My weight ahs been going horridly wrong of late. So I strove out for a fast today, but it wound up being more of a restriction instead. Not enough but better than nothing.
On the plus side my friend and I spent a good long time on Wii Fit and by the end of one day's worth I had lost 1.38 Lb. So I feel that with more exercising than I was doing before (which was none, pure loss through starving and restricting) and more dieting I'll start making some real weight loss happen.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Gonzo Journalism 2
Advertisements on TV, one in particular catches my eye. A new yogurt, now with like 60 calories instead of 100. All eaten by relatively thin women talking about how they need to lose weight. And here we are, us stricken with Anorexia, Bulimia, or EDNOS told about how we are fine and shouldn't lose more weight. No gain weight, it'll make you happier. And watch TV where they will tell you nothing but how you should lose weight.
It used to be an easier double standard to understand. Men got dealt one hand, women got dealt the same but with added bonuses and a damn near immunity to anything dealing with men. A double standard that could be understood. Now this standard has advanced to a much more ambiguous arena. Lose weight. Don't lose weight. Losing weight will make you pretty and happy. Gain weight it'll make you pretty and happy.
It's hard for anyone to look around at all this and not feel that they're body isn't flawed, imperfect. You need improvement. What kind of improvement though? Thin people should be on diets and lose weight, but also they can't be too thin or else they need to diet and gain weight. Diet diet diet.
We're losing track of the baser things, the real things. Happiness. Contentment. Accepting who and what you are. But then again. I see all this around me all the while feeling nothing more than I need to lose weight. I need to hit 110. I see ads about people using new weight lose supplements and it says the loss shown is 6.5 Lb over 8 weeks. And then that voice screams out in my head. I can lose 6.5 in 3 days. So am I better off or worse off?
It used to be an easier double standard to understand. Men got dealt one hand, women got dealt the same but with added bonuses and a damn near immunity to anything dealing with men. A double standard that could be understood. Now this standard has advanced to a much more ambiguous arena. Lose weight. Don't lose weight. Losing weight will make you pretty and happy. Gain weight it'll make you pretty and happy.
It's hard for anyone to look around at all this and not feel that they're body isn't flawed, imperfect. You need improvement. What kind of improvement though? Thin people should be on diets and lose weight, but also they can't be too thin or else they need to diet and gain weight. Diet diet diet.
We're losing track of the baser things, the real things. Happiness. Contentment. Accepting who and what you are. But then again. I see all this around me all the while feeling nothing more than I need to lose weight. I need to hit 110. I see ads about people using new weight lose supplements and it says the loss shown is 6.5 Lb over 8 weeks. And then that voice screams out in my head. I can lose 6.5 in 3 days. So am I better off or worse off?
Monday, March 30, 2009
gonzo journalism?
It's an odd sort of thing in America right now. Myself along with who knows how many other guys are out there doing our damnedest to be thin and small, tiny. Petite. Yet the ideal image of the male figure seems to be this lean muscular figure, all tone and perfect posturing. Like some kind of greek statue.
So in a way the feeling we male anorexics have is against the idea, and yet in our minds it's this version of perfection that we strive so hard for. And it seems to be catching on in a way too. I've noticed that more and more the ideal male is going more toward the androgynous thin guys, so I guess if we manage to hit our perfection it'll one day mesh up quite nicely with the view of our society.
We look around and are still bogged down with the doubts and feelings of our female anorexic counterparts. There is that person thinner than me? Are they starving too? Why do they look happier than I could ever hope to be? Maybe it's some kind of elaborate act, convincing everyone around them that they just happen to have some insane metabolism, but do they actually eat? I dunno.
Most times I look at the thin people around me and an intense pange of jealousy drives through me, and I think to myself "Dammit get ahold of yourself. Your vice has to be Pride not Jealousy, don't envy them, beat them. Be better and thinner. And then by damn it flaunt it. One day you'll be able to flaunt it. Look how thin I am! Look at this model of perfection walking beside you. How can you bear to not envy this body?"
Of course that's the lie going on in my head. The voice I hear instead is much different. "Are you actually thinking of eating? Didn't you figure this out yet? Don't eat. It's just that simple. Stop the food from entering your mouth, say no thanks when offered some food. Aren't you strong enough? Don't you have enough willpower? I guess you aren't worth it are you?"
The voice echoing around yelling at me for my flaws. Which apparently I need since I guess I don't bring them up enough for myself. Maybe I need that little voice to push me. But god I wish I didn't wind up crying most nights from it.
So in a way the feeling we male anorexics have is against the idea, and yet in our minds it's this version of perfection that we strive so hard for. And it seems to be catching on in a way too. I've noticed that more and more the ideal male is going more toward the androgynous thin guys, so I guess if we manage to hit our perfection it'll one day mesh up quite nicely with the view of our society.
We look around and are still bogged down with the doubts and feelings of our female anorexic counterparts. There is that person thinner than me? Are they starving too? Why do they look happier than I could ever hope to be? Maybe it's some kind of elaborate act, convincing everyone around them that they just happen to have some insane metabolism, but do they actually eat? I dunno.
Most times I look at the thin people around me and an intense pange of jealousy drives through me, and I think to myself "Dammit get ahold of yourself. Your vice has to be Pride not Jealousy, don't envy them, beat them. Be better and thinner. And then by damn it flaunt it. One day you'll be able to flaunt it. Look how thin I am! Look at this model of perfection walking beside you. How can you bear to not envy this body?"
Of course that's the lie going on in my head. The voice I hear instead is much different. "Are you actually thinking of eating? Didn't you figure this out yet? Don't eat. It's just that simple. Stop the food from entering your mouth, say no thanks when offered some food. Aren't you strong enough? Don't you have enough willpower? I guess you aren't worth it are you?"
The voice echoing around yelling at me for my flaws. Which apparently I need since I guess I don't bring them up enough for myself. Maybe I need that little voice to push me. But god I wish I didn't wind up crying most nights from it.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
bleh and thoughts
First and foremost: I broke my fast today. Was hanging out with a friend all day and we went out to lunch to an all you can eat kinda thing, I was fairly ok with it seeing as I wasn't able to get more than 2 small slices of pizza and a brownie down. Later his dad ordered out for Pizza as well, and I wound up eating like 3 slices there. I realized that it shouldn't be too bad seeing as I haven't eaten since wednesday but when I just got home my scale is saying that I gained 7 Lb. That is fucking nuts and it's really reuined the day for me.
And I can't be too entirely sure what will happen tomorrow, it all depends on my friend really. The two of us are supposed to go up and visit my dad (in which case I prolly won't be able to do more than MAYBE restrict a bit), however if he doesn't show up then it'll be a day of fasting. Though regardless I'm going to do at least a 3-day fast starting monday. If nothing else this 2-day fast made me realize that I still have the motivation, willpower, and strength to do it.
As for the thoughts part, Mango brought up a good point in that I really haven't been mentioning much about being an ana guy, in part because most of what I think about is my weight and food anyway. Well I'll take some time and put a bit of it out there. Being an ana guy is... odd. First off I'm not exactly the manliest guy to ever walk the earth, pretty far from it (see purple hair and girls jeans), also most people don't take notice too much except for a few people close to me who realize that I 'was' Anorexic (in their minds, most think I 'got over it').
People don't seem to notice a boy starving himself nearly as much as they do a girl. In a way it's kind of a good thing in one aspect seeing as it means I can usually get away with fasting in most company without any hassle, people turn a blind eye to it. If I'm not a girl I CAN'T get an eating disorder. So as far as the stealth and secrecy in Anorexia it works out.
But it's not all good (as nothing is really all good or all bad) in the way that it also means that a person who may REALLY need help with what's going on with him will never get that help until it's way too late. So there are a lot of guys out there (admitedly myself included) who could really use the help but won't get it, for a couple reasons. The main one is that they will almost never be noticed as having an Eating Disorder, way too many people are willing to just say that they have a crazy fast metabolism or something like that; another reason is that (though admitedly this one is just guys it's a lot of us) they don't want help (myself included there), guys have a tendency to be a lot more stubborn about things that may be wrong with them and also are notorious for refusing to go to doctors or other places that will help.
So all in all being a male Anorexia is an odd experience, people don't notice. It's great and awful depending on your view of it at the time (ie. mine is kinda biased). I feel that more people should start to notice others around them, maybe look past some of the stereotypical beliefs out there and see what's really going on.
And I can't be too entirely sure what will happen tomorrow, it all depends on my friend really. The two of us are supposed to go up and visit my dad (in which case I prolly won't be able to do more than MAYBE restrict a bit), however if he doesn't show up then it'll be a day of fasting. Though regardless I'm going to do at least a 3-day fast starting monday. If nothing else this 2-day fast made me realize that I still have the motivation, willpower, and strength to do it.
As for the thoughts part, Mango brought up a good point in that I really haven't been mentioning much about being an ana guy, in part because most of what I think about is my weight and food anyway. Well I'll take some time and put a bit of it out there. Being an ana guy is... odd. First off I'm not exactly the manliest guy to ever walk the earth, pretty far from it (see purple hair and girls jeans), also most people don't take notice too much except for a few people close to me who realize that I 'was' Anorexic (in their minds, most think I 'got over it').
People don't seem to notice a boy starving himself nearly as much as they do a girl. In a way it's kind of a good thing in one aspect seeing as it means I can usually get away with fasting in most company without any hassle, people turn a blind eye to it. If I'm not a girl I CAN'T get an eating disorder. So as far as the stealth and secrecy in Anorexia it works out.
But it's not all good (as nothing is really all good or all bad) in the way that it also means that a person who may REALLY need help with what's going on with him will never get that help until it's way too late. So there are a lot of guys out there (admitedly myself included) who could really use the help but won't get it, for a couple reasons. The main one is that they will almost never be noticed as having an Eating Disorder, way too many people are willing to just say that they have a crazy fast metabolism or something like that; another reason is that (though admitedly this one is just guys it's a lot of us) they don't want help (myself included there), guys have a tendency to be a lot more stubborn about things that may be wrong with them and also are notorious for refusing to go to doctors or other places that will help.
So all in all being a male Anorexia is an odd experience, people don't notice. It's great and awful depending on your view of it at the time (ie. mine is kinda biased). I feel that more people should start to notice others around them, maybe look past some of the stereotypical beliefs out there and see what's really going on.
Friday, March 27, 2009
the fast continues
Today was more fasting. Not a crumb of food went past my lips today. The temptations were there but my willpower turned out to be even greater than food. That's two days down. 8 more to go. I have this terrible feeling that on sunday I may be forced to break my fast, not positive yet. Should I be forced into eating I'll be going for the absolute lowest amount. Even if I would want to go for more, I have no doubt that my stomache has shrank already, which is a glorious thing.
I feel I'm starting to get the nice euphoric surge from starving, though I did notice that I was a lot more irratible today, but nothing great will come without sacrifice. I'm looking forward and at the same time dreading looking at the scales, I want so much for my weight to drop but I'm terrified that it won't be dropping as much as I want it to.
I feel I'm starting to get the nice euphoric surge from starving, though I did notice that I was a lot more irratible today, but nothing great will come without sacrifice. I'm looking forward and at the same time dreading looking at the scales, I want so much for my weight to drop but I'm terrified that it won't be dropping as much as I want it to.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
fasting
So I went on board for a 10 day fast in reply to another blog... only to find out that her 10 day fast started 10 days ago, thus is over. So I decided fuck it, I'll do it anyway. So today was the first day. 1 day no food, no juice, food, anything. Just coffee, cigarettes and diet coke. Though there was a bit of a slip up in the form of 7 shots of peppermint schnapps, but even that shouldn't be too bad since it still wasn't food. The fast itself remains intact. And I feal pretty damn good about it. Haven't weighed myself yet out of fear of looking upon my weight but I have a fairly good feeling about it.
So I'll put it out there, anyone up to join on the 10 day fast? It's been started on this side already, 1 day down 9 more to go. Let's all be strong together, we can do it, we have the willpower that others lack. No doubts, no excuses. Just success.
So I'll put it out there, anyone up to join on the 10 day fast? It's been started on this side already, 1 day down 9 more to go. Let's all be strong together, we can do it, we have the willpower that others lack. No doubts, no excuses. Just success.
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