Realizations...

I sit out here smoking my cig scared to shit at how far off my track I've gone. I'm hevier, uglier, I don't fit into my clothes like I should. I've avoided disclosing my weight out of shame but now I feel that's exactly the punishment I deserve for all this. Shame. I'm 140osh now. That's it I need all the help I can get I need to drop back down to my 120's as a start. I'm so ashamed of myself. Stop eating, lose weight fatty, Ana hates you for your disappointment to her. I hate myself even more now. I'm a failure but I won't stay one for long, no more excuses no more giving in to friends. Use my money for green tea, diet soda, and cigs. Get my body back. I hate myself so much. Maybe I'll take the step I avoided, maybe it's time to start purging...

thanksgiving

thanksgiving as always was a terror to me. surrounded by family and food and having no way out of eating a ton. the only plus was that i only gained 2 lb, even though that itself was way too much. starting monday i will be doing a 2 day hoodia fast. after that will be a continuance on my usual restrictions.

Start off

Well I'm not entirely sure why I made this blog. Most of the time I would prefer not letting the world know about what's going on in my head and how I really see myself. But I figured that it might be good for me to at least have someplace to put down my thoughts. Maybe noone will ever read this blog, maybe it'll just be another weird person's little sanctuary on the internet.

But maybe there will be someone out there who can relate, maybe in some odd way this will help someone out there in ways that it won't help me. I dunno, I don't have much of a goal for this, I keep my goals more toward my weight anyway. I suppose in some ways one might see me as pro-ana, I do realize what it's doing and going to do to me. But right now the goal is much more important than the effects...

On a side note, to maintain some aspect of anonymity I won't be referring to full names of course, and as for myself there are names that I go by but for now I'll just be K.