be a problem for long).

Doing good so far

So far today I've gone with diet soda, 3 cups of coffee with sweetener in it and one cup of starbucks skinny cinammon dolce latte. I'm doing good so far I just need to keep this up Friday I plan on meeting up with W and I need to look my best.

Salads

Today has gone well I've gone all day on one salad and two diet amps, also plenty of cigarettes. I'm tired of feeling like I'm living in a fat suit, I feel so disgusting and hate myself more than ever. I need to stop slacking and follow my vegetarian diet much closer. What I need is a buddy to help me stay on track even though admitedly I hate asking for help, but I clearly need the help now if I ever plan to get thin.

FML

So apparently I'm strong enough to go all day without food, and nothing except coffee, diet energy drinks, and cigarettes... and then we went to B's and I had to eat chinese food, I didn't have much but I hate myself for it. What I need to do is get back onto the Kekwick for the full three days of it, only problem is friends and family and having to eat dinner here. It'll be a lot easier when my car is back up on the road. Then I can just head out whenever I want and either drive around randomly or go over to W's... that'll be interesting since it's been a while since I last saw him, and I just KNOW that I gained weight and look all ugly and fat... ugh... FML...

TANK GIRL

whoo tank girl, and we gotted tanked, whee. I hate my fucking life, ugly, fat, ah well a bit of drinking helps calm the edges, now I gotta draw. Maybe one day I won't be fat, god I hate this. Here I am online because I can't even consider conferring to my close friends of all that's fucked up in my life. I get the impression that my friends think I'm egotistical and confident, ambitious, well adjusted... ish. Instead I hate myself and wish I could trade bodies with someone else like EVERY DAY!!! gah, is that fucked up??? I think it's fucked up, can't even be compfy in my own body, my own brain, my own twisted LIFE!!! FUCK IT, I'm stumbling over to the couch to draw, play video games, watch TV, and DRINK!!! No order, all at once.... MAYBE?!

steps forward and back

Why does it always seem like every time I make a malenky bit of progress I get my gulliver beat in and I drop back a bit?! Did pretty good today, lot of time on Wii Fit, nothing but cigarettes and coffee through the day. Then I get stuck having fishsticks and homefries for dinner, no way out either. I fucking hate it. I feel like everything I do just isn't worth it, isn't making a difference... I gotta keep trying though, I will reach my goals.

Fear and loathing of weight

Sorry I almost never post, mostly because I don't feel like it's worth it unless I actually accomplish something instead of failing non-stop. Also I've decided to set up a Twitter account, I feel if i'm sending up info nonstop I'll be more able to keep on track.

Last night was good and bad, the good is that J picked up wii fit plus, the great thing about is that you can set up routines to target specific aspects. So I'm working on hips, tummy, and lots of fat burning routines. The bad was later on as I was going to bed and was up most of the night thinking of how much I hate my body and weight and how ugly I am. I hate feeling like this but maybe these thoughts will also help motivate me.

Well anyway if anyone is interested my Twitter is Twitter.com/oneofanasboys check it out if you wish.