on failing

Well it seems I've got two things failing on me here, my restrictions/fasting as well as my hair color. I imagine I did something vastly wrong in doing it as it has turned from a deep blue-violet, to a more grayish faded purple... and also I managed to over eat again today. I have set aside tomorrow as a fasting day and I think going back onto a schedule will help alot. For the first few days it'll be 0-200-400-600 cal, and then I'll go to 2-4-6-8, and then either a day or two of fasting or back to 0-2-4-6. Hopefully this will help me on my lofty goal of getting down to my goal weight. Providing I don't manage to muck it all up.

So of course...

my fast turned into more a restrict. But I guess I'll just have to deal with that. At least I didn't go overboard at all, and I can fast tomorrow (which should be easier anyway since I was hanging out with a lot of people over this weekend). I'm kinda enjoying the purple hair but next time I'm gonna bleach first instead of just going with my blonde (which the purple super darkened).

Brave New World

I've been feeling pretty down lately, and decided to brighten myself up with a change in appearance that is faster than what I'm aiming for. Hair color. My hair has now gone from dark blonde at the top shifting into bright blonde at the bottom to Dark Violet at the top shifting to lighter violet at the bottom. Overall I enjoy the change quite a bit (though I woulda preferred it being a bit lighter and more pure violet than the blue-violet it came out).

Unfortunately I definately needed the pick me up after eating some chinese today, though it was really the only eating I did the whole day, even then I wasn't able to eat much at all. Later I had some Rockstar Coffee drinks, which at the very least, kind of ... emptied me out... So I consider that kind of a plus. I've decided that the next two days will be fasting, nothing but diet coke and water. More water than diet coke since the fake-sugar will make my body crave real sugar more, and water will just fill up the stomache with no cal no sweeteners.

Blah

I've been neglecting my blog and dear readers and I feel bad about it. It's been a mix of two major things really. A) Craziness in my life trying to figure out how to get a job and get my car fixed and deal with various different drama situations from various groups of friends. B) I've been getting more and more depressed lately. And lonely. And it sucks. I've eaten way more than I should have today, and now the worst thing is that my weight is going up and down constantly. Some days it'll be a little on the low side, then it'll go up a few pounds, then back down. I gotta find a way to just set myself back on track.

A few days ago I was in the shower after one moment of sudden eating and decided I would try to purge. Even with drinking 20 oz. of water I couldn't seem to do it. Which actually made me feel even worse. It's like I'm not even good enough to be able to purge at all, there are plenty of people out there who can do it, so why not me. It's not that I REALLY want to purge but sometimes after I eat my mind just decides it's what needs to be done. I dunno... maybe I'm just fucked up.

birthday

Today is my birthday. It's kind of sad that even on a day like this all I can think of is what I'm eating and how to lose weight. My friend did a good job of making it a pretty good day though, so that was fun. But he also took me out to eat and insisted on a big meal... and I couldn't do anything about it. I think more about purging out if I eat now which makes me feel that I would rather just not eat, so except for tomorrow (where I need to eat dinner with the family) it's going to be major restricting and fasting... though I feel aweful even saying that since it seems that I can never follow through. I need to get myself back to the right mindset with all this. I used to be right on track all the time, but now I'm off, and remembering being back on just makes it a bit worse.

scared

I was just outside for a cigarette and spent about 10 minutes trying to purge. I had way to much to eat, and suddenly the urge just hit me. I just felt that I had to purge out. I failed, of course. But stayed scared. Even now I'm terrified, I just feel really really scared and don't know why. I need to keep my eating down, next time I figure I should drink a lot of water right after to do it right. I don't want to do so, but if I eat I just need to get it out. I should just be able to avoid food completely...

Dropping

So my weight is dropping again which relieves me a bit, and motivates me more. Back down to 125 and feel i can keep it going now. Also seems i may be able to get a job soon so i have that to look forward to